My Dear Mother—I want to have a relationship with her, despite what others say

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have spent most of my life trying to understand what was so wrong with me, why I was so unlovable, and why I ruined everything. I've recently understood that I was emotionally and psychologically abused as a child by someone who should have loved me unconditionally and prepared me for life and relationships in the real world. I'll spare you the details, but this person was my mother, who suffers from BPD.

I've been very lucky, I've had a number of positive forces in my life to help me recover and develop some inner strength, and I'm really proud of who I am today, despite my baggage. I'm still working on developing self-esteem, setting boundaries, and combating my OCD symptoms (we all have issues, right?), but I have a successful life.

Issues arise when I see my mom. I'm not going to deny that I'm afraid of her, less than before, but it's there. I want to have a relationship with her, despite what numerous therapists have said, because she's my mom and I love her. I'm not even angry with her, even though some would argue I should be. I've always sensed that she was suffering, I just couldn't ever put my finger on what it was she was suffering from. For a long time, I thought I was to blame. I know now that it's not me, but that she hasn't chosen this either. She can't just snap out of her thoughts or feelings any more than I can. I don't want to abandon her, but I'm far too aware of how powerless I am to help her. I can't save her. In the past I'd enable her, thinking that if only I was nice enough, kind enough, patient enough, good enough, she'd get better. After reading a few books and articles and resources, I realize that this isn't helpful. It is completely useless to set myself up to be a punching bag for her when it won't bring her any happiness, and leaves me completely exhausted, drained of self-worth, vulnerable, stressed, and riddled with symptoms. My mom isn't a monster, she's incredibly generous and caring, but when she gets scared she starts to pull the strings to make sure we don't leave her. Usually with things like expensive gifts, documents we need, financial support, or guilt trips. It's as though she felt she weren't enough to warrant us coming back, and that must be terrible for her. I live six hours away, and after her surgery I would drive up every weekend with my boyfriend to help her with chores and visit and such. I would go down for holidays. I would visit when she was lonely. And somehow none of that was able to prove to her that I cared. I need to change my approach, because it isn't working for either of us.

I'm working with a coach and a therapist to try to find ways I can better care for myself so that I CAN maintain a relationship with her that can be mutually satisfying. Although I'm putting in a lot of work, it's hard to go through this alone. My sisters have pretty much given up on her and her parents don't want to acknowledge any hurt that her behaviour causes. I love her, I just don't love the hurt that comes from her behaviour. It would be great to find some support from people who have been there, or even who are on the other side. If you have any perspective to share, any advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

[phantomglitter]

I have spent most of my life trying to understand what was so wrong with me, why I was so unlovable, and why I ruined everything. I've recently understood that I was emotionally and psychologically abused as a child by someone who should have loved me unconditionally and prepared me for life and relationships in the real world. I'll spare you the details, but this person was my mother, who suffers from BPD.

I've been very lucky, I've had a number of positive forces in my life to help me recover and develop some inner strength, and I'm really proud of who I am today, despite my baggage. I'm still working on developing self-esteem, setting boundaries, and combating my OCD symptoms (we all have issues, right?), but I have a successful life.

Issues arise when I see my mom. I'm not going to deny that I'm afraid of her, less than before, but it's there. I want to have a relationship with her, despite what numerous therapists have said, because she's my mom and I love her. I'm not even angry with her, even though some would argue I should be. I've always sensed that she was suffering, I just couldn't ever put my finger on what it was she was suffering from. For a long time, I thought I was to blame. I know now that it's not me, but that she hasn't chosen this either. She can't just snap out of her thoughts or feelings any more than I can. I don't want to abandon her, but I'm far too aware of how powerless I am to help her. I can't save her. In the past I'd enable her, thinking that if only I was nice enough, kind enough, patient enough, good enough, she'd get better. After reading a few books and articles and resources, I realize that this isn't helpful. It is completely useless to set myself up to be a punching bag for her when it won't bring her any happiness, and leaves me completely exhausted, drained of self-worth, vulnerable, stressed, and riddled with symptoms. My mom isn't a monster, she's incredibly generous and caring, but when she gets scared she starts to pull the strings to make sure we don't leave her. Usually with things like expensive gifts, documents we need, financial support, or guilt trips. It's as though she felt she weren't enough to warrant us coming back, and that must be terrible for her. I live six hours away, and after her surgery I would drive up every weekend with my boyfriend to help her with chores and visit and such. I would go down for holidays. I would visit when she was lonely. And somehow none of that was able to prove to her that I cared. I need to change my approach, because it isn't working for either of us.

