Lost my mother to suicide - may be confronting

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

I have read these forums for some time but only posted for the first time very recently (in response to StephDawn's post entitled "I'm an adult child of a mother with BPD traits". I think I took that step because there had been a real escalation in problems with my 70 year old mother since my father's death 10 months ago. I did my best to help her as much as I could, but I work full time (with a commute of over an hour each way) and have three children, so although I was in contact with her most days, I often only saw her on the weekends. I would always be extremely anxious about getting in touch with her because I never knew what mood she would be in. She was angry with me increasingly frequently and I was becoming more and more stressed and feeling quite desperate about whether I could continue to cope with the cycle of anger and then silence and then relative okayness and then ... .rinse and repeat.

Anyway, my worst fears have now come true and she took her own life on Sunday night just gone. I had arranged to go and see her to give her a hand on Saturday morning after an appointment I had scheduled. I messaged before the appointment and called her after the appointment, but she did not answer or respond. I went home (as she often stayed in bed and I assumed she must have been asleep). In the afternoon she called me - absolutely furious about the fact I had promised to help, but hadn't. I tried to explain I had tried to contact her but to no avail. She was convinced I was not prepared to help her and trying to prove otherwise was completely pointless. I then went to her house (she lives in the next suburb) and she was absolutely seething with anger. I tried to placate her but again, to no avail. She ran through a list of grievances she had against me and accused me of being "all talk" and never having lifted a finger to help her. The truth is I have tried so desperately over such a long time to keep or make her happy and have prioritised her over myself and my family time and time again.

She eventually told me to leave (in less polite terms), and I did. I didn't retaliate in anyway but I just left. I feel like I would have ordinarily tried to placate her but unfortunately (I will regret this forever) I had my 14 year old daughter with me and knew I had to leave at least for her sake. My mum normally managed to reign her rage in if the grandchildren were present but this time was different.

In the afternoon she called. She said she couldn't believe I'd claimed she was being unfair (I'd said that when I tried to explain I had been in touch) - how could I say that when her whole life was unfair? She said she'd had a terrible life and I'd had a great life. She asked me to send through the name of some organisers I'd mentioned in the past. I said ok and then she hung up. I then sent through the details without any further comment (another regret, I wish I'd sent the details but said of course I would help or something).

I then resolved not to get in touch with her for a day or two. In the past I would always try to get back in the good books but, after lots of reading and some counselling, I had decided that for the first time I would just try to enjoy my weekend without feeling guilty and without trying to make her happy again. I was really patting myself on the back for handling things differently this time.

Anyway, I got a phone call on Monday night from the police about her car being found down at the beach. There was then an extended nightmare that lasted a few hours until I eventually was told that she had been found deceased. She took her own life in the most dreadful way, I can't even bear to write about it. This aspect of the whole nightmare is haunting me. Thinking of her last moments is just unbearable.

Needless to say I am completely shell shocked, devastated and filled (like never before) with guilt and remorse. She left a note that my husband found and he said she clearly wrote it when she was still angry. I have decided not to read that note as the few things my husband has told me about it has made it clear that I would only suffer more if I did so.

I know, intellectually, that I am not to blame. She was a very unwell woman. Still, I have spent a lifetime feeling responsible for her happiness and it is difficult not to feel responsible for her death, especially when it seems that is what she wanted me to feel.

I hope this post hasn't upset anyone. It is an awful topic to talk about I know and I'm not sure why I've felt the need to get the story out in a blow by blow account. I am hoping that the kind people on this forum may have some words of advice for me or even that someone may have experienced the same terrible thing and got through it somehow.

Take care everyone, it is such a tough gig to love someone with this dreadful illness. I know it is a cliche but the only comfort I can draw from this whole experience is that my mum, after a lifetime of suffering, is finally at peace. I suppose that in time I will be able to put my regret and guilt in its proper place and perhaps experience some peace myself.

xxx

[OceanRow]

Hi all,

I have read these forums for some time but only posted for the first time very recently (in response to StephDawn's post entitled "I'm an adult child of a mother with BPD traits". I think I took that step because there had been a real escalation in problems with my 70 year old mother since my father's death 10 months ago. I did my best to help her as much as I could, but I work full time (with a commute of over an hour each way) and have three children, so although I was in contact with her most days, I often only saw her on the weekends. I would always be extremely anxious about getting in touch with her because I never knew what mood she would be in. She was angry with me increasingly frequently and I was becoming more and more stressed and feeling quite desperate about whether I could continue to cope with the cycle of anger and then silence and then relative okayness and then ... .rinse and repeat.

