At the end of my powers and about to leave. Help me read her mind

[randomuser94]

She broke-up with me almost 2 months ago. After this the following occurred:
1. Went in a almost relationship with another guy. She insisted on us remaining friends and that i should leave my stuff at home(because she needs to see my stuff in the house to be able to sleep).
2. Are are seeing each other "in secret" because of how bad she painted me to family and friends. She insists that we can only remain friends IF she can forgive me.
3. Every time i see her she has some random moments where she starts crying about the new guy and how bad he treats her, how she sees life pointless without me etc. but our relation is over and we will never get together.
4. Other moments i had: I slept recently at her/our place.I told her i don't wanna talk about my feelings, and just wanna get some sleep. She went in a blind rage where she threaten to call the cops if i don't leave(for daring to ignore her), insulted the hell out of me etc. and 2min later she burst into tears telling me "you have no idea how much it hurts" and strongly hugged me until she felt asleep.

What's the point of her keep crying and complaining about the new guy to me? I see it as a cry for help, yet she acts like the guy is perfect for her when i confront her about him.
Is she keeping me as a 'spare tire' at this point?
If I take my things and just block her/ignore her, will she see it as 'abandonment' or  she will realize i'm not a spare tire?
It's been 2months since our break-up but our engagement is still shown on FB. Why isn't she removing it?
I'm consumed by everything that's going on right now... especially on how she throws to my face about her 'many sexual partners' and how she forces control over me right now.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harley Quinn]

random, she can only control you if you let her.  You have choices.  What is your thought process in going along with her wishes?  What are you aiming for?  If you wish to get back together, we can help you to work on understanding her behaviours and improving communication.  Otherwise, if your goal is to detach, then I'd encourage you to have a good think about what signals you are sending her - and yourself - right now.  I know that this is painful for you.  We have been there.  Whatever you decide, we'll be right in your corner.

In answer to your question about NC, yes she will feel abandoned.  If you do not mean to be in her life in an ongoing way, she will likely feel that at some point.  It is the nature of the attachment disorder she suffers from.  However, NC is not about hurting your ex - it is about YOU. 

"No Contact" is mostly about the non-borderline forcing "distance" into the relationship to help the non-borderline heal; to get the "space" needed to get over the hurt; get on with their lives.

The key elements of "No Contact" are

to get the partner out of your day-to-day life,
to stop thinking in terms of a relationship,
to take them out of your vision of the future,
to stop wondering about how they are perceiving everything you are doing, and
to stop obsessing with how they are reacting (or not reacting) or what they are doing.

These are the simple objectives of "No Contact". You may need to remind yourself every day of what you are trying to do. It takes focus and determination to do this - at a time when you probably just want to sit down and cry. Just keep reminding yourself that it takes great strength and determination to be emotionally healthy.

Any other purpose could be viewed as 'dubious intent'.  You can read more on this HERE.

I can see that you're really in the thick of it right now.  It also seems she desperately wants to keep the attachment regardless of being with someone else.
 You might want to take some time to think about what your intentions are with her and consider your next steps, as any will have emotional implications for both of you.  It's your decision. 

Love and light x 

[randomuser94]

random, she can only control you if you let her.  You have choices.  What is your thought process in going along with her wishes?  What are you aiming for?  If you wish to get back together, we can help you to work on understanding her behaviours and improving communication.  Otherwise, if your goal is to detach, then I'd encourage you to have a good think about what signals you are sending her - and yourself - right now.  I know that this is painful for you.  We have been there.  Whatever you decide, we'll be right in your corner.

In answer to your question about NC, yes she will feel abandoned.  If you do not mean to be in her life in an ongoing way, she will likely feel that at some point.  It is the nature of the attachment disorder she suffers from.  However, NC is not about hurting your ex - it is about YOU. 

"No Contact" is mostly about the non-borderline forcing "distance" into the relationship to help the non-borderline heal; to get the "space" needed to get over the hurt; get on with their lives.

The key elements of "No Contact" are

to get the partner out of your day-to-day life,
to stop thinking in terms of a relationship,
to take them out of your vision of the future,
to stop wondering about how they are perceiving everything you are doing, and
to stop obsessing with how they are reacting (or not reacting) or what they are doing.

