Daughter-in-law with BPD and I am concerned for the children

[Mary5]

Hello,
We have a daughter in law who has struggled with mental health issues likely all her life. She has recently been diagnosed with BPD. My husband and I have always enjoyed strong family connections and have good relationships with our children (all married with children of their own). We have struggled with many issues over the years due to our DIL's mental illness, specifically in knowing what to do. We have researched, read, talked to others and received counseling for ourselves. Although our DIL is having treatment she seems to be getting worse (I am hoping this is part of the process of accepting the diagnosis and moving positively into the future). My number one concern is for the children, they have no voice and from our perspective are exhibiting behaviors that are of concern. We have been very involved with them up until the last 6 months. We are resolute that we will not shirk our duty to support the family especially the children, however, it is rather difficult when you don't see them. We are hopeful that the situation will change (albeit slowly) and have the door always open for them all.
We look forward to discussing with others in similar situations and to find ways of maintaining our own health and helping our family.

[HappyChappy]

Hi Mary5,   
Firstly can I commend you on your attitude to what must be very difficult situation for you. My mother and brother both have a PD and I have to keep reminding myself, as hard as it is for me, its a lot harder for them.

You should be proud of your DIL if she is in therapy. That’s a rare thing, and must have been a mammoth task for her. BPD normally reject any negative label. I wouldn’t worry that she’s taken a step back to begin with, acceptance is super hard for them.
Please do hang in there for the kids, because BPD do care what the crowd thinks, so it does temper the behaviour.  A BPD has black and white thinking, so you’re either on their side or against them. So if you can see a way to be seen to be on her side, that would give more access. They also have transactional thinking, so for example my BPD mom wouldn’t do anything for her kids unless she could see something in it for her. So tell her you want to come and see her (not her kids) , say there’s a party for her, but kids can come too. That sort of thing. But also destigmatize BPD. Angelia Jollie has BPD and look how well she’s done (probably because she gets loads of adoration, but no need to mention that). Lady Di, Marylin Monroe, Churchill and General Pattern all had a PD and look how well they did. A BPD is emotional stuck at age 8, so they really do like to be the one to blow the candles out and win at snakes and ladders.  But your DIL sounds quiet advanced, so that’s something to celebrate. Is she quiet low on the BPD scale ?

[Mary5]

Thank you for your constructive comments Happy Chappy. It does help to talk with someone who understands the situation. My DIL is sadly on the severe end of the spectrum. I know we need to hang in there for everyone and we will. Occasionally the BPD behaviors get to me as it takes me back to my childhood as (from what I know now) I believe my mother suffered from BPD.

I am focussing on the good things that happen (and there are many), but there are days when it is all consuming. I have found this forum very helpful in terms of the useful information and the realization this is not a consequence of my actions or inactions.

Your comment regarding transactional thinking resonates with me and I know how I can implement that. Thank you once again.

[Speck]

Hello, Mary5:

 

Just wanted to join HappyChappy in welcoming you to the forum. I'm sorry for what brings you here, but you are bound to find others with whom to help support you while you learn how to navigate the days ahead.

It sounds like you've already learned quite a bit in regards to BPD, and I champion your curiosity in this endeavor, as I'm sure that your son appreciates your willingness to learn. And if he's not even aware that you are undertaking this study, it will most likely bear fruit in other ways down the line.

In my opinion, you have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion, and education as it relates to BPD.

So, feel free to make yourself at home, and keep writing if it helps!


-Speck

[Mommy su]

Happy Chappy-I just joined and I too have a DIL that is undiagnosed BPD... I am so worried about our grandchild, but also sick of the craziness! This site is now a source of help to me for how to deal with this... .The advice I have received is helping so much... .