BPD and sex/porn addiction?

[xyz-Girl]

My exBPDbf watches a lot of porn. I am wondering if he was a problem and if it could be related to his BPD. All I knew before was that he is hypersexual but recently he wanted to go open on our LDR and one of the reason was that he is a "horny ass", I have also noticed this past weekend that he had watched a lot of porn on his phone, not sure if i should call him out? ask him? he admits he watches a lot of porn but idk when is a problem... .Does any of you have any experience on this subject either with porn or sex in general?

[Notgoneyet]

 xyz Girl,
  I'm glad your here and as we say in my s-anon meetings I'm sorry your here too. It's a horrible addiction to deal with and I've been told by several therapists and in my reading that its common w PBs to have addictions. My BP wife of 34 yrs is addicted to alcohol 1st & sex next. I first noticed something wrong 2.5 or so yrs ago while on an RV vacation she was just always preoccupied w her cell ph. Couldn't go anywhere, do anything with out it. If she misplaced it , everything stopped until it was found. Turns out she was sexting with various people which included sending and receiving graphic pic. I Brought it up several times for discussion asking her only to be honest & truthful about things (no other demands). What I got was full denial and me being accused of being nuts.( BPD & Addictions are a bad combination)Things got better w the SA for a while then worse up to acting out with other men. Intercepted several of her pic & texts off of her phone printed them out (thinking this would prevent denial) and had a little Intervention with her and demanded the she stops acting out (cheating) or we we're most likely headed for Divorce. Once again it was my fault,this time she said bc I wasn't satisfying her in bed. Hadn't been an issue until that day.  She was much better w the SA after that for 6 months again.
  Been seeing a Addiction/ BPD therapist for the last yr who has given my BP w a lot of help & relief from the see saw emotions of the BP as well as alcoholic issues she deals w. I brought up the SA issue 2x in our meetings and now she's refusing to go back. I've gone to therapy wo my wife for 4 wks now. Also going to S-anon meeting regularly. They have been a saving grace ! 
  One more thing we still have sex but I've noticed the Intimacy is all but gone from the relationship. That slipped away a little at a time over last 3 yrs. Too the point that she won't even hold my hand.
  I pray for you that your ExBD isn't a SA . In my experience if you hear Denial when trying to discuss it , that will be a huge RED flag. I'm not an expert in much but I've dealt w ADDICTION for over 1/2 my life and Denial & Lying is what addicts do best.
  Hope something I said helps & sorry for rambling on so much.

[Mutt]

Hi xyz-Girl,

How did you see it on his phone? Are you doing things as friend? I’m sorry if I don’t know you back story.

 I Brought it up several times for discussion asking her only to be honest & truthful about things (no other demands). What I got was full denial and me being accused of being nuts

You’ve probably gone through dissociation with your exBPDbf? If you confront him he’ll alter reality and deny of any such doing. There’s no right or wrong I can ask him if you want but you probably know the answer to your question already.

I’d like to ask you why do you want to know? Are you thinking of suggesting that he gets help?

[The Cat in d Hat]

Mine said if porn was free of stigma, that was her calling. She’d relate to a particular star too, said she looks like her. Told me she’s into recording herself having sex, and watched plenty herself of course (but instead often accused me of watching too much porn when I would send her a good sext)

 Hypersexuality is definitely part of the disorder.

[xyz-Girl]

xyz Girl,
  I'm glad your here and as we say in my s-anon meetings I'm sorry your here too. It's a horrible addiction to deal with and I've been told by several therapists and in my reading that its common w PBs to have addictions. My BP wife of 34 yrs is addicted to alcohol 1st & sex next. I first noticed something wrong 2.5 or so yrs ago while on an RV vacation she was just always preoccupied w her cell ph. Couldn't go anywhere, do anything with out it. If she misplaced it , everything stopped until it was found. Turns out she was sexting with various people which included sending and receiving graphic pic. I Brought it up several times for discussion asking her only to be honest & truthful about things (no other demands). What I got was full denial and me being accused of being nuts.( BPD & Addictions are a bad combination)Things got better w the SA for a while then worse up to acting out with other men. Intercepted several of her pic & texts off of her phone printed them out (thinking this would prevent denial) and had a little Intervention with her and demanded the she stops acting out (cheating) or we we're most likely headed for Divorce. Once again it was my fault,this time she said bc I wasn't satisfying her in bed. Hadn't been an issue until that day.  She was much better w the SA after that for 6 months again.
  Been seeing a Addiction/ BPD therapist for the last yr who has given my BP w a lot of help & relief from the see saw emotions of the BP as well as alcoholic issues she deals w. I brought up the SA issue 2x in our meetings and now she's refusing to go back. I've gone to therapy wo my wife for 4 wks now. Also going to S-anon meeting regularly. They have been a saving grace ! 
  One more thing we still have sex but I've noticed the Intimacy is all but gone from the relationship. That slipped away a little at a time over last 3 yrs. Too the point that she won't even hold my hand.
  I pray for you that your ExBD isn't a SA . In my experience if you hear Denial when trying to discuss it , that will be a huge RED flag. I'm not an expert in much but I've dealt w ADDICTION for over 1/2 my life and Denial & Lying is what addicts do best.
  Hope something I said helps & sorry for rambling on so much.

