He's contacted me. I'd like to try again. How do I do this? (Part 2)

[Speck]

I hope I can keep up this settling down. It's hard though. But I don't want to ruin the way things are going now, so that helps as motivation.

You are totally right. I think he is right, at least to some extent. I overanalyse everything way too much and see problems where there are none. It is definitely a red flag for him, so I will try to let it go a little. I'm just so scared he will decide that he doesn't like me enough anyway and let me go again.

Well, understandably, you're quite a bit gun-shy based on your previous history. Makes total sense. However, since that old relationship died, this time you're starting this relationship anew, and it must feel that way to you and to him in order for things to progress in a more organic way.

Enjoy the process, and feel free bring your understandable anxiety here, rather than on your dates!

You're doing great!


-Speck

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[blooming]

Well, understandably, you're quite a bit gun-shy based on your previous history. Makes total sense. However, since that old relationship died, this time you're starting this relationship anew, and it must feel that way to you and to him in order for things to progress in a more organic way.

Enjoy the process, and feel free bring your understandable anxiety here, rather than on your dates!

You're doing great!


-Speck

It's very hard to not think of the old relationship because I can't act like this is the first time I'm dating him, like there's no history between us and I don't know so much about him already. Do you have any advice on how to view this as a new, separate relationship?

Pfffff I felt so good this morning because we had such a nice time together last night and this morning and I really felt like he was affectionate and liked being with me and I felt a bit confident about the whole situation for the first time. But now tonight happened. He said he was eating with housemates at about 7 p.m. and since then hasn't read or replied to my message even though he has been online on facebook and I think on whatsapp too. Why would that be? My immediate go-to thought is that he is with someone else and that he doesn't want to let that person see that he's messaging me. I hate that that's my go-to thought, that I still can't trust him. Even though yesterday, when we we're together, he replied to a message on whatsapp web around 8 p.m. and I was sitting next to him so I could see his chats and I saw that he hadn't spoken to any other girls as far as I could see (so at least not that entire day). That really gave me hope that I could really trust him when he said he isn't seeing anyone else. But now I'm worried again that he is. I really don't know how to stop myself from thinking these thoughts. I just don't understand why he can't just send a short reply or something. Because it's now already almost 10 p.m., so you would think that the dinner is over. Well, I hope he does still reply this evening and wishes me good night, otherwise I definitiely know enough... And even if he replies I still don't know if he's sincere or not, because it could be that he just went to the bathroom real quick to reply or something. This is so tough. I hate these thoughts.

[juju2]

Hi,

Am also trying to renew my r/s.

Guess I would say don't go into negative thoughts, if possible.

My b/f told me he is dating others.  We are separated for 1 year, and in counseling to see if we can create a new r/s.

It is so difficult to imagine him w someone else.

I have no control over that, him, or anything. Except myself and my life.

It doesn't help me to go down those paths.

I just have to be me, here and now.

Self care, doing things that increase my self esteem, and praying, reading here, finding some peace, calmness and strength
 
It's possible.  When i go into negative thinking, it makes me someone I don't know.

Blessings,

J

[Speck]

Hello, blooming:

I see what you are saying.

Do you have any advice on how to view this as a new, separate relationship?

No, but I do like what juju2 has shared about how she deals with negative thoughts:

I have no control over that, him, or anything. Except myself and my life.

It doesn't help me to go down those paths.

I just have to be me, here and now.

When i go into negative thinking, it makes me someone I don't know.

This is a really solid coping strategy! I know you're having a tough time, blooming. If you try the mental exercise above, perhaps, you can find some peace.

Wishing you only the best. Hang in there!


-Speck

[CryWolf]

Hey Blooming,
I know how it feels where Your mind starts things out of nowhere and it’s like it is trying to find any negative thing to prove that your partner is cheating or seeing someone else. It also is nerve racking not knowing “what are we” but at this moment you need to take things at a steady pace and rekindle the relationship naturally.

I know how bad you want to stop the intrusive/obsessive thoughts of him possibly cheating. In all honestly there is a possibility that everyone’s partner in the universe may cheat on them. But it all comes down to trust in the the end. It may be hard but you need to practice trusting his word. Try taking  few deep breathes whenever those thoughts come to mind.

[blooming]

Hi,

Am also trying to renew my r/s.

Guess I would say don't go into negative thoughts, if possible.

