Confused by the lies

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My BPDsis was triggered by my parents' unavailability to babysit a few days ago. I am almost certain that she knows my wedding date because, after she was triggered, she asked my parents to babysit her child on other days... .including my wedding weekend. My BPDsis kept prying them for more information about why they can't babysit on my wedding weekend until they admitted they'd be with me for my wedding. She then became unhinged - more so than she has been in about 4-5 months. She not only hurled abuse at my parents but she started harassing them and my other sister (non-stop phone calls, texts, etc). I didn't know any of this until yesterday. Yesterday, while at work, I saw that I received an e-mail from my BPDsis. Without even reading it or knowing what it was about, I had a reaction stronger than I could have ever imagined. My heart was pounding so fast and so hard that it felt like it was going to fly out of my chest. I couldn't breathe. My whole body was shaking (it is again now just typing about all of this). I felt so nauseous I could vomit. I almost fainted. No breathing technique I learned helped. This was my reaction to SEEING that there was an e-mail. Three hours later, when I was finally able to read the e-mail (I had to teach for three hours), I actually felt relieved. What I learned via books and on this board came in handy - don't take it personally! The relief was from guilt - the e-mail was so extreme that it validated my decision to not invite her to my wedding. The e-mail was written to my mom, but my sister and I were CC'd, and the whole thing was clearly directed at me. She gave examples of how my mom, dad, sister, and brother-in-law all believe that I wronged my BPDsis (about something unrelated to my wedding). I stayed calm and called everyone one-by-one to check the accuracy of my BPDsis' statements. They all said that my BPDsis lied and/or took things out of context. I trusted them... .but then today happened. Today, I don't feel as strong. Today, I am wondering if everyone is lying to me. Today, I am questioning if what my BPDsis said is true - that I ruined the family and that they all know it. It's hard to believe that 4 people are saying one thing to me and one thing to my BPDsis, especially since I hardly talk to them about my BPDsis and hate this whole "taking sides" thing. It's hard to believe that the 4 of them would lie to me when I called them yesterday. At the same time, it's equally as hard to believe that my BPDsis is completely lying - and that she'd lie about what they said in front of them. What exactly is going on here? Does she know that she is lying, or is this her reality? Any advice on how to get back to trusting my family again - to trusting that they are not lying to me about what's going on?

[jnssbc202]

My BPDsis was triggered by my parents' unavailability to babysit a few days ago. I am almost certain that she knows my wedding date because, after she was triggered, she asked my parents to babysit her child on other days... .including my wedding weekend. My BPDsis kept prying them for more information about why they can't babysit on my wedding weekend until they admitted they'd be with me for my wedding. She then became unhinged - more so than she has been in about 4-5 months. She not only hurled abuse at my parents but she started harassing them and my other sister (non-stop phone calls, texts, etc). I didn't know any of this until yesterday. Yesterday, while at work, I saw that I received an e-mail from my BPDsis. Without even reading it or knowing what it was about, I had a reaction stronger than I could have ever imagined. My heart was pounding so fast and so hard that it felt like it was going to fly out of my chest. I couldn't breathe. My whole body was shaking (it is again now just typing about all of this). I felt so nauseous I could vomit. I almost fainted. No breathing technique I learned helped. This was my reaction to SEEING that there was an e-mail. Three hours later, when I was finally able to read the e-mail (I had to teach for three hours), I actually felt relieved. What I learned via books and on this board came in handy - don't take it personally! The relief was from guilt - the e-mail was so extreme that it validated my decision to not invite her to my wedding. The e-mail was written to my mom, but my sister and I were CC'd, and the whole thing was clearly directed at me. She gave examples of how my mom, dad, sister, and brother-in-law all believe that I wronged my BPDsis (about something unrelated to my wedding). I stayed calm and called everyone one-by-one to check the accuracy of my BPDsis' statements. They all said that my BPDsis lied and/or took things out of context. I trusted them... .but then today happened. Today, I don't feel as strong. Today, I am wondering if everyone is lying to me. Today, I am questioning if what my BPDsis said is true - that I ruined the family and that they all know it. It's hard to believe that 4 people are saying one thing to me and one thing to my BPDsis, especially since I hardly talk to them about my BPDsis and hate this whole "taking sides" thing. It's hard to believe that the 4 of them would lie to me when I called them yesterday. At the same time, it's equally as hard to believe that my BPDsis is completely lying - and that she'd lie about what they said in front of them. What exactly is going on here? Does she know that she is lying, or is this her reality? Any advice on how to get back to trusting my family again - to trusting that they are not lying to me about what's going on?

