Worried about my Granchild

[Ndsmhlp]

Hello,
I'm glad to be here and hope someone can give me some insight or advice.
My son's wife has BPD.  They have been married 17 years and have a child 7 years old.
My DIL has gradually become worse over the years, but especially so this last year.  She has been especially volatile, but seems to contain it until their child is at school.
My Grandchild is extremely bright and knows there is something not right with mommy.  Last week my son took off work to take DIL to a new therapist appt (approved by DIL) but DIL had a screaming, crying fit because she said he was forcing her and then said she hated him and he didn't love her etc.  My son did not engage her and went into the garage.  Their child was in the other room with DIL's Mother getting ready for school when the scene was playing out.   She went looking for her Daddy and when she found him in the garage she said: ":)addy, say your sorry, then just be quiet". 
Our son called me after this event and told me what his child said to him.  He is so worried about his child's emotional and mental well being and is afraid she may be afflicted with BPD someday as well. 
He has wanted to divorce his wife for so long, but I think he has taken care of her and shielded her for so long, he doesn't know the first steps in leaving and taking their child.  DIL has been threading suicide over the years, but about 3 times in the last month. 
There is so much more to this long and incredibly sad saga, but I'm sure whoever will read this knows how horrible this is for all involved.  We (my husband and I) know that it is out of our hands and it is our son who is the one who has to initiate any change... .he knows it too, but is so terrified of the unknown consequences he seems paralyzed.
Any words of advice, comfort or ? would be very appreciated.

[Turkish]

I gotta admire your GD7 for being wise enough to know how to reduce conflict. It's all she can do at her age.  Sadly, and I'm sure every single member here who grew up with a BPD Parent can relate,  it's not healthy in the long run.  Though I grew up with a single mom,  I've seen so many members here who as adults harbor almost as much anger at their fathers who just coped, as they did towards their BPD mothers. Being milquetoast can help reduce conflict at the moment,  but it isn't a good long term strategy.

I'm glad that you and your husband know that this is ultimately your son's issue to solve. We've seen too many grandparents step in too much, the result being cut off from the family. 

Your son can benefit from the communication tools here on hr Bettering Board.  I'd encourage him to join there.  Take a look,  they might help you also:
Tools for communication, validation, and reinforcement of good behavior

What's your relationship with your GD7, and how much do you talk to her?

Turkish

[HappyChappy]

Hi Ndsmhlp,

I would like to join Turkish in welcoming you to the board.  This must be extremely hard for your son, so its great he has you guys for moral support. Extraditing yourself from something like this is extremely hard, so it may help if you hook your son up with this forum. There is a huge amount of knowledge on here.

Because a BPD is so skilful at enmeshing someone, you need all the support, tips and strategies you can muster to manage the situation as well as break clean. Do you think your son would be open to taking outside advice and support ? I know my BPD convinced my Dad that men haven’t a clue about children, when he tried to leave. He totaly believed it. Him staying made things so much better. Ironically, he knew more about a healthy upbringing than my BPD, but I only realised that after hitting this forum.

[Mommy su]

Hello Ndsmhlp- I am new to the forum and have a DIL who seems to have BPD-I am not sure but the behavior has been as described in this site and others.
She and our son have a 3 year old and I am scared to death for this child. Last night, the DIL had a fit of alcohol fueled rage. Our son, her husband, has a job that takes him away for about 24 hours about 3 times a week (paramedic) ... .He was working lastnight... .Picture this, she is  at their house, with the child, in a rage( and texting crazy texts to the family), and a drunken one at that... .I am
really scared.