The real question for me is whether she can and will do the work necessary

[mama-wolf]

Hi,

I have never really used a message board like this before, and am not quite sure where to begin.  The possibility that my wife has BPD is only a recent discovery based on discussions we have had with her therapist.  We have been together for 15 years, and in the early years there didn't really seem to be much of an issue.  Most problems were chalked up to her history of anxiety and (intermittent) depression.  I guess maybe I had more emotional bandwidth and energy to handle what came my way, and so did she.

After having our first child nine years ago (who I carried), it felt like we were dealing with the usual stress that new parents go through.  To me, things started to take more of a turn during my wife's pregnancy with our second child almost six years ago.  It was really difficult for her, with migraines and severe nausea through most of the pregnancy.  She then struggled with recovery from her c-section and subsequent postpartum issues.  A few months or so after our son was was born, we we were in couples therapy for a little while (mostly to help with communication issues), and things did seem to improve somewhat.  

We had what felt like normal ups and downs after that, but it has been getting more and more difficult for me in the last two years.  I never would have thought of some of our issues as BPD-related, but the more reading I do recently the more I identify with the non-BP.  We don't have a formal diagnosis yet, but I really do think my wife is a higher-functioning BP, who also happens to be dealing with adult ADHD.

I have been in such a caretaker role over the course of our relationship, carrying her through losing her job on three different occasions and various health issues.  As of this month, she is actively quitting her current job to escape an intolerable work environment, and will be starting her own business (potentially in partnership with a colleague).  Her health issues have increased in the past couple of years, and I have been experiencing such emotional burnout that I started seeing my own therapist a couple months ago.  Setting aside thoughts of myself, I have become increasingly concerned about my wife's interactions with our kids--particularly our daughter, the oldest child, who has started exhibiting behaviors that I think are (at least in part) the result of my wife's criticism, short fuse, and sometimes intensely angry reactions.

We started with a new couples therapist recently, and I was honest about the fact that I have had thoughts of separation.  This has of course generated a sense of desperation from my wife, and she keeps seeking reassurance that she hasn't "completely screwed things up."  I want to give the couples therapy a chance to work, but I really don't know if it's going to prevent the separation and divorce that has started to seem inevitable.  I don't want that for us, and I don't want our kids to have to go through that.  I don't want her to feel abandoned--especially since I have every intention of being the best co-parent with her that I can be regardless of the nature of our relationship otherwise.  But here I am, and it's scary.

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[Mutt]

Hi moma-wolf,


 
I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through some hardships in your marriage. There are many members here including myself that are the caretaker type and we take care of everyone else and neglect ourselves. An important factor when you are the non in a r/s with a pwBPD is self care so that you don't burn the candle at both ends. What do you like to do? How old are the kids 1 is 8 and the other one? I know that juggling work, kids and a pwBPD can feel overwhelming.
 
I'm glad that you decided to join the group, it helps to talk to others that are going through the same thing as you. You are not alone. I know that it's very scary being on the cusp of a potential seperation. Luckily you arrived in time. Your wife is just wired differently I suggest that you take a look at the lessons on the right side of the board "don't be invalidatin" and "setting boundaries" in particular
 
A pwBPD have chronic feelings of shame and low self worth I like to think that the external rigid thinking is the similar to their inner critic a pwBPD need  alot of validation. How we talk can be very invalidating to a pwBPD because feelings equals fact to a pwBPD. Validate a pwBPD feelings first then follow up your message with the truth.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi mama-wolf and welcome! You will find a supportive community of individuals here with related experience.

It was after our second child came that the intensity with my wife began to ramp up and I first became aware of BPD. I can completely emphasize with wanting to hold the family together for the kids, even when it feels like its the family that's having the negative influence on them. It's a lose-lose situation and can be intensely frustrating.

Seconding mutt's suggestion that self-care is paramount above all other things. You can't repair relationships or your family before you repair yourself. It's a cart before horse situation.  

Has your therapist told the possibility of BPD to your wife as well? If so, how has she reacted to it?

ROE

[mama-wolf]

Thank you for the welcome.  I have definitely been focused more strongly on self-care over the past few months.  My workouts help me burn off some of the frustration, and I have significantly reduced alcohol consumption which I know is best all around.

I will be sure to look at the support information about validation in particular.  I know I falter in that area, in large part due to feeling like I have slogged through years of being invalidated myself.  I have just reached a point of such exhaustion in having to explain myself or convince my wife of the simplest things.  She also relentlessly (and sometimes desperately) seeks her own validation, so I find myself less and less inclined to see things from her point of view and give that to her.  I know it's not fair to her... .I'm just so tired.

