I think my recycle is starting or is he indifferent?

[JustNeedToTalk]

I think my recycle is starting.  After 2 months he has unblocked me on whatsapp.  No message just an unblock.  I genuinely believed I was black forever, our break up was so messy and I exposed him.  I assumed he hated me and would forever.  I don’t want to block him as it’ll give him some power to show I have noticed and care.  Despite all the reading I never thought a recycle would happen to me.  Or is he indifferent?  Do BPD’s have the capability of indifference?  It’s certainly what I’m working on for myself.

[Speck]

Hello JustNeedToTalk,

Do BPD’s have the capability of indifference?

I would think so. I think pwBPD have the capacity to feel ALL the feelings.  It's just that their feelings are more fleeting than Nons' feelings are.

It is possible that your ex may just be making some administrative changes to his social media stuff, and is not trying to throw a lifeline to you in any case.

But, then he may be wanting you to see his social media stuff, and that may beg a larger question. If so, would this be the first time you've seen this type of behavior from him?

Are you currently processing a detached path with your relationship? If so, you are definitely on the right board!

Feel free to tell us more about what is going on your life and what, if any, plans you might have for the future. I look forward to hearing more from you. Keep writing if it helps.


-Speck

[heartandwhole]

Hi JNT,

I know what you mean. When pwBPD got married about a year after our breakup, I didn't expect to ever hear from him again, but I did.

Despite all the reading I never thought a recycle would happen to me. 

A recycle doesn't happen to you. It takes two active participants. 

I agree with Speck that the unblocking doesn't necessarily mean anything.

It sounds like you are not willing to enter into the fray again? How are you doing with the detachment process?

heartandwhole

[JustNeedToTalk]

Hi Speck and Heart and Whole,

Thank you.

As much as my heart wants to hear that he at least feels something I know I can’t go back. The pain of what he did was too much. He’s destroyed my faith in me and relationships. I am in therapy. I’m talking about my issues. It’s helping. I’m exercising. It’s helping.

But yes I have seen this behavior with him with friends and family. He’s never painted anyone as black as me though. He despises me. So to even unblock me isn’t something he would think about lightly. The last text I received before blocking was “c***”. That’s it.

Deep down I feel he is up to something.  I really do.

I would lose friends and family due to the support they have given me if I even went close to a recycle. I need to stay strong.

JNTT

[pearlsw]

Hi JustNeedToTalk,

What do you think about not being connected to him at all on social media? Is that something you would want or not? Just curious!

take care, pearl.

[JustNeedToTalk]

Hi JustNeedToTalk,

What do you think about not being connected to him at all on social media? Is that something you would want or not? Just curious!

take care, pearl.

I don’t want it. I’m too obsessive / addictive in personality. I would analyze everything. I’d like a reach out in some way of an apology or some closure but I don’t want to see his daily life it would slow my healing.

Thanks for messaging

[pearlsw]

I don’t want it. I’m too obsessive / addictive in personality. I would analyze everything. I’d like a reach out in some way of an apology or some closure but I don’t want to see his daily life it would slow my healing.

Thanks for messaging

Hi JustNeedToTalk,

I hear ya. I would dread watching someone fall out of love with me - that would hurt a lot! Better to keep such things out of one's brain, especially if ya have obsessive tendencies.

I know if I'd had this site years ago during a very painful break up I went through I would have used to post my thoughts here instead of... .oh geez... .I would just talk to random strangers in the streets! It was so sad! Argh! I did that yesterday too!

Do you have a plan built in your head about how to get through this?

take care, pearl.

[tiki]

One thing I’ve done is make a sheet for everyday no contact. It’s nice to have now because I can look back and see how much pain and tears are behind me. I can also then see the how much better i start to feel with time. I feel like those kind of facts you can’t argue with.

I see so many people here analyzing the motives of their person. Seeing that from an outside perspective always makes me see how it doesn’t matter. What matters is how all this effects me.

I also crave closure and understanding. But every time I’ve tried to get it through the person I just opened myself up to more unreality.

