My worry is that my kids live under the cloud of criticism and doom as I do

[donkeytrekker]

I have read a thousand self help books and finally find the most relevance to my situation to suppose my husband, his mother and my own mother have some kind of BPD. I have questioned my own frame of mind repeatedly/exhaustively and now I think I know why it has been so hard over the years - and it makes sense to me that the man I find familiar enough to marry, is the one who treats me like my mother did. And the reason he is like he is - is because his mother was also like it!
My urgent worry is that my 2 kids live under the cloud of criticism and doom as I do - and they are not going to thrive emotionally being constantly nagged, tutted at - disapproved of, cold shouldered and we all eat our dinner in silence because the grumpy dad is making an over the top point about something trivial.
I feel too tired to even spell it all out - and then I think is it all in my head - he isn't aggressive or violent, just constant - non negotiable moodiness - like a black cloud over us.
I feel powerless and need to rise up and change the situation. I'm failing my kids by letting it carry on.
But where do I get the strength?
Sorry - hopeless.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi donkeytrekker,



I'd ike to welcome you to bpdfamily. I completely understand how you can feel emotionally spent all of the time when you're in a r/s with a pwBPD. Finding the strength is a good question, it takes time but I think that you start with self care spend time with family, friends, exercise, do things that you like recharge your batteries. The other is talking to others that are in a similar situation as you that can offer you guidance and support. You're not alone.

How old are the kids? What do you do for self care?

[donkeytrekker]

Thank you for your kind and gentle welcome!

I have been married for 9 years and have a 9 and 7 yr old. We met and married very quickly and had kids straight away. I was grateful I found someone I liked who was enthusiastic about me - and wanting to settle down quick. I am 46 now.

Self care is something I struggled with as a child - my mum doesn't look after herself e.g. Won't wash when she comes to stay - never let me go to a hairdresser (she cut my hair) - we had loads of fillings in our teeth -
... so I am learning how to not feel guilty or selfish wanting health and care for myself and the kids ... I began running a few years ago despite being sneered at and told it wont last, and tutted at. But now I can run 8km and improving! It has helped me get a bit of mental strength to know I can get stronger and persevere.

Finding this online support feels amazing. I'm so alone in this struggle / but I think I'm starting to see the light. I am starting to fathom where the problems lie. But then they are all around me. Sometimes it's easier to be in denial!

[Radcliff]

donkeytrekker, welcome!  You are not alone.  We understand what you are facing, and together, we support each other and teach/learn coping techniques.  If this site looks good to you now, try sticking around for a while -- it will grow on you even more

Congratulations on the running!  That must have taken some determination to get that going and keep it going with active discouragement from others.  I'm only up to 3.2km, and infrequently.  Feel free to bug me about it, I need to get better!

We find that there are many facets of our lives that are out of control when we are dealing with a relationship with a person with BPD.   It's good to pick somewhere to start, since we can't address all of it at once!  You've highlighted self care, which is a great topic.

Tell us a little about your situation.  Do you work outside the home, or are you home with the kids?  Do you have activities or friends that get you some time out and about, not caring for your kids or husband?

WW

[Mutt]

Hi donkeytrekker,

Wow 8KM I don't run I started weight lifting 2 years ago. It sounds like running is similar you keep pushing boundaries and you can really surprise yourself with how far you can go

I'd like to echo Wentworth, I can relate with that walking on eggshells feeling around the house it's tough because your house should be a safe place somewhere you can relax. I'd recommend to take a look at the lessons on the right side of the board under basic tools and don't be invalidating.

A pwBPD need a lot of validation because they have self esteem and low self worth I'd like to think that what you hear from a pwBPD is probably what they're inner critic is like for a pwBPD. A pwBPD are wired differently, feelings equals facts that's where validation comes in by tweaking how we communicate validate the feelings first then package your truth at the end.

Your responsible for someone else's feelings, try validation and see if it improves the tone around your house.