As far as the kids go, our daughter is almost 9 and our son just turned 5.  Our son is acting out more lately, and our daughter is getting to the point where she just doesn't even want to talk or respond to my wife.  I know the acting out is at least somewhat age appropriate, but the behavior from our daughter makes me think she's keeping her distance to avoid the criticism and corrections.  Our daughter is also having angry outbursts at the littlest things.  My wife has at least agreed to have our daughter go back to therapy (we had her in for a while last year to work on some anxiety issues), so I'll be setting that up very soon.

The possibility of BPD was actually raised by my wife.  She was diagnosed with adult ADHD sometime last summer after many years of dealing with anxiety and depression, issues with impulsive behavior, and--in the more recent years--working through various medications to help address these.  We started seeing a couples therapist at the end of the year, but after only a few sessions he shared that he was moving to another practice.  We didn't want to follow him for various reasons, and ended up starting over with another therapist in the practice who we then found out follows the Gottman Institute practice (something my wife was wanting anyway based on a friend's recommendation). 

After an initial intake with the new couple's therapist, she informed us of the assessment that we would each need to fill out and had us each come in for an individual session.  My wife shared with her own therapist (and me) that the couples therapist asked during the individual session whether she should have a differential diagnosis of bipolar disorder.  My wife's individual therapist shared the different criteria for that diagnosis, which neither she nor I believe my wife meets.  Since my wife is all about researching information, she then looked up and shared the criteria for BPD with both of us, expressing that she feels it deserves more exploration.  It was after this that her therapist recommended the "Stop Walking on Eggshells" book to me.

I think my wife has dealt with her own mental health issues for long enough that we're not likely to face her being in denial of the condition.  The real question for me is whether she can and will do the work necessary to get better in her relationship with me and the kids.  One way or the other, I want that relationship to improve... .I'm just not really sure I want it to continue as a marriage.  I already feel like an ass for that, and suspect I will feel worse if I still feel the same way even after things potentially get better.

[Mutt]

It sounds like your everything that you should be doing. I can relate with how emotionally exhausting a r/s w/ a pwBPD is. The potential for change is possible with the right tools,  she is interested in knowing what mental illness it is, there are many members in the board with a pwBPD that is in denial, blame shifting and projecting their issues. I look forward to reading your posts.

[mama-wolf]

Thanks, Mutt... .and I meant to say earlier that I have always loved that Zen proverb in your signature!

[Mutt]

Haha thanks!

[RolandOfEld]

The real question for me is whether she can and will do the work necessary to get better in her relationship with me and the kids.  One way or the other, I want that relationship to improve... .I'm just not really sure I want it to continue as a marriage.  I already feel like an ass for that, and suspect I will feel worse if I still feel the same way even after things potentially get better.

That is always the question, and it's one that took up several months of my focus. I have emotionally allotted her 3-5 years to take care of her problems before I might need to consider leaving the relationship. For the moment I'm letting her come to that decision on her own and in the meantime trying to accept life as it is, which does not mean I'll accept it forever.

I can totally identify with the idea of improving the relationship, but it not necessarily continuing as a marriage. I have opened up a little space in my heart for the possibility that I might be with someone else someday, and it both makes me sad as well as gives me hope.

Please don't beat yourself up, mama-wolf for being in this marriage as long as you have. Love is not black and white and we are not stupid for staying as long as we have. We had a reason, even if we don't know what it is.

[mama-wolf]

Thanks for that, ROE... .I do feel bad about the length of time, but not because I regret it.  I have two wonderful children out of this marriage, and a really good life (outside of the BPD aspects).   Separation/Divorce would really suck, but I know I could get through it.  Might take me some time to rebuild some strength, but I have my kids' health and future to motivate me--and my own happiness, but that's only part of the equation.

I guess I struggle to even figure out how I would explain to my uBPDw (trying out the acronyms, so I hope I get them right) the "why" of not continuing the marriage.  I know there were reasons at the beginning for why we got together, why we got married and decided to build a family, etc.  I already anticipate the pleading, hurt, and bewildered response from her of "why did [she] go through all of this if it didn't work to keep the marriage together?"

I'm not ready to do that yet, of course, because I just don't know which direction things will go.  But I'm a planner by nature, and my therapist has acknowledged that planning can help alleviate anxiety.  Plus, I figure that trying so develop a "script" for that discussion might help me really figure out how I'm actually feeling.

In the meantime, I really want to know what our couples therapist will have to say on Friday about the impact of the potential BPD diagnosis on our path forward.  Otherwise, I continue with self care, self improvement, and really trying to work out my own identity in all of this.  I am really happy to have found this support network to help with that!