Is there a way to avoid or fix the cycle?

[randomuser94]

It's for the 2nd time in 2 years where she feels engulfed by me, and asks me for 'some space' which translates to I need a break-up.
 And for the 2nd time 2 days after we broke up she is in a new relationship with a random guy. Once again I find out that they had sex and everything. I get the usual black splitting while the guy is her savior. After a month she comes back crying and complaining how much the guy hurt her and how much of a mistake she did.
 
 I assume most of you went trough this cycle more than once. If it all starts when she feels engulfed by love/emotions... is there a way to control this? They need constant validation and love but at the same time it becomes to much for them... Is there a way around?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jessica84]

Can you explain how she feels engulfed?

I'm sorry you are going thru this. Breakups are hard, especially when there's another person involved. There is a way to break this cycle, but it takes time to break any habits/patterns.

[isilme]

Yes and no.  Yes, you can break parts of the cycle to which you contribute, but you can't directly change the pwBPD or how they behave.

H never actually broke up with me, but he did engage in emotional cheating over and over, and at the last straw for me it progressed to a point where it went beyond emotional cheating and I was sick and tired of being "back up Miss Dependable" for when he finally got enmeshed enough with a new person that they'd get in a fight and he'd unleash a BPD-irrational-rage at them and they'd drop him.  I finally made it clear that this was unacceptable and I was not going to be "back up girl" while he played around each time he felt too smothered being with just me.  And I made plans to move out, and leave him.  This was not an ultimatum - I see those as last-ditch bids for control of the other person.  This was me reacting to being hurt so much I'd rather be alone than have him disregard me over and over.  And... .realizing I could very well move on and live a decent life of my own, he started slowly to change.  That was about 10 years ago.  Since then, he got a full-time job, became more reliable, stopped being Mr. Flirtaious, finished college, bought a house, and we finally got married.

He still has rages, blow-ups, and yes, even threatens at times to "go find someone to give him what he needs" when he is in a super period of dysregulation.  Our last big blow up was Saturday night.  BPD is always going to taint how he reacts, especially when he's tired, sick, and his blood sugar is low.  And especially when I am tired, sick, and don't temper my own reactions very well to avoid JADEing and invalidation.  But it's done, and by Monday night, he was pretty "reset" to baseline, and the rest of this week has been okay. 

What boundaries do you have about these break-ups with hookups?  Are you okay with her doing this?  What bothers you the most about it?  At the moment, she has learned (so far) that she can break up with you, date someone else for a while, but you will be waiting in the wings for when she wants/needs you again.  Are you okay with this (some people are fine with things being open)?  If not, how have you communicated it to her?  Do you 'chase' her?  Do you give her her space and let her come back whenever? 

We are the other side of the coin.  We can't "fix" them, but we can take steps to see how we respond, and if it's in a manner that can make BPD worse instead of better, that feeds drama instead of minimizing it.  What do you do when this happens, when she feels "engulfed"?

Also, do the times she claims to be "engulfed" come at the same time of year?  Are other things happening in her life that might make her feel off, that she re-attributes to you instead of facing? 

[gotbushels]

Hi randomuser94 

We're here to provide support and improve the quality of a relationship where one partner exhibits pwBPD traits. 

It's for the 2nd time in 2 years ... .

That's a pretty good relative track record to where one SO in a relationship will suggest a break-up 20–40 times a year. 3 times a day for some. So relative to that, that's not so much. If you want some change in the way your partner does things--then that's still okay.

Re: Is there a way to avoid or fix the cycle?

I think isilme is on a good track here:

Yes and no.  Yes, you can break parts of the cycle to which you contribute, but you can't directly change the pwBPD or how they behave.

is there a way to control this?

"Fix" implies broken, and so perhaps you can narrow this thing down. What exactly do you want to avoid or change? If you want her to not feel engulfed, then she herself would probably have the answer for you:

asks me for 'some space' which translates to I need a break-up.

It might help to ask why she asks you for space. The answer there would probably help with seeing if you can get what you want.

asks me for 'some space' which translates to I need a break-up.

I don't know the background to your relationship randomuser94, and giving someone space doesn't automatically mean terminating an intimate relationship. 

[randomuser94]

I hate the fact that she took me for granted. Expected to be able to go in and out in this relation. After the recent event i packed my things in order to leave. She begged me not to leave when she realized that i'm not joking, but this happened when she was still with the other guy...

Now that she found out the other guy betrayed her with someone else i know her emotional state is trough the roof. I don't know if i should contact her to show her that I'm here for her or just let her come back.

Boundaries: We never had them during a break-up. And I had very few set up during the relation as well.Huge mistake. I've found recently that she has BPD and realized how much they improve the relation. I just need back into relationship to apply everything I've learned.

I get at least 20 break-up threats a year awell, but those are started from rage and they are easy to handle.

[gotbushels]

I get at least 20 break-up threats a year awell, but those are started from rage and they are easy to handle.

I see. I found many difficult to handle.

I hate the fact that she took me for granted. Expected to be able to go in and out in this relation. ... .

Well, we're here to help--of course, if you expect an exclusive relationship where both people aren't in-and-out like fast food--and one person goes against that expectation, it can lead to resentment. A trust given that's been taken for granted.  Right on this piece, what are you going to do about it?