[donkeytrekker]

Thank you Mutt and Wentworth. Already I feel calmer knowing there is a place to come and be understood and supported.
The suggestion about validation is really good - I have suppressed my true reactions for such a long time that I feel it will take a while for me to get the hang of not contributing to situations - especially as I feel so beaten down and that my wishes and suggestions have no place. I want to stand my ground but that is invalidating my partner. So I don't push for my opinions - or decor - or own money - - or sometimes disciplining the kids.
If I go out with my friends and let my hair down(of which I have many lovely people near me whose company I enjoy) I have to endure two days of cold shoulder resentment. So I rarely go out - then when I do, I get a bit drunk (not recklessly so) - and this gives another reason for the resentment.
Work wise - we work together from home. This is a problem and I am trying to ease out of it as it has become unbearable because I have no escape from the moods, bad communication, sighing and tutting.
We work in design- I end up doing a large portion of the workload - and feel guilty I can't work harder to earn more - I am stuck not being able to afford to stop or change. We chop and change between clients and work styles - as my partner loses faith in any job that's not going well and doesn't support me trying to pursue one single calmer thing. Summing it up I'd say it is chaotic!
I am trying to make a go of offering creative workshops that mean I can leave the house a couple of times a week and get to go and help people learn new things. I already have several bookings but am struggling with my confidence in planning the sessions (as I get no support here) - even thought it was proabably too hard, and wondered if I should cancel the whole idea! But no - persevere - just like running a long distance ...
Btw about the running, against my partners wishes I ended up joining a running club and it has brought so much help to me- it has opened up a social life, sensible encouragement about improving running - regular meetings- getting out and about - and a laugh too! It is my medicine!

[mama-wolf]

Hi donkeytrekker,

Welcome to the group!  I'm a really new member myself (joined this week), and just wanted to share that I understand where you're coming from.  I'm concerned about my own two kids in a similar situation.  I feel like my uBPDw is higher-functioning, and am very lucky that she's open and willing to explore treatment, but the at-home environment for our kids has been pretty bad--especially for our older child, who's almost 9.  Her behavior has definitely shown an impact of the criticism and harshness coming from uBPDw.

Take care of yourself, as many others here will tell you.  That's great that you've been running!  I run occasionally (around 5k), and mostly get my workouts on my spin bike at home.  The intensity of that workout has been really good for stress relief.

mw

[donkeytrekker]

Hi Mama-wolf / thanks for the message - it is such a comfort to meet others who understand the struggles. my 9 yr old is also the one I most worry about / she is quiet and beginning to struggle with friendships. We also have an eating problem evolving. I can see it is up to me to sort it out quite quickly - I feel it needs help before secondary school begins. But I don't want to do more damage by doing anything rash! But also can't fathom the best course of action.
Keep up the running/spin!

[mama-wolf]

I'm glad you mentioned the eating problems!  We're not there yet with my daughter, but she has been making a lot of noise about being "unhealthy" and even called herself fat a few times when feeling particularly upset about life.  The girl is tall for her age and very trim/toned... .perfectly healthy from everything I can see, but I really can't let these comments develop into something unhealthy.

She's not a big breakfast eater, and we don't usually press that point because she generally eats a decent lunch (as far as I know based on what I pack for her to take to school).  She's MUCH more of a dinner eater... .great about eating vegetables and finishing her meal.  We allow some form of dessert most nights if she eats enough of the healthy stuff, and her default is typically ice cream.

She'll be having her yearly exam with the pediatrician in a couple months, but I definitely want to bring this up to her therapist once we get back on her calendar... .

mw

[donkeytrekker]

Thanks for saying that, its helped me think I should actually be more concerned.
My 9 yr old is too skinny (her little sister is heavier) and she picks and nibbles at food. My doctor cousins took me aside and said she thought she looked too thin - but I haven't managed to remove the stress around mealtimes.
I have had big rows with my partner about this and we always reach a stalemate. He gets cross when they don't eat what he's prepared / and broods over it.  I say he shouldn't let them know he's cross and he says I won't let him have an opinion- and that I'm too soft. 
I'm trying to diffuse the air - but end up letting his mood dominate.
Sorry - going off on a rant there!

What I am struggling with is how to get the kids out of the stress without creating more stress. What is the lead to damsging stress to put them through.

[donkeytrekker]

Last line was meant to read - least damaging stress to put them through. Sorry - covert typing on a mobile!

[mama-wolf]

I'm no expert, and definitely look forward to hearing what others on here have to say, but here's my thought on the stress question... .