These are the simple objectives of "No Contact". You may need to remind yourself every day of what you are trying to do. It takes focus and determination to do this - at a time when you probably just want to sit down and cry. Just keep reminding yourself that it takes great strength and determination to be emotionally healthy.

Any other purpose could be viewed as 'dubious intent'.  You can read more on this HERE.

I can see that you're really in the thick of it right now.  It also seems she desperately wants to keep the attachment regardless of being with someone else.
 You might want to take some time to think about what your intentions are with her and consider your next steps, as any will have emotional implications for both of you.  It's your decision. 

Love and light x 

Thank you very much for your response.
I'm thinking of getting back together, but right now i Don't feel prepared. I need time to learn more about boundaries and to calm my feelings. I got trough a rollercoster of emotions recently and I'm not prepared for anything right now.
  What would be a good approach to not lose her but be able to get a pause from everything that;s going on?
But most importantly... .Am I reading this wrong from her? am i just a puppet right now? how can i prove her that i'm not?

[Harley Quinn]

If she is in a new r/s, then I would suggest that a healthy thing to do would be to step back and give both of you some space from the 'limbo' state you currently find yourselves in.  This will allow her to explore the new r/s and see where it leads, whilst it also gives you time to work on yourself.  When she is calm are you able to sit down and have a reasonable conversation to tell her that you need some time and space? 

Blocking her and ignoring her are not likely to be received well, so I'd take that off the table right now.  Behave as an emotionally healthy, confident and decisive partner would.  Deliver the behaviour you mean to continue consistently if you were to commence a new r/s.  In other words, start as you mean to go on.  Clear on what is important to you and showing that you mean to preserve that.

How comfortable are you with that?

Love and light x 

[randomuser94]

If she is in a new r/s, then I would suggest that a healthy thing to do would be to step back and give both of you some space from the 'limbo' state you currently find yourselves in.  This will allow her to explore the new r/s and see where it leads, whilst it also gives you time to work on yourself.  When she is calm are you able to sit down and have a reasonable conversation to tell her that you need some time and space? 

Blocking her and ignoring her are not likely to be received well, so I'd take that off the table right now.  Behave as an emotionally healthy, confident and decisive partner would.  Deliver the behavior you mean to continue consistently if you were to commence a new r/s.  In other words, start as you mean to go on.  Clear on what is important to you and showing that you mean to preserve that.

How comfortable are you with that?

Love and light x 

Some space is definitely needed. The thing is that i wanna show her that there are consequences and that she can't just toss me around.
The main problem is that I'm still emotionally attached to her. So the block was for me to detach from all the pain she causes to me and breath a bit. I want the most efficient solution to get her out of my mind so i can focus on  myself, but at the same time I don't want to ruin w/e is left of us.

Is it better if I just slowly distance myself and treat her as a lesser friend? Right now she is expecting(and behaving) me to do everything for her like we're together. Of course things don't go the other way around...

[randomuser94]

Forgot to mention some things regarding her behavior:
-Discussions with her start with how she's over me, lost her love for me, and how I must acknowledge that and move on. How happy she is with the new guy and how much better he is than me, and that she isn't even sure if she wants me as a friend(she's thinking if she should forgive me "for what I've done"
-After few more sentences, the discussion transforms into: her life being a mess, nothing seem to work for her since we broke up, how bad her relation is with the new guy and how much she suffers from this, how much she misses me from her life. During this part she cries a lot. She keeps telling that she loves me and she feels like she lost a huge part of her when we broke-up. We decided it's better for me to move out of the house but insisted on letting me things there; later she confessed about how she needs to see my stuff in the house to keep from going into depression.

-Most of the time somewhere after point 1) or point 2) a "blind rage appears". Where she insults the hell out of me, tells me that I'm her 'dog', she can do w/e she wants with me. If I don't do what everything she  wants , she can turn everyone against me (my family, cops etc). As i said earlier she expects me to behave with her like we're still in a relation(even better) or there will be consequences, while I get nothing to say. I wanna find a way to break this.
  The fact that she starts crying, and hugs me very tight after each blind rage shows me that she doesn't mean what she says(or at least that's how I see it), but I don't have to accept it either.

For me it's unclear which side of her is the real one and which side is the manipulative one. I don't know if she uses my emotions to still use me or if she uses the cold side to protect her feelings for me(which she still deeply has).