I'm working with a coach and a therapist to try to find ways I can better care for myself so that I CAN maintain a relationship with her that can be mutually satisfying. Although I'm putting in a lot of work, it's hard to go through this alone. My sisters have pretty much given up on her and her parents don't want to acknowledge any hurt that her behaviour causes. I love her, I just don't love the hurt that comes from her behaviour. It would be great to find some support from people who have been there, or even who are on the other side. If you have any perspective to share, any advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi phantwowlitter (great name!) and welcome   I am very impressed with how much emotional work you've already done and how maturely you've arranged your thinking around your mom and yourself. Lots of us come to this board completely lost but you seem to have already figured out a lot on your own.

I lost my mother to cancer 10 years ago and am still sorting through the debris of our relationship. She may have been BPD or something similar and our relationship was like yours in many ways. I can completely empathize with the feeling of wanting to have a relationship but finding it hard to be close (much like with my wife with BPD right now). 

This is absolutely the place to find support on your journey. Besides reading and participating in threads to gain context and insight, I also highly recommend you check out the workshops in the skills section for more resources on how to cope with your relationship.

Under what conditions do you think you could have a relationship with your mother that satisfied you? What would that relationship look like? 

~ROE

[Insom]

Hi, phantom glitter!  Allow me to join RolandOfEld in welcoming you.   

Congrats on getting into therapy.  That's a great step toward healing.

I want to have a relationship with her, despite what numerous therapists have said, because she's my mom and I love her.

I hear you.  Hugs. 

I'm working with a coach and a therapist to try to find ways I can better care for myself so that I CAN maintain a relationship with her that can be mutually satisfying. Although I'm putting in a lot of work, it's hard to go through this alone.

We are here to listen. You are not alone!

If you have any perspective to share, any advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

Is there anything specific going on with you and your mom you could use help with right now?






 

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Phantwowlitter,   

I'm really glad that you shared your story with us! This is a great online family where we truly do understand. My mom was uBPD, and to this day I'm still fearful of her, even though she has passed away, but the fear isn't as bad as it used to be. You are not alone!

You've sure done a lot of work already, and kudos to you for that!  We have a list on the right hand side of our board.  ------->> >> Where do you think you are? Click on any number and it will open up into a larger window.

Have you ever read this book?

Surviving a Borderline Parent

It has been a very helpful book for me, explaining the losses we went through as children that have dramatically affected us into our adulthood. I am still working on these things myself, and that is why I am here.

 
Wools

[birdbird]

Hi!  I am new here also though been working on "recovering" for many years with lots of helpful loving people out there. but your above message verbalized much of what has taken me years and years only to begin to comprehend.  Thank you so much!  Looking forward to more discussions!

[phantomglitter]

Thank you, everyone, for the responses, obviously I wrote my original post on a good day, but I am trying so hard to get this to work. It's nice to know I'm not by myself trying to figure this all out.

Is there anything specific going on with you and your mom you could use help with right now?

Funny you should mention that. For Christmas this year, I wanted to prioritize time with ALL my family members, including my dad's side of the family that I don't see often. The death of my godmother made me realize that these people may not be around forever, and I'm working hard to make the most of those relationships. Normally, Christmas is spent mostly with my mom, some time with my dad, and a tiny bit of time with my boyfriend's family. My mom would say things like: "I'll be all alone again this year and it's all your fault" "I was so depressed, and you're just going to leave me here by myself. You don't care at all", and I'd feel so guilty that I'd plan all my holidays around her. So, this year was different. I planned with my mom 6 months in advance, because we both like to have a game plan and know what's going on. I suggested she come to us this year, as we live very far away, but we are central between her and my siblings and her parents. I told her I was available to see her from the 19th to the 26th, because she ABSOLUTELY NEEDED Christmas day, and she said: "Great, I'll be there for dinner on Christmas day." I waited for weeks to make sure she wouldn't change her mind, and then I heard from my dad's parents that they were in poor health. Since I had some extra time, I decided I'd go visit them for a few days from the 19th to the 23rd. It also turns out that my sister was with them, and I'd be able to give her a ride back to my place for the festivities. It just really worked out. When I went down to my godmother's celebration of life, which is in the same city as my mom's house, my mom asked if I could drop in. We were on a tight schedule, but I said we'd stop by for a quick visit. Things went south REALLY fast. I had an awesome visit with my godfather and his family, that I had never met before, and I was feeling really good about myself.