Anyway, my worst fears have now come true and she took her own life on Sunday night just gone. I had arranged to go and see her to give her a hand on Saturday morning after an appointment I had scheduled. I messaged before the appointment and called her after the appointment, but she did not answer or respond. I went home (as she often stayed in bed and I assumed she must have been asleep). In the afternoon she called me - absolutely furious about the fact I had promised to help, but hadn't. I tried to explain I had tried to contact her but to no avail. She was convinced I was not prepared to help her and trying to prove otherwise was completely pointless. I then went to her house (she lives in the next suburb) and she was absolutely seething with anger. I tried to placate her but again, to no avail. She ran through a list of grievances she had against me and accused me of being "all talk" and never having lifted a finger to help her. The truth is I have tried so desperately over such a long time to keep or make her happy and have prioritised her over myself and my family time and time again.

She eventually told me to leave (in less polite terms), and I did. I didn't retaliate in anyway but I just left. I feel like I would have ordinarily tried to placate her but unfortunately (I will regret this forever) I had my 14 year old daughter with me and knew I had to leave at least for her sake. My mum normally managed to reign her rage in if the grandchildren were present but this time was different.

In the afternoon she called. She said she couldn't believe I'd claimed she was being unfair (I'd said that when I tried to explain I had been in touch) - how could I say that when her whole life was unfair? She said she'd had a terrible life and I'd had a great life. She asked me to send through the name of some organisers I'd mentioned in the past. I said ok and then she hung up. I then sent through the details without any further comment (another regret, I wish I'd sent the details but said of course I would help or something).

I then resolved not to get in touch with her for a day or two. In the past I would always try to get back in the good books but, after lots of reading and some counselling, I had decided that for the first time I would just try to enjoy my weekend without feeling guilty and without trying to make her happy again. I was really patting myself on the back for handling things differently this time.

Anyway, I got a phone call on Monday night from the police about her car being found down at the beach. There was then an extended nightmare that lasted a few hours until I eventually was told that she had been found deceased. She took her own life in the most dreadful way, I can't even bear to write about it. This aspect of the whole nightmare is haunting me. Thinking of her last moments is just unbearable.

Needless to say I am completely shell shocked, devastated and filled (like never before) with guilt and remorse. She left a note that my husband found and he said she clearly wrote it when she was still angry. I have decided not to read that note as the few things my husband has told me about it has made it clear that I would only suffer more if I did so.

I know, intellectually, that I am not to blame. She was a very unwell woman. Still, I have spent a lifetime feeling responsible for her happiness and it is difficult not to feel responsible for her death, especially when it seems that is what she wanted me to feel.

I hope this post hasn't upset anyone. It is an awful topic to talk about I know and I'm not sure why I've felt the need to get the story out in a blow by blow account. I am hoping that the kind people on this forum may have some words of advice for me or even that someone may have experienced the same terrible thing and got through it somehow.

Take care everyone, it is such a tough gig to love someone with this dreadful illness. I know it is a cliche but the only comfort I can draw from this whole experience is that my mum, after a lifetime of suffering, is finally at peace. I suppose that in time I will be able to put my regret and guilt in its proper place and perhaps experience some peace myself.

xxx

[CollectedChaos]

Hi OceanRow,

I am so, so sorry for your loss.  I can't imagine the pain and grief you are currently feeling.

Even though I know right now it's hard to do, try to keep in mind that your mom was her own person who made her own decisions, even in her death.  Blaming yourself is not productive and will not allow you to properly grieve for the loss and move forward.  We were programmed as kids to always be responsible for our disordered parents behaviors/emotions/actions, and this isn't how it really works in reality.  I think you did a good thing by choosing to leave a tense situation where your mom was especially upset, especially with your daughter with you.  I think, with time, you'll see that you have nothing to regret in your actions and the guilt over what you "should have" done will ease.  Time brings clarity to situations like these.

