A year and a half later, there are still days where I feel hollow.

[jinglebells1989]

I'm now in a new city. I've got a new job and a new living situation.

But there are days where I feel hollow. I no longer am a crying, hysterical mess but there are days when I still think about her and just have this dull ache in me. I still cannot believe how she threw everything away and simply refused to communicate with me, ever again apparently. I've not herd anything from her since Oct. 2016. She placed a restraining order on me. I spent a night in jail and even lost my job. This was a job that I had been promoted at only 6 months earlier.

In short, I lost my identity. I had worked so hard to build this life up for myself in this city that I had moved to by myself years earlier. I had her, my job and friends from work. I felt like I finally had a life for myself built up and I was genuinely happy. Then it all got shattered.

I find that these days I am just always wondering "what's the point?". Whether it's work, dating or friendships. I just don't see what the point is. I am so disillusioned with how mean and uncaring people can be. I'm also shocked and disappointed at how shallow and egotistical people can be, even close friends who I admire.

I feel like I have worked so hard my whole life trying to become a confident happy adult. I was a shy kid and I feel I have overcome that. I workout, have a good job, etc. but I just feel empty. I really do long for a deeper connection with others but people just seem to disappoint me now.

As far as the girl I dated, there are days I pity her and then there are days I'm filled with disgust and hatred for her. I cannot believe, still, how someone could act so outrageously and without a shred of empathy or remorse for what I was going through. This all from a person who told me she "loved everything about me" only months earlier. She met my family and I met hers. We were even talking about moving in together.

I remember the day I got fired. I didn't have a friend in the world and I sent her an e-mail asking for her to at least talk to me. I just needed someone to talk to. She was the person I was the closest to in that city. Her reponse: "leave me alone". The last thing she said to me.

Come to think of it I truly think she may have been a psychopath.  

I think I have become permanently damaged by this. Life seems hollow and the colors have seemed to have permanently faded from life in terms of ever being able to trust someone again. I'm 28 years old and I feel as if I just have to find something to do or time to kill until I die one day. People don't seem to be anything that can be invested in or relied upon for any type of happiness or joy in this world, at least not for me.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey jingle bells, My suggestion: work on loving and accepting yourself, just the way you are.  You're human, like the rest of us.  Treat yourself with care and compassion.  Put yourself first.  Your BPD r/s is behind you and I predict that the day will come when you will be grateful to have moved on from her in your life.  Sure, you've been through hell, but that only makes you appreciate the future more.  Strive to be authentic and find the right path for you.

LuckyJim

[valet]

Why do you feel like people will disappoint you, if you had to guess?

Everyone deserves to have friends they feel good around. Maybe we can help you work through that.

[Bo123]

Ouch and the call after you got fired.  That was just brutal.  Life is hard and for sometimes no apparent reason.  I hope things turn around for you and your feelings are perfectly normal.  Keep us updated on how life is going for you, we've all been through this crap and lived to tell about it.

[bus boy]

My Xw has been living with a man for 3 years and I can tell you I felt that hollow feeling for a long time, it's only been the past few months that I have been getting real clarity from being in a BPD r/s and the last year that hollow feeling is pretty much gone.
  I found out Xw was with another man on my sons birthday 3 years ago. I called to wish my son happy bday and he told me mommys "friend" was coming to his bday. I was crushed. Xw knew exactly what she was doing, how to maximize the pain she could cause by having our son deliver the big news. I had a constant reminder or refresher of this pain every time I picked up or dropped my son at his mothers because her BF was living at her house from that bday I found out to present. I have some bad days yet but for the most part I feel pretty darn good, best in years. Things just started getting clear, making sense, her actions of the past and present started falling in place like a puzzle. Now instead of questioning me or having that crazy record play in my head "what did I do so wrong" I look now and say "that was some pretty insane stuff" xw's actions with me, the bizzare things her BF done to me all add up to crazy making, manipulation, lies, very disordered things "normal" people don't do. It took some time but things got much better.

