I lose my temper. Accept his proposal to fight him/face him

[Depression = 72% of members]

If too long: failed to give her space. panic got control over me when I've found she has someone else the entire time. Acted out of anger and did the same thing that her father did to her mother when he left

I'll put it as simple as I can:
>2.6 years fiancee(with BPD). Tells me she needs some space to rethink some parts that did not work for us to save the relation
>everything goes well for almost 2months. I panic when I found out she is basically with someone else. The rules were that we can, but still unexpected
>I lose my temper. Anxiety and depression kicks in.
> I get a msg from the guy out of the blue telling me "If i dare to touch a single piece of hair of hers I will have to deal with him". We had no contact untill this point
> I lose my temper. Accept his proposal to fight him/face him. I get there to find a scared kid that looked very much like me(the looks).He begged me to just talk while i was telling me I won't accept insults from someone who does not know me.
>exGF was standing there, almost crying.
>I've calmed down and left them. exGF started running towards me to tell me something.
>she started threatening me. I didn't let her finish, I just left.
> I've heard her yelling at me to move out of the house, wanting to hit me(her friends were holding her)
>later i see a instagram post of her bff (that was with her) about "how she feels her bone crush; that having someone beautiful that kisses you and hugs you does nothing to hide away the pain, and that even the tshirt that smelled like me does not stop the pain"
>I told her that i wanna move. She told me that we've decided to live together untill summer no mater what.
>postphones the meeting where i give her the keys, but I've found out that she talked with a guy about moving in if i leave
>i talked with her last night. Apologized for my stupid behaviour as i was filled with anger and anxiety.
>she told me she saw her father that night in me(her having BPD and daddy issues but hating her father... .i would say that's pretty bad for me)
>We will have a meeting later this afternoon to talk some things out.

Can I do something to save us? How doomed is our relation at this point?

[randomuser94]

If too long: failed to give her space. panic got control over me when I've found she has someone else the entire time. Acted out of anger and did the same thing that her father did to her mother when he left

I'll put it as simple as I can:
>2.6 years fiancee(with BPD). Tells me she needs some space to rethink some parts that did not work for us to save the relation
>everything goes well for almost 2months. I panic when I found out she is basically with someone else. The rules were that we can, but still unexpected
>I lose my temper. Anxiety and depression kicks in.
> I get a msg from the guy out of the blue telling me "If i dare to touch a single piece of hair of hers I will have to deal with him". We had no contact untill this point
> I lose my temper. Accept his proposal to fight him/face him. I get there to find a scared kid that looked very much like me(the looks).He begged me to just talk while i was telling me I won't accept insults from someone who does not know me.
>exGF was standing there, almost crying.
>I've calmed down and left them. exGF started running towards me to tell me something.
>she started threatening me. I didn't let her finish, I just left.
> I've heard her yelling at me to move out of the house, wanting to hit me(her friends were holding her)
>later i see a instagram post of her bff (that was with her) about "how she feels her bone crush; that having someone beautiful that kisses you and hugs you does nothing to hide away the pain, and that even the tshirt that smelled like me does not stop the pain"
>I told her that i wanna move. She told me that we've decided to live together untill summer no mater what.
>postphones the meeting where i give her the keys, but I've found out that she talked with a guy about moving in if i leave
>i talked with her last night. Apologized for my stupid behaviour as i was filled with anger and anxiety.
>she told me she saw her father that night in me(her having BPD and daddy issues but hating her father... .i would say that's pretty bad for me)
>We will have a meeting later this afternoon to talk some things out.

Can I do something to save us? How doomed is our relation at this point?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi randomuser84,

In the heat of things like this I'd just focus on being clear about what you want to communicate and saying it without anger. What do you want to have happen? If she needs space is there a way to do that? What do you want at this time?

take care, pearl.

[randomuser94]

Hi randomuser84,

In the heat of things like this I'd just focus on being clear about what you want to communicate and saying it without anger. What do you want to have happen? If she needs space is there a way to do that? What do you want at this time?

take care, pearl.

It's pretty hard to cope with the fact that she had sex with another guy 2days after we brokeup. Furthermore it pained me to hear how "she was a victim in our relation". Our relation was more than beautiful and I had to find from her friends and family how "i was a monster".
  I have to pick between staying and wait even more, and accept the insults trew at our relation until the cycle will be completed; or just leave and prove her "fear of abandoment" right, accept that she will delete me from her mind and move on to the next.

