Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 01:42:24 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Dealing with Splitting  (Read 634 times)
J James

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 11


« on: February 14, 2018, 12:15:26 AM »

Hello,

I'm going to make this short for now because i don't have the energy to go into all the details of our journey right now.
I have been away from this forum for almost two years. Not because we are no longer dealing with DD's BPD but because our life went from total chaos to a 15 month stay in an out of state residential facility. DD's stay was a much needed time to decompress and work on ourselves as well as weekly family therapy via phone. DD had a rocky start but ended up making great progress in residential as well as earning her HS diploma. We developed a two page plan of expectations and guidelines for her return with the residential team and everyone signed it, including DD. We were hopeful that we were going to be one of the success stories. That was four months ago.

After investing everything we have both emotionally and financially we are failing miserably. DW is still a stay at home Mom and she has to deal with DD on the daily. Sadly, DW has slipped back into the enabler role after much hard work and awareness on this subject. I feel that I am now the target of splitting.
Because I want to stick to the plan and want there to be structure, rules and accountability I have become the Devil himself. Not only do I have to deal with DD's attitude and outbursts I also have to deal with DW's resentment of the chaos I create. I can confirm the importance of being on the same page with your spouse as well as providing structure and clear expectations in the household. 

I am honestly about at my wits end. I feel like I am pretty sound mentally but having a loved one continually yell and scream at you about how bad of a parent you are and how everything wrong with the family in your fault is hard to take, especially when you know how much you have invested in helping her. There have been small moments where DD wants something from me and seems to have a change of heart but it is short lived. They can only focus on anything that you have done that is "negative" and never acknowledge anything good that you may have done.  There have also been a couple of occasions where DD has flipped on DW but that is rare.

I am in the process of setting up DW and myself with Marriage counseling to hopefully work on us through this difficult time. At this stage, i feel like having my spouse back in my corner will have a greater impact on the situation that trying to deal with DD head on.

Any tips on working through the emotional abuse of the BPD splitting? i feel like I am losing my mind.





     
Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2018, 01:01:37 PM »

You can’t control splitting and a pwBPD can’t control it either a pwBPD split people that they the most about. My advice is to just weather the storm but I wonder if there’s something else at play her because DW DD and you make a triangle. You’re familiar with triangulation?
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Huat
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Estranged
Posts: 595


« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2018, 01:20:14 PM »

Welcome back, J-James.

While our daughter has never been officially diagnosed at having BPD, the check marks are there.  She is now 52 and our journey to-hell-and-back started with her when she was just 12 and running away.  I will add, that was at the time when a serial killer of teens/young-adults was in our area so, needless to say, even more of an issue.

Well, all that aside, I understand so well when you write about the impact all this is having on your marriage.  We are now 55+ into ours but it has been tested and come to the brink.  While my husband has never done anything wrong in our daughter's eyes, I (her Mom) am her nemesis... .the cause of her problems.  Mind you, I am the one she has always come to when her world fell apart... .broken relationships, surprise pregnancies, custody battles, money problems, etc.

Back to you.  Wonderful, wonderful, WONDERFUL!... .that you are in the process of setting up marriage counselling.  My husband and I had a few sessions and I can't tell you the relief I felt when I MY feelings were validated by the counsellor.  

Of course, it was pointed out that I, too, had a part in the dysfunction that was happening in our marriage/family.  We all had work to do but so important that my husband and I stood together when dealing with our daughter.  She certainly looked for the cracks over the years and tried to work them to her advantage.

I wish the best for all of you as you work your way through this.  It sounds like you are so wanting your marriage to stay intact (YES!) so you get to that counsellor ASAP!  

Hope we keep hearing from you, J-James, and hope you keep sharing your "expertise" with us.  We really do learn from each other here.

Huat
Logged
J James

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 11


« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2018, 02:48:17 PM »

Thanks All!

Yes, I know you can't control the splitting but it can hopefully be minimized if both caretakers are on the same page. We all need a partner in order to be able to weather these storms! It can bring the strongest of us down.  My sympathy goes out to any single parents out there dealing with these situations. Yes, I have heard of triangulation and that might be a better assessment of what is going on with us. DD pointed out in one therapy session that she thought I was the "victim" most of the time. I feel we have all played different roles at different times. Nonetheless, it can be a tough road to navigate and it has many twists, turns and bumps.

For now, communication from me to DD is nearly impossible so I feel the marriage counseling is going to be the best option at this point. I am hoping once things settle down and the communication and trust is back on track i will be able to approach DD again. DD has absolutely capitalized on the communication breakdown and the result has been further deterioration of the entire family as a whole. I accept responsibility in parts of the dysfunction as well, it's not about pointing the finger. We have all made poor choices at one time or another when faced with the BPD eruptions. We have our first counseling appointment on Tuesday and I am staying optimistic that we will be able to rebuild trust in one another.

We are now dealing with a DD pregnancy scare! By an 18yr old with similar issues and no job! This will could wind up being a whole different topic!

