Trying to recover from BPD brother's abuse

[Sevely]

Hello! I'm new to this website. I've been doing some research on mental health and the effects of abuse for my own benefit, and came to the realization that my older brother may have BPD. I'm mainly here because I want to see if anyone has a similar experience, and to seek support in my healing journey.

I've always had a difficult time find help for my experiences because most resources are geared toward children of abusive parents. However, in my experience, my mother, who was a single parent from the time I was 2, was not abusive. It was my brother, who is only two years older, whose rage and insecurity came to a forefront around the time I was ten. Life became terrifying. He stopped physically harming me around 14, because the threat of juvenile detention became real. However, he was verbally malicious, cutting me down in every way, actively trying to make me feel worthless. He was intimidating. He put holes in the walls, threatened to kill me on a regular basis, and I spent many years scared to go to sleep because I thought he'd come in and kill me. I also feared rape, because of some comments he'd made, but in hindsight don't think he ever would have. There was a time the abuse became mildly sexual in nature, and he manipulated me by saying "hey, it helps me be nicer to you." It was just a lot of mind games and fear and manipulation.

Anyway, I share that because after being out of the house and independent for a few years, I've sought therapy and digging into those memories is hard. I don't know how to let myself feel things. I'm anxious and overwhelmed by school - even with a mild schedule. This just takes up so much of my thought and emotional energy. And I'm not even to the point of fully acknowledging my experiences and the emotions I need to feel to move on. I'm tired of being an emotional zombie! But trying to work through this is turning into depression, and while I finally understand why, my overeating is becoming a major issue.

What has your healing journey been like? Do you have any advice? If you know Jesus, please throw out a prayer for me, too.

Thank you, I know this is kind of a verbal/textual vomit.

[No-One]

Hi Sevely:
I'm so sorry about your troubled relationship with your brother.  It had to be very hard for you to have your brother treat you the way he has.

I've always had a difficult time find help for my experiences because most resources are geared toward children of abusive parents. However, in my experience, my mother, who was a single parent from the time I was 2, was not abusive. It was my brother, who is only two years older, whose rage and insecurity came to a forefront around the time I was ten.

I agree with you.  There is a lot of emphasis on abuse as a root cause.  What I've observed, by reading a lot of posts, is that more often than not, there is a history of mental illness within the family.  It can be a matter of what came first, the chicken or the egg.  Abusers can generally be diagnosed with some form of mental illness:  anxiety, depression, ADHD/ADD, Bipolar, OCD, other disorders or a combination of disorders.  BPD or BPD traits evolve when various forms of mental illness (or combination of mental illnesses) aren't managed successfully. 

What was the situation with your father?  Could he have had some form of mental illness?  Sometimes, mental health issues can skip a generation, but you might discover that aunts, uncles or grandparents have appeared to have mental health issues/odd behaviors (whether they had treatment/diagnosis or not).

I've sought therapy and digging into those memories is hard. I don't know how to let myself feel things. I'm anxious and overwhelmed by school - even with a mild schedule. This just takes up so much of my thought and emotional energy. And I'm not even to the point of fully acknowledging my experiences and the emotions I need to feel to move on. I'm tired of being an emotional zombie! But trying to work through this is turning into depression, and while I finally understand why, my overeating is becoming a major issue.

Perhaps you are having an issue with ruminating.  The information at the addresses below could be helpful.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0;all
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0;all

Whether rumination is an issue for you, or you need some guidance in sorting out your thoughts, perhaps you could ask your therapist about some strategies to use to tame/channel your thoughts in a manner that could be more productive for you. One possible strategy to use is to schedule time to focus on your thought's and feelings about your brother and the abuse you endured (perhaps writing in a journal, recording your thoughts, etc.).  For example:  You start with 30 minutes between 6:00 and 7:00 p.m...   The objective, then is to NOT allow yourself to think about issues during the rest of the day. When thoughts flood your head, you can make a quick note in your journal and then just defer further thought until the appointed time.  You can decide how much time to schedule.  If 30 minutes isn't enough, perhaps you start with an hour.  From there, the goal will be to reduce the scheduled time periodically.  Eventually, the daily time is reduced, then reduce to every other day, or every few days and eventually weekly time.  By learning to tame these thoughts, and channeling them to a formal means of analyzing them, it could reduce your anxiety and help set the stage for discussions during therapy sessions. Hopefully, that could lead to progress for you.

There can be differences in each or our chemical and neurological makeup.  So, your normal cam be different than for other people.  Perhaps you are dealing with two root causes: your history with your brother and perhaps a 2nd situation with a genetic predisposition to anxiety and depression.

Has your brother ever received a diagnosis for a mental health issue?  Perhaps during his school years? 

Have you and your therapist worked on self-soothing techniques? 

Just sharing some thought for consideration and perhaps further exploration with your therapist.  What do you think? 
 

[stormy seas]

I'm so sorry you went through that.  It's hard when nobody realizes what your sibling is doing to you.  My parents were amazing, but they never 'got' my sister.  They wrote it off as "that's L-----, why can't you just get along?".  As a result, I also have anxiety.  I'm a willing reader of your posts and feel free to reach out any time.  If you haven't (which I'm sure you have) googled Sibling BPD, I did read some good articles that way.  Take care

[Sevely]

What was the situation with your father?  Could he have had some form of mental illness?  Sometimes, mental health issues can skip a generation, but you might discover that aunts, uncles or grandparents have appeared to have mental health issues/odd behaviors (whether they had treatment/diagnosis or not).
Perhaps you are having an issue with ruminating.
 

Hi, No-One, thanks for your reply! Our Dad certainly had issues, having had a traumatic childhood, and that's why he wasn't around much. I know now that abandonment is partially the start of my brother's struggles.
As far as ruminating, I think your advice is pretty great. I didn't think I was dwelling on the past too much, because once I got out I was out! However, my therapist has been working on bringing up and processing memories because I don't feel or express much emotion. So since starting to work with her I've probably gotten a little ahead of myself on that front. I think giving myself a certain amount of time to think about that stuff and then letting it go will help me create balance.
I really appreciate your thoughts!

[Harri]

Hi Sevely and welcome.  So sorry for the troubles that brought you here but I am glad you found us.  This board is a great place to land!

One thing I wanted to say is that often going to therapy will make you feel worse before you feel better.  Especially if you are used to being shut down, when the emotions start, it is hard to learn to feel them and cope with them, never mind regulating them.  No-One gave you a great suggestion to help manage.  One that I use is to repeat that feeling this way (whatever it is) is totally normal and that over time I will learn.

anyway, I mostly wanted to pop in and say welcome!

[Sevely]

stormy seas and Harri, thank you for your warm welcomes.

Harri, thanks for your advice and encouragement about starting therapy & learning the ropes of emotion. That makes sense to me!

[Pina colada]

Hi Severly, I am sorry about the abuse you suffered at the hand of your brother.  My sister, whom is much older, late 60's now abused me entire childhood.  My dad wasn't home a lot as he worked, my mom ignored it and did not intervene.  It is hard when it is a sibling, they are supposed band and protect us... .we are supposed to have a special relationship with them.  The abuse I suffered from my sister has scarred me forever.  Fortunately, now I am older my life is awesome!  A lot of therapy and self realization helps.  I also am NC with her... .her choice but I am now so happy as I am at peace without her drama and craziness.  Glad you are in therapy!  Welcome to BPS!