My b/f told me he is dating others.  We are separated for 1 year, and in counseling to see if we can create a new r/s.

It is so difficult to imagine him w someone else.

I have no control over that, him, or anything. Except myself and my life.

It doesn't help me to go down those paths.

I just have to be me, here and now.

Self care, doing things that increase my self esteem, and praying, reading here, finding some peace, calmness and strength
 
It's possible.  When i go into negative thinking, it makes me someone I don't know.

Blessings,

J

Hi J,

Wow, your attitude towards the whole situation is very admiring. I'm trying to do/think just like you, but am just having a difficult time doing it. Because of how hard I find it to let go I am realising more and more how that was part of what went wrong between us. Of course, his BPD behaviour was very hard to deal with, but I wasn't the easiest person too. When something was wrong with me I either told him way too early or too much (mostly about my insecurities and body image) or I didn't tell him enough (because I didn't want to upset him or something). This was a red flag for him. I am trying to change my behaviour and be a better (potential) girlfriend, but letting go of control is just difficult.

[blooming]

Hey Blooming,
I know how it feels where Your mind starts things out of nowhere and it’s like it is trying to find any negative thing to prove that your partner is cheating or seeing someone else. It also is nerve racking not knowing “what are we” but at this moment you need to take things at a steady pace and rekindle the relationship naturally.

I know how bad you want to stop the intrusive/obsessive thoughts of him possibly cheating. In all honestly there is a possibility that everyone’s partner in the universe may cheat on them. But it all comes down to trust in the the end. It may be hard but you need to practice trusting his word. Try taking  few deep breathes whenever those thoughts come to mind.

Hi CryWolf,

Yeah, and it's kind of unfair to him too. Because I'm basing these doubts about his trustworthiness almost only on things he has done in the past, before our relationship started. I don't think it's fair to hold his past against him in that way. He was having a very difficult time back then, with him cutting contact with his father and his mother being very ill. Who says he hasn't changed now? I think I should give him the benefit of the doubt in that aspect.

I just hope that this unclear and vague situation will not last too long, because there's only so much of it I can handle. Whenever I'm with him things are fine, but because we don't see eachother very often now (once a week on average) there is a lot of time when I'm not with him and that's hard. Because via whatsapp you can easily interpret things differently and our way of communicating is now so very different then from when we first started dating/during our relationship. Then we talked all day long, now it's mostly that someone sends the first message late in the afternoon or early in the evening, so we don't hear from eachother as much as we used to. I don't know what to think of this. Also, when we first started dating we saw eachother a lot more than now. But our lives are different from back then, especially his life, he is a lot busier than he used to be, so maybe I shouldn't think too much of it.

[juju2]

Hi Blooming

You can do it.

It takes practice.

The other thing I am doing is I signed up for 2 classes at comm college.  Also I volunteer 2 times or more, each month for something I believe in.
Both of those activities boost my self worth, self esteem, and it gets me out of my own head.

I took me probably 3 months of all of this action, to get out of my head, starting to see who I am.

All of this makes me more attractive to the world,
I see things opening up, my universe is expanding.  I smile more.  I laugh more.  I am not so serious.

Also, should let you know that i go to al-anon, am co dependent.  that program, working the steps, going to meetings, and working w my sponsor helps greatly.  I can see my character flaws.

I get to design who I am going to be and how am going to live... . it's freeing.

I have hope now.

You can do anything!
j

[blooming]

Hi Blooming

You can do it.

It takes practice.

The other thing I am doing is I signed up for 2 classes at comm college.  Also I volunteer 2 times or more, each month for something I believe in.
Both of those activities boost my self worth, self esteem, and it gets me out of my own head.

I took me probably 3 months of all of this action, to get out of my head, starting to see who I am.

All of this makes me more attractive to the world,
I see things opening up, my universe is expanding.  I smile more.  I laugh more.  I am not so serious.

Also, should let you know that i go to al-anon, am co dependent.  that program, working the steps, going to meetings, and working w my sponsor helps greatly.  I can see my character flaws.

I get to design who I am going to be and how am going to live... . it's freeing.

I have hope now.

You can do anything!
j

You're doing a great job J, keep it up! My life is quite full even if my ex isn't in it, so I guess I'm doing okay in that aspect too. I study biology at uni, work at an ice cream parlour, volunteer at the local music venue, row at my rowing association, take singing lessons and have quite a few friends I can hang out with.

