At one point I felt deeply seen and heard? How was he able to fake that?

[tiki]

How are you addressing this tiki?  It's great that you have this forum for support.
 Who do you also have in your life that you can speak to?  Friends, family?  Are you involved in any groups or activities in your community where you can enlist support?  What you've been through and are still coping with is extremely tough.  The mental and emotional impact of some of our experiences can be very all consuming and take a toll on our well being.  I found visiting my GP (doctor) was a wise move when I was feeling at breaking point.  Do you have a support system in place regards your mental well being? 

Your mind is still processing things it has difficulty making sense of.  Go easy on yourself.  Also remember that your nerves have been put to the test.  You have been caught in a fight or flight system (threat mode) during the difficulties you've faced with him and that can take a while to get out of.  One of the things you can do is focus on accessing the soothing emotional system, to balance your emotions.  Ways you can do this is by taking time to treat yourself with kindness.  Tap into any methods of relaxation that work well for you, connect with others even when you don't feel like it, take a walk outside in the fresh air somewhere peaceful, involve yourself for a few minutes a day in a hobby or activity that requires all of your attention and focus, notice when you are kind to others and when others are kind to you.  Allow yourself to take a couple of minutes to appreciate how that makes you feel.  Small steps add up and spending more time in the soothing emotional system reduces the time spent in the threat system.

What can you do to spend more time in soothing mode?

Love and light x   

You’re advice is excellent and you’re right on. Are you a therapist by chance?

I’m looking into all that stuff. I guess I had three years of good mental health after experiencing trauma 10 years ago and I thought I made it out in the clear. Apparently trauma is still there and i have to learn how to manage it. I need to learn all the skills. I did emdr years ago and found it really not a useful tool.

That way I feel when in a trauma place is much different than ordinary emotions. I would call it a state of distress. Ive described it in the past like ordinarily even when you have bad times you feel like you are still one person suffering. 10 years ago I experienced a realm of pain I didn’t even know existed. When you are in this state you feel like you are 100 people suffering.

So yeah I need more of every single thing you mentioned.

I completely need to also find a counsler skilled in this (trauma management) and not give up that effort and also really apply myself.

Anyway, thanks. You’re really amazing.

[spero]

Hey there Tiki,

How are you holding up now? Are you feeling a little better?

Spero.

[Harley Quinn]

10 years ago I experienced a realm of pain I didn’t even know existed.

I actually know how scary that is.  Take heart in the fact that you survived that pain and you can survive whatever life throws at you as a result.  I'm glad that you are taking heed of the things you need to do for yourself and mean to commit to.  This is not an easy journey to embark upon, and requires effort, yet is so worthwhile.  Once you begin to be kind to yourself and respond to your own needs in a consistent way, it will become a good habit that you can take forwards into a healthier future.

Regards your findings of emdr, it isn't for everybody.  There are many other therapies available and I'd encourage you to read up and consider what sounds most suitable for yourself.  The therapist may have different ideas once you've spoken, and will have the benefit of their experience, so keep an open mind and give thought to any suggestions they make for a planned way forwards. 

Do be sure to let us know as you implement these things how they affect you.  Good news is always welcome!

Love and light x

PS Not a therapist   

[tiki]

I actually know how scary that is.  Take heart in the fact that you survived that pain and you can survive whatever life throws at you as a result.  I'm glad that you are taking heed of the things you need to do for yourself and mean to commit to.  This is not an easy journey to embark upon, and requires effort, yet is so worthwhile.  Once you begin to be kind to yourself and respond to your own needs in a consistent way, it will become a good habit that you can take forwards into a healthier future.

Regards your findings of emdr, it isn't for everybody.  There are many other therapies available and I'd encourage you to read up and consider what sounds most suitable for yourself.  The therapist may have different ideas once you've spoken, and will have the benefit of their experience, so keep an open mind and give thought to any suggestions they make for a planned way forwards. 

Do be sure to let us know as you implement these things how they affect you.  Good news is always welcome!

Love and light x

PS Not a therapist   

There is a piece of the puzzle that I haven’t mentioned which is that I abandoned a borderline. But it wasn’t just him it was everyone. When I had five bad years after trauma at the last two of those years I entered into this depression. I started to withdrawal and isolate from everyone. We were only online friends at that time. I sent him a message at that time saying I was sorry and that I think of him everyday.

I made this agreement with myself while in trauma that I would give myself five years to see if I could improve before I even let myself consider suicide. It wasn’t for sure that I would commit suicide but it was my way of not letting myself think about it for a period of time and first really making sure I couldn’t improve. I figured it I couldn’t improve in five years time then I likely couldn’t improve enough to make life not painful. I knew ptsd was not curable but I don’t think I realized it can go into remission and you can have good days and good months and years even. Some bad days some good days. But I only had bad days for years.

I didn’t expect to ever start doing better and I knew if I couldn’t get better than I didn’t think it reasonable that I could live like that. Just enormous amounts of suffering and pain.

Sorry if that was rambling but that is just to say that he felt abandoned by me. We did not resume talking for three years. This happened when everything in our friendship was in the good place. So I had only experienced good from him and never bad.

I had wanted to get back in touch with him but I was so fearful. I just figured it was lost. And then he reached out to me.

He blamed me at that time for everything falling apart in his life. He said he quit his job and gained 400 pounds and lived in his moms attic. Because I abandoned him. So I helped him move here to a place he could afford to make a living in and live independent from his family.

So I think I don’t know that some of what he heaped upon me is revenge but I can’t be sure. And I never intentionally hurt him. In fact in my mind I didn’t even know I mattered that much to him. It was not on purpose that it happened. I thought I was going to possibly commit suicide and I wanted to shield who ever I could from the trauma of that. Because I had trauma and I didn’t want anyone else to experience it and I realized my suicide could traumatize. So I was trying to protect and not hurt.

[tiki]

It felt therapeutic writing that out though it’s stupid to make myself vulnerable on a forum. But also it makes me think maybe I deserved this in a way. I didn’t intentionally hurt anyone but I did. The fact that he said to me “now you know how I felt tossed and discarded” possibly can tell me that it was intentional at least sub consciously that he did this to me. Either that or he had anger he had not processed. So maybe I can just consider this my karmic debt.

And also so much of my feelings are like how he could he do this to me. How could he intentionally hurt me. But if he felt the way I do now then I can understand because now I feel like I want him to hurt and suffer how I am suffering. That even breaks my moral code and yet I feel that way. So maybe then I can understand how somebody else would feel that way.

If there was a town hanging I would attend. Which is completely not who I am. So I guess I can understand how somebody would want to hurt me.

I can also understand that he is dangerous for me to be around. And actually now I’m dangerous around him. Because both of us want to hurt one another. Me consciously and him subconsciously.

So maybe I should just consider this my payment for karmic debt and work on my symptoms.

It really is hard though to see him around and not feel triggered and have to work through all this trauma type feelings. It’s a really big challenge to my mental health.

I have to neutralize my reaction to seeing him like when you take a dog for a walk slowly exposing it to aggravating stimuli until eventually it’s calm and doesn’t even look.