He wants me gone before the kids and their mom come on Monday.

[pearlsw]

Thanks all! 

He said on Tuesday to prepare to go back to US. He wants me gone before the kids (and their mom? -- a bizarre new twist) come on Monday. Day before I was woman of his dreams.

He was triggered by me typing. I could not let him see as I was on this site. When I would not show what I was doing... .and said I was writing to myself in a journal he was set off... .

I am trying to self-soothe. I can't even hear details of what odd things he is hatching. Hope this crisis ends soon. Been calling hotlines - all I have for now. More when I can... .p.

[pearlsw]

he just handed me divorce papers and pressuring me to sign. sign uninformed/without representation.

[heartandwhole]

You don't have to sign, pearlsw. Don't let him pressure you. You need time to get advice and support.

Do you have anywhere you can go to clear your head?  

[Kwamina]

I am very sorry you're going through this pearlsw

he just handed me divorce papers and pressuring me to sign. sign uninformed/without representation.

You indeed don't have to sign, remember this from the article about fear, obligtion and guilt:
":)on’t respond the moment a demand is made. Give yourself time to think and assess the matter.  We want to respond - not react."

[DaddyBear77]

pearls, you are a very strong person. Don’t give in to the emotional pressure. And stay safe no matter what. Sending you strength and hope 

[Meili]

Pearls, I hope that things look better this morning. Heart and Kwamina are right, you want to respond, not react. Don't feel pressured to sign anything that you do not want to sign.

Deep breathes... .

[pearlsw]

Thank you everyone! No, I won't sign, not under such circumstances. I feel shaky though. I always lose my appetite and start to forget what food even is.

I've been listening to monks chanting on YouTube and other uplifting/balancing to get through this crisis to keep my mind in order. This is going to be a strange one, this episode... .I really am at a loss. It's like a disease that just keeps morphing... .The ex-wife component is throwing me for a loop. He is a jealous person and so is she... .I imagine she has to be staying with other friends she may still have nearby if she is really coming along and not under the same roof with us, but who knows. They fight a lot so this is not making sense to me, but I'm guessing it is meant as a form of insult and to terrorize and manipulate me I guess? Or something he or the kids came up with? A lie? No idea. I just throw my hands up to the universe.

I've been calling hotlines to feel so not alone, but I'm not always a fit and they don't get this stuff... .Can't come onto this site much right now... .he is around a lot this week, working from home more than usual... .

Tonight he went to dinner at his brother's nearby. He is calling on all of his enablers. We'll see... .it took 5 days last time, right? We don't have much time before there is supposed to be a kid's visit. This is just getting to be too much... .with his whole family dragged in... .

He takes my whole life and future away, the ground from under me. All I can do is try not to panic, and mentally and physically fall apart, that's about it, and not feed into things. He's learned to calmly rage at me if that makes sense.

I let him know that if he does not want me here for their visit from the 25th -7th  he should put me in a hotel or go to one with them. Just to get that out there. (I mean how is this supposed to work? He thinks he can have a divorce today and I leave today? And if this is going on, how are they supposed to be under the roof with us? Poor kids, poor kids.)  I am really out of... .this always morphs into weirder and weirder stuff.

Just days ago we talking about celebrating our "anniversary" all this week, what I'd cook on the weekend, lots of nice plans were in the making, we'd just started doing yoga at home together... .we were doing so well, we'd even talked about ways to manage stress... .And of course he said he'd never, ever do this kind of thing again. I didn't believe it, but... .

Anyway, all details... .now it's "leave immediately." And me trying to hold my mind intact. Thinking of you all here! Wishing you peaceful holidays!
 

[Meili]

Oh, yeah, the loss of appetite can be bad. A member recently posted a suggestion about eating a lot of soup during these times because it's easier to get down. As we all know, we must take care of ourselves and that include nutritionally. Maybe the soup idea will help you too?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi pearls,

Sending a truck full of love and light your way.  Head up and stay strong.  You can get through this.  I'll be thinking of you and cheering you on as you do.  Take care of yourself. 