It might help to think of it in terms of long-term and short-term stress.  Do you maybe put them through a higher level of short-term stress that will possibly cause its own damage, but ultimately remove/remedy lasting damage?  Or do you let things continue in the hopes of keeping stress down/keeping the not-quite-peace, and face the potential trade-off of more/longer lasting stress and damage down the road?

I don't have the answer to that question because 1) I don't know that I have figured it out for myself, and 2) I definitely don't know all the intricacies of your own situation.  But it's a thought I have been struggling with as well.

mw

[donkeytrekker]

Thanks - yep it is exactly that point I'm stuck on.
It probably is my fear of confrontation that I should look at. I know if will blow up into an argument (again) but I need to find somewhere structured to take it to!

[Lakebreeze]

Welcome to the family!
I'm a concerned wife to an uBPDh and mom as well. I still consider myself new in my BPD journey even though it will be a year in June. It's a 2 steps forward and one step back kind of a process. The biggest thing I want to say is that with the right skills things will get better.
I also have a 4 year old who I'm concerned about eating habits. Actually it's my husband who is "so concerned" and was turning dinner time into a battle ground and a competition. I casually mentioned to him that our daughter, considering her behavior, personality, etc was at very high risk for developing eating disorders. Things have actually calmed down at dinner. I have no idea if it will last. Will see.
I can totally relate to the exercise issues. I was raised in a family where exercise was a selfish waste of time. My uBPDh sees it as a threat that I am cheating on him. But my goodness how empowering it is. So keep it up!
All the best
Lakebreeze

[phantomglitter]

Hi there Donkeytrekker! Also a newbie here, joined yesterday, but I'm coming at it from the child's perspective. My mother is BPD and caused quite a bit of harm to myself and my younger siblings. We're all dealing with it in our own way and have all developed some kind of mental health issue. My parents were divorced, and my mother moved us away so that we wouldn't get much interaction with our father, and as a result we didn't have a second parent to model what "healthy" looks like. The fact that you are there for them is HUGE, and will certainly help them. I took the brunt of the abuse in my family, and I've struggled with self-esteem, boundaries, guilt and SHAME for my whole life. There was a period of time when I was a teenager where I also dealt with self-harm. I never wanted to die, but I felt like there was something so worthless and shameful and evil about me that I thought I needed to get out. For me it was self-harm, for others it could be things like eating disorders, excessive exercise, self-sabotage, etc.

Despite these issues, I'm really happy with the life I have now. I have wonderful, supportive relationships, a good job, an amazing partner, and I'm accomplishing new things every day that I never would have thought were possible when I was living under that dark cloud. My step-father wasn't around long, but while he was around he always acknowledged me, gave me the time of day, treated me like a human being. I can promise that you being there for your kids, supporting them, letting them know they are cared for, even if dad doesn't always express it, that WILL matter.

Your kids may not come out unscathed, but they can still lead full lives and be happy with who they are. And you deserve to do things that make you happy too. Don't ever doubt that.

Wishing you all the best!

[donkeytrekker]

Hi phantwowlitter, thank you for your perspective, it really helps to understand all the angles to consider in a situation like this. And the children are my primary concern, but they are all connected to various aspects, people with degrees of the problem. Nothing clear cut.

For a long time I have felt really confused and trapped and creator of problems. And in moments when I stop feeling helpless, I begin to see structures that could help me deal with everything, and it breaks the problem up into slightly more manageable problems - and finding this message board is a crucial step in me being able to suspend my thinking with helpful understanding others! I'm very grateful for that.

I too have a uBPD mother - so I grew up feeling there was something bad and wrong with me, and that life had it in for me, and that no matter what I tried I would never be good enough - even though at the same time, she told me i was a genius, and I shouldn't listen to teachers, or anyone else who would take my genius away! But she never taught me about periods or sex, so I grew up ignorant, feeling entitled, bewildered and unprepared for reality.

I never understood why I fell into a string of abusive relationships, was groomed by my tutor (42yrs) who seduced me (19yrs) into a really unhealthy teacher/student relationship - he kept a diary of my periods so he knew when it would be safe to not get me pregnant - then sent me to get the morning after pill if it was a bit 'close'. Sorry if that maybe TMI - but he was the start of 20 years of me getting/choosing the wrong guys - and not knowing about setting boundaries of my own - people could do anything to me. I didn't know what was wrong, I didn't know why it felt odd - I thought I had brought it all on myself.