When I got to my mom's, she immediately asked why I wasn't wearing the winter coat she got me. I was wearing one of the coats my godmother had left to me. We sat down, I made some tea, and she wanted to discuss our Christmas plans. She had decided that she would be coming by on the 25th for dinner, and then staying until January. I was stunned, because not only was I unavailable, but she knew I was supposed to have plans with my dad and boyfriend's family starting the 27th. She is also aware that my apartment is TINY. We cannot accommodate everyone at the same time, hence the time split. Also, my dad may be over their divorce, but she still hates being around him, so I was trying to be considerate. I told her she was welcome to stay, that we could try to figure something out, but that I have plans. She got very upset, saying that this was all a conspiracy, that I had never told her that I was only available until the 26th, and that I was the ringleader and that none of my sisters would want to spend time with her if I wasn't there. She said: "Maybe I need to have open heart surgery for you to care about me too." That hurt. Especially since I've been driving 6 hours there and back every weekend after her surgery. I kind of lost it. I told her that I have been there for her, that I do care, why couldn't she see that? I was getting riled up. She was feeding off it, getting angrier and angrier, so I cut it short. I thanked her for the invitation, told her that she was still welcome for Christmas, and left. Then I drove my car to an empty parking lot and sobbed uncontrollably for about an hour, before driving home. She showed up for Christmas dinner, 2 hours late. She didn't stay. She made a huge scene, dropped off a ton of large, expensive gifts, and left. She didn't even look at me. She drove all the way home in a blizzard after that. I tried not to let it get in the way of spending time with family, but it was like taking a knife. My sisters were very supportive. My boyfriend genuinely believed my mom would come and she would stay, up until the moment she left. The night went really well, but there was an empty chair at the place we had set for her. I also was told that the presents I got her for her birthday and for christmas are in the back of her closet with all the other gifts I've gotten her over the years that were a disappointment. I always get her very expensive things because she would get offended otherwise (she cried for hours one year when I gave her a blanket I had knit for her), and this year was no exception.

I sent her a message for her birthday, which was in january. I did not attend the birthday party that my grandparents held for her, even though every instinct within me said I should. Also they called multiple times to try to convince me to go. I started seeing a coach. I'm resisting the urge to contact her every day, because I know she's hurting and I want to make it better, but I also know that I can't and that I'm hurting too. She probably thinks I'm being completely unfair, that I don't care about her, that I'm heartless. These thoughts aren't new, but now I'm actually doing something that is for me that is triggering these thoughts and it feels selfish. It feels wrong, but I've also improved so many relationships, and I feel a lot better in my daily life.

Under what conditions do you think you could have a relationship with your mother that satisfied you? What would that relationship look like? 

Well, one of those conditions is that I need to be secure enough in myself to be able to not take her insults or behaviours personally. I'm working on that. I need to assert my needs and my boundaries and maintain them. Also something I'm working on. I know this is going to get worse before it gets better, but I am not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel quite yet. I would need her to respect my boundaries. Don't yell at me, this is the time I have, I'm not available, do not try to get me to do what you want with guilt. It would be awesome if she could be supportive when things are not going well, not just when they are. I would appreciate it if she would just spend time with me rather than try to buy my affections with expensive gifts and trips. It would be great if she could ask me to visit without having to "validate" her wanting to see me with past "slights" I've committed.

I want her to be the mom I was so proud of when she took in a teenage girl who had nowhere to go. I want her to be the one who is completely unstoppable and confident when we go out on the trails or camping. I want her to be the badass female engineer who brings in way more funding than the other guys. I want her to be the mom who gets so excited when she finds the perfect gift for someone. I want her to be the mom who took me to my first pedicure. I want her to be the mom who talks about my knitting business to her friends and gets me my first customers. I want her to be the mom who has hilarious dating stories and loves telling them and entertaining others. I want her to be the mom who is like a teenager in love when she finds a guy she really likes. I want her to be everything I know she can be, and that she has been. It's unrealistic she could be like this all the time, but I know that that is who she really is under all her anger and fear and I wish she could be that person more, because I love her and she's amazing.

[Merike65]

Welcome phantwowlitter!

 very expensive things because she would get offended otherwise (she cried for hours one year when I gave her a blanket I had knit for her), and this year was no exception.