It’s also a terrible vulnerable feeling to know that the only thing that stands between me and pain is my resolve. And that it’s possible I could bring hurt upon myself if I for some reason opened up to anything or if some random urges wins out.

[insideoutside]

I think my recycle is starting.  After 2 months he has unblocked me on whatsapp.  No message just an unblock.  I genuinely believed I was black forever, our break up was so messy and I exposed him.  I assumed he hated me and would forever.  I don’t want to block him as it’ll give him some power to show I have noticed and care.  :)espite all the reading I never thought a recycle would happen to me.  Or is he indifferent?  :)o BPD’s have the capability of indifference?  It’s certainly what I’m working on for myself.

Hi JNTT

I noticed that my friend’s name was suddenly appearing on a Zumba page I go to even though I couldn’t find him on Facebook and we live nowhere near one another.  I had a sneaky suspicion this was him trying to check up on how my life was going in some weird capacity.  Within a few weeks he had re-established contact after cutting me off for 9 months and soon afterwards I could no longer see his name related to this Zumba page.  Well he had no need to stay on it once he was back in contact with me did he?

What I will say is go with your gut; I was painted black and threatened with the police if I ever contacted him again and 9 months later he sends me an email saying hi how are you and it’s ok I forgive you... . :)ont ever assume the end is the end.  Although I am pretty sure our friendship is done for good now and will be amazed if he ever has the audacity to contact me again.

[heartandwhole]

I see so many people here analyzing the motives of their person. Seeing that from an outside perspective always makes me see how it doesn’t matter. What matters is how all this effects me.

Wise words, tiki 

[The Cat in d Hat]

I’m in a situation where she blocked me everywhere, made her public Instagram private, and blocked me on that as well. When I contacted her using the last method I could, blocked me there too. A few days after that I noticed she still has me blocked, but made her Instagram public again.

It’s been a little over a month since this all happened. A few days ago I noticed she made her Instagram private again.

The lesson, like everyone has said, we can only focus on our motives and feelings, not the other person.

[Skip]

I think my recycle is starting. 

Recycling is when the two of you reconnect in the relationship... .it doesn'y sound like that is happening.

Unblocking could be an act indifference.

[JustNeedToTalk]

Part of me really hopes it is indifference.  And I hear what you are saying a ‘recycle’ is when two people reconnect and that has certainly not happened.

I just know him, he is sloppy, it’s not admin on his phone, and he very rarely opened mail, deleted messages, and his mailbox contained about 5000 emails.  He doesn’t understand admin, has no interest in a clean environment.  And he knows that I find blocking childish, as adults we should have the ability to resist messaging if that is the best course.  One of the last things I said to him was “keep me blocked forever, keep all my friends blocked for ever, it really will have no impact on me as I have the ability inside me to cut you off without that action”, and he knew that, even when he blocked for the last time (previous blocking and unblocking) as it was him messaging me constantly not the other way around.

I just find this odd and want to be strong enough emotionally to cope with any contact “if” it comes.  He knows what he did to me, lying, cheating, stealing, the things he said to me haunt me now still.  And when I exposed him and his one major affair he even told friends that regardless of anything he did to me I shouldn’t have done that.  So yeah perhaps it is indifference but it is very out of character for him.  I suspect he’s lost some supply and hoping that I reach out to him, even if it’s only to feed his ego so he can attack me again.

[Speck]

Hello again, JNTT:

He despises me. So to even unblock me isn’t something he would think about lightly. The last text I received before blocking was “c***”. That’s it.

Egad! 

Deep down I feel he is up to something.  I really do.

I would lose friends and family due to the support they have given me if I even went close to a recycle. I need to stay strong.

I hear you and believe you when you say that it feels like he's up to "something." You are probably right. But! As you've stated, you are planning to stay strong, and I champion that powerful urge to do what's best for YOU. Hang in there, friend.

Oh, and keep writing if it helps!


-Speck

[JustNeedToTalk]

I wrote this to keep me strong today.  I have NO intention of sending it.  But it helps me stay strong and for some reason reduces the symptoms of my panic attacks.  I need to talk to my therapist about whether they are related to all the anger I have inside.  I'm sorry if anyone is offended, it's the way I feel at this moment.