I am now 46 and feel like I am emerging into a zone of truth and realism - for the first time I have lived in the same place for 7 years. Never before have I had stability. Though, and I question this fully - it would appear everyone around me, husband, mother, mother in laws, are in the BPD camp in varying degrees.

So I need to anchor myself - so my children can hold on to something 'good' - without losing the other things (i.e. crazy grannies) - but I alos need to better my relationship with angry dad. They love him - I try and love him. I love him when he is talking to other people because he is charming and cool and laid back. But as soon as the front door shuts - we are trapped in his head full of anger, sadness and frustration.

This maybe is not a coherent post... but as I struggle to make snese of it - I realise there are lots of disparate paragraphs to do with lots of elements in our lives - that need to be looked at.

No wonder I have been feeling stressed! (forever!) thanks if you read all of this   

[phantomglitter]

For a long time I have felt really confused and trapped and creator of problems.

Exactly. I can relate to a LOT of your story, and I'm sure there are many others on these boards who can empathize as well. You're in the right place!

I find that we tend to fall into relationships and situations that, although they are painful and damaging, feel familiar. It's what we're used to, so it's what we seek out. For example, relationships where we don't feel valued, jobs that we are overqualified for, or friendships that make us feel badly about ourselves. I was very fortunate to have found a great guy when I was young. He had never had any experience with mental health issues or abuse, so it was difficult to get him to understand at first, but he has been my rock and biggest supporter for almost seven years now. He helps me stay grounded and gives me a "healthy perspective" of abusive events that happen. I am so grateful for him, and he's been showing me how good relationships work. Despite this, I've still attracted the attention of people who do not have my best interests at heart, including people I thought were my friends, strangers, and people who I thought were my friends but who turned out wanting much more than I could give.

It took me quite a while to get out of that state of constant blame and guilt and shame, but I'm finally starting to see that I have value, and that not everything is my fault. It takes a lot of practice, and some days are definitely better than others, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have every confidence that you are a person worthy of love, worthy of happiness, worthy of peace, and my wish for you is that you someday find it.

I love him when he is talking to other people because he is charming and cool and laid back. But as soon as the front door shuts - we are trapped in his head full of anger, sadness and frustration.

Although he is an adult, and thus has the ability to hurt others like an adult, have you ever tried visualizing him as a young child when he gets particularly angry or upset? My mother terrified me, but thinking of her as a child in those moments helped me understand her experience better and lessened my fear. When she is lashing out, she's afraid of something, whether its losing something or looking foolish or whatever. I don't mean to start patronizing him or anything, but their ability to process emotions like anger or fear or sadness seems to be at a lower age level than they appear.

So my mother, who is 50, I always expected would have the emotional maturity of a 50 year old. She is brilliant, beautiful, charismatic, and successful, but emotionally she has a harder time. So I have changed my expectations when she is lashing out. If she starts yelling and insulting me when I tell her that I can't drop the plans I've had for six months to come do chores for her, it's easier to understand her reaction when I view her as younger. It's like when you tell your kids that they cannot have a box of cookies before dinner. To them it seems completely unreasonable, and they kick and scream and cry. If you give in, they learn that this is a good tactic to get what they want. If you don't, the behaviour didn't pay off. Still validate his feelings, because for him they are very real, but know that it's likely coming from a place of fear, not from seeing you as a worthless person.

I hope this is in any way helpful, lots of love!   

[donkeytrekker]

You are totally on the money phantwowlitter and that is exactly how I'm going to cope for a bit, with any ranting or unreasonable behaviour. I have before thought that uBPDh is  like a 3 yr old, having a strop because it's not going his way - and then he's forgotten about it 5 mins later, when the threat has passed.
I am the one left reeling and feeling hurt and then resentful - that I am the 'grown up' and don't seem to get any support.
So yes - treat the raging moments with validation but not giving in - I do it with my kids all the time. We have to visit his mother this weekend - and she needs the same approach - as she is prone to ranting, criticising us and shouting at her husband. I need to hold myself together and separate a bit so I can see they are all trapped by their own childhood traumas.
You are very wise and calm and reassuring
Thank you to all of you who have offered kind words and warm wishes,
Xxxxx

[Radcliff]

donkeytrekker,

It's been a while.  How are you doing?

Best,

WW