Thanx

Logged
Daisy123
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 170


« Reply #4 on: February 18, 2018, 10:06:50 AM »

Hello!
It has got to be so frustrating for you to see progress in your DD and then to have it halt upon her return home. And then to suffer the splitting!
What strategies do you feel most comfortable enacting to best help you deal with your own pain? Taking a walk, radical acceptance? Meeting up with friends and sharing? Perhaps you could find your own therapist for just you.
When I am the subject of splitting, I have a meditation app on my phone that focuses on self compassion. This keeps me from exploding and worsening the conflict.
Hang on, remain the one in control, but be honest with your frustrations especially with your DW. It seems you have already begun to problem solve by getting in some time for marriage therapy. Hopefully, you and DW can come together on next steps and DW can begin to explore her own motives behind her actions.
May I ask, in what ways has DW begun to enable your DD? I am curious because I am afraid-I may be doing the same thing in our triangle of torment.
It seems our loved ones with BPD seem to take several steps backwards before moving forward.
Take care!
Logged
wendydarling
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Mother
Posts: 2701



« Reply #5 on: February 18, 2018, 03:07:01 PM »

Hi J James

I'm glad you've reached back to Fam here for support.

New topic of pregnancy takes it to a new level as you say.

As Daisy123 asks, have you considered lately your personal wellbeing, reaching out for counselling. I'm a single parent and stepping out for support has bode well for me and my 29BPD is doing well. I wish that for you and all parents here.

What do you see as your priority for you right now, can you work that out?

WDX
Logged

Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
Radcliff
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3377


Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #6 on: February 19, 2018, 10:01:47 PM »

J James,

I am sorry to hear of your situation.  I can definitely relate to being the one trying to hold everything together.

I think you are on the right track with MC, that sounds like an excellent idea.  Let us know how the session goes!

Have you considered having a phone call with the residential center that helped you, and your wife, to have a refresher?  Perhaps starting with a call just between you and them?  I am sure they have seen this before.  Perhaps going back to the people who helped you construct the plan will remind your wife about her earlier commitment.  Are you able to have rational conversations with your wife about what is going on, and deviations from the plan?  I don't mean to be pejorative asking if you can rationally talk to your wife; the main thing that has brought me to these boards is a uBPDw, and we currently are not able to work together on behavior issues with D17, so rational problem solving is not something I take for granted (more like, I dream whistfully about it  )

WW
Logged
J James

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 11


« Reply #7 on: February 20, 2018, 03:08:52 PM »

Daisy 123, WDX and WW,

Thanks for the support!

I feel like I do quite a bit to help myself cope. I have been going to my own T on and off for over two years. I attend a weekly support group for family members of people with mental illness. Honestly, the support group is hands down the most beneficial to me because the room is full of people that understand exactly what you are experiencing... .and its free!  Smiling (click to insert in post) DW and I started MC today and we both start an 11 wk  family to family course on living and coping with family members with mental illness. A portion of this course focuses on taking care of yourself. I talk to select friends and occasionally family members. I also walk, bike, kayak and listen to music to unwind. Radical acceptance is something that I need to work through, maybe I'll feel differently once my child is an adult and has moved out?

Right now, my priority is my wife and I's health and marriage which have both suffered immensely through this. We can't control or change DD but the future looks much brighter if you think you have a partner to support you through the remainder. We all know this doesn't stop because pwBPD turned 18 and moved out of your home. I have a good feeling about the MC.

The residential facility. What a huge disappointment. They loved and cared for our DD for 15mo and we spent many weekends with the staff. I felt as if we would have a lifelong connection and would be giving future testimonials to our success. There was supposed to be follow ups. There was supposed to be therapy for up to 6wks afterwards to help with the transition but none of that happened. We can only imagine if this would have taken a different course with their assistance in the ultra critical time span of post residential. DW deviating from the plan is how she copes with the relentless pressure from DD. I on the other hand have strong feelings about sticking to the agreed plan that was endorsed by all, including the mental health specialists. This is the root of most of our disagreements.  I have made my share of mistakes in other areas so i don't want this to seem one-sided.

There are a lot of very knowledgeable and experienced folks on this board. There is an overwhelming amount of information out there to navigate through while dealing with life's twists and turns. Most of us are just average people trying to do the best we can to save our loved ones from themselves and not losing ourselves in the process. We do not get the credit we deserve for fighting this fight... .its a tough one!

JJ
Logged
wendydarling
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Mother
Posts: 2701



« Reply #8 on: February 20, 2018, 08:02:11 PM »

JJ,

I'm so sorry to hear the transition from RTC to home has left you and your wife in turmoil and your dear DD. 15 months apart is a long time despite the work you have all invested as a family during this time.

My 29DD completed 14 months out patient DBT last Sept and I feared she'd fall without support, they say the first 12 months is the most likely time. She has not yet and I believe that is because she knows she can reach out and is well connected within our local health system, services and her friends understand, they are there for her.

I could have personally paid for 'private care' back in 2015 with help of family, I did not as I believed local care in our community may mean she is always and forever connected. It has bode well so far.

You know what is best for you and your wife, I'm glad you are able to take steps forward MC.

How about your DD?  Does she have local support OP in your community she can build for her?

WDx
Logged

Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!