[Radcliff]

Pearls,

Things sound miserable beyond measure, and I'm so sorry you're going through it, but you've got this.  You can do it.  We believe in you, and you are not alone.  Stay safe.  Keep sleeping and eating.  Keep us posted.

Buckets of hugs,
     

WW 

[JoeBPD81]

I'm so sorry, Pearls. I wish I could just tell you "here's my number, call me to talk anytime... ." But it would be the end of me. I hope better times come. I'm asking Santa Claus for just a bit less drama in our lives.

I'm mostly out these days too, because my ground is also shaking. It's really hard to see how things can go to pleasant to Apocalyptic in a minute.

This too shall pass.

[pearlsw]

you are all so sweet. i can only reply quickly or i'd thank each one of you individually for all of your kindness and ideas. so far i've had two smoothies this week and ate nuts three times. not doing too good so far, but still alive. soup sounds like the best idea. in the future, if there is one, i'll buy more cans and stock up on those. i may have one in the cupboard. i have oatmeal too. and cans of beans. 

i'm guessing the holidays for all intents and purposes have been cancelled for me. i drew a picture of a tree with some gifts under it and the words "happy holidays" and taped it to the door of the room i sit/sleep in. i might make a few more drawings. i spent last night quietly singing holiday songs to myself.

"luckily" i am monk like... .and i hope that, yes, "this too shall pass." somehow i offer a smile: and warm wishes to you as you get through, and hopefully find some moments of joy in this time of the year. i will take my small joys where i can find them... .and keep up with the eating stuff... .that part usually is the worst to start, but it picks up again... .hopefully soon!   

wish i could put something out on the front boards, but this is only post i had handy to update. after it passes, if it passes, i'll offer my take... .

again, thinking of you all and wishing you peace and happiness!   i am so grateful for having this space and for all of you!

[Meili]

This too shall pass is a very true statement. No matter what happens or how things play out, it will pass.

I'm happy to hear that you've at least eaten something. I know that a lot of us struggle to eat, much less eat properly, during these times. Getting the energy from the food is so very important though. You need it to keep your body fueled. If you don't, you'll feel even more run down and depressed.

OK, enough lecturing from me.   

I think that decorating the room is an excellent idea! Don't let his mood dictate yours. If you want to celebrate the holidays, you should.

[heartandwhole]

Pearlsw  . You are such a trooper. Keep focusing on taking care of you. Indeed, this will pass, but right now it’s very hard, and you are managing so well under the circumstances. Keep letting us know how you are. We care 

[Radcliff]

Pearl, thanks for the update.  Keep eating, and keep moving.  Bundle up and go for a walk.  Is there any sunshine there now?  Drink plenty of water to stay hydrated, too.

Keep drawing!  Can you draw a bunch of              for me?



WW 

[Harley Quinn]

I don't know if they sell it where you are pearls, but Complan is excellent.  It gives you all the nutrition your body needs.  If you are at a pharmacy check out if they have meal replacement drinks of any kind, as this is where you'll get a good balance of all your nutrients.  My pain condition renders me unable to eat at times (like now) and I get meal replacement drinks on prescription but there is stuff you can buy over the counter.

Glad you're bringing some semblance of festive cheer into your surroundings.  Great idea!  Don't allow yourself to be robbed of joy.  You deserve it in bucket fulls.  Hang in there.  You're incredibly strong and inspiring.   

Love, light, tinsel and gifts xx

 

[pearlsw]

Thanks for the chuckle WW!  

HQ, thanks for the tip. He won't take me to the store for food today, but he did offer to buy food so there will be more food later today. I had this idea too! Shakes and bars, stuff I can keep with me in the room to eat alone. I hope to get out tomorrow to stock up a bit. I have a feeling what is about to happen is his kids will be here from the 25th-5th and I will be stuck in this room and only able to eat at odd hours because I will be treated like an outcast no one wants around. I dunno. I doubt his ex-wife will stay here knowing I am also here. Who knows about that drama/insanity. I mean... .I am nearly speechless over it. I don't even have it in me to ask what the h**k he is thinking. They don't get along and his older kids can cook just fine so... .my mind has no room for spinning around that point.

