I don't know if I can handle this long-term (long, mostly venting)

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all,

I have quite a long and complex story to tell, mostly to get it out of my system and make some sense of this.

I am currently in an open relationship with a guy who has BPD. I've known him for two years, during which he had one major suicide attempt and began making serious plans for another after his girlfriend of about a decade left him. At one point during that time I called an ambulance on him, which led to him cutting me out of his life, blocking me on everything, etc.

Before he did this, I had noticed the following trends for when he's in one of his episodes (which I now realise includes black-and-white thinking/splitting):

a) he sees himself as evil and terrible and manipulative and will do anything to convince the people around him of that, getting nastier and nastier;
b) he struggles with self-harm and self-destructive urges;
c) he drinks a lot;
d) he isolates himself as punishment.

A few months later - around June last year, I think - he got back in touch, apologised, and asked if we could be friends again. I said of course, but it would take me some time to see how sincere he was. We arranged to meet up, and then he asked if I was interested in being more than friends.

I had had a crush on him since the moment I saw him, which is very unusual for me, but I knew he could be very unstable. So I said I was incredibly attracted to him and that I was interested, but we should stay friends and I'd tell him in a few months when I had a better idea of whether it could work.

Long story short we started dating a few months later but I insisted that we shouldn't be monogamous because:

a) we both knew he had displayed abusive behaviours and I wanted to avoid being trapped in a relationship like that, because my own relationship history is pretty bad and I didn't want us to become entirely codependent;
b) I was (and am still) trying to figure out if I ever want to be monogamous with anyone ever again;
c) I have a lot of my own stuff to work on regarding relationships, including insecurity, anxieties, mothering instincts, assertiveness, etc. and it's probably not healthy for me to go back into an exclusive relationship without sorting those things out.

So off we went and it was wonderful. He stayed on his meds and went back into therapy, so I was pretty hopeful. I am still pretty hopeful about his chances of recovery, to be honest; I have read a lot about relationships with people with BPD, and in some ways he is not at all as severe as others. Most of the time he acknowledges that he has a problem, he knows what he does, he doesn't blame anyone else, he doesn't smother me or get jealous, he doesn't cheat, he does his best to make me happy, he is willing to work on our relationship and listen to me when I tell him what I need. In general, he can be very self-aware of these things.

Everything was great (other than some self-loathing episodes and a break-up that I didn't take seriously) until he invited one of his other partners to move in with him without telling me. He didn't do this to hurt me or anything, but I think it may have been part of his idealisation phase with her. Also she was in a really horrible living situation at the time.

We've been working through it, anyway; I've met her and we get on very well and objectively I'm glad that he has someone around for when he has an episode. My insecurities about her living with him are mostly separate from the issues with his BPD, though from my reading I have some concerns that he might continue to idealise her and begin devaluing me, leading to a permanent break-up. There are some small signs of this already, I think; he's been forgetting to text me and barely interacts with me on social media (though that might be because he thinks I don't want him to. I'll ask.). In person he's fine though.

ANYWAY the reason that I'm posting is that this last week has been absolute hell. As far as I can tell, there were four triggers: I gave him the keys to my flat (which is a relationship milestone and may have scared him), she left the country for a few days for work (leaving him alone in the house), he had a therapy session that was very confronting (he doesn't think he has low self-esteem, but the therapist said he did and he did not like that), and lastly his ex got back in touch (reminding him of prior abandonment).

I think what happened next was he split on me. We texted a lot on the Friday about therapy but I realise now that I was probably invalidating him (he was like 'I don't deserve love' and I was like 'yes you do' rather than 'I understand that you feel that way' etc.). In my defence, I didn't realise how important validation was until I started reading around trying to find answers over the last couple of days.

He then stopped talking to me almost entirely. On the Saturday I asked him if he wanted me to leave him alone (as he has requested that before) and he said yes. So I said fine, told him I loved him, and that I'd check in again the next day. He stayed uncommunicative until Wednesday, when he again spoke to me for a long time, but again I failed to validate his feelings of self-hatred.

He then tweeted our paraphrased conversation and that he hated therapy, which I think was his passive-aggressive way of lashing out at me - especially because he was being so stand-offish with me and giving me silent treatment, but also openly telling his other girlfriend that he loved her to bits, knowing that I'd see it.

Thursday: I asked how he was doing and said I'd like to see him but understood if he didn't want to. He said we could do it on Friday, as we already had something arranged. However, I eventually realised that he was planning to break up with me on the Friday, so I confronted him with that and he admitted it. I said I'd cancel the reservations unless he had anything else to say, and he said 'Okay fine, whatever'.

Friday (yesterday) was awful. Throughout this whole week my sleeping has been terrible and I've been anxious and crying, but yesterday I had to leave my office to go and cry for 20 minutes which is especially bad for my standards. I still texted him to say that I didn't hate him and that I hoped he felt better soon; he said 'I'm sorry you don't hate me' and I didn't reply.

This whole time I've been talking to his other partner and we've been trying to figure out how to haul him out of it, but it's hard. I know logically that this week has been him splitting on me rather than her because I'm an easier target, but emotionally I feel like he must just care about her more. I'm trying to combat that but it's very difficult for me because I have pretty bad abandonment issues myself. I am worried that he will make her his favourite person and leave me entirely.

