I want out, with my sanity intact and my kids not screwed up. Is there hope?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello. I’ve reached the point where I’m numb. I find myself randomly crying because I cannot take any more. I’ve tried to get the BPD-SO out of my life, but somehow I keep letting him come back in. I try to be friendly as that we have two children (currently with no legal agreement or him having any legal rights), but then the next thing I know he’s back in my house like nothing has changed. About 18 months ago he put his hands on me, and blames the fact that he wa on drugs at the time as to why it got that far.

I’ve started going to individual therapy, and my therapist is great and supportive, but it’s on me to take the actions. My parents and sibling are trying to be supportive, but they don’t understand what it’s like, and simply give me the “cut ties and block him”. I’ve tried that, and it hasn’t worked yet. This last time he showed up at my house because our children (6yo) weren’t answering their iPads (we were doing homework) and I’m being a “controlling b—ch” keeping the children from him.  

The BP-SO has even signed us up for couples therapy.  We’ve had the first three sessions (one together, and one each separately).  The first session was like a blame game that he talked and accused 90% of the conversation.  :)uring my individual session, that therapist told me that I’m in a DV situation and that I need to make the decision whether to stay or leave.  As I’m reading the “Stop Walking on Eggshels” book, it was exactly how they described a couples therapy would go.

Currently, I know I’m depressed and although I’m seeing my therapist and am getting into a psychiatrist to get on antidepressants/anxiety medication (I now have panic attacks and constant chest pain being around/dealing with him). I’m having difficulty laying the boundaries for him to respect them.  He’s invited himself over to stay 3-5 day every week for the last two months at my house (interrupting my kids’ schedule I try to have, not to mention disregarding my rules like “it’s bedtime, all electronics off” to him saying “it’s your mom’s rules, you know I let you stay up, but you can take your iPads to bed”). I’ve had no quality time with my children (I have four total), I no longer have any friends (not that I had a lot to begin with), but now I’ve allowed myself to even be isolated from my family.  And the most scary thing: I’m asking myself what’s wrong with me to allow any of this? Why can’t I say “get out and stay out”, him respect that and me be able to maintain it.

I want out, with my sanity intact, and my kids not screwed up anymore than necessary.  Please tell me there’s hope.

[Need2BreakFree]

Hello. I’ve reached the point where I’m numb. I find myself randomly crying because I cannot take any more. I’ve tried to get the BPD-SO out of my life, but somehow I keep letting him come back in. I try to be friendly as that we have two children (currently with no legal agreement or him having any legal rights), but then the next thing I know he’s back in my house like nothing has changed. About 18 months ago he put his hands on me, and blames the fact that he wa on drugs at the time as to why it got that far.

I’ve started going to individual therapy, and my therapist is great and supportive, but it’s on me to take the actions. My parents and sibling are trying to be supportive, but they don’t understand what it’s like, and simply give me the “cut ties and block him”. I’ve tried that, and it hasn’t worked yet. This last time he showed up at my house because our children (6yo) weren’t answering their iPads (we were doing homework) and I’m being a “controlling b—ch” keeping the children from him.  

The BP-SO has even signed us up for couples therapy.  We’ve had the first three sessions (one together, and one each separately).  The first session was like a blame game that he talked and accused 90% of the conversation.  :)uring my individual session, that therapist told me that I’m in a DV situation and that I need to make the decision whether to stay or leave.  As I’m reading the “Stop Walking on Eggshels” book, it was exactly how they described a couples therapy would go.

Currently, I know I’m depressed and although I’m seeing my therapist and am getting into a psychiatrist to get on antidepressants/anxiety medication (I now have panic attacks and constant chest pain being around/dealing with him). I’m having difficulty laying the boundaries for him to respect them.  He’s invited himself over to stay 3-5 day every week for the last two months at my house (interrupting my kids’ schedule I try to have, not to mention disregarding my rules like “it’s bedtime, all electronics off” to him saying “it’s your mom’s rules, you know I let you stay up, but you can take your iPads to bed”). I’ve had no quality time with my children (I have four total), I no longer have any friends (not that I had a lot to begin with), but now I’ve allowed myself to even be isolated from my family.  And the most scary thing: I’m asking myself what’s wrong with me to allow any of this? Why can’t I say “get out and stay out”, him respect that and me be able to maintain it.

I want out, with my sanity intact, and my kids not screwed up anymore than necessary.  Please tell me there’s hope.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Need2, Welcome!  What makes you think that your SO has BPD?  It sounds like you are struggling with boundaries, which is common for us Nons.  See the Tools button above for more on this subject.  It's not up to him to invite himself over to your house for 3-5 days a week; it's up to you, my friend.  If something doesn't work for you, it's your job to let him know and state your boundary.  Start with baby steps, is my suggestion.  Work on enforcing minor boundaries, such as your rule about electronics at bedtime.  It's not his place to override your house rules, in my view, so let him know.  If I can make another suggestion, it is to avoid getting isolated, because you can lose all perspective.  Make it a priority to get in touch with family and friends.  You're going to need their support when the going gets rough in the days ahead . . .

