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Author Topic: I am separating from my wife. I think it's over. Need suggestions  (Read 376 times)
smart_storm26
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 68


« on: February 19, 2018, 07:22:03 AM »

Hello,

I want to thank everyone who has thus far supported me during my crisis situations when I had posted here earlier. I have decided to separate from my BPD wife.

Yesterday she had another typical dysregulation over something where she herself was wrong. I wont go into the details but she was behaving extremely immaturely, throwing tantrums like a child and abusing me verbally. I got fed up, decided not to be a part of the drama and tried leaving the room. Me trying to leave the room enraged her further, made her more violent and she attacked me physically and pushed me inside the room. She slapped me, punched me on the neck and hit me on the face such that my eyeglasses broke. This is the 7th time I got physical abuse from her. When she had attacked me the 5th time, then only I had told her that if this repeats, I will be leaving. When she did it the 6th time, even then I forgave her as she pleaded and begged to me not to leave and told me she will seek the help she needs (told me many times before but never saw a positive initiative from her side). Yesterday when she hit me the 7th time, I realized that this will never stop. I felt sad and tears rolled down my eyes upon the realization that the person I love dearly cannot stop abusing me. Then after some time I kind of calmed down and since then have decided that I will separate. That is the only way the abuse can stop. She is now in her pleading begging mode again and but I can't keep playing that same toxic game again. I do not deserve this. I am so much hurt. And I am not in conflict anymore. I will walk away for real this time. No more threats to her. No more telling her to seek help. Whether she seeks help or not, its her decision... .I am not going to live with such pain, abuse and chaos. I feel I am burned out completely and cannot tolerate this relationship anymore.  

I have not told her about my plans yet. But I have decided that first I need to calm down, take a week or so if required, wait for my salary to get credited. Then I am going to call her family members and be honest with them about what has been going on all this time. I will ask someone from her family to come stay with her because am sure me leaving will make her blow up and she is not emotionally stable and can end up doing anything impulsively. Then once she has someone beside her, I will just leave. Just go and disappear where I want to. I am planning to go NC after that. How long will I stay separated that I am going to decide. As long as I need to.
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JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520



« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2018, 08:13:27 AM »

 

Hi SS26. I’m sorry that you have been enduring such abuse, and I’m glad that you have come to this decision. No one, and I mean no one, has the right to physically attack another person. You are right to protect yourself. I also believe that you are correct in not telling her your plans yet. If she knows you’re finally serious, things could spiral out of control faster than you’re able to react. It sounds like you have a plan in place. Good on you for that. The timing may be crucial. You may want to reconsider alerting her family members before you are actually moved out. Is there a member of her family that you can fully trust to help you implement your plan? Even if you believe there is, you have to keep in mind that it is still her family and things might not work out the way you are planning. The MOST IMPORTANT part is removing yourself from her presence. She has already proven that she is dangerous. Perhaps alert her family immediately after you’ve left, just put yourself first. These DV situations can turn on you and end up with you in jail, or worse. I truly am sorry that you’re having to go through this. Right now, be objective. You can begin to process and heal once you are safely away from her. You’re doing the right thing. Please keep us in the loop and stay safe.
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“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
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Jeffree
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Relationship status: divorce
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« Reply #2 on: February 19, 2018, 08:33:23 AM »

SS26,

I am so sorry that your relationship has come to this conclusion, but I am really proud of you for taking this tack on your behalf. I am sure this is not a decision made lightly, and you certainly have endured more than your fair share of abuse. Be gentle on yourself for taking this step, and do not let her bully you back into the relationship. She is likely to resort to anything to either woo you back or get leverage over you. Do not take the bait and remove yourself from her physical presence as quickly as humanly possible.

J
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   "Live as if your life depended on it." ~ Werner Erhard
gearshifted

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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« Reply #3 on: February 19, 2018, 08:43:52 AM »

Good to see you setting healthy boundaries. I too was physically abused by my ex on a number of occasiona, all when she was drunk (not that drinking excuses it). I once woke up at 2am to her climbing on top of me and pounding the crap out of me in bed. Thank god when she came home she was with her friends so they managed to pull her off and calm her down, but that was the first red flag of this magnitude, because I had been sleeping. Its not like we even had an argument or situation which promoted this. She got to this state all on her own, presumably by me being asleep and not answering my phone.

The few times she got physical with me she had this deranged and psychotic look in her eyes... .a look I can never forget, which other users here have reported seeing during similar situations with their borderlines.
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GaGrl
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 5722



« Reply #4 on: February 19, 2018, 08:57:10 AM »

Since this is your decision, painful as it is, and you are taking a week or so to ready yourself, please take some practical steps that can help you and you unravel your marriage.

Make a police report about the domestic violence.  Take your glasses with you to demonstrate the damage.

If you don't, and if the separation becomes ugly (and they do), the DV could either end up as a "he said/she said," or she will turn it around on you, project her actions, and accuse you of abusing her.

Get ahead of this now.
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
smart_storm26
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 68


« Reply #5 on: February 19, 2018, 09:19:24 AM »

Hello JNChell,

Thank you for the encouragement and for your suggestions. I will definitely keep your suggestions in mind. I have taken a few days to take suggestions from others including you guys and then decide on the best course of action. But no matter how I do it, I am pretty sure I am gonna do it this time. And her crying puppy face is not going to stop me this time. I will keep everyone posted
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smart_storm26
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 68


« Reply #6 on: February 19, 2018, 09:23:22 AM »

Hello gearshifted

Sad to know what you had to go through. I really wish you find enough time to heal from all that.

Actually there arn't boundaries anymore. Now what she is going to get from me is complete NC.
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smart_storm26
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 68


« Reply #7 on: February 19, 2018, 09:27:30 AM »

Hello Gagrl,

In my country the police doesnt believe that a woman can physically abuse a man. There are many helplines in place to help women abuse victims but nothing for men.

The only help I will get is from my own family and friends.

But do not worry. I am prepared for anything thrown at my way but I am not going to live this tragic life from now on
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juju2
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1137



« Reply #8 on: February 19, 2018, 09:28:19 AM »

Hi,

You are in the right place.

I am separated since march 2017 from my long time r/s dBPD bf, we were together 10 years.  There was two times he hit me in my left arm(2011), he was dysregulated, he was under stress, and i had no tools.    I know now not to escalate.   I have a lot more tools because of this site.

we are going to couples counseling since November, our r/s is getting better by baby steps.

it took me being separated to see the good things in him.  Now I wish we didnt separate, if there had been another way.  We were very toxic at that time.

 We are not that way at all now.
Our T. has us starting at ground zero, we are to go on coffee dates, nothing heavy, no drama.
i am enjoying our times together.  I lost 50 lbs,
Am taking two classes at the community college, and am active in a community group, 2x a week, work full time, gym 3x wk.have 30 more lbs to go... .

for me, i want us to work out.  It is slow going, baby,baby steps.  the only real support I have is the site, the members, everyone here.

there is hope, especially when i stop reacting and when i focus on my life.  Hang in there,  j
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BasementDweller
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 446



« Reply #9 on: February 21, 2018, 05:36:21 AM »

Oh, Smart, I am sad to hear this, and so sorry it turned out this way. I really had hope for the two of you, as she had made such improvements - and you were going to give it a go with therapy and such.

But if you have been badly physically assaulted again, then all bets are off. You had told her if she attacked you again, you were leaving. And now this is unfortunately what happened. I wish you the best of luck in your healing process, and I hope you find happiness and peace soon. You seem like a kind and compassionate person. I'm sorry you had to endure this.

 
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