What's it like when they see you with THEIR replacement?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Something that plays in the background for me a little is this idea of my STBx seeing me with someone else at a family event such as a funeral, or even at my house during one of her pop-in visits, at some point.

I'm not even close to dating yet, but I'm curious if anyone has had this sort of encounter with their ex-pwBPD and how it went.

I figure there'd be a lot of accusations of infidelity no matter how long after the breakup this encounter happens, because, of course, they have no ability to own that it was their own stuff that caused the demise of the relationship.

J 

[Jeffree]

Something that plays in the background for me a little is this idea of my STBx seeing me with someone else at a family event such as a funeral, or even at my house during one of her pop-in visits, at some point.

I'm not even close to dating yet, but I'm curious if anyone has had this sort of encounter with their ex-pwBPD and how it went.

I figure there'd be a lot of accusations of infidelity no matter how long after the breakup this encounter happens, because, of course, they have no ability to own that it was their own stuff that caused the demise of the relationship.

J 

[Shedd]

Omg. I have always wondered this about myself finding someone else. 

Part of me would want to parade my girl infront of her just to rub it in her face, but I know that's childish so I wouldn't really do that, haha! I think it's a normal feeling though.   

I honestly feel though that when that happens.  Somehow she's going to find out and start texting me again trying to break us up.  I just think the recycle will try to find it's way back, but if I find someone.  There is no way in hell I'd take her over my new gf.

She'd be trippin'.

[Seenowayout]

I haven't told my exBPDgf about my new relationship, because I don't want her in any way disturbing, tainting, scaring "her replacement".

Anyway -- exBPDgf called a few weeks ago saying she was getting married.  I was at my new gf's walking her dog.  ExBPDgf hears the dog barking in the background.  She asks me where I was.  I said at a friends.  She said girl or guy.  I said girl.  

What followed was an exquisite string of verbal abuse, accusations and texts, etc.  The one that stands out in my mind is how I ruined her life and stole all her dreams.

And we were discussing her impending marriage!

So I don't know if that paints a picture for you Jeffree, but there's one real life experience.

[BasementDweller]

In a weird twist I have seen some pwBPD try to befriend the replacement (believe it or not) maybe in an effort to drive a wedge between their ex and the new person, maybe to try to upstage the ex and gain some favor with the new person, or even out of a weird type of jealousy that the ex has a new person in their life and they want to suck up to that person too and be liked by them also. If they have painted you black and are convinced that they don't care about you, it almost becomes fun to make you squirm by befriending your new partner.

Weird, I know, but they are an odd lot. You never know what to expect.

[Jeffree]

What followed was an exquisite string of verbal abuse, accusations and texts, etc.  The one that stands out in my mind is how I ruined her life and stole all her dreams. And we were discussing her impending marriage!

That, oddly, is about what I would expect with mine, minus the impending marriage. I think after the failure of this relationship, since she is apparently so hurt that things didn't work out  , it will be quite some time before she starts parading someone around.

Part of me suspects she knows deep down inside she won't actually be able to do better than me in many significant ways and seeing me with someone new will incite nothing but venom from her.

J

[tiki]

It’s funny. He always used to say that I replaced him. Which I thought was so odd. I would say people don’t replace people. And that everybody is unique in a person’s life. What a case of projection.

I think he had jealousy he couldn’t handle. He shouldn’t have tried to be friends with me if he couldn’t handle it. I steered as far from provoking jealousy as possible. And as far as how they would handle it post discard I don’t think they care. Until someday maybe they do. From what I’ve read you’re dead to them?

[valet]

I think the important thing with moving on is that we're not looking to ask ourselves these kinds of questions once we've detached.

I'm sure that it would be different for each person and situation, not one size fits all.

Why do you ask, Jeffree?

[Jeffree]

Why do you ask, Jeffree?

Because I hear many tales of hurt here from those who feel replaced and I thought it might be useful to hear reactions from people’s experience when their pwBPD learns of their replacement.

Sort of a life on the other side examination.

J

[Insom]

Sort of a life on the other side examination.

Hi, Jeffree!  Yes, I can relate.  I'm here to process a relationship that ended over twenty years ago because I was feeling haunted by a spate of intense dreams and emerging memories.  I've felt A LOT of curiosity about my ex.  What's he doing?  How is he doing?  What does his life look like now?  One of the things that's helped me most is when people here redirected my questions about him toward myself.  How am I doing?  What am I doing?  What does my life look like now.  I'm not sure why redirecting my focus back to me has felt so powerful, but it's helped me a lot.

FWIW, i think Valet makes a good point:

I'm sure that it would be different for each person and situation, not one size fits all.

Since my relationship was so on-again, off-again (we were always courting or breaking up/never any middle) there were a couple of times when I did get to see him react to other people in my life.  One time he took a patronizing tone, "You have my blessing . . ."  Another time his reaction was angry/possessive, "What's he doing in my place!"    In both instances I felt like he was overstepping.

 

[Jeffree]

Insom,

I am not dating anyone, so there isn't much to redirect in this regard.

I'm not curious about my STBx because she was just at my house for a couple of days causing the usual drama between she and her bio kids who live with me. As usual she tried to call into question my parenting and "help" me parent them better, but I just let her talk right through me like she usually does.

The thought did cross my mind as to what kind of hell this would have been if I had a serious GF who also was to be included in my SD22's birthday dinner along with my STBx, but that seems so far in the distant future that I created this thread to see what others have experienced in this regard.

I really was just trying to open a dialogue here is all.

J

[Insom]

I really was just trying to open a dialogue here is all.

I hear you and am on your side!

Your situation is different from mine so your redirect is going to look different. 

What followed was an exquisite string of verbal abuse, accusations and texts, etc.  The one that stands out in my mind is how I ruined her life and stole all her dreams. And we were discussing her impending marriage!

That, oddly, is about what I would expect with mine, minus the impending marriage

It sounds like you have an inkling of what you can expect from your ex (verbal abuse, accusations, etc.). At the same time, you've gotten some feedback here that results can vary depending on the person and situation. 

How do you feel, as someone who's just starting to think about dating again, about introducing a new person into this mix?  What are some of the issues you foresee?