The stress of going on holidays

[1hope]

Hi everyone,
My husband, son and I are going on a vacation. Our BPDD19 is not coming with us, for the first time ever.  She moved out suddenly in September.  When we booked the trip in November, she was taking a college bridge course.  We thought she would be either attending college or working now.  In December, she suddenly told us she was going back to high school to upgrade (so she now has the same Break as we do... .).  Our last family vacation was not a good one for her. She didn't deal well with much, preferring to stay in the hotel room. 

Although we were worried about how she would take the news about our trip, we spoke to our therapist about strategies, and told her several weeks ago.  She handled it pretty well at the time.  We explained our reasoning about the college/work plans, and she seemed to understand. 

I have been doing pretty well with the anxiety level about leaving her here, but as the trip approaches it's getting harder.  Our therapist has worked through it with us too.  I know that worrying won't change anything, or prevent anything.  We have both sets of grandparents (they live in the same city) available as needed.  They plan to touch base with her, and hopefully get together with her too.  We plan to take her for groceries before we go, and will email while away.  We have a plan in our phone so she will be able to call/text if needed. 

Tonight, she called to tell us that the social assistance that she applied for has been out on hold, as they need something for her file.  She received part of a payment for last month, but will not have rent money for tomorrow. She has texted her landlord to let him know.  She plans to call the social assistance office in the morning.  These are all good things, I know.  She is taking responsibility for things in her world.

We leave for our trip in about 10 days... .so now the stress amps up for us.  She seems to be doing what she needs to do, but I'm feeling a need for the rent to be settled.  We can't pay it, or she might lose her assistance.  I know I need to sit back and wait.  As I'm typing this, I'm reassuring myself.  This is a great place to think things through!

Any thoughts?  Anyone else been here, done that? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[dubiousraves]

I know how you feel. My daughter would always say she would be fine if we went away for a few days and encourage us to go but within a day of our leaving she would completely fall apart and call us incessantly at all hours crying and raging on about supposed ways we did not love and support her. We also took her grocery shopping beforehand and made sure she knew who to call. It didn’t seem to help.

The last time we went away, and like you I was really nervous, we set up a regular appointment time to talk everyday for a certain amount of time. Knowing she had a fixed time to “see” us on Skype seemed to help. I think it felt less like we had disappeared off the face of the earth. She was still sort of anxious and glum during the calls but she got through it and we enjoyed our time away.

[1hope]

Thanks for the tip!  I like that idea! 

[Hyacinth Bucket]

I'm so glad you're going on your trip!

The daily appt to talk is a good idea! For our trip in December I sent my daughter to visit her aunt for a few days. Someone had also suggested sending her flowers or something like that while you're gone so she knows you're thinking of her.

Have a wonderful time!

[wendydarling]

Oh, 1hope you so deserve your holiday!  I can't think of anything else to suggest.

This is a first time away, it is a big deal, we understand your concern, you've carefully thought and worked this through with DD, family are on the ground.

As your therapist says, DD manages her way she'll have success under her belt.

How long are you away? I'm very excited for you 

Have a wonderful time 

WDx 

PS I'm sure we'll see you here walking the board before you leave 

[1hope]

Wendydarling,
We had a nice afternoon/dinner with DD last night.  She seemed to be in a "good place".  She still is not interacting/getting along with her roommates, but seems to have strategies for getting out and doing things to keep herself busy. 
She finally applied for, and was approved for, social assistance this month. She received a partial payment from February, and was to receive an additional cheque for March.  Unfortunately, there was a problem at their end with submitting info, and the cheque was delayed.  As a result, her rent is late, and she has been charged an NSF fee.  We don't think she knows about this yet (it's a joint account that we set up with her for school).  She dealt very well with the late cheque... .notified her landlord by text, and was quite calm.  A step forward, as at one point she wouldn't have been able to handle this!  I complimented her on this progress. 

[wendydarling]

1hope,   I hope things are still calm as your holiday approaches. It sounds your DD is benefiting from your emotional support, brings calm that's what I find. I can only describe it as I've become my DD's touch stone, responsibility clearly lies with her, she knows that, she also knows when she's stuck I'll be there to support her as she straightens herself out yet again and gets back on track and succeeds.

We've both been there with them in their darkest of times, how are you feeling today?

WDx

[1hope]

Wendydarling,
I'm glad to say that our vacation was fantastic!  DD called just a day prior, upset about a friend of hers (undiagnosed BPD), that had broken up with her boyfriend.  The friend was in a terrible state.  DD was upset, but didn't end up joining in the spiral, as she would have done in the past.  DD called the friend's mom instead.  Then she called to touch base with me.  I used validation, and SET!  Thankfully this worked, and we left on vacation without a huge cloud of worry hanging over us!

While we were away, we texted each day, and DD FaceTimed us twice.  She went out with friends, and visited with my mom.  Whew! 

We had a nice visit when we got back, and took her for groceries (she paid for herself). 

Baby steps... .

[wendydarling]

1hope, that's wonderful news! I'm delighted you had a fantastic holiday, first time away without DD is a biggie, this is a great success to build upon, the thoughtful preparation you put in paid off and I hope gives you and her confidence for future trips away. And she dealt with her friends emotional crisis the day before you departed, she responded positively to your validation and SET. That's some going, go you! 

Did she sort out her housing assistance ok, do things feel relatively calm, steady?

WDx

[1hope]

Wendydarling,
Yes, she did get her social assistance figured out.  Thanks for asking!  We still need to add to the money she gets, as it only covers her rent and groceries, but nothing else.  We have agreed to pay for her phone bill each month, and are getting her a bus pass so she can get around. 
This week she had a job interview, and has another one tomorrow.  She seems to be feeling very positive.  She has found out about an available apartment in her building, and is looking to switch to it in the hopes that she will find a more positive relationship with the students living there.  (It's the room of her friend that broke up with her boyfriend and has decided to move back home.)
DD also went to a group at the mental health centre... .it's based on DBT I believe. 
Baby steps... .

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Wow I'm so glad you had a great trip! And it sounds like your daughter is taking really responsible steps to care for herself. So fantastic

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

As HB says it does sound like she's taking responsibility, moving in the right direction, organising herself at her pace, job, health, accommodation, all good stuff.

Small steps as you say and day by day 1hope.

WDx]

[1hope]

I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic, but I have this one thing niggling at the back of my mind.   She's been talking about how well she's doing, how she is feeling etc.  I asked her what she attributed this to, and she said she doesn't think she has BPD anymore... .that it was just symptoms brought on by the meds she was on. (She isn't on any meds now... .she quit without medical advice, and hasn't been to the psychiatrist since the summer.). She does have an appointment with him next month, and I'm encouraging her to go so she can ask him about this theory.
I still see some of the traits... .difficulties with relating to others, fear of abandonment (she seeks peer groups that are on the fringes to avoid rejection), emotional immaturity, black and white thinking... .
Anyone else been through this?