There must be a playbook

[takingandsending]

My uBPDxw is attending a cla$$ in Hawaii for accreditation as an Access Consciousness facilitator. Prior to leaving, she noted that S12 had asked for a way of reaching her when she was gone - his idea. She bought a pre-paid flip phone so he can text/call her when he feels like it. I have a hunch it will be deactivated when I am travelling for work. So far, it's been no big deal as my poor son doesn't know how to work his phone and my xw hasn't called him back the few times he wanted to talk to her. To be fair, she hasn't asked me to pay for half the phone cost.

I recall a similar thread a while back from the BPD Family community member, about a BPDm who gave a phone to a child to take share photos and texts from mom. Just makes me wonder if there is a BPD playbook that is used.  And if so, how do they figure out the distribution list? 

At the risk of offending any community members, does anyone know anything about Access Consciousness (besides it draining a lot of money from the pockets of its practitioners)? Like many new age tropes, comments online range from life saving to cult. I hear my S6 regurgitating Access platitudes, and while it can be very frustrating to me, I am hoping it is mostly harmless. But after looking online about some of the founders' comments on "children being sexy", now I worry that it's one more thing I need to try to protect my kids from. 

[Nope]

You don't need a play book. As you've found, you can just read through old threads and get a pretty good idea of what to expect. Particularly if the BPD is high conflict. (Not all are.) Yes, the phone will disappear or some how get broken if you try to use it for contact, so I wouldn't bother unless it is addressed in a court order.

As for how much to worry about her interest in this thing she is doing. That depends. Has she been involved in these kinds of things before? It could end up being a passing interest. Those quick life fixes tend to be most interesting to people who are looking outside of themselves for answers, which certainly could appeal to BPD. What is your response when S6 regurgitates something his mom is saying? I'd look at this as an opportunity to practice how you will handle all sorts of things he might hear from his mom and repeat as though they are truths.

[takingandsending]

Hi Nope. I think you misunderstood me. I don't want or need a BPD playbook, thanks. I have lived through plenty of it to last me. I just wondered, tongue in cheek, if pwBPD circulate a list of top 20 favorite manipulative, controlling ploys to one another. Just speculating. And no, I have zero expectations of using the phone. It is a clear ploy by xw to try to worm into S12 when he is with me. She loaded his phone with her friends' phone numbers. It's sad. She resists any attempts by me or S12 to actually make his own friends.

Good question on S6. I usually let him know that what he is saying is one way of looking at things (i.e. don't invalidate), and then relate my experience with other (and hopefully more healthy) ways of considering the world and people around us. I try not to reactively shut him down for parroting what his mom says, let him know that I hear him, and if I disagree, I state that. When he says, "Mom knows", I remind him that his mom has a point of view like we all do, and it's okay to have different points of view than hers.

I guess my worry on the Access thing is how much exposure my kids have to the members of that group who tend to all do and say the same platitudes and beliefs being espoused by a couple of dudes who lead the organization that are primarily interested in building a religion that puts lots of money in their pockets. I don't care about adults choosing that, but it makes me angry when kids who are susceptible to that type of brainwashing are exposed. And I worry about my sons getting regular doses of this nonsense.

[soundofmusicgirl]

takingandsending... .it was probably my posts you are referring to. Yes, the phone did disappear after the visit. BPDxw told the kids that is was just "for their trips with Dad". To her lawyer she gave the "the phone is too expensive and I can't afford it" spiel. Even though we have it in a court order that the kids should be easily accessible to both parents on all phones. The rules just don't apply to her

Funny enough the kids are now saying (months after their summer visit where the phone was an issue for the first two days of their visit and then they simply forgot about them) that they do not want to come and visit us anymore because we did not treat them well ("we pressured them for their pincodes for their phones and made sure they got a bunch of weird text messages".

[flourdust]

From the Access Consciousness website: "Access Consciousness offers you the tools and questions to create everything you desire in a different and easier way, and to change the things in your life that you haven't been able to change until now. It empowers you to know that you know and provides you with ways to become totally aware and to begin to function as the conscious being you truly are."

Cost for one 2-day class I clicked on randomly: $2900.

