She wishes I were dead. Am I safe?

[Mountain friend]

I have been married 10 years and our relationship has always had issues with communication and anger. The last few years, my wife has blamed me for every downfall, seldom apologized and refuses to go to couples counseling on a regular basis. The last two years have been intensifying verbal abuse towards me, hopelessness on her part for the marriage, try’s to kick me out of the house and lately wishes I were dead. Am I safe or do I need to leave?
I took action and made a safe place for us to talk with a comfortable familiar couples counselor where I set out firm family boundaries and a restore plan that involves regular mental health accountability as an immediate priority.
This was not taken that well. If she is not willing I am considering dissolving our marriage. The counselor thinks she has BPD.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Mountain friend, 



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that it has come down to this after 10 years it has to be disheartening to find yourself laying down boundaries in couples counselling. We can't tell you what to do we're here to listen. It helps to talk to people that can offer you advice because they're in similar situations as you.

BPD is an emotional dysregulation disorder where the person can't self regulate or self sooth it takes a pwBPD much longer than the non  to return to their emotional baseline of happiness. Feelings= facts to a BPD communication has broken down communicating with a pwBPD is slightly different because certain things are in different order for example validate her feelings first ( feelings = facts ) then package your truth at the end. What are your thoughts on starting with communicating differently?

Communicate - S.E.T. (Support, Empathy and Truth)

Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating

[valet]

Hey Mountain friend, I think that you're doing the right thing by establishing a long-term plan for yourself with this relationship.

You don't need to make any decisions right yet, but you will need to pay attention to how your wife responds to couples counseling. A good rule of thumb to go by is that things need to stop getting worse before they get better.

Mutt has some good suggestions for improving communication skills. Try to read them and set a new tone in the relationship, one where you are firm but not compassionless—not afraid to do what's best for yourself. It might be a helpful idea to think about your own values and how you might set more boundaries around them for yourself. You can find some good discussion on that here: Boundaries and Values

Keep posting and vent when you need to. You're not alone in this!