  I did the mistake 2 days ago by posing as the Opressor in the triagle. I was aggresive towards the other guy, trew insults and almost punched the guy.
  Last night I've managed to talk to her, open up my fears and how I became overwhelmed by anxienty,fear of losing her, and my impulse of defending our ex-relation. She wants us to see eachother tonigt to discuss, but i feel like she;s more than prepared to "kick me out". She initially postphoned the moment where i give her the keys of the house, but later I've found out the she proposed to a guy that's in love with her to move after i leave.
  Do I have a chance to talk things out with someone like this? Or is just a pointless discussion?

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there,

sounds very tough. We are in a new level of chaos in these relationships. What would be a point of no return with anyone, with a pwBPD we are not sure, because they can act like nothing was said, and we know it doesn't come from their center.

It is very hard to hear accusations, and even wonder if you are such a bad guy as she paints you. You made mistakes, newsflash! We all do. That doesn't make you a monster.

After my first months, my gf had told me countless loving things. But after all the chaos of those months, she wrote me once "you are not a monster", and I cried in relief for 2 days. The previous disaster got me wondering if I was very harmful whithout wanting it or even realizing.

I think it pays you to hear her out. You don't know yourself what you want, so any information can help you decide.

Best of luck, mate.

[randomuser94]

Hi there,

sounds very tough. We are in a new level of chaos in these relationships. What would be a point of no return with anyone, with a pwBPD we are not sure, because they can act like nothing was said, and we know it doesn't come from their center.

It is very hard to hear accusations, and even wonder if you are such a bad guy as she paints you. You made mistakes, newsflash! We all do. That doesn't make you a monster.

After my first months, my gf had told me countless loving things. But after all the chaos of those months, she wrote me once "you are not a monster", and I cried in relief for 2 days. The previous disaster got me wondering if I was very harmful whithout wanting it or even realizing.

I think it pays you to hear her out. You don't know yourself what you want, so any information can help you decide.

Best of luck, mate.

We are about to meet in 2 hours starting from now. The tone of her voice(from the phone), the fact that she already talked to a guy to move it made everything more than clear. For her the the run is over. I intend to open my feelings towards her nevertheles. I don't wanna acuse her of anything, just to apologize for not beeing good enough for her. I feel like even now i still want her back... .
  I know the healthiest thing for me would be to accept that we are done, but I would love a sign... any sign that we still have a chance. Am I fooling myself?
 
  A part of me wants to ask for more time... .maybe in the end the "cycle" will restart and I'll get her back. But her attitude is so cold and distant... I never felt her so distant towards me and I don't think i have the power to stay alone in that house another month, surounded by her clothes. Is it better to just leave and fully cut contact?

[JoeBPD81]

Try to use this 2 hours to bring your emotions down as much as you can. What helps you relax?

I can't know if it's over. But being confused and wanting 5 things at the same time is expected.

Thinking in circles won't give you the answer, but the more you bring your anxiety down, the more you'll be in contact with your true goals. And the more accurate will be your comunication.

You want a chance with the person you want her to be. You don't want another chance of being hurt by the same things.

The coldness is a way of protecting herself from painful feelings. So is rage, and accusations.

I don't think the problem is that you are not good enough. Not at all. You better put that in the "this is the depression talking" drawer.

Be a good friend to yourself.

[TurbanCowboy]

We are about to meet in 2 hours starting from now. The tone of her voice(from the phone), the fact that she already talked to a guy to move it made everything more than clear. For her the the run is over. I intend to open my feelings towards her nevertheles. I don't wanna acuse her of anything, just to apologize for not beeing good enough for her. I feel like even now i still want her back... .
  I know the healthiest thing for me would be to accept that we are done, but I would love a sign... any sign that we still have a chance. Am I fooling myself?
 
  A part of me wants to ask for more time... .maybe in the end the "cycle" will restart and I'll get her back. But her attitude is so cold and distant... I never felt her so distant towards me and I don't think i have the power to stay alone in that house another month, surounded by her clothes. Is it better to just leave and fully cut contact?

In my experience apologizing for not being good enough just validates her painting you black in her mind.