You know what.  I think I am finally starting to hate you, its happening I can feel it inside.  I told my therapist I didn’t have it in me to hate but I actually think I do.  And not as a defence mechanism, because I do one day want to feel indifferent with you.  It’s not because of what you did to me, your cheating, lying, and devaluing of me.  It’s because of the physical affect you have had on me.  My panic attacks are now stopping me functioning.  I f***ing hate you for that.

So, as much as my heart still yeans for you - I WILL NEVER TAKE YOU BACK.  NEVER.  I WILL ALWAYS REGRET MEETING YOU.  People say never say never but I have never meant anything more in my life.  I live my days in fear that I am dying.  You knew I suffered panics and you still said all those abusive things to me, you knew I was insecure, and you still chose to f*** the one woman I was insecure about behind my back and then swear on your son’s life that you hadn’t when I confronted you.  Who swears on a child’s life, a child that you self-profess to be a bad father to.  A son that you say you want to be more active in his life, and it kills you inside that you haven’t been.  You don’t know how to be a good father, you don’t know how to be a good friend, and you don’t know how to be a good son or brother and certainly don’t know how to be a good romantic partner.

Yeah you are funny, charismatic, charming, a great lover…. But you’re a c*** plain and simple.  And you will always be a c***.  You will never get help, your suicide threats are your get out of jail free cards for bad behaviour.  Your pathetic cries for pity.

And you know what, I know you can’t help it.  I know that you wish you weren’t like this, but you are. I actually do pity you.  You have an incurable personality disorder that destroys the ones you love the most.  You will never get help, not proper help because you have an innate inability to be honest.  As soon as your depression or BPD episodes lift you go back you your lies.

[Speck]

I wrote this to keep me strong today.  I have NO intention of sending it.  But it helps me stay strong and for some reason reduces the symptoms of my panic attacks. I'm sorry if anyone is offended, it's the way I feel at this moment:

Now, that's what I'm talking about! No need to worry about offending us. You can come here every day and write us those letters instead of sending them to your ex if it keeps you on your path to healing.

Well done!


-Speck!

[tiki]

I wrote this to keep me strong today.  I have NO intention of sending it.  But it helps me stay strong and for some reason reduces the symptoms of my panic attacks.  I need to talk to my therapist about whether they are related to all the anger I have inside.  I'm sorry if anyone is offended, it's the way I feel at this moment.

You know what.  I think I am finally starting to hate you, its happening I can feel it inside.  I told my therapist I didn’t have it in me to hate but I actually think I do.  And not as a defence mechanism, because I do one day want to feel indifferent with you.  It’s not because of what you did to me, your cheating, lying, and devaluing of me.  It’s because of the physical affect you have had on me.  My panic attacks are now stopping me functioning.  I f***ing hate you for that.

So, as much as my heart still yeans for you - I WILL NEVER TAKE YOU BACK.  NEVER.  I WILL ALWAYS REGRET MEETING YOU.  People say never say never but I have never meant anything more in my life.  I live my days in fear that I am dying.  You knew I suffered panics and you still said all those abusive things to me, you knew I was insecure, and you still chose to f*** the one woman I was insecure about behind my back and then swear on your son’s life that you hadn’t when I confronted you.  Who swears on a child’s life, a child that you self-profess to be a bad father to.  A son that you say you want to be more active in his life, and it kills you inside that you haven’t been.  You don’t know how to be a good father, you don’t know how to be a good friend, and you don’t know how to be a good son or brother and certainly don’t know how to be a good romantic partner.

Yeah you are funny, charismatic, charming, a great lover…. But you’re a c*** plain and simple.  And you will always be a c***.  You will never get help, your suicide threats are your get out of jail free cards for bad behaviour.  Your pathetic cries for pity.

And you know what, I know you can’t help it.  I know that you wish you weren’t like this, but you are. I actually do pity you.  You have an incurable personality disorder that destroys the ones you love the most.  You will never get help, not proper help because you have an innate inability to be honest.  As soon as your depression or BPD episodes lift you go back you your lies.

