parents will not acknowledge sister's BPD- i feel so helpless

[the_tempest]

Hello,

My (adult) older sister has undiagnosed BPD. Growing up was a terrifying experience, and she physically attacked me throughout the years; as adults, her abuse has turned verbal. Examples range from telling me I will not succeed in (insert whatever endeavor), my parents don't love me, I am a terrible person, I am seeking to destroy and sabotage her, etc. Lately, she is convinced I am going to destroy her wedding. However, she can easily alternate to extremely positive and loving at the drop of a hat, and to her chosen friends, she is bubbly and kind.

I think those on this site are familiar with the various BPD behaviors, but I want help dealing with a crucial factor; my parents call her 'sensitive' or 'moody' and will neither acknowledge the extent of her disease or the impact it has on me. I have recently started to deal with this and when I bring it up to them, they consistently tell me to "ignore her." However, her attacks on my character, the fear she causes, and the constant anxiety make it impossible to just ignore her, though I have tried. Furthermore, I feel unsupported in my self protection- when she lashes out and I do not speak to her to protect myself, my parents chastise me, tell me I am so lucky to have a sister who loves me, even if she's moody, and that she "doesn't mean it."

Is anyone familiar with this scenario? Should I try and get my parents to understand, or should I just focus on myself? How do I deal with the guilt and shame of avoiding her in order to protect myself?

Thank you so much.

[Turkish]

Other than being extremely invalidating to you (to say the least), do you parents think of you or have they told you things like your sister does? Where do you think her anger comes from,  jealousy? Are you in the wedding party?

[Mutt]

Hi the_tempest,



Id like to join Turkish and welcome you. I agree with Turkish with being invalidated I would suggest to talk to us here with people that get it. You’re not alone. When is the wedding? Is she acting out more towards you as the wedding nears?

[the_tempest]

The wedding is in a year. I am in the party. Even as I write this I am terrified that she will find this and hurt me and turn my family against me.

My parents have never told me anything like my sister does; quite the opposite. She once told me in a rare moment ten years ago that she was very jealous of me. She has told me a number of times that I am the favorite child, my parents love me more, I never had to work for anything, everything came easier to me, I had it good, etc.

She is very convinced that she led an extremely difficult life and mine was easy, and seems to want to take out her rage for that

[Turkish]

As long as you chose a user name that's not the same as you use on other accounts, you're safe here.  I get the feeling though... .I thought I might be found in the beginning. It's only happened rarely in my 5 years here,  and only when members tell of the site,  or leave electronics unsecured.

So there's the black sheep/golden child dynamic here 

That's harder to deal with given an overly emotionally sensitive person (which may be true, but it's no excuse for her behaviors). It sounds like your parents excuse her because they are walking on eggshells as well.  Their r/s, the three of them,  is their business.  It's hard not to get roped in though.  From what you wrote,  it sounds like they won't be of help,  even if the only help you need would be validation of their other daughter's treatment of you. 

Any other members deal with jealous siblings?

[Mutt]

Hi the_tempest,

I had the same worries too that my exuBPDw would find me but if you read stories from members you’ll see the semblance’s in all of the stories. I don’t have jealous sibling I just have an ex but I do know what being the black sheep feels like I do have a sister that’s the golden child. A year is a while off so that’s good you can work through it here.

[LeneLu]

Tempest, I have been cast several times as having an "over reaction" to my sister's abuse.  I think it is easier for parents to deal with the nBPD than the BPD.  I also think that they know that by addressing the BPD's issues, it will inevitably come back on them, something that they did or didn't do as parents. I think my mother lives in fear that the blame for my sister's condition will come back on her.  Having some BPD traits of her own, my mom can't handle that.  So it makes it doubly irritating when my mom says to me, "I would have loved to have a sister."  NOT THIS ONE. My mom would be in the fetal position if she had lived through criticism, FOG and abuse that I have. 

[the_tempest]

You nailed it! "black sheep/golden child" perceived dynamic... .ironically, because being the non-BP, I was so comparatively easier to deal with, while she was quite difficult to raise.

How do I get her to stop resenting me for a family dynamic that isn't my fault?

Thank you all so much. It means a lot to hear from you and to not feel so alone.

@leenlou- yes! yes! my mother is an only child and constantly tells me "i would have loved a sibling." not one that terrorizes you on a daily basis ... .

[Turkish]

I'm an only child, but I would say what your mother would say.  Water is thicker then blood,  and stronger when frozen 

You need some healthy boundaries here:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Muttley, where is that triangulation article? The wolf brain is on the fritz... .

[Mutt]

Got it   Turkish. To escape the dynamic we have to look at what’s going on. We have an article on Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle and you can also read Margalis Fjelstad, PhD book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist she also talks about the family scapegoat dynamic and how usually they’re the first ones in the family that become aware of the dysfunctional dynamics.



