Grieving for my daughter in law

[BobbieSox]

Not sure where to start.  

My daughter-in-law seems to have gone into a downward spiral over the last few years.  She was diagnosed with BPD several years ago, but I was unaware of this until the last few months.  From what I understand, however, she does not accept this diagnosis and to my knowledge has not sought/participated in any kind of treatment for this.  

I am grieving.  

We had been incredibly close and she has truly been a daughter to me; but over the past few years, it feels like she has turned into someone I don't even know.  My son has filed for divorce (and I can honestly say that he HAS tried his damnedest to make it work; and I know his heart must hurt even more than mine).  Our two families have been blessed to be very close to each other (even though we all live in different states); but she has closed the doors to all of us it seems.  

After finding out about her BPD diagnosis I read up on it (because I'd heard of it, but didn't really know much about it); and all the changes in her behavior, actions, reckless behavior, etc. seemed to fit the diagnosis to a T.  (All I knew was that over the past few years she was verbally attacking the people who loved her the most; sometimes physically attacking;  and driving everyone away).  I've tried my best to keep the door open by sending cards and gifts at holidays and an occasional text to see how she's doing.  I have had no response at all for the last 7 months; (and I don't really expect one) but I just don't want to shut the door  permanently.  (It isn't just me:  she has not spoken to her parents, brothers, or sisters in months either).  It's hard for me to understand; and perhaps I never will.  

Will a person with BPD who does not acknowledge the diagnosis ever seek out help on their own?  And I suppose there's a part of me that wonders if I SHOULD continue to try to keep the door open, or if  that is counter productive.  

Thanks for letting me get this out.  

BobbieSox

[Notwendy]

Hi Bobbiesox,

It is difficult to see someone you care about suffering like this. My concern is
for your son. BPD affects the most intimate relationships more than others. Your DIL may have been able to have a better relationship with you than with him. Surely he has been through a lot to come to this difficult decision.

Do they have children ? If so - then she is the mother of your grandchildren no matter what and keeping that door open to having a good relationship with her is helpful. If they don't have children - it might be emotionally difficult for her to maintain a relationship with you while your son breaks it off. It may also be difficult for him if you remain in contact with her while he tries to emotionally heal. Sometimes distance makes it easier. He also needs your emotional support.

This doesn't mean you stop caring but if they need distance you could still inquire about her through her family. You might see her after some healing has occurred but on the other hand it may be better for her to emotionally recover and move on from a broken marriage.

[DaddyBear77]

Hi BobbieSox,

First of all, I am so sorry for what you're going through. BPD can affect so many lives and ripple through a family. It's not just those of us in chosen relationships who are hurt, but often everyone around them as well.

Will a person with BPD who does not acknowledge the diagnosis ever seek out help on their own?  And I suppose there's a part of me that wonders if I SHOULD continue to try to keep the door open, or if  that is counter productive.  

Your first question is such a tough one, but the answer is, anything can happen. It's so hard, even for someone who has a definitive diagnosis, to seek out the help they need to recover. The statistics are grim, but it's not completely hopeless.

The answer to your second question may also help with the first. It's a very loving thing to want to keep a door open for someone who suffers so much but also can cause us great pain. A lot will depend on how exactly you chose to keep that door open. If you're opening the door and constantly trying to pull someone through it - for example, if every time you talk to them you ask them why they don't get help - this can be very invalidating and make it more difficult for everyone involved. I would certainly call this counter productive. If, however, you send messages of love and support, and especially validation, this could ultimately help provide a safe path for the pwBPD to move forward.

How do you feel about leaving the door open? What kind of toll is it taking on you? Are you getting the support you need to cope with this difficult situation?

[BobbieSox]

I'm new and still figuring out the message board.  Thanks to you who have responded so far.  There are children involved (my only grandchildren) so that is of course one reason to keep the door open.  And when I say that I'm keeping the door open; what I mean is that I only send cards and such at holidays (with the only message being basically that we (my husband and I) are thinking of her and love her.).  There has been no response whatsoever.  (And again, please don't think I am upset for not getting a response. I truly didn't expect one.  She seems to have cut all ties with us.  She has changed her phone number and has not let us know the new number).  She also has apparently cut ties with her own parents and siblings as well.  They have not spoken with her in several months either.
It's also difficult when all of this is happening several states away.  I worry about her, but worry even more about my son and grandchildren.  As far as the kids go, I will never say anything derogatory about their mother to them, but I can't help but worry about the effects on them.  They have seen and heard some very ugly, violent, and nasty words and actions from their mother.  (I heard and saw these first hand myself last summer when I was there visiting.  If anyone would have told me that would happen, I would not have believed it.  The mildest event was when she wanted me leave because (her words) I MIGHT get into an argument with her; this progressed to filing arrest warrants for my son; assaulting him; accusing him of cheating continually and in the presence of the 8 year old... .It was just horrible.  And since her own mother had been there earlier; and had the police called to "get her mom out of the house" several times; it was almost unbearable.  (Sadly, her mother and I had thought perhaps it would help "buffer" the situation and provide some support for us to come visit separately... .obviously that didn't happen.).
So; going back to the "open door"; I guess the door is open; but I can't expect her to come through.  And I'm not sure I will (or should) continue to send cards at holiday times.  I am trying to support my son and grandchildren without assigning blame or fanning any fires.  He adored her and probably still loves her (as do we all); but this just sucks.  Once again; thanks for listening and for your comments.  I do appreciate them.

[Notwendy]

I am assuming that your son has partial custody and so you can still have contact with the grandchildren through him?

It is good that you are not taking her actions personally. Considering that she has cut contact with her own family as well, you know it is not about you.

If she and your son are still in the middle of a divorce, emotions must be raw on both sides. People with BPD have difficulty managing their own uncomfortable emotions. Her actions- cutting contact, may be her way of coping with her situation.  Even in the case of divorce- most relationships are not all bad, or all good. If she had a good relationship with you, this is part of the good. Divorce, even for solid reasons, also  involves losses and bad feelings. It is hard to keep as close a relationship emotionally with the extended family of an ex. Perhaps a cordial relationship is possible, and also desirable when there are grandchildren, but not an emotionally close "like a daughter" one. She is technically not anymore and she needs to have some distance to be able to move on emotionally. How could she heal from the breakup of her relationship with your son if she was in contact with you?

With my BPD mother, she tends to see people on one side or the other. You are either on her side or not her side and if you are not on her side, then she may cut off contact. Sometimes this lasts a long time and other times, it goes back and forth. She has done this with me several times. It is hard to know if your DIL's decision to cut contact is long term or short term.

How does your son feel about you leaving the door open? Surely he needs the time to recover and truly separate since that is his choice. These kinds of relationships tend to have a push pull to them, with an off or on pattern. He may still be feeling that pattern. If he truly wants to move on, he will need to come to a place where he can be basically neutral to her, not attracted or bitter and angry. What is best for him so that he could heal emotionally?

How do you feel leaving he door open? Does it help you emotionally heal or make it harder for you to move on with this change in your family?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi BobbieSox and welcome! 

I can hear the heartbreak within you as you share about your DIL, son, and family. The hurt is spreading all around, isn't it? Grieving our losses is quite hard and takes time. Be sure to care for your own heart as well during this time. 

It's strange that a pwBPD will not only perceive rejection, but they are usually acting out the rejection that they feel for themselves. That's tough to understand when you happen to be the one on the receiving end. Take a look at this link:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

Does this make any sense to you? Do you think it applies to the situation with your DIL?

 
Wools