I did let him know he should put me in a hotel or they should go to one, either way is fine, but I am sure he can't afford this. He is still recovering from his spending spree and I can't believe I loaned him out of my emergency funds to help with his stuff, but... .you know... .I thought we had a relationship and a future. He was set to pay me back within 2 months, but... .He can't afford a divorce and I can't afford to move so... .this will take time whether he likes it or not.

All I have going for me is my access to YouTube and my ability to pull back up, mostly, from pretty dark places. Needing a little support yesterday I tried calling hotlines, but... .it made me feel worse. So, today... .I hope to avoid that. I dunno. This feels extra real this time and I don't see it resolving anytime soon. This looks to be like the crisis that originally brought me here that dragged on for quite some time in the summer. I can see this taking weeks or never to resolve. I mean, we may not make it this time. The odds aren't looking good. I wish I could get this on the boards so as to not be a bother back here, but I cannot think clearly enough to formulate any of this... .

thanks all, so much, for this lifeline to sanity and understanding!  

[Meili]

Hey pearls, I agree with both WW and Joe. It does sound like a horrible position to be in and you are not a bother. Back here, you are talking to some of the kindest people that I've ever had the pleasure to engage with. We are all going though some our own definitions of bad, yet we still make the time to help others. Think about that for a moment. Think about what we all, including you, do around here. You have become an important part of that family. We all have.

The way that you talk about "your room" is particularly hard for me given what my life has held. I truly hope, for you sake, that it is not as bad as I envision. I freely admit that my own experiences taint things though. I must wonder what you think would happen if you were able to muster the strength to do more than what I perceive as hiding in your room and "own" the house? What do you think would happen if you were to walk around with a Texas-sized attitude, almost cocky, but not quite, in total control of yourself and your surroundings? You are pearlsw after all; a strong and confident person in your own right when you allow it. I certainly haven't been able to find the strength and courage to move half-way around the planet like you have. And, let's not forget lesson 1.01 around here, The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship; number 1 being strength.

[pearlsw]

Hi Meili, Thanks so much! I suppose I can be outside the room more, but I expect to be ignored a lot. What do you think? This is going to be even more abnormal than it usually is! But I love that! --> A Texas-sized attitude. 

I managed to get a post out on the front boards too since I have a few hours alone today, but who knows what these next two weeks will look like. I am quite honestly in too much emotional pain/shock, we were really just doing so well, to ask what the f**k with this ex-wife stuff.

I mean, I'm a cool person and I would under normal circumstances welcome anyone into my living space, I hesitate to call it a "home" as that designation has been given and taken back too many times to count. But she is jealous by nature and it would be much more awkward for her I'm guessing. If she does come I have to believe she is staying nearby and they will be stuck meeting with her elsewhere. I mean, I... .I dunno. At some point this becomes so absurd I just have to laugh.

I am sorry for this dysfunction, but this is his rodeo if he chooses to do such things - make worlds collide. I don't get it and my mind will break hearing it if I try to ask right now. It just makes no sense that he suddenly did this, other than... .my h has issues obviously. It is bizarre. But he may be creating a mess he can't snap back from. I dunno. I'll read that link again! Thanks! I can use any tips I can get my hands on these days. I've felt nervous to read much here lately with this going on, but I need to!

[Meili]

So what if you're ignored? You are pearlsw! You are a wonderful and unique person in your own right. I know... .I know... .The words are easy for me to say. Living ti is quite a different matter. And, given my recent melt down from being ignored, I'm hardly the person to give advice on the subject. BUT, what I took away from my experience is that just because one person ignored me in that moment doesn't really mean a thing. Others, that seem to care about me for no other reason than I am me, rallied around and supported me. Is it the same? Not exactly, but I'll take it.