[RolandOfEld]

For me it's unclear which side of her is the real one and which side is the manipulative one.

Hi randomuser94. This is a question many of us here ask ourselves often and causes the most pain. The truth of most people with BPD are they are whoever the extreme emotion they are experiencing at that moment makes them. My wife has threatened divorce and talked about our retirement together both in the space of one day and I don't doubt she was sincere about both in the moment. It is unlikely your ex has any clear idea about what she wants from her relationship with you and trying to get into her headspace will only further destabilize yours.  

Where she insults the hell out of me, tells me that I'm her 'dog', she can do w/e she wants with me.

This is highly invalidating behavior and is not OK in any relationship context you have with her. You're right that you do not have to accept it. I was called a dog myself once and it was probably the most hurtful thing ever said to me.

I agree with you and Harley that space is needed, both for the purposes of letting you recover emotionally as well as giving her a consequence to her unstable and manipulative behavior.

In the meantime, seconding Harley that the community will be here to support you and help you gain clarity during this time. Hang in there!

Wishing you the best,
~ROE

[Jeffree]

What would be a good approach to not lose her but be able to get a pause from everything that;s going on?

Randomuser94,

I've never responded this way, but in order to answer your question, I feel as though it would help to know good qualities your friend has. You know, the parts of her you are in love with and want to be with.

Perhaps there is something in her nature that can be tapped into that you've not shared with us yet.

Thanks,
J

[randomuser94]

I agree with you and Harley that space is needed, both for the purposes of letting you recover emotionally as well as giving her a consequence to her unstable and manipulative behavior.

I'm just a bit afraid of not giving too much space(which she might see as me leaving) or too less space(and not chieving anything).

I feel as though it would help to know good qualities your friend has. You know, the parts of her you are in love with and want to be with.

I'm not sure if i understand correctly, so i hope i'm giving you the right answer: She kinda became one of my best friends.Not because we spent a lot of time together but because we get along extremely well(in terms of jokes, things we like, future plans et). If I put my friendship with her aside, I still get a person I would wanna be with/near due to her awesome personality(well... you know, except for the BPD side which conflicts with everything)
 

[once removed]

I'm just a bit afraid of not giving too much space(which she might see as me leaving) or too less space(and not chieving anything).

since this is the Bettering board, we support members in their steps to improve the relationship, or to reverse a breakup. no one will ever tell you to leave or walk away.

but everyone attempting to do that should be willing to face the prospect of a breakup, have a breaking point, and be able to live with the consequences.

why? because if you cant live with the prospect of breaking up, fear will control you, and lead you in a dysfunctional direction.

good boundaries are born from our values, and its very important that we live our values. sometimes that requires hard choices, that may have consequences. the flip side is that doing this is attractive, and better lends itself to a healthy relationship.

in other words, im not suggesting you put up hard walls, or damn the torpedoes; i am saying dont let fear dictate your actions.

[randomuser94]

since this is the Bettering board, we support members in their steps to improve the relationship, or to reverse a breakup. no one will ever tell you to leave or walk away.

but everyone attempting to do that should be willing to face the prospect of a breakup, have a breaking point, and be able to live with the consequences.

why? because if you cant live with the prospect of breaking up, fear will control you, and lead you in a dysfunctional direction.

good boundaries are born from our values, and its very important that we live our values. sometimes that requires hard choices, that may have consequences. the flip side is that doing this is attractive, and better lends itself to a healthy relationship.

in other words, im not suggesting you put up hard walls, or damn the torpedoes; i am saying dont let fear dictate your actions.

Probably the one of the most useful advices I've received in my life. Thank you very much.

[RolandOfEld]

I'm just a bit afraid of not giving too much space(which she might see as me leaving) or too less space(and not chieving anything).

I think it's about finding the right amount of space you need to maintain your own emotional health in the face of her instability towards your relationship. Staying too close might ease your mind about holding onto the relationship but keep you enmeshed in the chaos. It's about how much you can handle at this point. Remember that even though it seems like it's you that creating the distance, she is the one responsible for putting space between the two of you with her invalidating and unstable behavior. You are just responding to that behavior in the normal and natural way a human being would, by moving back to protect yourself from hurt.

~ROE