Hang in there 

[heartandwhole]

OceanRow,

Please accept my heartfelt condolences for the loss of your mother. I am so very sorry for the pain you have, and are, enduring.

Please know that this is a safe and welcoming place to process this. We’re here for you.

heartandwhole

[Notwendy]

Your post did not upset me. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. You made the best decision for your child.

I have been in a similar bind, not with suicide but a parent passing away angry. I used to have few boundaries with my BPD mother. I was compliant with her in order for my father to not be angry at me. He would get angry at me if I "upset Mother". I was very attached to my father and wanted his approval. I would have done almost anything for him, but I could not turn my children over to my BPD mother's wishes.

Once my children got older, my mother's poor boundaries extended to them. She began to recruit them as emotional caretakers for her. I felt I had to have a boundary on this, for their sake. Later on as the dysfunction increased in the family as my father's health declined, the situation began to take an emotional toll on me.

I felt I was in a position to choose- my sanity, my children's welfare, or pleasing my parents. I didn't see how I could do both. My father got angry at me. Like you, I tried to change this. I called him almost every day ( my mother listened in ).  To visit, I had to arrange child care, and when I got there, my mother would be verbally abusive to me and my father would be angry. I had to limit the visits.

My father chose to remain angry at me.

Since he passed, my mother has said some mean things to me. " you didn't do enough" well what was enough? Leave my children for long periods of time? Allow her to verbally abuse me? Would that have been enough?

I had to accept that I did the best I could. Like you, I also have regrets- there are things I could have done better if I had better skills, but I did the best I could with what I knew and that was all I knew to do at the time. You did too. I also don't regret that I put my own sanity and my children't welfare first. I also believe my father did the best he could in his situation- he had to live with my mother 24/7 and if she was upset, it upset him.

Forgiveness goes both ways. Start with forgiving yourself.    Wishing you peace.

[Harri]

Hi OceanRow.  I am so sorry that your mother chose to end her life.  I can't help but think of the emotional pain she must have been feeling to choose such a path and that fills me with sadness for you and your family.

I did not lose my mother to suicide but she did die while we were still estranged.  By that time though, she had been trying to reconcile with me and I refused to go back to the way things had been.  I think things turned around for her (in terms of not allowing her hate and anger to keep a wedge between the two of us) after she was told her cancer was terminal that time around.  Not that I knew as she chose not to share that information with us (me, my father and brother).  She died with the two of us being civil but distant and cold because of my choices and my boundaries.  I can't be 100% sure but I do believe she still saw me as the selfish b*tch she thought I was for most of my life.  She also died with my relationship in tatters with my brother due to her lies and distortions about me.  I felt and sometimes still do feel guilty and such grief at the way things turned out for us.  

I tell you all of that because while I mostly chose not to interact with her and when I did it was with very strict and hard boundaries, the choice was hers.  Her behaviors were what drove my choices and set the limits on our relationship when I was a kid and that carried on into my adulthood.

Please remember to look at your decisions in the context in which they occurred.  While we are 100% responsible for our choices, context is vital to understanding and healing.

Praying for peace for you and yours.

[psyche]

I'm so sorry to hear that... .It must be really hard and yes you are right that even if you intellectually know you are not wrong, emotions can be very hard to deal with.

I don't know what to say other than your mother made her choice because of her own issues. People makes their own choices and sometimes no matter what we do they are responsible for their own actions. She was troubled by them and chose such ending.

Maybe this is a time not to try to rationalize what happened but try to relax and take care of yourself and how you feel. Get all the support you need and allow yourself to grieve.

[Kwamina]

Hi OceanRow

I too am very sorry for your loss. Losing a close family-member is often already difficult enough and these tragic circumstances surrounding your mother's death, likely make it even harder.

I am glad you decided to post just a few weeks ago. It is a very sad what happened, yet I think the people on this board can offer you some warm support as you try and process all of this.

