Childfree but maybe not

[fakeirl]

We've been married a little over a decade. We never wanted kids and were both happy with that decision. Recently my SO with BPD, who has had amazing therapy that is still ongoing, has been having second thoughts about babies and really wants to have a kid now. She's researched the previous reasons (finances, work-life, etc.) why she didn't want kids and those reasons aren't true in our life today. After holding this in for months she came to me with this recently. I don't want kids - my view hasn't changed but it is fluid. I'm doing my best to evaluate my position but it's still the case that I'm happy childfree.

She told me tonight that if we didn't have a baby that she should just leave (divorce, suicide, disappear, ... .something). I feel like I'm being pressured to make a decision about a baby. I worry that a 'no' from me will lead to lifelong resentment. However, I don't want to bring a life into the world that I'm not 100% committed to and I certainly don't want to make such a large decision under what I feel is duress. There's obviously more to the situation, but that's the big part that I need some perspective on.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[GaGrl]

What is the overall state and health of your marriage?

Has the therapy for your wife been DBT based? Is she stable?

[fakeirl]

She's been in DBT process group for about ~2-3 months and DBT in general for a little over a year. That's been awesome. Our relationship has been really good and I've been getting my own therapy for almost a year now. The child discussion is the first big thing that we haven't been able to talk through in several months. She gets mad/angry/upset/sad and then tries to make me feel how she feels by trying to push and push until a breaking point.

[pearlsw]

Hi fakeirl,

What is her age? The "I want a kid" hormones can get really strong when you feel "time is running out". Those hormones can be a real surprise, especially if she was not that into it earlier. I know I had a last minute burst with that, out of the blue, but with time I've let it go... .It took a few years though to give it up finally.

with compassion, pearl.

[fakeirl]

Hi Pearl,

I know the baby fever is a fact of life. She’s 34 and I’m 35. I’ve never wanted kids but I’m willing to look at my reasons why to critically evaluate the situation. I’m definitely having a hard time coping with her sadness and anger.

[pearlsw]

Hi fakeirl,

Want to talk it out a bit? What are some reasons to have kids and some reasons not to for you presently?

Is this a dealbreaker for each of you in terms of being together?

warmly, pearl.

[fakeirl]

Hi Pearl,

I'd love to talk about this. I'm processing things and trying to figure out what I want to do. I don't see this as a dealbreaker in our relationship because we've been married for a little over a decade and we started off not wanting kids together. We were happily childfree. I worry that my wife may consider a dealbreaker at this point. When we're discussing it and it doesn't go the direction she wants, she goes to the "I want a divorce" line. I don't think this is what she actually wants, nor do I. She wants to create a life with me. What bothers me about trying to make the decision is that I feel like I'm making it under duress. I'm hearing "I want a baby and if you don't, I'm going to leave you." We've been able to work through everything else in our relationship and I don't want to accept hat this is the end if I don't make the decision she wants. She's told me that the emotions she's experiencing are sadness, anger, and grief. These are all valid emotions and I've done what I can to validate her experience. If I ultimately decide I still don't want kids, I worry about resentment. She doesn't see any purpose to her life and wants to share it with a new life.

Like I said, I'm willing to look at my reasons but I want to be fully committed to bringing a life into the world.

Reasons for having a kid

• Our life circumstances allow for my wife to stay at home and work which would negate the need for much childcare.
• I've always thought that kids were too crazy expensive but after looking into it more I found that I can make it work. According to the USDA, a child costs aprox. $16k per year. This includes housing and other things that I already pay for, so the cost is really less than that. We're in a position where this can work if we want it to.
• Being able to travel and show the wonder of the world to a child.

Reasons for not having a kid

• I like my life. I like being childfree and being able to have the freedom to travel and see the world on my own terms.
• Time. I'm selfish, I'll be honest. I'm not sure that I want to give up my free time and the time investment that it takes to raise I child. I know that if I have a kid I will want to bee 100% supportive and that means giving up my time for a child.
• I worry that having a BPD parent is going to cause problems for a child. I grew up with a mother that has some kind of undiagnosed mental health issue. Based on observation I suspect that it may be, at least, bi-polar. I worry that having a BPD mother and a father with some family history of mental illness, that I'm going to bring a life into this world that is going to have to suffer like I did or like my wife has.
• I just don't want kids - I don't know that I ever have. I'm okay living my life without "someone to take care of me when I get old."

Thanks,

FakeIRL