He says he won't live under this roof again with me

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

We just spoke on the phone. He is saying the usual things. He says he has his sister "already looking for a new person for him to be with". "He is totally over me". "It is over". I have heard this many times. We set a time to talk again on Sunday. He does sound determined. I don't know if I am being a fool or not... .but I don't want to make major life decisions when he is in this state. He says he will not see me in person ever again. He wants me to take his offer and go.

I am wiling to talk to a mediator. I told him his lawyer (our former mutual friend) cannot be involved in this. Although I have heard this all before, this person giving him a place to stay this day could be the thing that finally breaks us. I can fight the divorce, but... .I don't know. It's not about the money offer for me right now. But if he wants to do it that way I need money to move back. He is being impulsive, extreme, cycling... .

This is horrible. He says he won't live under this roof again with me. I wonder if he can do things like remove furnishings... .probably not. We'll see... .I am not quitting my job for now, paltry as it is.

I feel edgy.

[pearlsw]

We just spoke on the phone. He is saying the usual things. He says he has his sister "already looking for a new person for him to be with". "He is totally over me". "It is over". I have heard this many times. We set a time to talk again on Sunday. He does sound determined. I don't know if I am being a fool or not... .but I don't want to make major life decisions when he is in this state. He says he will not see me in person ever again. He wants me to take his offer and go.

I am wiling to talk to a mediator. I told him his lawyer (our former mutual friend) cannot be involved in this. Although I have heard this all before, this person giving him a place to stay this day could be the thing that finally breaks us. I can fight the divorce, but... .I don't know. It's not about the money offer for me right now. But if he wants to do it that way I need money to move back. He is being impulsive, extreme, cycling... .

This is horrible. He says he won't live under this roof again with me. I wonder if he can do things like remove furnishings... .probably not. We'll see... .I am not quitting my job for now, paltry as it is.

I feel edgy.

[JoeBPD81]

Wow pearl!

I had no idea! 

I would be staining my pants if I were in your place, but you show a lot of courage even in the midst of fear. I think most of us have gone through a lot of times when they said everything was over, only to act like nothing happened a week later. But of course, everytime we are forced to wonder "Is this time for real?"

I'm very sorry you are going through this, and feeling so displaced with your family living far. Do you also have people that are local? We are here to listen and support.

Stay strong and use your super-powers of mindfulness. Let us know how we can help.

Un abrazo fuerte!

[pearlsw]

Gracias mi amigo! Estoy bien mas or menos.

He agreed to meet in person tomorrow at a neutral location. We will see how it goes. It is so hard because if he did not have these issues... .I don't know. I hate sudden breakups. They make no sense. I have only known people with BPD traits to be this sudden and out of the blue about them. It is a real shock to the system.

With his issues if we do break I am sure we won't remain friends. But knowing about this illness I think I won't take it as badly as I have in the past. This will be a hard, hard breakup, but having this site will help me from falling apart. (I hope! )

Oh, he just called and wants to meet in 20 minutes at the restaurant nearby. I am nervous to see him. I don't want to fight. I am going to try to channel all my skills from here. He has verbal patterns that lead to arguments because he interrupts, is impatient, and on an on... .but I will try to use the skills! Hope it is at least amicable.

check in again later... .

[JoeBPD81]

Best of luck!

[Tattered Heart]

How scary that he has been routing calls to himself. I'm so glad you got a phone that you are able to use. Very smart.

Please let us know how things go.

[DaddyBear77]

Hey pearls - it’s been an hour. Everything ok?

Glad you met in public. Trust your instincts.

[Meili]

  Pearls

I want to join the others in saying that you sound strong through all of this. We are proud of you.

[pearlsw]

Hey guys,

Back from the talk. Can't say it went great. He did manage to let me speak with only a few interruptions. He insists it is over. He also tried to assure me he will not hurt me. He noticed I was fearful when he came the other day. I am not so much afraid of him as just the whole situation has made me anxious. I don't think he would hurt me, but you never know. Oh, he did say he would harm himself before he ever harmed me.

I don't know. There was really nothing new in the entire conversation. We have this same scenario before. The only new thing is he won't come into the apartment. I get that. If I really wanted a break up I might not put myself into a situation where you could fall back into having sex and then... .who knows.

I don't know if I am off base here. I know cycles are unpredictable, but my basic position is this: I will not agree to a divorce when he is in this state. I don't know how much time to give this, but... .I will not do it when he is like this... .but this cycle could be over by next week or next month or never? This could be a plan he wants to hold to. How would I know?

It is okay with me of course if someone wants to end a relationship, but I just don't feel good doing it now after he's suddenly cycled like this. He of course is totally convinced of his current reality and says the last weeks were an illusion. He says he has no other option but to end things.

I really don't want to be what triggers him to suffer. But... .it is so hard. This is just uncharted break up territory for me. I have my life long set of principles, but I find I don't know how to apply them with him - I never had the chance to with all that I've been put through with his cycles.

I could be sitting alone in this apartment for awhile... .I don't know how long. He can't throw me out of it. He doesn't seem to be taking any immediate legal action - it's expensive and he's broke. That is a part of his stress now.  Poor guy.