If I told my upset 5 year old boy that Daddy was wrong for not buying him hundreds of dollars worth of Legos every day he would believe I was wrong. When my wife was/is emotional, it’s the same thing even though she is 37. It’s why marriage counseling was a total waste.  There was no ability for her to say, “hold on, he’s apologizing for things he shouldn’t be apologizing for.” I would have that skill.

My wife cheated and we tried BRIEFLY to work though it and it didn’t work.

If you want my opinion, if she has BPD, its time to move on.

[Tattered Heart]

Reminder that this is a board with a focus on saving and  bettering relationships. "Run messages" encouraging people to exit/leave their relationship are not allowed on this board.

[randomuser94]

In my experience apologizing for not being good enough just validates her painting you black in her mind.

If I told my upset 5 year old boy that Daddy was wrong for not buying him hundreds of dollars worth of Legos every day he would believe I was wrong. When my wife was/is emotional, it’s the same thing even though she is 37. It’s why marriage counseling was a total waste.  There was no ability for her to say, “hold on, he’s apologizing for things he shouldn’t be apologizing for.” I would have that skill.

My wife cheated and we tried BRIEFLY to work though it and it didn’t work.

If you want my opinion, if she has BPD, its time to move on.

went as follows:
 I went ahead an apologized for what happened(for the things i did). She was very cold at the start of the meeting,told me I have to move until the end of the week, because of the things i've said out of anger.She told me she wants to come home to smoke a cigar. I've told her how sorry I am for what I did and why I did some things. She followed up with the fact that everyone looks down on me and she can't forgive me or come back to me because of how low I am in their eyes. We ended up cuddling in bed for a while until she had to leave. Before she left she told me that doesn't promise anything but might visit me as well tomorrow, and again in 2 days to take the cat to the vet. Hugged me a lot before she left, gave me a kiss on the cheek and asked for one in return
  Is she doing this because she feels guilty? is she trying to see me and spend time with me? or is it pitty? I won't lie but i;ve shed some tears in her arms. She kinda told me that she drank a lot recently(before I did the mistake) because of the pain she feelt/feels

  One more weird thing. She told me she wishes to move to England to finish studies there after the summer. The guy she's been with after we broke up wants to move to England as well. I've asked her if she;s moving for him and with him and she was caught a bit of-guard, giving multiple answers(didn't even considered, she has no ideea, maybe... ). I highly doubt that this will happen, after only like 2 weeks of hanging out together. I see it only as part of her desire to "escape" from me or something...  

[Skip]

Hugged me a lot before she left, gave me a kiss on the cheek and asked for one in return
  Is she doing this because she feels guilty? is she trying to see me and spend time with me? or is it pitty? I won't lie but i;ve shed some tears in her arms.

If she was done, you would know it. If she was back, you would know that, too. Most likely she does know where she is... .she has two men vying for her affections. Two men walking on eggshells. Two men threatened by each other.

She's at a  tennis match trying to decide which one she likes better... .And I don't mean t suggest that she is playing you guys, she might be completely torn. She might be leaning one way and checking the other option out to be sure she is not making a mistake.

It's messy.

Here is where you might be on a different page. You are living in a world where you wonder, "could she really be leaving?" She is in a world where she has choices and needs to make one at some point. It will help if you see her perspective on this and act accordingly.

I hope that helps... .the decision has not been made yet.

[randomuser94]

A couple days before I finally moved out my wife and I were also shedding tears and hugged multiple times. We even took our son out to dinner together. The morning I moved out she was flying to South America to take a vacation with a guy I caught her with 2 months prior.  After I caught her I finally retained an attorney which  initiated a 10 day charm. We bought an enhancer for her engagement ring and scheduled a vacation, a vacation she took with my replacement.

My wife has only ever cared about her feelings, was like that from almost day 1. She either doesn’t care or is oblivious to how inconsiderate she is, especially when
she’s emotional or has been triggered.

After the 10 day charm my wife would later tell me it was a mistake and that she was in love with this other guy when I bought the ring WHICH WAS HER IDEA.

My son told me over the weekend the replacement is now sleeping with my wife in the master bedroom. My son calls him Papi.

My wife only cares about her current feelings and rarely considers the long term consequences for her actions. That’s why she makes one poor impulsive decision after another and burns bridges with people all the time.