This would be a good thread topic.

[JustNeedToTalk]

Thanks guys…. Speck I love your inspiration - thank you.  And Tiki I totally agree this is a therapeutic topic, I think I will talk about how this made me feel in my next session.

Although he has unblocked me I was actually thinking last night and today about just blocking him.  I don’t want any tit for tat, and I don’t want him thinking he’s getting any sort of reaction from me.  Yes I am still hugely affected by this, still heartbroken, but do I want him knowing this, NO WAY.  I need to heal and stop loving him, remember the good times.

Additionally if I want to feel indifferent then why should I care what he thinks of me?  What’s your thoughts?  Would blocking cause a reaction because that is the last thing I want, he's charismatic I don't want him to worm his way back into me in any shape or form.  But I can’t help myself looking, and he is playing games…. I know he is.

[JustNeedToTalk]

This would be a good thread topic.

Tiki - you mean your think I could help others if I posted this as a thread?  Is that what you meant?

[Speck]

Hello again, JustNeedToTalk:

I need to heal and stop loving him, remember the good times.

Since your stated goal is detaching, then, this articulates your goal very well.

Additionally if I want to feel indifferent then why should I care what he thinks of me? What’s your thoughts?

Not everyone we "lose" in this life is a loss. Sometimes giving them a second chance or leaving the door cracked open a little bit is like giving them an extra (rubber) bullet for their gun because they missed us the first time.

True story: Rubber bullets really hurt!

Would blocking cause a reaction because that is the last thing I want, he's charismatic I don't want him to worm his way back into me in any shape or form.  But I can’t help myself looking, and he is playing games…. I know he is.

If you're blocking all modes of contact for your own self-preservation, then it shouldn't matter how your doing so affects him. I say shouldn't here because I know that you care about his feelings and/or fear any possible fallout, but boundaries, my friend, are like that.  They are meant to be a tough perimeter around your heart so that you can give yourself the gift of clarity and healing.

If you need to drop the portcullis, then, by all means, do so!  We understand that you are doing it for YOU, even if your ex may not appreciate the action.

Let us know how it goes.


-Speck

[Harley Quinn]

Great visual Speck!

Additionally if I want to feel indifferent then why should I care what he thinks of me?  What’s your thoughts?  Would blocking cause a reaction because that is the last thing I want, he's charismatic I don't want him to worm his way back into me in any shape or form.  But I can’t help myself looking, and he is playing games…. I know he is.

JNTT, this will be a boundary on yourself .  You recognise that he can't resist looking and that it has the potential to cause you pain, so choosing to block him is not about him, it is about you.  Whatever his feelings are about this, that is his to deal with.  An extract from an article here that I like to consider when thinking about what the purpose of no contact is:

"No Contact" is mostly about the non-borderline forcing "distance" into the relationship to help the non-borderline heal; to get the "space" needed to get over the hurt; get on with their lives.

The key elements of "No Contact" are

to get the partner out of your day-to-day life,

to stop thinking in terms of a relationship,

to take them out of your vision of the future,

to stop wondering about how they are perceiving everything you are doing, and

to stop obsessing with how they are reacting (or not reacting) or what they are doing.

These are the simple objectives of "No Contact". You may need to remind yourself every day of what you are trying to do. It takes focus and determination to do this - at a time when you probably just want to sit down and cry. Just keep reminding yourself that it takes great strength and determination to be emotionally healthy.

If that means putting a boundary on yourself so that you can't subject yourself to further hurt, then go ahead and block.  Your well being is what is most important in your choices from here on in.

Love and light x 

Full article can be found Here

   

[JustNeedToTalk]

He’s now unblocked me on Facebook. Commented on something right under me and today he messaged my best friend. Their last correspondence 3 months ago was a massive argument with her telling him never to contact me again.

I know he’s up to something. I have to stay strong.

[Speck]

Hello again, JNTT:

I know he’s up to something. I have to stay strong.

How are things going today? Are you staying strong?