Your mom sounds a lot like my mom. Mine can be depended upon to ruin every holiday with a combination of petulance and guilt trips.


 Well, one of those conditions is that I need to be secure enough in myself to be able to not take her insults or behaviours personally. I'm working on that. I need to assert my needs and my boundaries and maintain them. Also something I'm working on. I know this is going to get worse before it gets better, but I am not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel quite yet. I would need her to respect my boundaries. Don't yell at me, this is the time I have, I'm not available, do not try to get me to do what you want with guilt.

Yeah, I'm still working on the boundaries with my mom. It sounds like you're making progress. That's really great. I know how hard it is.

I want her to be everything I know she can be, and that she has been. It's unrealistic she could be like this all the time, but I know that that is who she really is under all her anger and fear and I wish she could be that person more, because I love her and she's amazing.

Yep. Beautifully put. When my mother isn't in her full-on BPD mode, she's great. I really relate to what you're going through with yours.

XXOO,

Merike65

[DaughterofBPDmum]

  phantwowlitter,

Welcome to this family! I can easily relate to you, and it is interesting to know that when our moms aren't in their full BPD mode they are nice and lovely.

One thing which is really hard for us to accept is that it is unlikely that they will change unless they acknowledge that there is something wrong with them and get a treatment, I don't think that will happen with my mom. Not due to lack of faith, I know that any situation in life can change but it is better to be realistic at least for me, I used to cling to the idea that she would change and that did more harm than help in my case, because I wasn't really setting boundaries, I was just hoping, now things are different, just like you I am focusing on what I can change of myself.

In my case, the best boundaries have been deciding when and where to see her, and deciding when I want to leave, avoiding giving her power to make me stay longer.

We had a nice phone conversation recently but I think it is better to only keep sending her whatsapp texts or audios, otherwise she will always want to take control. I haven't discussed this with my T yet, but I think T will agree. Please this is only just my experience, everyone makes their one :D.

T will help you a lot, I am still learning how to set boundaries

Sorry for the short reply, a bit busy today but I just wanted to at least welcome you.

Best wishes,

DofBPDM

[Insom]

Hi, again, phantwowlitter! 

I feel like I or a sibling could have written your Christmas story.  Not fun, I know, but it's good to know I'm not alone.  Gift-giving and holidays/birthdays in my family are similarly fraught.   

I did not attend the birthday party that my grandparents held for her, even though every instinct within me said I should. Also they called multiple times to try to convince me to go. I started seeing a coach. I'm resisting the urge to contact her every day, because I know she's hurting and I want to make it better, but I also know that I can't and that I'm hurting too. She probably thinks I'm being completely unfair, that I don't care about her, that I'm heartless. These thoughts aren't new, but now I'm actually doing something that is for me that is triggering these thoughts and it feels selfish. It feels wrong, but I've also improved so many relationships, and I feel a lot better in my daily life.

It sounds like you're making progress here!  I'ts great to hear you have support in the form of a coach.

How are you feeling today?  Things still the same or has anything changed?

[phantomglitter]

Hi, again, phantwowlitter! 

I feel like I or a sibling could have written your Christmas story.  Not fun, I know, but it's good to know I'm not alone.  Gift-giving and holidays/birthdays in my family are similarly fraught.   

It sounds like you're making progress here!  I'ts great to hear you have support in the form of a coach.

How are you feeling today?  Things still the same or has anything changed?

Thanks for checking in! Nothing has really happened, I'm just so tired. I have really great days where I feel on top of the world and then there will be some kind of trigger, often tiny, that will set off a chain of negative thoughts. I often disgust myself. I feel like I can't do anything right. I'm focusing on taking care of myself, doing things I enjoy and that I want to do. The thing that's been hard is silencing my mom's voice that is so ingrained within my mind. "You're terrible at your job. You should just quit." "You're fat and disgusting, no one could ever love you." "You're so annoying and you never listen to what anyone else has to say." "You're so selfish, there are so many people out there who have it worse than you do." etc.

I fight through it every single day. A break would be nice. I just want to feel like I'm enough.