Anyway. Today is Saturday. He texted me around 9AM saying he's made it out of his episode and asked if we could talk at some point today, so we'll see what happens there.

So, long story short: I have been extremely hurt by the last week, but I still don't want to lose him. I am deeply in love with him and I really want this to work out; I can see a future where it does. At the same time, I'm not sure I could go through this again (assuming he wants to get back together tonight, which is not at all a given).

I suppose what I want to know is:

- Does it sound like he could recover?
- Does anyone else have experiences with open relationships and people with BPD?
- I know he will probably split on me again. How do I handle this - both in terms of helping him, and in keeping myself stable?

[hopeinaskirt]

Hello all,

I have quite a long and complex story to tell, mostly to get it out of my system and make some sense of this.

I am currently in an open relationship with a guy who has BPD. I've known him for two years, during which he had one major suicide attempt and began making serious plans for another after his girlfriend of about a decade left him. At one point during that time I called an ambulance on him, which led to him cutting me out of his life, blocking me on everything, etc.

Before he did this, I had noticed the following trends for when he's in one of his episodes (which I now realise includes black-and-white thinking/splitting):

a) he sees himself as evil and terrible and manipulative and will do anything to convince the people around him of that, getting nastier and nastier;
b) he struggles with self-harm and self-destructive urges;
c) he drinks a lot;
d) he isolates himself as punishment.

A few months later - around June last year, I think - he got back in touch, apologised, and asked if we could be friends again. I said of course, but it would take me some time to see how sincere he was. We arranged to meet up, and then he asked if I was interested in being more than friends.

I had had a crush on him since the moment I saw him, which is very unusual for me, but I knew he could be very unstable. So I said I was incredibly attracted to him and that I was interested, but we should stay friends and I'd tell him in a few months when I had a better idea of whether it could work.

Long story short we started dating a few months later but I insisted that we shouldn't be monogamous because:

a) we both knew he had displayed abusive behaviours and I wanted to avoid being trapped in a relationship like that, because my own relationship history is pretty bad and I didn't want us to become entirely codependent;
b) I was (and am still) trying to figure out if I ever want to be monogamous with anyone ever again;
c) I have a lot of my own stuff to work on regarding relationships, including insecurity, anxieties, mothering instincts, assertiveness, etc. and it's probably not healthy for me to go back into an exclusive relationship without sorting those things out.

So off we went and it was wonderful. He stayed on his meds and went back into therapy, so I was pretty hopeful. I am still pretty hopeful about his chances of recovery, to be honest; I have read a lot about relationships with people with BPD, and in some ways he is not at all as severe as others. Most of the time he acknowledges that he has a problem, he knows what he does, he doesn't blame anyone else, he doesn't smother me or get jealous, he doesn't cheat, he does his best to make me happy, he is willing to work on our relationship and listen to me when I tell him what I need. In general, he can be very self-aware of these things.

Everything was great (other than some self-loathing episodes and a break-up that I didn't take seriously) until he invited one of his other partners to move in with him without telling me. He didn't do this to hurt me or anything, but I think it may have been part of his idealisation phase with her. Also she was in a really horrible living situation at the time.

We've been working through it, anyway; I've met her and we get on very well and objectively I'm glad that he has someone around for when he has an episode. My insecurities about her living with him are mostly separate from the issues with his BPD, though from my reading I have some concerns that he might continue to idealise her and begin devaluing me, leading to a permanent break-up. There are some small signs of this already, I think; he's been forgetting to text me and barely interacts with me on social media (though that might be because he thinks I don't want him to. I'll ask.). In person he's fine though.

ANYWAY the reason that I'm posting is that this last week has been absolute hell. As far as I can tell, there were four triggers: I gave him the keys to my flat (which is a relationship milestone and may have scared him), she left the country for a few days for work (leaving him alone in the house), he had a therapy session that was very confronting (he doesn't think he has low self-esteem, but the therapist said he did and he did not like that), and lastly his ex got back in touch (reminding him of prior abandonment).

I think what happened next was he split on me. We texted a lot on the Friday about therapy but I realise now that I was probably invalidating him (he was like 'I don't deserve love' and I was like 'yes you do' rather than 'I understand that you feel that way' etc.). In my defence, I didn't realise how important validation was until I started reading around trying to find answers over the last couple of days.

He then stopped talking to me almost entirely. On the Saturday I asked him if he wanted me to leave him alone (as he has requested that before) and he said yes. So I said fine, told him I loved him, and that I'd check in again the next day. He stayed uncommunicative until Wednesday, when he again spoke to me for a long time, but again I failed to validate his feelings of self-hatred.

He then tweeted our paraphrased conversation and that he hated therapy, which I think was his passive-aggressive way of lashing out at me - especially because he was being so stand-offish with me and giving me silent treatment, but also openly telling his other girlfriend that he loved her to bits, knowing that I'd see it.