Thanks for sharing your story. I can definitely see him denying it if he has an addiction. He sometimes admits he watches a lot of porn and sometimes not, depends on how i ask i guess.  It is hard for me to notice any change in intimacy due that we only see each other every so often and our sex is always great. My relationship with him is dying but i still love him, and still think about him in a serious way, i just don't want to get involved in more of a mess than I am already. He did mentioned something kinda weird last time we met, but he tends to say things like that. I am not sure if it is only him or all BPD people that have a very awkward social behavior where they say things that are just too out of place, or too much... .idk how to explain it. I am really hoping he is not but he has been watching it a lot lately. Not sure if he actually touches himself everytime or just watches it just to watch. He said to me he is constantly thinking about sex, maybe he is a sex addict  All i know is that we went for lunch and then went on our own ways and he took forever to just take off his way. Then i saw his history online that he was watching porn during that moment in hi car, in the middle of the parking lot before taking off for his long drive back home. It is weird, oh! and he also was watching while driving... .do you think he is an addict?

[xyz-Girl]

Hi xyz-Girl,

How did you see it on his phone? Are you doing things as friend? I’m sorry if I don’t know you back story.

You’ve probably gone through dissociation with your exBPDbf? If you confront him he’ll alter reality and deny of any such doing. There’s no right or wrong I can ask him if you want but you probably know the answer to your question already.

I’d like to ask you why do you want to know? Are you thinking of suggesting that he gets help?

Yes, I have seen it on his phone. I have seen him watching porn multiple times, he has a specific type he enjoys. I never minded it bc I watch porn too but what caused my worry is that lately he is being doing it more and more... .I think i am experiencing dissociation atm with him, idk how long this events last, but last weekend he was crying bc he has hurt me a lot and he thinks i just love him too much, and he doesn't want to disappoint me or cheat on me, he also said he is not sure if he knows what love is bc now seems like he wants sex more often than before... .so he cannot do the long distance anymore, he doesn't know if he would cheat on me or not if we continue exclusive. I am just so confused, but i think it is because he is confused. He tells me he loves me but it is too difficult a LDR for him now. Everything happened so  fast tho... .and wanting sex more often i understand, we are both hypersexual, but watching porn while driving? watching it for hours... .at any given time? that is odd to me! and yes, i want to suggest help if that is the case. He has an addictive personality for sure! i just never knew it was that bad. I just started looking at his activity lately, so idk before how often it was... .what should i do?

[JustNeedToTalk]

Sex was definitely an issue with my exBPD.  Things I didn’t discover until the devaluing phase.  He firstly started talking more and more about threesomes, which he knew I was uncomfortable with.  I’ve always thought sex was intimate and meant for only two people to share.  The threesomes than then developed into fantasies of me sh**ing a lady boy and him watching.  Then just not caring, he once came into a room I sleeping in with my friend, I woke with him using a sex toy on me as my friend lay next to us.  Then he asked me to watch porn during sex with him, this didn’t concern me TBH.  In the final few days I discovered his addiction to Viagra (claimed he suffered ED).  And then finally he was hypersexual and cheated on me, once that I know for sure but now I suspect more…. Resulting in the end of our relationship.

If you can, get out before he cheats, he's basically telling you as the pain of cheating intensifies the end of the relationship.

[Kaboodle]

My exBPDbf watches a lot of porn. I am wondering if he was a problem and if it could be related to his BPD. All I knew before was that he is hypersexual but recently he wanted to go open on our LDR... .

My exBPDbf was hypersexual, but it manifested itself less with porn than with incessant demands for sexual gratification, compulsive masturbation, and multiple one-night-stands and ongoing affairs with married women.

If I ever declined to have sex with him, he would whine that our relationship had lost its passion, rage at me for not meeting his needs, and/or threaten to cheat. He would often smirk, "I have lots of other options, you know."

Most distressing was when he would be verbally abusing me, and then he would suddenly switch to coming on to me. I was expected to completely forget about his raging and immediately satisfy him, and it was incredibly dehumanizing.

[pearlsw]

Hi xyz-Girl,

Just wanted to check and see what you are thinking about these issues now? How are you feeling?

take care, pearl.

[Notgoneyet]

xyz-Girl,
  Idk, but I think it's obviously clear from your shared info that it's at the very least an obsession at this point. Parts your story also sound  familiar to my SO beginings with SA  4-5 yrs ago.
  Take care of yourself & wishing you the best sorting through all these really tough feelings ! 

[xyz-Girl]

Sex was definitely an issue with my exBPD.  Things I didn’t discover until the devaluing phase.  He firstly started talking more and more about threesomes, which he knew I was uncomfortable with.  I’ve always thought sex was intimate and meant for only two people to share.  The threesomes than then developed into fantasies of me sh**ing a lady boy and him watching.  Then just not caring, he once came into a room I sleeping in with my friend, I woke with him using a sex toy on me as my friend lay next to us.  Then he asked me to watch porn during sex with him, this didn’t concern me TBH.  In the final few days I discovered his addiction to Viagra (claimed he suffered ED).  And then finally he was hypersexual and cheated on me, once that I know for sure but now I suspect more…. Resulting in the end of our relationship.

If you can, get out before he cheats, he's basically telling you as the pain of cheating intensifies the end of the relationship.

Thanks for sharing your story. We are not together anymore and he has being open about not being able to deal with the distance and his hypersexuality. Everything changed and idk if the distance is only an excuse for him to just look around for someone else. It is complicated and scary.

[xyz-Girl]

Hi xyz-Girl,

Just wanted to check and see what you are thinking about these issues now? How are you feeling?

take care, pearl.

I am not sure what i feel. My emotions are all over, sometimes i feel i should just leave it there because i feel, that on the side that he probably is a sex addict, he said that he jerks off daily, that he needs it, he is probably just having me there until he finds another girl, you know for emotional support. That's what hurts me the most that sometimes i feel him distant and sometimes he is not. It confuses me and hurts me in the process. I feel i need to let go but it is hard for me to do so, idk why.