Obviously I can only speak form my wife, but if she knocked on my door tomorrow for Valentine’s Day and begged me to take her back I would slam the door in her face because the second I would forgive her it would be a matter of time before her crap would poison things all over again.

She will never change without appropriate therapy which she has no interest in. I’ve told her and the replacement she is BPD many times.

Thank you very much for you story. I'm very interested in those as it helps me understand some aspects or reactions.
 The main tought that drives me is the ideea that if she comes back she will start treatment. She stated somewhere during the breakup (while we were still in good relations) that she wants to start treatment but she is scared. She trusts me more than anyone she knows so I know she will start the treatment with me near her. Sadly she won't 100% start it if I leave since she won't find someone to trust like she does with me.
  Funny how she said yesterday that she might visit me. I haven't realized that it's Valentinesday. I guess we will see. Funny how she got angry at me for noticing a bottle of wine in the house and asumed i had a girl over. They do think only about themselfs, that;s for sure...

[randomuser94]

If she was done, you would know it. If she was back, you would know that, too. Most likely she does know where she is... .she has two men vying for her affections. Two men walking on eggshells. Two men threatened by each other.

She's at a  tennis match trying to decide which one she likes better... .And I don't mean t suggest that she is playing you guys, she might be completely torn. She might be leaning one way and checking the other option out to be sure she is not making a mistake.

It's messy.

Here is where you might be on a different page. You are living in a world where you wonder, "could she really be leaving?" She is in a world where she has choices and needs to make one at some point. It will help if you see her perspective on this and act accordingly.

I hope that helps... .the decision has not been made yet.

you are right about this. When we talked she said she wishes to move to England. The other guy has this planned already. I've asked her if she loves him or anything. There she paused for a while and said the she doesn't know what she feels about him.
 I think the main thing that torns her apart is the fact that she has to chose who she will lose.On one hand she has a friend of 12 years to whom she has no ideea what she feels about him; on the other hand it's me- the guys she felt secure, loved, connected mentaly and most of all showed her future desires and plans.

A big problem that bothers me is that when we met she said that we've broke-up because I wasn't good enough for her compared to our disscusion about "spending some time to regain ourselfs since we've spent 2years always together-which is very unhealthy. She is indeed very succeful socially, so I wonder if she actually tried to broke-up but without loosing me.
  For me it's perfectly normal to have different friends/groups/domain of activity... is it trully my a problem from my way of thinking?

[JoeBPD81]

She followed up with the fact that everyone looks down on me and she can't forgive me or come back to me because of how low I am in their eyes.

  That worries me, and on top of that, you were apoligizing. Are we missing something here?

No person is low, or worse than anybody.

My GF is a nightmare some days, but I wouldn't consent on anyone looking down on her or saying she is "low". What is that? And how can she drop that on you?

I think she needs to justify, after the fact, how SHE has treated you. She looks for a reason, an excuse, to not being honest and respectful to you.  Don't fuel that fire. At the same time it feels to me like a control strategy, this way she has you following her lead.

I might be completely wrong, but it didn't sound like fair game to me.

[randomuser94]

That worries me, and on top of that, you were apoligizing. Are we missing something here?

No person is low, or worse than anybody.

My GF is a nightmare some days, but I wouldn't consent on anyone looking down on her or saying she is "low". What is that? And how can she drop that on you?

I think she needs to justify, after the fact, how SHE has treated you. She looks for a reason, an excuse, to not being honest and respectful to you.  Don't fuel that fire. At the same time it feels to me like a control strategy, this way she has you following her lead.

I might be completely wrong, but it didn't sound like fair game to me.

Well... i've apologized for what i did from my part and why I did it. For ex she told me that o was just like her father(a monster) the moment i came there to "face" the guy and trow insults. I told her I didn't understand why somone would provoke me, insult my past-relation with her, which was the best moment of my life. I;ve told her that what we have was like a dream come true and i would protect it no mater what.
  She changed the discusion into a "he didn't ment to insult you, he actually asked you to talk to him when he said -if you dare something about it, come and say it in my face"
  Further more i told her that from my point of view, I valued her more than anything. The moment some random guy that didn't knew our relation assued that I've hit her or anything agressive, especially after talking with her... it came as an insult wich i would not take.
  I did wrong here? I;ve asumed and apologized for my actions that followed up but i;ve pointed out that something I care/cared about was strongly attacked by that guy