[blooming]

Pfff I hate how he is giving such mixed signals and how he can get sulky and grumpy at me from one moment to the other, I really do not know how to deal with that at the moment because everything is so fragile at the moment. So everytime I do something slightly wrong in his eyes I'm scared that it will be the last straw.

For example, Thursday evening I was having dinner with a friend, but I was done quite early, so I kind of hinted to him that I was free the rest of the evening. He suggested getting an ice cream. This made me really happy, because it was him who suggested it, which means he wants to see me too and it's not just mee asking if we can hang out. After the ice cream we watched a movie together and I stayed over at his place. He was really tired and had an exam the next morning, so we just cuddled and fell asleep. The next morning he gave me the keys to his house so that I could take care of his plants and fish while he is away on holiday next week. I thought that was a really good sign!

But then yesterday evening he was hanging out with a friend (I was too) and he hardly replied to my messages. Whereas in the past he would reply quite quickly, even if he was with friends, now he only replied after 3 hours. I think this might be because he doesn't want his friends to know that he's seeing me again? Because I'm quite sure he hasn't told them yet. Also he started complaining about the friends I was hanging out with, because I know them from my rowing association (I met my ex there too, but he suddenly started hating the place in the course of our relationship and now always complains a lot whenever I do anything that has to do with the rowing association). I thought that was quite hypocritical, since he knows all his friends from there too, including the one he was with, but I didn't say that. I just don't know how to deal with him when he thinks I'm doing something wrong or hanging out with the wrong people. I want to do things right in his eyes, to reduce the risk of him deciding to leave me again.

Any advice on this?

[CryWolf]

I study biology at uni

Me too!  

I know how you feel when you want to do “right in their eyes” but I strongly feel like this is impossible. We can’t always please people and hold their opinion of us above our own. It’s difficult but you need to make yourself a priority.

I can sense you have a lot of anxiety and I mean that with the uttermost respect because I did too when me and my pwBPD were together. I would over analyze every little text or detail or moment we had. “Did I do this right?” “Omg if I don’t do this or say this then they will leave me” “if I don’t say goodmorning then she won’t talk to me”. And your mind gets in this state of “fog”. At times our anxiety starts to cause problems when there isn’t any to begin with. We focus too much on minor or nonexistent things that we end up causing what we are most afraid of.


He iniated to get Ice cream and you guys cuddled and had an intimate moment together. This is amazing news! I think him giving you his keys to his place is a huge step forward for your relationship.


Where you stated, “he replied only after 3 hours”. I can sense how anxious you are because you are counting the hours it took for a reply back. I know how you feel because we’ve all been there. You guys were spending time with friends and shouldn’t be constantly on your phones when with other people. It is rude and he  most likely was not texting for that reason. I know you want to text him as much as possible but you also need to understand that space away from each other  is very critical to keeping a relationship alive. It allows the other person to miss you and that is the best gift that you can give someone. Doesn’t it feel amazing when someone misses you and wonders about you? This is something I am learning myself. We have a lot in common, Blooming. I strongly suggest you work on your anxiety. I’ve been seeing a therapist my uni offers for my anxiety and it is helping tremendously. Does your school have a therapist you can see and just talk to?

You shouldn’t stop being friends with people your partner doesn’t approve of. Unless it becomes a problem as in intimacy or cheating. Or they promote unsafe and detrimental lifestyles. People in a relationship don’t have to have the same friends or same lifestyles. A relationship is composed of two different people with 2 diferent goals, helping another achieve it.

I know you’re afraid he’s going to cheat on you or leave you and I strongly believe you need to work on these fears because it will only push him away in the long run.

I’m sorry if I was a little straight forward in this response.

[blooming]

Me too!  

Ah cool! I love studying it! What's the field that interests you most?

I know how you feel when you want to do “right in their eyes” but I strongly feel like this is impossible. We can’t always please people and hold their opinion of us above our own. It’s difficult but you need to make yourself a priority.

I can sense you have a lot of anxiety and I mean that with the uttermost respect because I did too when me and my pwBPD were together. I would over analyze every little text or detail or moment we had. “Did I do this right?” “Omg if I don’t do this or say this then they will leave me” “if I don’t say goodmorning then she won’t talk to me”. And your mind gets in this state of “fog”. At times our anxiety starts to cause problems when there isn’t any to begin with. We focus too much on minor or nonexistent things that we end up causing what we are most afraid of.

