Get controlling mother to leave me alone forever

[ijustwantpeace]

How do I get my controlling mother to leave me alone?

No matter how mean I am to her, she just won't get out of my life.

She has controlled my life so completely for most of my life it is hard to have any happy feelings toward her. 

There are not happy memories left.

Right now I am saving up cash to move away, but I understand she will follow me if she knows where I am.

She is just plain nuts.

[Turkish]

Do you live with her now?

Being mean might be reinforcing her view of you as a "bad child," validating her drama. What do you think?

[zachira]

The best thing you can do for now is have low contact with her. Avoid her when you can. End the conversation as soon as possible. Have others around when possible, especially people she feels she has to put a positive act on for. Borderlines usually behave better in front of strangers, or people who are not as close to them as immediate family.

[ijustwantpeace]

The best thing you can do for now is have low contact with her. Avoid her when you can. End the conversation as soon as possible. Have others around when possible, especially people she feels she has to put a positive act on for. Borderlines usually behave better in front of strangers, or people who are not as close to them as immediate family.

I am doing that.  Working as much as I can and keeping conversations short.

The problem is she does what she wants, has no boundaries and does not respect my wishes.  She shows up at my church and social stuff and I just don't care for it.

I am saving my money, planning on selling my house and moving to the woods.

I won't ever be able to own a home as she will find me.

I just want her to leave me alone.  I don't care about her and want nothing to do with her.

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you. I too have a very controlling BPD mother who has no boundaries, and I live far away enough that we have limited contact, though when we do have contact it is very frustrating because she completely ignores all my requests to stay out of my life. I continue to see my therapist, and work on letting mom's terrible behavior have less negative effects on me. Mom's behavior upsets me less and less as time goes on, though I feel I will never recover completely from how she has affected my life, both in the past, present, and future. I hope you can move soon, and keep your distance. How old is your mother? Hopefully, she does not have the means, either physical or financial to show up where you live. I also assume you do not want her to know any of the same people you know. If she is anything like my mother, I assume she tells people all kinds of private things about you, and many lies to damage your reputation. This type of mother is in competition with her children to be number one with everyone else, and she does not see her children as separate people from her.

[ijustwantpeace]

My heart goes out to you. I too have a very controlling BPD mother who has no boundaries, and I live far away enough that we have limited contact, though when we do have contact it is very frustrating because she completely ignores all my requests to stay out of my life. I continue to see my therapist, and work on letting mom's terrible behavior have less negative effects on me. Mom's behavior upsets me less and less as time goes on, though I feel I will never recover completely from how she has affected my life, both in the past, present, and future. I hope you can move soon, and keep your distance. How old is your mother? Hopefully, she does not have the means, either physical or financial to show up where you live. I also assume you do not want her to know any of the same people you know. If she is anything like my mother, I assume she tells people all kinds of private things about you, and many lies to damage your reputation. This type of mother is in competition with her children to be number one with everyone else, and she does not see her children as separate people from her.

You nailed it!  Everything you said matches my mother!  She is going on 69 and has no life of her own, she just feeds off me.  The more I think about it the sicker I get.  I mean physically ill.  I think the best thing is to learn to ignore her, and her weird behaviors all together.

Nothing I can do about it.  Even if I move she will show up.  I have no idea what is wrong with her to act this way.

Right now I am working and saving up cash.  Maybe a big pile of money will make make me care less.  I don't think she will ever be normal.

[zachira]

I may understand your heartbreak as my mother is indeed similar to yours, though there are differences as everyone is unique in their own way. What has helped me the most is to work on my boundaries with self and others, which helps me to be less upset with what mom does, and also seems to decrease the upsetting interactions I have with her, though she will always bother me as she has no boundaries and does not see me as a separate person from her. My mother is 98 years old, and now has caretakers in the home during the day, so I interact with the caretakers and keep her in the background. She phones me regularly and I hang up after two minutes as she continues to talk about topics I have asked her not to bring up. Along time ago, I tried to get mom to just talk about herself, and she told me that people don't like me because I ask a lot of nosy questions. The things I asked were just normal conversation questions, nothing really personal. Mom does not want to talk to me or my sister about herself (though she does talk with other people) because apparently that would acknowledge us as people that are separate from her. I have also tried to talk about myself, which she shuts down, as she mainly wants to talk about topics that I don't want to hear about, despite repeated requests to mind her own business. Sorry to go on about this. It is just so hard to be the daughter of a severely borderline mother who does not respect you as separate person, and is always meddling in your life when you are there or talking about you to everyone when you are present or are not even there.

[ijustwantpeace]

I may understand your heartbreak as my mother is indeed similar to yours, though there are differences as everyone is unique in their own way. What has helped me the most is to work on my boundaries with self and others, which helps me to be less upset with what mom does, and also seems to decrease the upsetting interactions I have with her, though she will always bother me as she has no boundaries and does not see me as a separate person from her. My mother is 98 years old, and now has caretakers in the home during the day, so I interact with the caretakers and keep her in the background. She phones me regularly and I hang up after two minutes as she continues to talk about topics I have asked her not to bring up. Along time ago, I tried to get mom to just talk about herself, and she told me that people don't like me because I ask a lot of nosy questions. The things I asked were just normal conversation questions, nothing really personal. Mom does not want to talk to me or my sister about herself (though she does talk with other people) because apparently that would acknowledge us as people that are separate from her. I have also tried to talk about myself, which she shuts down, as she mainly wants to talk about topics that I don't want to hear about, despite repeated requests to mind her own business. Sorry to go on about this. It is just so hard to be the daughter of a severely borderline mother who does not respect you as separate person, and is always meddling in your life when you are there or talking about you to everyone when you are present or are not even there.

I feel for you.  I am just going to focus on what I need for myself right now, and work as much as I can.  The more I work the less I will have to deal with stuff.

More cash means I can move far, far away to some remote place she can't follow.  Maybe on a mountain top or something.  I don't care.

You can't win with these types of people.