Thursday: I asked how he was doing and said I'd like to see him but understood if he didn't want to. He said we could do it on Friday, as we already had something arranged. However, I eventually realised that he was planning to break up with me on the Friday, so I confronted him with that and he admitted it. I said I'd cancel the reservations unless he had anything else to say, and he said 'Okay fine, whatever'.

Friday (yesterday) was awful. Throughout this whole week my sleeping has been terrible and I've been anxious and crying, but yesterday I had to leave my office to go and cry for 20 minutes which is especially bad for my standards. I still texted him to say that I didn't hate him and that I hoped he felt better soon; he said 'I'm sorry you don't hate me' and I didn't reply.

This whole time I've been talking to his other partner and we've been trying to figure out how to haul him out of it, but it's hard. I know logically that this week has been him splitting on me rather than her because I'm an easier target, but emotionally I feel like he must just care about her more. I'm trying to combat that but it's very difficult for me because I have pretty bad abandonment issues myself. I am worried that he will make her his favourite person and leave me entirely.

Anyway. Today is Saturday. He texted me around 9AM saying he's made it out of his episode and asked if we could talk at some point today, so we'll see what happens there.

So, long story short: I have been extremely hurt by the last week, but I still don't want to lose him. I am deeply in love with him and I really want this to work out; I can see a future where it does. At the same time, I'm not sure I could go through this again (assuming he wants to get back together tonight, which is not at all a given).

I suppose what I want to know is:

- Does it sound like he could recover?
- Does anyone else have experiences with open relationships and people with BPD?
- I know he will probably split on me again. How do I handle this - both in terms of helping him, and in keeping myself stable?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lady Itone]

Hi HIAS, cute name!

I'm mid-40's now, and throughout my life I've done monogamy, polyamory, open relationships, etc., All of them are valid, and IMO each comes with it's own set of perks and problems. Personally, I prefer being "monogam-ish," as I require a great deal of attention and intimacy, but also cherish my sexual freedom.

I am in an open and currently bit of a long-distance thing with a gfBPD. We've been together on and off for 2 years, and actually tried living together for a bit. Neither of us has had another serious partner while we've been together. I date a lot, but no one quite moves me the way she does. Truth is, everyone else seems super boring after bedding an Amazon who downs a bottle full of adderall than decides to try to steal a police car. 

She is currently living in a halfway house/group home situation, which isn't conducive to her dating. The whole time we've been together, we've only had a handful of dalliances. I slept with an exboyfriend, she was briefly obsessed with a girl she met in the psych ward, etc... But nothing serious.

We kept our relationship open because 1) neither one of us believes monogamy is our natural state, 2) it take some of the pressure off her to be a "partner"--she just isn't healthy enough. 3) It takes some of the pressure off me as far as emotionally supporting her, which drains me.

I think we definitely run up against hard limits in a relationship with a pwBPD, and it's wise not to enmesh your finances or entrust your emotional well-being entirely to a disordered individual. It's great that you and your partner's partner can talk and form a support system for you pwBPD.

Keep us posted, I'm interested to hear how this plays out.

[hopeinaskirt]

Hey Lady Itone,

Thanks for your response. He called to basically confirm the break up so it's all academic now, I suppose.

I can't stop crying. All my fears about him choosing her were true.

[pearlsw]

Thanks Lady Itone for your insights!

Can I ask hopeinaskirt what your ideal situation with your partner would look like? What kind of balance are you hoping to find together? Does this work for him too, to keep things open? Do you expect him to change?

warmly, pearl.

[hopeinaskirt]

Hi Pearl,

Thanks so much for commenting; but as I said above, he's properly broken up with me now. I'm feeling in a much better place though, and there's a decent part of me that's glad that all the anxiety and uncertainty is over for good (I am not one to take people back after they make it clear it won't work).

I did expect him to change; but now, I am not sure that he can. Not unless he has a real moment of self-realisation.

[pearlsw]

Hi hopeinaskirt,

Got it!

These relationships can often recycle though... .are you prepared with how you might handle it if your partner tries to come back in some way? Do you feel ready to move on? Would having a second or another partner make it easier for you adjust, give you more balance in terms of the limits of this partner (if they come back around)? Not to be nosy! Just brainstorming with you!

warmly, pearl.

[hopeinaskirt]

Hi hopeinaskirt,

Got it!

These relationships can often recycle though... .are you prepared with how you might handle it if your partner tries to come back in some way? Do you feel ready to move on? Would having a second or another partner make it easier for you adjust, give you more balance in terms of the limits of this partner (if they come back around)? Not to be nosy! Just brainstorming with you!

warmly, pearl.

Hi Pearl,

Yes, I am expecting him to get in touch at some point in the next few weeks  (especially because I asked him not to). There's absolutely no way I am entering another romantic relationship with him.

In terms of moving on, I already have two other partners, but one of them is pretty useless in terms of dealing with my feelings and the other one is just a friend-with-benefits really. I was having most of my emotional needs met by my now ex.

I think I could be friends with him, but I will have to be very careful in terms of boundaries. I've emailed my therapist and asked if I can restart sessions with her to help me figure that out, as well as my own issues that led me to stay. Hopefully she'll have space for me.