-Speck

[JustNeedToTalk]

Hello again, JNTT:

How are things going today? Are you staying strong?


-Speck
[/quote]

Hi Speck,

Yeah I am, I haven't reacted to anything.  He's now blocked me again.  Don't know what he is up to and trying not to care.  This blocking / unblocking baffles me when I am not even attempting to reach out to him.  Any thoughts?

[Speck]

This blocking / unblocking baffles me when I am not even attempting to reach out to him.  Any thoughts?

Well, to know for sure, you'd have to ask him, I suppose... .but again, if this is truly an intentional ploy on his part to get you to bite... .your not doing so, only reinforces to him the boundaries set by you. Which is a good thing since your stated goal is to walk a detached path.

You're doing great!


-Speck

[JustNeedToTalk]

Well, to know for sure, you'd have to ask him, I suppose... .but again, if this is truly an intentional ploy on his part to get you to bite... .your not doing so, only reinforces to him the boundaries set by you. Which is a good thing since your stated goal is to walk a detached path.

You're doing great!


-Speck

Thanks for all your support and response Speck.  It’s really appreciated.

I know you are right and only he will know why he is doing what he is doing.  It can’t be indifference though, if it was and I was making no effort to contact him then why the blocking and unblocking, and contacting my best friend which he knew would tell me.  He used to make jokes about how much we told each other, even tell people that we tell each other everything, too much in fact.  Unless he really is that selfish and assumes that she is ready to be his friend.  He messaged her about her recent break up and I felt like saying you didn’t care about my heart when you snapped it in two so don’t pretend to care about my friends.

I have to admit his actions the past week or so have set me back a bit.  Blocking me, unblocking me, blocking me again, and commenting on something he knew I would see.  My thought process is going crazy.  My friends think he is trying to get a reaction from me and because he’s failed he’s blocked me again but kept them all unblocked, but of course left one means of communication open for me to contact him on social media – which will not be happening.

I think part of the detaching process for me now is realising it would be so easy to ask him what he is up to, but I can’t and I won’t, he chose to do the things he did to me and that has resulted in him not being part of my life.  Detaching for me now is realising that I just can’t let him be part of my life however much I miss him, ultimately I fear he would destroy me and I can’t go through that pain again, 3 months on and still recovering slowly.

I really do believe this is a ticking bomb though and I am just waiting for some direct contact considering he is failing elsewhere.  My actions, or should I say lack of, will be driving him crazy they will not be what he expected from me.

Thanks so much for your support everyone.

JNTT

[Speck]

JNTT!

Yes. It is incredibly hard to simply not care or think about what our exs are doing after spending so much time, energy, and mental real estate on them. It's almost a habit.

Did you know, with MUCH concerted effort, one can either make or break a habit in 28 days? Work with me, here: Start smoking... .28 days later, well, you're a new smoker. Abstain from smoking for 28 days, then, you're on your merry way to unlearning the habit. You no longer smell like a reeking ashtray, you no longer carry around a lighter, etc. Then, a magical thing starts to happen; a smoke-free 29th day comes, and things are easier, and then an even easier 30th day comes, and so on and so forth... .

But! Your smoke-free 29th day wouldn't have come if it weren't for the hard 28 days that preceded it. Don't ask me how I know all this... .

My point is this: You have been so strong with your NC boundaries and have maintained that this has been a good, healthy step for you to take, and I concur (because I believe you!). But, maybe now you can take the NC a step further in that whenever you feel like wondering what your ex is doing, stop yourself, and then replace the thought with something else, such as YOUR dreams for your awesome future.

Ideas:

* Your next vacation
* Your dream home
* Your ideal mate
* Your future kitten
* Your future professional pursuits
* Your next book
* Your newest musical artist
* Your next project

Do you think you can do this exercise for 28 days? When you feel like ruminating on your ex's latest stunts maybe you can carry around a little notepad and possibly write about your awesome YOU if you need to?

What do you think?

I no longer smoke.


-Speck

[JustNeedToTalk]

Thanks Speck.  That's great advice and I'm trying.  I've had an email.  I posted in a new thread.  He hates me.