Look around you. There are people who don't even really know you who care and support you. We are here for you. We don't want anything from you. We just want the best for you. This has been a hard lesson for me, but it is certainly one that is worth giving some thought to.

I agree, it is his rodeo and you get to decide how much you want to want to be involved in it.

You're a much better person than I am. If I were in your situation, I'd pull my boots on, and strut out in the middle of it all walking tall. There is no reason for you to be uncomfortable in your own home. Yes, home. You live there. It's as much yours as his. Own it. Walk out in the middle of everything and make ginger snaps. 

Why be nervous about reading much here? There is a lot of wisdom floating around.

[pearlsw]

Oh man! Thanks for the laughs. I get nervous because he has monitored me in the past. He had a keylogger for awhile but I didn't know it so it was like he was inside my brain. He could see everywhere I was online, every email, etc. I have been afraid of internet usage for a long time and I think this is one thing I will never recover from though I now have some defenses against it. I think I am safe, but what "triggered" this latest episode was him walking in on me when I was about to post on the site - I had been so careful, but made a slip and could not close windows fast enough so had to give him a reason (which was not good enough for him) why he could not see my screen. (If it was not this reason it would have been another for the next divorce threat, they always come.) I refused to show him my screen, said I was writing in a journal, but he needed more control than that.

If it ultimately ends because he needs total control and I can't live like that so be it. But it is getting back on my feet that scares me out of my mind. I've seen the bottom having worked at a Homeless shelter back in the day, and I dread the thought of going back to the US. I don't even know what state, much less city to pick and what do do, how to get a car, make that all happen again, and the reverse culture shock! Ay, ay, ay! My life is in a financial and career shambles at this point, and my college debt just goes up and up as it sits there being deferred. I'm in a pickle here or there, but this was more support... .that is a black hole. But I may have no choice. But I will slow this divorce stuff down a bit. I am certainly not giving him one this week or next! He can pound sand on that point.

I feel pretty anxious and on edge. I don't want to be around other anxious people who are kids who unfortunately know all my business. In my childhood we respected boundaries between kids world and adults world. He uses his kids as friends/confidantes/advisors. It's not cool in my book but he does what he does. I try to stay out of his parenting stuff and not criticize/judge.

He is buying food today so I am going to try to stay mentally healthy enough to cook it and even eat it. That is about how high my current life goals are. Oh, why can't I win the lotto and buy my freedom?  

[heartandwhole]

pearlsw,

I can relate very much to your feelings about staying where you are vs. moving back to the States. From experience, I can tell you that it doesn't have to be a black hole, even when you don't know where to go or know people. It can be an exciting adventure. I understand both wanting to stay where you are, and wanting to go somewhere else. There is no need to make big decisions right now. As you say, you are in shock and need time to get your bearings. Take all the time you need to do that.

Please keep taking care of yourself and place your needs in a priority position. You don't have to hide out, unless you need a break from the people around you.  We only have today, this minute, and we don't get a do-over, so please do what feels right and good for you. 

heart

[Tattered Heart]

But she is jealous by nature and it would be much more awkward for her I'm guessing. If she does come I have to believe she is staying nearby and they will be stuck meeting with her elsewhere.

I am sorry for this dysfunction, but this is his rodeo if he chooses to do such things - make worlds collide.

That's just it. It is HIS decision to bring these two worlds together and they are coming into YOUR world. Looks like Meili covered most of what I wanted to say.  Own your space and sashay around in it. Make it the most Christmasy Christmas ever for you and if they want to join you then so be it. If not, they can be a Bah Humbug.

[Meili]

The latter is fitting.

[pearlsw]

Indeed. Thanks ya'll! And that may be the end of us. I can't see him splitting me white this time. I've been wrong before, but it's gone too far this time. I just had to call the police. Wrote about it on the front board briefly. 

You guys are great! Especially on the boundary stuff. I had to hold it at any price.

[Woolspinner2000]

You are brave, Pearls! Yes, really you are.   

Please stay safe, hang on.

 
Wools