Even when we know on a rational level that something isn't our fault, when something as extreme as this happens, I think it's only natural to think about what we might have done differently. The sad reality is though that BPD is quite a serious disorder and as a result of her distorted thinking and perception, your mother unfortunately exhibited some very problematic behaviors, ultimately resulting in this tragic outcome.

You have already received some great responses here.

We also have some resources on this site that can help you in your grieving process:

Recovering from Suicide Loss

Grieving our Losses

Take care and know that we are here for you during this very difficult time  

The Board Parrot

[No-One]

OceanRow:
I'm so sorry about the loss of both your parents.  That's a lot to deal with, a lot of grief to process, in less than a year's time.

You were a good daughter and have nothing to feel guilty about.  Your mom was sick, and there was nothing you could have done to fix that.  Unfortunately, it's common to think we have more responsibility if a loved one's death is associated with a mental illness.  If she died from cancer, you wouldn't likely feel guilty about NOT being able to fix it.  So, one way to think about it is that you had no more power to prevent your mother's death by suicide, than you would have had if she died from cancer.

Grieving is a process.  :)on't hesitate to reach out for help.  You have a wonderful husband, children and job.  :)on't feel guilty about that.  Feel proud.

Take care. People are here to offer support, when you are ready to post again.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi OceanRow,

I join the others here in sharing your grief and saying how very sorry I am to hear of your loss.   I am thankful that you have come and shared your story with us. Such things help to relase the pressure you are feeling, at least a tiny bit. My mom often threatened to commit suicide, and even though my dad said she tried, I was too young to remember it. I can only begin to imagine what you are feeling.

... .it is such a tough gig to love someone with this dreadful illness. I know it is a cliche but the only comfort I can draw from this whole experience is that my mum, after a lifetime of suffering, is finally at peace. I suppose that in time I will be able to put my regret and guilt in its proper place and perhaps experience some peace myself. 

I can totally relate to what you said. I recall telling my sister that the only time our uBPDm would have peace is when she passed away. My sister told me after mom died a few years ago that my comment comforted her. Tis a horrible and awful thing for you to go through. Please stay in touch with us. We are all glad to support you through this and any part of the journey you are on. What can we do to further help you?

I don't mean to be cliche at all when I say please be as kind to yourself as you can these days. You've gone through quite a shock.

 
Wools

[Turkish]

I am so sorry OceanRow... .

It's hard enough for you to deal with that,  but you made the right decision shielding your 14 year old daughter from that,  your daughter being your primary family you needed to protect.  What have you told her at this point?

T

[OceanRow]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond to my email. I was feeling quite desperate when I posted but I have carefully read and reread your responses and they really have helped me a lot. It is amazing how much comfort the kindness of strangers can bring. Thank you again, I may post more in the future once I have some time.

[toomanydogs]

Hi OceanRow,
  I echo the sentiments of all the other posts here. I am so sorry you lost your mother to suicide. What a dreadful loss.
  Some observations: In my opinion, suicide was her choice, and chances are good she'd have made that choice regardless of your actions. Suicide, for me, is generally an angry, lashing-out action, intended to make those left behind thinking there must have been something they could have done that would have prevented the suicide. I don't think that's true.
  I've lost three people to suicide, and in each case there was nothing that could have been done. One was a young man, who was on suicide watch; family gathered around to ensure he was never alone; however, he lied about who was to be with him, and he managed to kill himself. The other two chose to kill themselves after first disappearing from family and friends.
  My opinion is that when a person is so intent on killing him or herself, no matter what their friends and family do, there's no preventing the action.
  Again, I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you.   
TMD

[madeline7]

OceanRow,

Sending you hugs. The first thing I though of as I read your post was that you did the right thing in looking out for the best interests of your daughter. I am often amazed by how many of us on this board are such caring Moms even though we haven't had the best (understatement here) role models. The ongoing chronic trauma of the rages and silences (rinse and repeat) has been replaced with acute and devastating loss. Please take whatever time is needed and then some to go through the grieving process and practice lots of self care.