[findingmyselfagain]

It can take a long time. My r/s ended over 7 years ago and I can look back and say I've only recently... .RECENTLY... .felt true peace. I've dealt with a tragedy or two since then so that didn't help any. We all have to move at our own pace. I pushed myself hard out of my comfort zone. I was more or less going through the motions... .struggling intensely... .but I pushed myself in the right direction. The exBPD (und) woke me up to quite a lot. It's always been hard for me to feel good about myself, to enjoy good things, feel like I'm liked, just treat myself. It's like I could have a good job interview, or go and have fun and afterwards I would feel down and depressed and somewhat guilty. Not sure why. Now I get it I had a lot do with hanging on to stuff from childhood... .mainly my family's dynamic. I've only felt a sense of peace and mindfulness recently and I still feel that bit of a struggle. I realize its' within my power not to give that past the power, to live in the moment, feel the good and the bad, not bring the past into it, to love myself. It's easier said than done but it can be done. The further away you get from the feelings the clearer and easier it gets and the less you'll want to go back. I feel compassion for my ex. I know she struggles but it's just one of those things that was never about me and it's not up to me to love her through pity. (Compassion is my hook.) Best of luck to you. Keep on keeping on. It takes time.

[tiki]

That sucks. I’m sorry to hear. No color is a good descriptor. Maybe it just takes more time. A year and a half in a way for all the messed up stuff you had to endure isn’t that long to recover. Have you tried a counsler? Maybe you  have some things you could process.

[Lucky Jim]

Now I get it I had a lot do with hanging on to stuff from childhood... .mainly my family's dynamic. I've only felt a sense of peace and mindfulness recently and I still feel that bit of a struggle. I realize its' within my power not to give that past the power, to live in the moment, feel the good and the bad, not bring the past into it, to love myself. It's easier said than done but it can be done.

Like the way you put that, findingmyselfagain.  Well, the dynamic from my FOO is what got me into a BPD r/s in the first place, so I have had to work through a lot of painful stuff from childhood, too, in addition to starting over after losing myself in a 16-year marriage to an abusive pwBPD who had/has a drinking problem.  Yet it feels good to be back on my own path and I strive to love and accept myself just the way I am, as you suggest.  You could say that I'm a work-in-progress!  Sometimes it seems like my journey involves incredibly steep terrain, yet I view the challenges as all part of the process, which is ongoing.  What helps you to keep on track these days?

LuckyJim

[findingmyselfagain]

Lucky, it’s hard to say it’s  one thing. I let myself feel more fully. I had cut off some of my more difficult feelings as a result of my defenses. I was too nice and pushed any hard feelings way down and suffered over the long haul. Now I allow myself to feel angry, sad, and I try to identify the emotion and acknowledge that it’s ok. I try to identify what it’s triggering it. Is it the past seeping in? A learned reaction? Or does it make sense in that moment? If the moment or situation shouldn’t be triggering I try to talk myself down. A part of that codependent side having to try to understand and take care of your parent makes me tend to overthink. So it’s kind of funny I have to overthink myself but it’s getting easier and less necessary. I have a very sweet wife and the more time I spend with her the more peace seems normal. When you’re feeling peaceful boundaries are much easier to enforce. Why would you want to go back to the drama? Was the price worth it?

Everyday I try to make the effort to enjoy what I have... .realizing nothing is promised to us. Trying to be thankful just for what’s in front of it. In the past treating myself or enjoying things seemed difficult for some reason. So I joined meetup, hosted events, tried to just enjoy myself, and made an effort to push against those emotions. I just wanted the end result more than I wanted to keep repeating the cycle. It’s taken a long time but I can see a huge huge huge difference from just a few years ago.

[Lucky Jim]

I was too nice and pushed any hard feelings way down and suffered over the long haul. Now I allow myself to feel angry, sad, and I try to identify the emotion and acknowledge that it’s ok. I try to identify what it’s triggering it. Is it the past seeping in? A learned reaction? Or does it make sense in that moment?