[Living Life]

The thing that's been hard is silencing my mom's voice that is so ingrained within my mind

It amazes me how powerful and long lasting a mother's edicts can be. I was only able to banish most of those bad messages, 'You are too fat', 'You can't do it', 'You're not good enough', from my head at the age of 65. Occasionally one will pop up, but I can now quickly eliminate it. Our mothers are supposed to make us into strong, independent, self sufficient, loving women; not manipulate us into thinking we are not worthy. Fortunately, my father had opposite messages; I became successful due to his beliefs. But she still managed to mess with my head, and continues to do so, even after her death.

Learning to not trust or believe your own mother, who should have your best interests at heart, is a difficult lesson. It has taken a lifetime to overcome most of it ... .it is obviously still a work in progress. I have not allowed her to define my adult world. I succeed in spite of her.

Take advantage of the wisdom found on these boards. Continue to be strong; this is not an easy journey you have undertaken, but you can do this.

[Insom]

Nice points by Living Life.

Have you read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents?  (Someone here recommended it to me . . . I just finished and thought it was great.)

It addresses negative self-talk directly and with a lot of compassion.

[zachira]

Your mother sounds a lot like mine.  I have also been seeing a therapist for several years now. Going to therapy has improved my self esteem and allowed me to set better boundaries with others. The heartbreak of having an abusive mother who at times seems like a loving person, never seems to go away. It has affected my whole life, and there are many losses because of the way I sometimes feel about myself, and at times, I have seen myself acting like my mother. What has been extremely helpful besides therapy, has been to set aside quiet time for myself of around an hour a day to process my emotions before they get out of hand. Thank you for sharing. You are very courageous to face your feelings and how having a borderline mother still affects you. Many people hide from their painful feelings and things never get better, just worse. You will get better, as you continue to face the pain, and  you will start to feel more joy, though there will always be sorrow about having a mother who you can not trust because you never know when she will start abusing you for no apparent reason or start to act like she actually cares about you.

[phantomglitter]

It amazes me how powerful and long lasting a mother's edicts can be. I was only able to banish most of those bad messages, 'You are too fat', 'You can't do it', 'You're not good enough', from my head at the age of 65. Occasionally one will pop up, but I can now quickly eliminate it. Our mothers are supposed to make us into strong, independent, self sufficient, loving women; not manipulate us into thinking we are not worthy. Fortunately, my father had opposite messages; I became successful due to his beliefs. But she still managed to mess with my head, and continues to do so, even after her death.

Learning to not trust or believe your own mother, who should have your best interests at heart, is a difficult lesson. It has taken a lifetime to overcome most of it ... .it is obviously still a work in progress. I have not allowed her to define my adult world. I succeed in spite of her.

Take advantage of the wisdom found on these boards. Continue to be strong; this is not an easy journey you have undertaken, but you can do this.

Thanks LivingLife, that's exactly it. My father wasn't around much, my mother made sure of that, but there have been others along the way who have enforced more positive beliefs. I really like who I am, I wouldn't want to be anyone else, but that dark cloud that has her voice finds it's way into my head more often than I would like. It still frustrates me sometimes, but I'm working on self-compassion. It's funny how we can often be more compassionate towards those who hurt us than ourselves.

Nice points by Living Life.

Have you read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents?  (Someone here recommended it to me . . . I just finished and thought it was great.)

It addresses negative self-talk directly and with a lot of compassion.

I hadn't heard of that one, but it sounds like it would be right up my alley! Thanks!

Your mother sounds a lot like mine.  I have also been seeing a therapist for several years now. Going to therapy has improved my self esteem and allowed me to set better boundaries with others. The heartbreak of having an abusive mother who at times seems like a loving person, never seems to go away. It has affected my whole life, and there are many losses because of the way I sometimes feel about myself, and at times, I have seen myself acting like my mother. What has been extremely helpful besides therapy, has been to set aside quiet time for myself of around an hour a day to process my emotions before they get out of hand. Thank you for sharing. You are very courageous to face your feelings and how having a borderline mother still affects you. Many people hide from their painful feelings and things never get better, just worse. You will get better, as you continue to face the pain, and  you will start to feel more joy, though there will always be sorrow about having a mother who you can not trust because you never know when she will start abusing you for no apparent reason or start to act like she actually cares about you.

Yes. I need my alone time to be able to process and function, too. I'm terrified of being like my mother. I plan on having kids soon, and I would hate to make them feel the way she made me feel. Everyone keeps telling me I won't be anything like her, but I have noticed certain similarities. I'm just so tired of being ashamed of who I am and making my life about her.

Thank you for the support everyone, it's so nice to feel heard.