Um... .I know we don't tell each other to run or stay, and none of us quite know what the other folk's full stories are, but... .I just... .I can't do this when he is like this. I have seen this too many times to believe it. On the other hand, how would I ever know if he did want to end things? How would I know? At most I can stall this for two - three years actually. But he swears he will never come to this apartment to live ever again. He wouldn't even come and check on the phones. He "swears to God" he did not do anything to them, but this is two different people that tried to call me locally that could not. I don't know how to test and see if anyone else can call either of the numbers here. Shoot. Who can I even ask to dial my local number? I can find someone to dial the international number. I have a US based phone number so folks in the US can call me and it is just like calling within in the US. I gotta try to figure this out. Hmmm.

Anyway, I get it, if he really feels this way and does not want to be around me or see me that's a fair choice. But at first today he said he would never see me in person again and then he met me. But I think he is just desperately trying to avoid giant legal bills and toss me out quick so he can set up with someone else. I swear, I don't know how his friends and family actually try to find him a new wife within a day after a breakup and before a divorce is even filed but they do. (He comes from a culture that does arranged marriages. His previous one was one.)

I should have asked the free lawyer more about what a separation means. She said if we can not live together we can arrange that. And since he has this free place to live... .I dunno. I guess he can live there.

I am so confused. And he wonders why our marriage broke down at points. Who can live like this? I just wish I had never made any mistakes with things  so that wasn't always a recurring issue. I don't toss it at him that he always breaks up and tells me is already looking for/talking to other women. He says it as if it is so real and then later will say it wasn't. Who knows. I am not jealous so I honestly don't care that much although it is meant to hurt me... .but still... .it is just odd and sad and destructive.

Well, at least I know that I am living here alone. I will just keep looking for work here and in the US. I have  the outline of a plan to return to the US and I have ideas of what he can put in his offer to make it something that works for me and is hopefully not too hard on him. I would really leave and ask nothing if I could. But I don't want to be a fool. I need help to make sure I am not homeless if it gets to that... .

I know what I am seeing. It is an illness - or more than one? But on the other hand he can break up with me for any reason he wants and me him... .so how do I know when to just say, okay, you can have your divorce. This would mess up my immigration status here and ruin it for me if I make any changes too fast before I am sure this is the end. They changes would be irreversible. He was just making plans to propose to me and buy me a ring... .to renew the whole thing. Oh, god, and I think he hasn't been working this whole week. He was not at work today. He is not functioning and this is not the first time. I want to do the fairest, most principled thing I can think of. But what is that?

I don't know. I just don't know.

[pearlsw]

Thanks everyone. I think I can take it easy for the rest of today. It is a stalemate. I just hate to see him hating me so much. Being love/hated is not easy. How long should I wait to see if he levels back out? In the past he stopped talking to me for a month very suddenly, but we got back together, but that was early on. This is much more complicated! How will I know when/if to just let him go with him having this illness?

[Meili]

As I say to people on Saving, it sounds trite, but as long as you have hope, there is hope.

So, how long do you wait? Until you no longer have hope.

If he's serious about permanently ending things, he will. That is totally out of your control. But, you can be the most attractive you that you can be and improve your chances that he isn't serious about following through on the threats.

[pearlsw]

Oh Meilli, Thanks for that advice! I still have a bit of hope. I will wait a bit. I wish he wasn't taking things so far and I am afraid of the impact of being out of sight/out of mind.

Thanks to all of you for being here and helping me to validate reality. That is so hard about all of this, the way it breaks reality. I swear as I sit here now on the couch I can picture looking over to my left at him and him just rapturously in love. He could barely walk to the other room without running back saying how much he missed me.

I blew it a little with him by using "logic" but he seemed fairly calm even though his face has changed... .he has had a rough week... .I could see extra lines... .and a tiredness. We have conversations that pre-date me coming to the site... .He did online tests and sometimes relates to the idea of having BPD... .But not so much today. But I had to put it out there. I told him I have to have time to see if balances out again or he really means it. I just said it directly. I get so tired of him bringing up things we've resolved and throwing them at me again I was definitely on edge. You never get to put an issue entirely behind you. We had in the white phase. We were all about starting a fresh new phase and putting our past mistakes behind us... .but when he is like this it is as if you never resolved anything.

Anyway... .thank you again because no one else gets what this stuff is like and it is so special to have a place like this where we are understood!

[Meili]

The fear of being out of sight and out of mind is very natural. We've all experienced it at one point or another. But, look at the facts, his actions; he's shown you that you are not out of his mind. 

[pearlsw]

I don't know how long I was on the phone, or how much stuff he threw at me, or how I did it... .

but he now says he loves me forever and he is packing his stuff and coming home.

Didn't see that coming did ya?

vamos a ver... .we'll see.

I'll keep ya posted. Reveal how I did it later... .

[heartandwhole]

Well, that was a fast turnaround.    You are being incredibly strong and patient. Keep us posted, pearlsw. 

[JoeBPD81]

Well the mystery is intriguing, but the results are great, enjoy them!