Mother with BPD and social media

[etown]

Hello,

This is my first post on this board. I first joined about 10 years ago after learning of my mother's diagnosis, but I realized I had to put it all aside until I was in a more stable place in my own life.

About a year ago, I cut way down on communication with my Mom who lives in another city because of her behaviour on social media. She would often post on Facebook about her struggles during my childhood and she would tag me in the posts, though I asked her again and again not to because it was triggering every time. She would also do things like take my profile photo and share it on her facebook page so her friends (most of whom I don't know) could comment on how much I looked like her. I can't even fully explain why that bothered me, but it did. It was like I was 12 years old again sitting beside her on a city bus, listening to her talk loudly to the bus driver about the most intimate details of my life as though I wasn't even there.

With the help of my therapist, I tried to do it with kindness, but of course she got angry and forbid me from ever writing about her again. This is difficult, because I'm a writer. I feel compelled to write about my childhood, but every time I start, I feel incredibly guilty. All of my memories are dominated by her feelings, her trauma, her need, her anger, her fear, her her her. Even writing this, I feel a distinct, irrational fear that she'll find this post and do harm to herself because of it. She has a long and fairly gruesome history of self-harm.

Anyway, I guess I'd like to know if anyone else has struggled with their BPD parent's use of social media and if anyone feels a similar block in owning and sharing their own stories about their childhood. And if anyone has found any good coping strategies to work through it.

Thank you.

[phantomglitter]

Welcome!

I'm fortunate in that my mom is not really into the social media scene. However, I can really relate to your experience, as could my younger sister. She's using your face and your experiences as means of entertainment and valorization. My mom does the same thing; she'll tell incredibly personal and often humiliating stories to others, whether they are friends, family or strangers, as though we aren't even there. When I'd ask her to stop she'd tell me I'm overreacting and that I shouldn't be so sensitive. If I got upset she would say I was ruining things for everyone. It makes you feel so tiny and insignificant and worthless. You become an object that she uses to make herself feel better. I bear a very strong resemblance to my mom, and she often loves hearing people say we look alike. In a way, I'm glad, because my mother is a beautiful woman, but it also feels like it's robbing me of my individuality. It means I'm just another part of her, and I hate that.

I can definitely understand that "irrational fear" too. Despite living 6 hours away, I often feared that she would get upset and harm someone (me, herself, my sibling) if I didn't wear something she had gotten me. Know that you are free to write here, we will support you. If you want to write elsewhere, it is your choice. It is not your job to feel bad for her about the way she chose to treat you. Think of it this way, if she had treated someone else the way she treated you, would you want that person to protect the one who hurt them? It sucks that the consequence is that she'll harm herself, but that is not your responsibility. She is destroying your sense of self just to feel the tiniest bit better about herself. You don't deserve that. From today on you have a choice, even if you may not always be aware of it. You can choose which clothes you want to wear. You can choose who to have on social media. You can choose where you would like to spend your time and energy. You can choose to write about your experience. These are your rights, and you are no less deserving of them than anyone else. I'm not saying to say goodbye to her forever, but giving yourself a little space so you can grow into your best and happiest self is not selfish, it's essential. That's where I'm at right now. Being her punching bag isn't helping anyone, so I'm trying to build myself up so that I can set and maintain boundaries in the future. I'm not strong enough to have a relationship right now, but I will be.

For a really long time I've been feeling ashamed of who I am, ashamed of my childhood, feeling guilty even when I don't do anything wrong. I felt I was wrong, evil, destructive, ugly, stupid, unaccomplished, unworthy, unlovable, and alone. My story may not be perfect, but it's mine. I still struggle with my mom's lingering voice in my head, telling me how terrible I am, but I'm fighting back. Make a list of your values, your qualities, your accomplishments. If you're having a hard time, ask someone you trust. Find things that you are PROUD of that you've done, or perhaps things you would like to achieve some day or things you really like doing. Think of the people you feel your best around. Spend time with/on the people and things that make you feel good. You are worthy of happiness, you are worthy of love, and as soon as you believe it and make your life about YOU, you will be unstoppable.

Lots of love! 

[SI4444]

I feel for you! My sis in law seems to post a completely different life online! It's almost like she doesn't realize that we all know the real her!
Stay strong and block if you have to or make everything private!

[Spring Iris]

Hi etown

Keep writing! Write it all down- it is an act of courage because you are telling the truth as you see it- it's yours, and it belongs to you. You're the author of the story. I would read it!

I can so relate to your mother telling your most intimate details to strangers. And then being told that I was too sensitive and over reacting to everything. I have a lot of memories of being humiliated in public, at gatherings, in front of friends etc... .I feel for you, social media use by her would turn that into a nightmare! 

Can you block her from tagging you and make your account private? Maybe even create a new profile and disable the old one?

[etown]

Thank you for your replies! It's really nice to see that there are people out there who have gone through similar things.

I actually unfriended her a while back, which was what prompted her anger. For weeks after, she would post about me relentlessly. She claimed I wasn't speaking to her, but I had been very clear that we could still communicate by phone or text or email, anything that wasn't public. I'd go to her page (I'm weak) and see my aunts and her friends piling on about how ungrateful I was. But never once did she call or text or email. In the end, I had to block her for my own sanity. Now I have no idea how much she knows about my life. When we spoke on the phone over Christmas, she was her normal overly cheery self, recounting the plot of the last movie she'd watched and complaining about my brother who has his own serious mental health challenges as if nothing had happened.

I still feel guilty about it, but that's a thing I'm working on. I'm also frustrated because that was the first real fight we've had in a decade, but also the first time I've spoken to her with anything approaching honesty. It felt like an opportunity to change things, but everything just goes on as it ever did. I guess that's something I have to accept.

[Turkish]

Unfriending her was you asserting a boundary. It sounds like you can still have a relationship with her in real life though,  so I'd say "goodbye" to the FB "relationship."  I did the same to my ex,  blocked her,  but we co-parent ok. I'm not willing to delve into the Facebook often passive-aggressive drama.