Great stuff, findingmyselfagain.    I could have written your post, which I mean as a compliment.  You hit the nail on the head.  For a long time, I was disconnected from my feelings, which was a survival technique that I learned in childhood.  It's taken me a long time to welcome my feelings back into my life and get reacquainted with them (sorry if that sounds weird).  Some days I do it better than others.  It's all about my journey towards authenticity, which is how I try to operate these days.

LJ

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi finding myself again, I am just one month out of my relationship and I can relate to what’s you are saying.  I am just like today beginning to even think about how crazy my life has been with my UBPDH.  I felt numb for years.  I haven’t been able to cry until just recently.  I was taught in my FOO to “kill them with kindness”. “Turn the other cheek” “Don’t air your dirty laundry”.  Consequently, I have kept so much inside and have even kept things from myself - if that makes sense. 

At the moment, I am feeling just really tired.  There is much I need to do, but I have just pushed through for so long, that I am exhausted.

Sorry for all you have been through.  I hope you find peace and contentment.

Mustbeabetterway

[Lucky Jim]

I am just like today beginning to even think about how crazy my life has been with my UBPDH.  I felt numb for years.  I haven’t been able to cry until just recently.  I was taught in my FOO to “kill them with kindness”. “Turn the other cheek” “Don’t air your dirty laundry”.  Consequently, I have kept so much inside and have even kept things from myself - if that makes sense. 

Hey mustbe, Yes, that makes a lot of sense to me.  People on the outside parrot a lot of cliches about how marriage is hard work, etc., but they have no conception of what it's really like on the inside of marriage to a pwBPD.  You and I do.  It's understandable that you went numb and were unable to cry.  I suggest you throw out the old tapes from your FOO, which no longer have any utility.  Now is the time to find yourself again, by paying attention to the thoughts and feelings coming from deep inside.  What do you really like?  Strive to be true to your core.  Make life a journey towards authenticity.  Does this make sense?

LuckyJim

[Shedd]

Wow.  This speaks volumes to me.  

I too feel the same way as you. She may not have hurt me to the extent you're in, but the pain is still there. I have a new living situation which helps me a lot, and I should be grateful, but there are still those days.  For the most part I'm over her, but it still hurts.  

We've been broken up for about 2 years now. She's in a relationship with someone else now. We tried to be friends for a while.  I couldn't handle it because it felt like she was just keeping me on her leash to be recycled again.  So I stopped talking to her.  

It's almost been a year since NC.  I still feel like I've messed my life up so bad the 2 years after we broke up I can't seem to make it out from deep water.  The new living situation is what's keeping me going. Giving me faith.  It's a start to something better.  So there's a little light back in my life.

I used to be so alive, full of life.  She took that light away from me, and everyone I have tried to have a relationship (even friends) seems to come to and end sooner than it begins.  

So I just keep to myself, back to the introvert I used to be.  Finding it hard to open up to anyone or trust anyone.  

Just try to look at the good you've done.  Keep focusing on that.  At least that's what I try to do.

[findingmyselfagain]

Lucky, thank you. Yes, I needed an unBPD to wake me up. Everything I learned about myself was another piece of the puzzle. For some odd reason I wasn't attracted to good relationships. I didn't realize it at the time but if anything went well or if she seemed nice and drama-free I would just panic and quit. I was essentially attracted to women like my mother... .waify, poor me, just needs some TLC, right... .I can see it clearly now. I couldn't then.

I still run into those negative associations with good things, feeling that lack of acceptance of my own worth, learned reactions and more primitive feelings from time to time but it's getting easier. And I am much more in touch with all of my feelings. That's huge too. As things get more peaceful, time does seem to slow down and you do see more of the world than you were seeing before. Mindfulness, being present, whatever it is you want to call it is incredibly valuable. Best of luck to you and everyone here. It's quite a journey.