On that note of awareness BPD is a persecution complex, the person truly believes that their circumstances are not because of their choices / actions they believe that it’s caused externally by others. A pwBPD will cast themselves as victims ( persecution) and sometimes as rescuer they will cast others as persecutor and so sometimes rescuer. If we look at your situation > parents ( rescuer ) > sister ( victim ) > yourself ( persecutor )

Be aware of this pattern read the article and become familiar with triangulation so that you don’t get stuck in this trap it has helped me with my ex and my dad they caused pain for a lot of years. Removing yourself from this dynamic is to move to the center of the triangle what that means is don’t take either sides your parents or your sisters.

[Langwidere_Kin]

I think it is easier for parents to deal with the nBPD than the BPD.  I also think that they know that by addressing the BPD's issues, it will inevitably come back on them, something that they did or didn't do as parents. I think my mother lives in fear that the blame for my sister's condition will come back on her.

I can completely relate to all of this. I am the oldest sibling with what I believe to be an undiagnosed BPD sister and both my brother and I were most definitely easier to deal with. I haven't talked to my sister in about 8 months, which is incredible considering we used to talk at least every other day. My mom and most of my extended family are constantly criticizing me for not having contact with my sister, but I just had to get off the ride. She was causing me such emotional distress that I was becoming unhealthy myself. I hear the same things as you like "I wish you would just talk to your sister, unless it's too much for you or you're too busy". I come from the land of guilt trips. So the best solution I could come up with was to tell them that I would love to talk to her when either she is actively taking steps to get well or when the family (not including her) seeks counselling so that we have a game plan to start holding her accountable and creating healthy boundaries, because they can't deny she has serious issues. So basically I just threw it back at them. I'm not sure if that's the right or best way to go about it, but it seems to have worked so far.

[Hurting Sister]

Tempest,
I have experienced a very similar situation - older drama-queen sister that my parents have always enabled and coddled. I was the easier, quieter, younger one and was expected to go along with being okay with my sister's behavior which I did pretty much until about 2 years ago when my husband and I decided we needed to move away from my sister and my parents for the health of ourselves, our relationship and our children. We moved all the way across the country. My sister did terrible things when we decided to move - we had owned a duplex together (a bad idea we never should have done) and need to sell our half. She manipulated the appraisal, lied to my parents, forced my parents to give both loans to her so that her family "wouldn't be on the street", told my parents we were trying to force the sale of the duplex so they couldn't afford to live there... .she owns 3 properties but didn't want to sell any of those in order to buy our half of the duplex so told my parents she needed them to give her both loans (including the one that had been to us). My parents believe that everything she did was acceptable and that my husband and I are the unreasonable ones - they have stopped speaking to my husband and  painted him as a money-hungry son-in-law when he tried to point out that it wouldn't be fair to me to give both loans (forgivable upon death) to my sister. I do have limited contact with my parents but will never be able to tell them of my fairly firm suspicion that my sister has BPD (my mother also exhibits traits). I had always grown up in this dynamic just trying my best to get along but then when my sister began to be hurtful to my own daughters that is when I drew the line and became a real mama bear and realized that we just had to move away. The daughter of my mother's best friend (now deceased) did tell me that her mother always said of my parents to her "they have this other wonderful daughter too that they just seem to forget about as they are so enamored and focused on their oldest daughter" - to hear this was so extremely validating, knowing that I was not going crazy just thinking I was some needy person reflecting on my childhood in a delusional light. So other people see it too - but only those outside the family - inside the family it could never be discussed. I have not had contact with my sister since we moved about 1.5 years ago and I think this is better but it makes for very difficult family relationships. My parents say I should try harder to get along with her - I do send cards and well wishes that are sincere while she pretends that I don't exist. I have learned that at gatherings with family and friends since we have moved, that me and my family are not discussed and it as if we don't exist anymore - all very hurtful.
My parents even decided to take my sister and her family on a very fancy trip to an exotic location over the holidays - my children were invited but not me and my husband. My parents said that I should work harder to get along with my sister and if I was making these efforts they might have invited me as well. I explained how hurtful this was but they had a hard time seeing it and really believe that I created the situation and it is my own fault.
I too am afraid that if family members read posts on this site that they would know who I am and there would be such a family explosion that it would be nearly unbearable.
I have suffered physical illness and stress and sadness over the years due to this unhealthy family dynamic. It has had a big impact on the relationship that my husband and I have. He couldn't stand that my family accepted such intolerable behavior from my sister and fell into a deep depression. Since moving our relationship has faced great struggles and my husband for a time even thought he wanted to divorce me but now we are working on things.
He was so terribly hurt by my parents's rejection of him - my sister paints my husband as an evil person and my parents believe her. He is not an evil person and was only trying to look out for me.
It is comforting to know that what has felt like such a nightmare to me is actually not that uncommon and others in the world, such as yourself, have experienced very similar family patterns. I am sorry that others have experienced this too but good to know we can support each other on this site.
Long story short - I really get your experience.
- Hurting Sister