I actually know how scary that is. Take heart in the fact that you survived that pain and you can survive whatever life throws at you as a result. I'm glad that you are taking heed of the things you need to do for yourself and mean to commit to. This is not an easy journey to embark upon, and requires effort, yet is so worthwhile. Once you begin to be kind to yourself and respond to your own needs in a consistent way, it will become a good habit that you can take forwards into a healthier future.
Regards your findings of emdr, it isn't for everybody. There are many other therapies available and I'd encourage you to read up and consider what sounds most suitable for yourself. The therapist may have different ideas once you've spoken, and will have the benefit of their experience, so keep an open mind and give thought to any suggestions they make for a planned way forwards.
Do be sure to let us know as you implement these things how they affect you. Good news is always welcome!
Love and light x
PS Not a therapist
There is a piece of the puzzle that I haven’t mentioned which is that I abandoned a borderline. But it wasn’t just him it was everyone. When I had five bad years after trauma at the last two of those years I entered into this depression. I started to withdrawal and isolate from everyone. We were only online friends at that time. I sent him a message at that time saying I was sorry and that I think of him everyday.
I made this agreement with myself while in trauma that I would give myself five years to see if I could improve before I even let myself consider suicide. It wasn’t for sure that I would commit suicide but it was my way of not letting myself think about it for a period of time and first really making sure I couldn’t improve. I figured it I couldn’t improve in five years time then I likely couldn’t improve enough to make life not painful. I knew ptsd was not curable but I don’t think I realized it can go into remission and you can have good days and good months and years even. Some bad days some good days. But I only had bad days for years.
I didn’t expect to ever start doing better and I knew if I couldn’t get better than I didn’t think it reasonable that I could live like that. Just enormous amounts of suffering and pain.
Sorry if that was rambling but that is just to say that he felt abandoned by me. We did not resume talking for three years. This happened when everything in our friendship was in the good place. So I had only experienced good from him and never bad.
I had wanted to get back in touch with him but I was so fearful. I just figured it was lost. And then he reached out to me.
He blamed me at that time for everything falling apart in his life. He said he quit his job and gained 400 pounds and lived in his moms attic. Because I abandoned him. So I helped him move here to a place he could afford to make a living in and live independent from his family.
So I think I don’t know that some of what he heaped upon me is revenge but I can’t be sure. And I never intentionally hurt him. In fact in my mind I didn’t even know I mattered that much to him. It was not on purpose that it happened. I thought I was going to possibly commit suicide and I wanted to shield who ever I could from the trauma of that. Because I had trauma and I didn’t want anyone else to experience it and I realized my suicide could traumatize. So I was trying to protect and not hurt.