Yes that's definitely what's happening. My ex (should I still call him my ex? I don't know) has told me that multiple times, also during our relationship, that I create problems that didn't exist to begin with, because of my anxiety. I'm just so scared to do something wrong or that he things in a negative way of me that I kind of cause what I'm scared of to happen. It's a really annoying vicious circle. I really try to live in the moment now and to not think too much about him and why he doesn't contact me as much or why he does certain things or what he means by certain things, but it's just hard. I have the tendency to overanalyse everything, especially when it comes to this relationship. At least, when we were still together, I knew that he loved me and wanted to be me because he told me all the time and he made me feel safe and secure. Now there is non of that security, which makes me scared that he could leave me at any moment if I just make one misstep or say one thing too many. And the hardest part is that at the moment I can't ask him to give me that security because I would pressure him too much and he doesn't know what he wants.

He iniated to get Ice cream and you guys cuddled and had an intimate moment together. This is amazing news! I think him giving you his keys to his place is a huge step forward for your relationship.

Yes, I thought so too! All very good moments! The fact that he trusts me like that is a very good sign I think.

Where you stated, “he replied only after 3 hours”. I can sense how anxious you are because you are counting the hours it took for a reply back. I know how you feel because we’ve all been there. You guys were spending time with friends and shouldn’t be constantly on your phones when with other people. It is rude and he  most likely was not texting for that reason. I know you want to text him as much as possible but you also need to understand that space away from each other  is very critical to keeping a relationship alive. It allows the other person to miss you and that is the best gift that you can give someone. Doesn’t it feel amazing when someone misses you and wonders about you? This is something I am learning myself. We have a lot in common, Blooming. I strongly suggest you work on your anxiety. I’ve been seeing a therapist my uni offers for my anxiety and it is helping tremendously. Does your school have a therapist you can see and just talk to?

You're right, we shouldn't constantly be on our phones. It's just that there's such a contrast with what our relationship used to be like and it's hard that he seems so much less interested in me now. But you are right, missing someone is very important. I'm really curious to see if he will miss me in the coming week, when he's in holiday. He probably won't tell me though, because he hasn't really said anything like that to me yet in this current recycle, he hasn't given me a single compliment yet. It just feels like he isn't very interested in me and what I'm doing.

I am seeing a therapist, but it's not really for my anxiety, but for my lack of confidence and my negative mindset when it comes to thinking of myself. I'm seeing my therapist again this Tuesday, I'll discuss the anxiety with her.

You shouldn’t stop being friends with people your partner doesn’t approve of. Unless it becomes a problem as in intimacy or cheating. Or they promote unsafe and detrimental lifestyles. People in a relationship don’t have to have the same friends or same lifestyles. A relationship is composed of two different people with 2 diferent goals, helping another achieve it.

I know you’re afraid he’s going to cheat on you or leave you and I strongly believe you need to work on these fears because it will only push him away in the long run.

I’m sorry if I was a little straight forward in this response.

No I will definitely not stop being friends with them because he'd like that! There is nothing wrong with those people, the only reason he dislikes them is because I know them from the rowing association he despises so much (even though he has had 3 amazing years there). It is annoying though, that I can't spend time with my friends without him complaining about it and making snide remarks and ruining part of my enjoyment.

You are right, I definitely need to work on those fears. I do have to say that I didn't have them when we were first together, because he didn't give me a reason to think those thoughts. He was very affectionate and I could tell him anything and he would always react very nicely, saying he'd always be there for me and that he loved me. There's none of that secureness now, it's all so fragile.

[blooming]

He is now on holiday as of yesterday evening. The last contact we had was at around 7 p.m. last night. After that I messaged him good night and that I hoped he had arrived safely, but he hasn't read that or replied to it, even though he has been online on facebook (it's now 09:30 a.m.). I just find it so confronting that he doesn't have the need to contact me to tell me that he has arrived and to wish me good night. It's so different from what our relationship used to be like. It's clear evidence that I don't mean as much to him as I used to and that I'm not on his mind that much. It sucks. I'm also pretty sure he hasn't told any of his friends, nor his family, that we're dating again, which is also kinda hard.

(I'm using this thread as some sort of diary now I guess haha)

[juju2]

Hi,

for me, it doesnt mean anything.

I do that too, and really, I don't know what he is doing/thinking.

If i can make no assumptions, not make up a story.  When i make up a story, my mind goes into crazy making.  Because that story influences my attitude, and now, based on this story, I act a certain way. 