LuckyJim

[Insom]

 Hi!

Hi, Need2BreakFree!  Allow me to join Lucky Jim in welcoming you. 

I hear that you're feeling sad and overwhelmed.  And the repeated boundary violations sound frustrating.  Good news is, you're here and you're getting support!  There is hope.  I went through many cycles of leaving an abusive ex with BPD, but ultimately was able to break free. 

It sounds like your'e feeling isolated from friends and family.  Is there one step you can take toward reconnecting?

[I Am Redeemed]

 
Need2, so glad you found us.

There is hope, even though it is not going to be easy. I can relate to so much of your post. I made several attempts to break out of the dv situation I was in. It took me six years to finally decide to draw the line for good, and my family did not understand what took me so long. This site is very helpful because people here understand that it is not as simple as just leaving and cutting him out of your life. It's much more complicated than that. I have been able to use the resources here to help me learn about boundaries, enabling, co-dependency, and other goodies.

 It sounds like you are struggling with boundaries, which is common for us Nons.  See the Tools button above for more on this subject.  It's not up to him to invite himself over to your house for 3-5 days a week; it's up to you, my friend.  If something doesn't work for you, it's your job to let him know and state your boundary.  Start with baby steps, is my suggestion.  Work on enforcing minor boundaries, such as your rule about electronics at bedtime.  It's not his place to override your house rules, in my view, so let him know.  If I can make another suggestion, it is to avoid getting isolated, because you can lose all perspective.  Make it a priority to get in touch with family and friends.  You're going to need their support when the going gets rough in the days ahead . . .

LuckyJim

I agree wholeheartedly. I sometimes think if my h was not still in jail, I would be struggling more than I am. I can tell you that every other attempt I made to separate myself from the abusive behavior failed because I did not have a sufficient enough support system in place. I was isolated. This time I actually have been able to keep a job for almost three years, and I have built supportive r/s with some of my coworkers. I would not be making it right now without some of them.
Keep posting, and make use of the tools here. They have been very enlightening and empowering for me. You are not alone.

Redeemed

[Speck]

Welcome, Need2BreakFree!   

Let me welcome you here to BPDFfamily, and wish for you as much help and support as I have received.  It's clear you have a lot in common with many of us here, and this is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading, you will find it helpful.

I agree with Lucky Jim, in that I see that you are having a tough time setting boundaries and that it may be best to start with baby steps at first.

Have you seen this article about setting boundaries and limits?

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

There's also a helpful workshop regarding the same, and can be found, here:

Boundaries and Values

These two articles can get you started on an informed path to health and wellness.

Please tell us more when you're comfortable doing so and check with us to let us know how things are going for you.


-Speck

[Need2BreakFree]

Thanks LuckyJim,

Until recently I’ve thought he was bipolar, then he sent me a link describing BPD. But even though he thoroughly researches, he never told doctors (psychiatrist or therapists) all his symptoms and behaviors.  He more than meets the minimum of 5 indicators for BPD. His mood swings vary, but after 36-72 hours together straight, the rage and accusations start. If I touch my phone, it’s because some man must be texting me or I’m expecting a text from a man. I have to tell him where I’m going, and no matter where I’m going, it takes “too long”. 

Everything is my fault somehow, even if I haven’t done anything because it feels like before (I had left him before and dated others, but in his head we were still together during that time because after months of him constantly texting/calling me I’d break down and say yes to going to eat to “talk”).  His emotions from dreams carry over into the day, even though he doesn’t recall his dreams (but he frequently cusses in his sleep and says things like “are you f-ing stupid?” Because everyone else are stupid or idiots).

He has substance abuse history with relapses between soberiety phases. He did try therapy, but did not go consistently and had meds, but would skip them and go long periods without taking them.  I was hoping if we got into couples therapy, the therapist would help the break be easier. During my individual session, while she didn’t tell me to leave, she did make it sound like she felt it would be in my best interest.  My family doesn’t understand and try to be supportive, but since I keep letting him worm his way back (yes I know I play my part too), they’re pretty much exhausted in trying to be supportive.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Need2, OK it sounds like he fits many of the criteria.  The place to start, I suggest, is with yourself.  His mood swings are out of your control.  What you can control is the role he plays in your life.  It's normal for one's family to be perplexed, because most family members have had no concept of BPD, which is so far out of their realm of experience.  Let me ask you a couple of tough questions: What are your gut feelings?  What would you like to see happen?  What is the best path for you?  I admire your resolve in addressing these difficult issues.

LuckyJim