[baylady]

Hey, me again, the one with the same sister.  This is classic behavior for my uBPDsis.  It really is mind-bending isn't it?  I know exactly how you felt when you saw that email as the same thing happens to me and did recently happen.  Just last week I got an email that I should have ignored but got so angry I responded.  It went about as well as you might expect.  I did finally stop responding, which really p***** her off.  She sent me one last email telling me, "You are a piece of s***." There is no rationale to irrational behavior.  Your sister is most likely is lying, or misinterpreting what they are saying.  They may be trying to placate her some too, thinking it will calm her.  It sounds like a lot of triangulation on all their parts.  That is commonplace in my family as well.  

I actually have a therapist who helps me tremendously with setting boundaries, thinking before responding, etc.  Not that it worked for me last week.  I'm human after all.  She did help me through the latest episode and helped me set some boundaries with my parents who are enmeshed and enablers of my sis.  I was, for once, able to remain calm and state my decision of NC.  I also wrote down what I wanted to say, like a script, before I called so I could stay on point.  That seemed to help a lot.  I would probably recommend not sharing too much with your other family members as this point, especially leading up to the wedding.  The less they know, the less likely they can say things to her that will trigger her, even unintentionally.  Try to focus on the wedding and your future.  Easier said than done I know.

Again, I am sorry this drama is surrounding what is such a happy time in your life.  

[Woolspinner2000]

Hey jnssbc202!

What a tense few days you've had!   So sorry, but glad you are here to share and talk with us. Sounds like you had a major trigger reaction to your sister's email. It's hard to settle after the physical response our bodies have to all the fear. I'm glad you waited before you read the email. Have you considered letting your fiance screen them first for you?

When dealing with a pwBPD, it is helpful to look at the facts, especially when your feelings spiral out of control. Have someone help you with this if you need to. You've probably had a hard time learning to trust anyone because of what you've learned from your sister. All of us with a pwBPD have similar struggles, and trust is up at the top of the list. So see if you can step back and look at the facts. What can you list for me to know fact wise? Here is a question to get you started.

1. In the past, have your parents been truthful with you or has your sister been truthful? Which one has been more consistent and believable?

 
Wools

[Living Life]

"She gave examples of how my mom, dad, sister, and brother-in-law all believe that I wronged my BPDsis ... .I stayed calm and called everyone one-by-one to check the accuracy of my BPDsis' statements. They all said that my BPDsis lied and/or took things out of context."

I had this same situation with my 72 year old brother after our nPBD mother died. I had never heard of BPD until after the events escalated and disintegrated into horrific name calling by him. He accused me of some pretty horrible things I supposedly said or did to several of his adult children or spouses that he said he had proof of. He capped it off with, if I didn't believe it, I could call them and they would verify the allegation. I have a good, genuine relationship with each of them, so called, and with each ended up in tears. Each was shocked at what he said that they had said, totally denied it, and were supportive and sympathetic. This was behavior they had never seen from him. When I contacted him with what I had found, he replied with more of the horrific name calling, and continued as I tried to respond in an adult fashion by ignoring the tone and addressing the facts.

He had turned into my nBPD mother, who had finally passed away about 4 months before. Much of this was behavior I would expect from a 10 year old bully, not a responsible 72 year old man. I came to the conclusion that I had a lifetime of taking this sh*t from her, but would not take it from him. After much soul searching, I concluded that I thought more of myself than he did and would not allow him to bully me, verbally abuse me, accuse me of things I didn't do, and change our recent history dealing with our mother's death and estate to support his point of view. I have been painted black much of my life by my mother. He has had it also, but was usually the golden child. I ended up sending him a letter that I had little hope or desire for a future relationship with him. He responded with another nasty email. We have been NC ever since.

And then I found this board and the BPD diagnosis. It explained my mother's crazy rants and nastiness. It has helped tremendously to see others going through the same experiences I have with the same craziness. I have learned a lot, and would have handled things a bit differently. But I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. It has taken quite a while for the anxiety and grief over the loss of the relationship, my only sibling, to lift. I am now at peace with my decisions. I am a good person; have long time friends, employees, and husband, so know the situation was not all of my doing.

There is a lot of wisdom on this board; I appreciate reading of others experiences and solutions. You have to do what you think is best for you. You deserve a peaceful life.

[jnssbc202]

Hey, me again, the one with the same sister.  This is classic behavior for my uBPDsis.  It really is mind-bending isn't it?  I know exactly how you felt when you saw that email as the same thing happens to me and did recently happen.  Just last week I got an email that I should have ignored but got so angry I responded.  It went about as well as you might expect.  I did finally stop responding, which really p***** her off.  She sent me one last email telling me, "You are a piece of s***." There is no rationale to irrational behavior.  Your sister is most likely is lying, or misinterpreting what they are saying.  They may be trying to placate her some too, thinking it will calm her.  It sounds like a lot of triangulation on all their parts.  That is commonplace in my family as well.  

I actually have a therapist who helps me tremendously with setting boundaries, thinking before responding, etc.  Not that it worked for me last week.  I'm human after all.