If i can resist, and just stick w facts.  Like, he called thursday.  We talked, it was interesting to me, and he shared what is going on in his life, I shared what is going on in my life.  We made plans to have coffee thursday at 8:15pm at our usual place.

Leave it at that, I stop my stories. 

I have to journal sometimes and write down what happened.  Not my story ABOUT what happened.
Just what happened.  I can be free from my stories.

Hang in there!

j

[blooming]

Hi,

for me, it doesnt mean anything.

I do that too, and really, I don't know what he is doing/thinking.

If i can make no assumptions, not make up a story.  When i make up a story, my mind goes into crazy making.  Because that story influences my attitude, and now, based on this story, I act a certain way. 

If i can resist, and just stick w facts.  Like, he called thursday.  We talked, it was interesting to me, and he shared what is going on in his life, I shared what is going on in my life.  We made plans to have coffee thursday at 8:15pm at our usual place.

Leave it at that, I stop my stories. 

I have to journal sometimes and write down what happened.  Not my story ABOUT what happened.
Just what happened.  I can be free from my stories.

Hang in there!

j

You're right, I need to stop filling in what he's thinking. The problem is that I know him pretty well by now so when I analyse his behaviour or the way he messages me, most of the time it's right. It's just clearly so different, the way we communicate now and the way we used to. I wished him good night again last night and he didn't even wish good night back, just talked about something else.

I'll try to stick to the facts more and not let my mind wander as much, creating problems that might not even exist. His response to me wishing him a good night was that he was ill, so he probably just wasn't thinking clearly.

I just really can't handle all this uncertainty, I wish I could just look inside his head and find out what he's thinking so that I'd know what I can expect. Because if it won't work between us again, I'd rather know now than later.

[gotbushels]

If i can make no assumptions, not make up a story.  When i make up a story, my mind goes into crazy making.  Because that story influences my attitude, and now, based on this story, I act a certain way. 

If i can resist, and just stick w facts. 

Neat catches juju2-- thank you for sharing. Sometimes our minds drift and we get carried away with our own thoughts. When we get stuck in the drift--tangled--that's when we risk ruminating a bit much. And yes, I do share your thinking that consciously returning to the facts can help us in these situations.

[juju2]

i get that.

I want to know too.

really, it is about me and what I want.

If i can let go.  of my agenda, how it has to be, why is this, that, happening, instead of x,y,z.?  Again, when i allow those destructive thoughts that no one can prove, I go into crazy, someone i dont know.  My attitude is my compass, and i have to check my attitude... .it is a daily, hourly, minute by minute sometimes, task... .

My attitude determines so much: outlook, actions, plans, who I am being.  Only I can control my attitude.  I am not making myself wrong, am just noticing, what is my attitude now.  I get quiet, close my eyes, breathe.  What is going on with me.

If i go into crazy thinking about what he may be thinking or doing, I'm confused and can't be present in my own life.

It's a skill I am learning.   Not making assumptions.doing the next right thing.

Bad thoughts and bad feelings will pass, if i don't dwell or wallow in them... .if I can look forward to something I enjoy, self care, getting my hair done, something anything.

I go to al anon, am recovering co dependent.

a lot of what i am going thru is a prison I created.

things get better.  

j

[CryWolf]

Ah cool! I love studying it! What's the field that interests you most?

mental health . Pursuing pharmacy and hopefully research medications that include mental health in the future or in a hospital setting.

Neat catches juju2-- thank you for sharing. Sometimes our minds drift and we get carried away with our own thoughts. When we get stuck in the drift--tangled--that's when we risk ruminating a bit much. And yes, I do share your thinking that consciously returning to the facts can help us in these situations.

This is the worst. you see something, and then you wonder and think of a million diff things and you spiral. then you feel like poop. not the best thing. Focus on whats in front of you and keep taking deep breathes. i know its difficult. it causes physical pain in your chest.

I wished him good night again last night and he didn't even wish good night back, just talked about something else.

Ive been through this. I would text my ex, "goodnight my love" or goodmorning and id get "night" or "morning" or instead of a goodmorning back, id get her complaining about traffic and how people at our school cant drive and etc and in a crisis mode. and in my mind my anxiety is going haywire because shes in crisis mode. it feels terrible feeling invalidated. Im not sure if the pwBPD does it on purpose or what.