FOG... when a pwBPD is emotionally blackmailed?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Anyone here intentionally or inadvertently put their pwBPD through a situation as such? How was it? How did they react?

In my case not only had I not put her illness together, but a poor choice of words made me come off as manipulative. Somehow “I never told you about my health issues” (I wanted to relate to her anxiety since I felt she was pulling away due to her own)... .came off as “How are you planning a life with me if you have a fatal disease”. Then accused me of emotional blackmail and manipulation. And then said I was emotionally unfit to be in a relationship.

Was she truly hurt by my words? Or was she projecting? Small things like these still haunt me.

[The Cat in d Hat]

Anyone here intentionally or inadvertently put their pwBPD through a situation as such? How was it? How did they react?

In my case not only had I not put her illness together, but a poor choice of words made me come off as manipulative. Somehow “I never told you about my health issues” (I wanted to relate to her anxiety since I felt she was pulling away due to her own)... .came off as “How are you planning a life with me if you have a fatal disease”. Then accused me of emotional blackmail and manipulation. And then said I was emotionally unfit to be in a relationship.

Was she truly hurt by my words? Or was she projecting? Small things like these still haunt me.

[Jeffree]

I've not had direct experience with that, per se, but I have had similar during the last throes of my dad's life.

STBx offered up condolences, which I flatly rejected because of all the lousy things she said about him when he was alive. Plus they were supposedly condolences for my impending loss, which I told her to save for those whom she actually cared about and loved.

She seemed mortally wounded by my words, and I watched in disbelief as she actually thought I didn't see right through the empty gesture, which was just intended to try and convince me of what a great person she is despite how she felt so poorly treated by my dad and myself.

Generally, it's as though they have a cloaking device around their heart designed to keep it hidden from us, and anything that might happen to press those heartstrings is kept away by some weird emotional force field.

J

[Insom]

Hi, The Cat in d Hat,

One of the sadder aspects of BPD is that people who have it fear abandonment and then behave in ways that push people away.  In this case, it sounds like your person may have perceived the info you shared as threatening - a precursor to abandonment - and behaved defensively, even though you didn't mean to provoke a defensive response.

Small things like these still haunt me.

What about this haunts you?  What are you feeling?

[The Cat in d Hat]

Hi, The Cat in d Hat,

One of the sadder aspects of BPD is that people who have it fear abandonment and then behave in ways that push people away.  In this case, it sounds like your person may have perceived the info you shared as threatening - a precursor to abandonment - and behaved defensively, even though you didn't mean to provoke a defensive response.

What about this haunts you?  What are you feeling?

I was running on zero sleep after her sudden ending of whatever it was we had going on. And just a day later she went full NC, all this happened. I was in such a sleepless trance to gather what was happening, her sudden disappearing act, just to cling on, or figure out where I went wrong.

I’m haunted by how I didn’t use the right words, how someone felt so threatened they instantly jumped to threatening me with an R/o after that. I wish I was better equipped at the time, she may have just found her way back if i had not tried to contact her when she disappeared. Of course now I do realize I’d be walking on eggshells 24/7 if she had, so I’m conflicted if I really wanted that at all.

At the end, even coming to peace with all that, what will haunt me is how someone I cared about now finds me to be an enemy, a threat, a manipulative emotional blackmailer. I’m not in need for validation, it’s just scarring knowing you’ve been branded.

[Jeffree]

I’m haunted by how I didn’t use the right words, how someone felt so threatened they instantly jumped to threatening me with an R/o after that.

Sometimes there are just no right words with a pwBPD... .especially when it comes to something having to do with you.

Part and parcel of what it looks like when they turn you black is that they have not one iota of interest or concern for you or your well being, and if they perceive you as in need of them in any way they just crank up the negative perceptions playing in their head about you.

It is haunting because what you got back, and what you would have gotten back no matter how you shared with her your health situation, was always going to be compete and utter rejection because in order to whitewash her guilt of how she was treating you she had to see you as all black and loathsome.

You are not loathsome, sir, and didn't deserve that.

J

[The Cat in d Hat]

I’m haunted by how I didn’t use the right words, how someone felt so threatened they instantly jumped to threatening me with an R/o after that.

Sometimes there are just no right words with a pwBPD... .especially when it comes to something having to do with you.

Part and parcel of what it looks like when they turn you black is that they have not one iota of interest or concern for you or your well being, and if they perceive you as in need of them in any way they just crank up the negative perceptions playing in their head about you.

It is haunting because what you got back, and what you would have gotten back no matter how you shared with her your health situation, was always going to be compete and utter rejection because in order to whitewash her guilt of how she was treating you she had to see you as all black and loathsome.

You are not loathsome, sir, and didn't deserve that.

J

Thanks for those words bud.

I just don’t understand how they can do such a thing and then still come back. I’m not too concerned as in my situation I feel she left with the upper hand and likely won’t return, but how do they justify it when they go back to loved ones. Or is there no need for them to justify? Do they even remember what they did and said? Do they remember anything about the time they spent with you. Or is that essentially what splitting is, a delete button. How does the memory work when your split white again?

[Jeffree]

I think they see it as doing us a favor despite all the horrible ways we've supposedly treated them, even if it is they who ask for the reunion. Thus, it is a mission of mercy.

In their minds all their bad acts toward us were justified, so they didn't count as actually bad and we shouldn't take issue with them. They were done for our own good and to change our behaviors for the better, or to punish us for the bad feelings they have inside that they associated with us.

That's about the extent of my abilities to translate their madness into any semblance of "logic."

J

[ozmatoz]

I think they see it as doing us a favor despite all the horrible ways we've supposedly treated them, even if it is they who ask for the reunion. Thus, it is a mission of mercy.

In their minds all their bad acts toward us were justified, so they didn't count as actually bad and we shouldn't take issue with them. They were done for our own good and to change our behaviors for the better, or to punish us for the bad feelings they have inside that they associated with us.

That's about the extent of my abilities to translate their madness into any semblance of "logic."

I think you did a pretty good job translating here!  My uBPDw seems to think that any semblance of nicety towards me is her doing me a favor, and she questions me all the time... "how many chances do you think I'm going to give you?"  That one really throws me for a loop and the few times I tried to turn the question back to her I was met with complete shock as if she had never done anything wrong, ever.

-Oz

[The Cat in d Hat]

Well said Jeffree.

To be honest, that small little irk rattling around in my head about wanting to clear that misunderstanding up, I almost just got it out then. The problem was I know my boundaries, and I respect others, so when she suddenly dropped R/O in the conversation I immediately dropped pursuit. Seems like that’s a popular route with pwBPD from what I’ve read here, and mine constantly gloated how she could get her way with anyone.

Its all for nothing anyway, glad I found this site to realize it was an impossible task.