It is SOO mind boggling. I admit that knowing that this is classic BPD behavior and hearing that you had a similar response makes me feel better. I have a great therapist, too, who has helped me with the same. Thank you for sharing what happened when you responded to your sister - I did not respond and it's taking a lot out of me. I drafted a couple of messages to her, but I never sent them. I think you're right - it's lying, misinterpretation, and them maybe trying to placate her.

Hey jnssbc202!

What a tense few days you've had!   So sorry, but glad you are here to share and talk with us. Sounds like you had a major trigger reaction to your sister's email. It's hard to settle after the physical response our bodies have to all the fear. I'm glad you waited before you read the email. Have you considered letting your fiance screen them first for you?

When dealing with a pwBPD, it is helpful to look at the facts, especially when your feelings spiral out of control. Have someone help you with this if you need to. You've probably had a hard time learning to trust anyone because of what you've learned from your sister. All of us with a pwBPD have similar struggles, and trust is up at the top of the list. So see if you can step back and look at the facts. What can you list for me to know fact wise? Here is a question to get you started.

1. In the past, have your parents been truthful with you or has your sister been truthful? Which one has been more consistent and believable?

 
Wools

I'm glad I am here, too. It has been so tense! It didn't end there. More drama since then. I'm wiped out! Yes, definitely a trigger/trauma response.  It was really hard to settle after that. I was at work when I got the email so my fiance wasn't around and I didn't have enough self control to wait all day. Sometimes he's OK with screening it. Other times he is not. This is painful for him, too.

I've been chewing on your question for a bit and it's hard for me to answer that. This is new(ish) for my BPDsis - at least to my knowledge, I don't think my parents have lied to me. I've been able to more or less step back and currently believe that it's more believable that my BPDsis is lying/skewing the truth. Thank you for the question. It helped me process.

I had this same situation with my 72 year old brother after our nPBD mother died. I had never heard of BPD until after the events escalated and disintegrated into horrific name calling by him. He accused me of some pretty horrible things I supposedly said or did to several of his adult children or spouses that he said he had proof of. He capped it off with, if I didn't believe it, I could call them and they would verify the allegation. I have a good, genuine relationship with each of them, so called, and with each ended up in tears. Each was shocked at what he said that they had said, totally denied it, and were supportive and sympathetic. This was behavior they had never seen from him. When I contacted him with what I had found, he replied with more of the horrific name calling, and continued as I tried to respond in an adult fashion by ignoring the tone and addressing the facts.

He had turned into my nBPD mother, who had finally passed away about 4 months before. Much of this was behavior I would expect from a 10 year old bully, not a responsible 72 year old man. I came to the conclusion that I had a lifetime of taking this sh*t from her, but would not take it from him. After much soul searching, I concluded that I thought more of myself than he did and would not allow him to bully me, verbally abuse me, accuse me of things I didn't do, and change our recent history dealing with our mother's death and estate to support his point of view. I have been painted black much of my life by my mother. He has had it also, but was usually the golden child. I ended up sending him a letter that I had little hope or desire for a future relationship with him. He responded with another nasty email. We have been NC ever since.

And then I found this board and the BPD diagnosis. It explained my mother's crazy rants and nastiness. It has helped tremendously to see others going through the same experiences I have with the same craziness. I have learned a lot, and would have handled things a bit differently. But I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. It has taken quite a while for the anxiety and grief over the loss of the relationship, my only sibling, to lift. I am now at peace with my decisions. I am a good person; have long time friends, employees, and husband, so know the situation was not all of my doing.

There is a lot of wisdom on this board; I appreciate reading of others experiences and solutions. You have to do what you think is best for you. You deserve a peaceful life.

Wow. The more I hear similar stories, the more "normal" I feel. I sincerely hope I will be at peace with my decisions soon. I keep reminding myself that I am doing my very best. People will look at me like the evil sister who didn't invite her sister to her wedding, but I need to remember that it is not evil to protect myself from an abusive bully - sister or not, this is not OK.

[Living Life]

I only have one sibling; we are in our early 70's. How sad we have come to this state of no contact with another. However, some of the family understood the dynamic before it finally totally blew up. I got a call from my brother's oldest grandson towards the end, he said, 'you realize I am talking to you and not my grandfather?' I had to laugh. On orders from my brother, all the drama was to be kept secret, but the grandson had it all figured out. Secrets are corrosive, and they don't stay secret. Which all this didn't. I can't stand the drama, the resulting anxiety and angst. Although it was one of the most difficult things I have had to do, saying enough, and going NC was one of the best things I have done. He cannot have the power over me, to even think he can bully and verbally abuse me. I am better than that. I am sure, that in his world, he is absolutely correct with what he did, and I am totally at fault and caused the whole thing. I know, in dealing with my now deceased nBPD mother, there is no common ground; it is all her way.

I can't do the crazy anymore. I have declared myself free. I only surround myself with loving adults that I can have a conversation with and work out any issues in a mutually agreeable manner.