I think we know who is getting everything they desire in a different and easier way here, and it's not the suckers ponying up 3 grand a pop.

[Panda39]

Cell phones are always an issue those issues seem to manifest in slightly different ways depending on the situation.

In my SO's case the cell phone was used to have 24 hour access by his ex to their daughters.  The girls were taught that it is "rude" to not answer the phone so like robots they answered every time.  It didn't matter if it was in the middle of dinner, that they were with friends, or asleep in their bed.

FOG... .Fear of being rude, or repercussions from their mom, feeling Obligated to answer, and Guilty if they don't.  It was a triple bind... .just easier to do it than not.

It took time for the girls to understand that it is okay to not answer the phone and to call someone back when it is convenient.

In terms of the trip to Hawaii... .you can't control what she does, you can only control what you do.  I would document her participation in something this expensive you might need it later if she claims poverty.  (Also from the playbook  )

Panda39

[Nope]

It sounds like a bunch of feel-good drivel to me. But it's probably pretty harmless except for the financial aspect. When she gets over it the kids will quickly get over it as well. Kids are susceptible because they are kids. As long as they have one parent in one household where they can spend time and get away from the influence most kids will stop being susceptible once critical thinking starts to really ramp up in the teenage years. There are situations when that isn't true and the desire to be enmeshed with a BPD parent over rides the ability to think for themselves, but based on what I've seen that's closely tide to successful alienation of the nonBPD parent. (PA has it's very own chapter in the playbook.)

In my case when SD and SS were younger they bought into everything their uBPDm said. And because the other adults around them only heard uBPDm's side of the story, they openly supported her beliefs in speaking to the kids as well. So the kids got consistent doses of their mom's alleged victimization by their dad and they were very angry at him for what their mom and her family claimed he was doing. They continued to buy in to all of it for the first three years they lived primarily with us. Now at ages 13 and 14 when they go back to visit their mom they don't buy into any of it. No matter what their mom, her fiance, and his family try to say they know better and they also know when they are being subtly pressured about things. So time will tell what will actually stick for your S6, but I think developmentally he's likely to just grow out of his investment in it.

[Turkish]

Scientology knock-off? est? Landmark? Food for the fodder, IMO, not an official BPDFAMILY opinion,  just mine. 

My ex loves the self help industrial complex to the extreme.  She got into a multi level marketing insurance "get rich quick" thing when she left me.  I haven't had to hear about her "business" in over a year.  I know that they used LGAT techniques

I've heard a few odd things from my son.  Parenting by platitude. You can't control your ex.  Just watch for these things to bleed over into your kid. 

[livednlearned]

my xw hasn't called him back the few times he wanted to talk to her

Is your son expressing his feelings about any of this to you? I imagine this has to be so painful for him  

My mistake was getting mad/irritated at n/BPD's behavior, not paying enough attention to how my son was feeling. That, and not sharing my feelings with then S12 when he was at sea emotionally. I went so far in the other direction I think it made him feel that emotions were something better stuffed.     He's 16 now and very bottled up, after being an emotionally expressive child.

If you can feel pain about S12's mom ignoring him, it might be ok to share it with him. Not the emotional reactive kind of sharing, but the genuine sadness -- feeling what it must feel like. Or feeling sadness that your son is hurting. And really making space for those feelings.

Every time your ex does something self-involved, self-centered, selfish, self-serving, look at it as an opportunity to model healthy ways to deal with distress and sadness for S12. There will be a lot of material to work with  

I've been a slow learner with this. You might already be acing it  . I am a few years into trying some new things, and I just started to see the fruits of this approach. By focusing on S16's feelings, and giving him a hint at what mine are, I created emotional safety for us. Not all of this has been about his dad, everything has the potential to be material for sadness and distress.

S16 is beginning to open the door to discussing how his dad makes him feel, a devastating amount of pain to contend with. His sense of self was shattered during his tweens, and that's a shaky way to enter adolescence.

I'm so sorry his mom can't be there for him, and that you have to pick up the pieces. But hopefully it will bring you two closer, and he'll come through this intact, and maybe even more emotionally aware than the average teen. You're doing such an admirable job, t&s. He's lucky to have you.

LnL