I took the Schema Inventory - what does it mean?

[Depression = 72% of members]

The lonely child schema is often associated with NPD leanings. People with NPD and BPD traits coming together is very common and this is one of the drivers.

This is a quick test that would build on what you are saying:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=202548.0

I took the test. i couldn't figure out how to attach the results but i scored above norm for vulnerable child,  compliant surrender, detached protector, detached self-soother and punishing parent.

Not sure how to interpret it exactly.


The test contains 135 questions. By clicking here you will download
an excel spreadsheet from  bpdfamily's secure server. Please copy
your score into this thread!

[OverThinker]

The lonely child schema is often associated with NPD leanings. People with NPD and BPD traits coming together is very common and this is one of the drivers.

This is a quick test that would build on what you are saying:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=202548.0

I took the test. i couldn't figure out how to attach the results but i scored above norm for vulnerable child,  compliant surrender, detached protector, detached self-soother and punishing parent.

Not sure how to interpret it exactly.


The test contains 135 questions. By clicking here you will download
an excel spreadsheet from  bpdfamily's secure server. Please copy
your score into this thread!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

These are the schema you tend to revert to in different life situations... .

INNATE CHILD MODES

1.  Vulnerable Child:  feels lonely, isolated, sad, misunderstood, unsupported, defective, deprived, overwhelmed, incompetent, doubts self, needy, helpless, hopeless, frightened, anxious, worried, victimized, worthless, unloved, unlovable, lost, directionless, fragile, weak, defeated, oppressed, powerless, left out, excluded, pessimistic
 
MALADAPTIVE COPING MODES
 
5.  Compliant Surrenderer : acts in a passive, subservient, submissive, approval-seeking, or self-deprecating way around others out of fear of conflict or rejection; tolerates abuse and/or bad treatment; does not express healthy needs or desires to others; selects people or engages in other behavior that directly maintains the self-defeating schema-driven pattern
 
6.  Detached Protector : cuts off needs and feelings; detaches emotionally from people and rejects their help; feels withdrawn, spacey, distracted, disconnected, depersonalized, empty or bored; pursues distracting,  self-soothing,  or self-stimulating activities in a compulsive way or to excess; may adopt a cynical, aloof  or pessimistic stance to avoid investing in people or activities

Detached self-soother: Shut off their emotions by engaging in activities that will somehow soothe,stimulate or distract them from feeling. These behaviours are usually undertaken in an addictive orcompulsive way, and can include workaholism, gambling, dangerous sports, promiscuous sex, or drug abuse. Another group of patients compulsively engages in solitary interests that are more self-soothing than self-stimulating, such as playing computer games, overeating, watching television,or fantasizing.

 MALADAPTIVE PARENT MODES
 
8.  Punitive Parent : feels that oneself or others deserves punishment or blame and often acts on these feelings by being blaming, punishing, or abusive towards self (e.g., self-mutilation) or others.  This mode refers to the style with which rules are enforced rather than the nature of the rules.
 

[pearlsw]

Hi OverThinker,

Thanks for sharing about this with us! That is a lot to think about!
Does it ring true for you? Any of these assessments I mean.

warmly, pearl.

[OverThinker]

Hi Pearl, Thank you for your support. Sadly, yes much of it hits close to home. I can see myself in various combinations of a lot of it. I'm okay on the outside though

[pearlsw]

Hi Pearl, Thank you for your support. Sadly, yes much of it hits close to home. I can see myself in various combinations of a lot of it. I'm okay on the outside though

Oh sure!

Would you like to talk over one that stands out for you as particularly important to work on? Or describe a situation where you think you used some of these behaviors?

That's quite a big test! I haven't taken it! How long did it take you to do it?

take care, pearl.

[OverThinker]

Oh sure!

Would you like to talk over one that stands out for you as particularly important to work on? Or describe a situation where you think you used some of these behaviors?

That's quite a big test! I haven't taken it! How long did it take you to do it?

take care, pearl.

Hi Pearl,
I guess I'd start with the maladaptive coping modes, Compliant Surrenderer in particular. About 20 years ago one of the first counselors i went to try to improve my marriage said that i may have approval issues. I only went to a few sessions with him and then started seeing another therapist with my wife. The second therapist said to me if wasn't doing the things i wanted to do to start doing them but not to go overboard. I remember feeling guilty in those days for sometimes wanting to do things apart from wife. She basically didn't approve of that and felt that i should do other things with her or do things around the house instead.

I think the test took maybe 15 minutes or so. It's 135 questions and at the half way point you take a break.

[pearlsw]

Oh, I see! So, these kinds of things:

Compliant Surrenderer : acts in a passive, subservient, submissive, approval-seeking, or self-deprecating way around others out of fear of conflict or rejection; tolerates abuse and/or bad treatment; does not express healthy needs or desires to others; selects people or engages in other behavior that directly maintains the self-defeating schema-driven pattern

Are you working on this with a therapist now? How do you feel when you go against these patterns may I ask?

warmly, pearl.

[OverThinker]

Hi Pearl, I have been working with a therapist for about a year but not on this issue. I started to see him to help me sort out my feelings towards my wife and my affair partner. The sessions have evolved into exploring ways to better my communication with my affair partner like being empathetic, validating her feelings, reassuring her that if i need to walk away from her during a heated discussion that I would be coming back so as not to make her feel abandoned. We've discussed how I need to establish boundary's and what actions to take when those boundaries are crossed and to not feel overly responsible for her behavior. I must say I'm not very good at it. We've talked a lot about her chronic hypervigilance. She constantly thinks I'm seeking her replacement. For example, if i go to a bar to have a beer or something to eat with friends or family she believes I'm up to something and that the only reason people got to a bar is to meet other people to create new friendships that turn into romantic relationships. Another example is if i go to the same convenience store daily to get a coffee or something it's because I want to see the clerk. She just assumes the clerk is a woman that I probably find attractive.
I see my therapist later this week and plan on discussing the result of the schema test instead of discussing more of what I've written above.

As for my feelings about going against compliant surrenderer patterns I'd say I'm just not sure how I feel. It's hard to say. To go against those patterns feels foreign to me. I'm not sure if that makes sense or not.

[Skip]

To go against those patterns feels foreign to me. I'm not sure if that makes sense or not.

Of course it does. The point is that they are self-defeating. So we try to replace them with something that is not. 

[OverThinker]

So we try to replace them with something that is not. 

I'm eager to get started. How do I?