Wanting a more distant friendship

[tiki]

I am wondering if it’s possible to shift yourself to outer orbit of person. I want more limited contact. Is it possible a pwBPD can have a formaly close friend become more of once a month friend? I do not want to be the person they depend on. I might want to keep things open and friendly. And that’s might. I have to work through my anger issues on my own first. But is it possible to have a more casual relationship with the person? I would only do in person interactions since his text and email privileges tend to get abused tend to be an area where abuse is more likely to occur.

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[CautiousHope]

I am currently working toward a similar goal of shifting the nature of our relationship to a more casual level, and while it has been a bumpy ride, so far I would say it has trended in a successful direction. I can't say if it will work out long term, it has only been about a month, but keeping communication open and honest, using reassurance and validation, and setting very firm boundaries I have found that it is going better than I really expected. It's not an easy shift because it's a big change that involves addressing a lot of small habits and it's likely to be triggering for a pwBPD. At the end of the day, I remind myself that what I want matters and if I can't be available to him in the way that he is hoping, I don't need to accommodate that just to make him comfortable, because my comfort also matters and doing so only creates resentment which isn't good for either of us or our relationship.

[tiki]

but keeping communication open and honest, using reassurance and validation, and setting very firm boundaries I have found that it is going better than I really expected.

Open and honest communication I don’t see as ever possible. I can be direct but I’m probably too direct. I might say upfront I would like to see you about once a month. And does that sound like anything You are interested in. That to me it seems better than nothing and we could still see each other.

It’s been a very fraught relationship but we’ve known each other for a long time. And I know other people have different needs but this is all I feel like I can do or is healthy.

And that’s even not now but in a few months. I need a few months just me first. That’s even just what I’m hoping I become capable of.

[CautiousHope]

I can definitely understand feeling like open and honest communication never being possible, it's challenging even at its very best. For me, I have found that if I validate my friend's emotions first and make sure he's calm and then express my own wants and needs using "feeling" statements or focusing on me rather than directing them at him, he tends to be more receptive. It's not so much that he's accepting, but he is receptive, and I find it to be more constructive when I go about it that way. He still has BPD and so there is resistance and push back, but I try to focus on setting and enforcing boundaries to protect my own wants, needs and well being and slowly over time that pushing back becomes less and less. Unfortunately, I just don't think there is any way to make a clean break or shift things without there being some dissonance, simply because it strikes so close to the raw nerve at the root of BPD. I think that the best that we can do is to take care of ourselves and try to keep in mind that the majority of the time, the pwBPD is acting out of fear and that their response has very little or nothing to do with us.

[tiki]

I can definitely understand feeling like open and honest communication never being possible, it's challenging even at its very best. For me, I have found that if I validate my friend's emotions first and make sure he's calm and then express my own wants and needs using "feeling" statements or focusing on me rather than directing them at him, he tends to be more receptive. It's not so much that he's accepting, but he is receptive, and I find it to be more constructive when I go about it that way. He still has BPD and so there is resistance and push back, but I try to focus on setting and enforcing boundaries to protect my own wants, needs and well being and slowly over time that pushing back becomes less and less. Unfortunately, I just don't think there is any way to make a clean break or shift things without there being some dissonance, simply because it strikes so close to the raw nerve at the root of BPD. I think that the best that we can do is to take care of ourselves and try to keep in mind that the majority of the time, the pwBPD is acting out of fear and that their response has very little or nothing to do with us.

I see you’re also dealing with a friend. I actually hadn’t really been in contact since July. And then in January I got pullled in by a text but it’s only been almost exclusively combative since then. I’ve been really hurt so it’s harder to do things like take a certain tact or have patience. Has you’re friendship been very hurtful to you?

[CautiousHope]

It's incredibly stressful and frustrating to feel like you are constantly on guard and fighting with someone that you think of as a friend, especially when they aren't receptive to hearing our side of it. My own situation is complicated, my friend is in love with me and we were friends who had a brief flirtation of sorts which I regretted once I realized what was going on with him and now I am trying to simply remain just friends. I can't say he has been particularly hurtful to me, no, I think that my friend may be more inclined to turn his anger inward under a lot of circumstances. He is often angry and frustrated with me, but he's more inclined to shut down or vanish than he is to lash out at me. When he criticizes me, it's often exaggerated, but I try to look for the root in it. Is the criticism true on any level? Is it something I want to change about myself? Then I will work to change that for myself and also for the health of our friendship. Or, is he simply lashing out/projecting his own insecurities onto me? In that case, I try to validate his emotion, which usually makes it possible for me to address the underlying issue so that things may hopefully be resolved. Ultimately, I can only change my own behavior, not his. I am very new to all of this, so I can only speak from my personal experience, which is limited. I am sorry you're going through all of this, it's devastating to lose a friend, let alone to have someone seem to turn on you for no apparent reason.

[tiki]

It's incredibly stressful and frustrating to feel like you are constantly on guard and fighting with someone that you think of as a friend, especially when they aren't receptive to hearing our side of it. My own situation is complicated, my friend is in love with me and we were friends who had a brief flirtation of sorts which I regretted once I realized what was going on with him and now I am trying to simply remain just friends. I can't say he has been particularly hurtful to me, no, I think that my friend may be more inclined to turn his anger inward under a lot of circumstances. He is often angry and frustrated with me, but he's more inclined to shut down or vanish than he is to lash out at me. When he criticizes me, it's often exaggerated, but I try to look for the root in it. Is the criticism true on any level? Is it something I want to change about myself? Then I will work to change that for myself and also for the health of our friendship. Or, is he simply lashing out/projecting his own insecurities onto me? In that case, I try to validate his emotion, which usually makes it possible for me to address the underlying issue so that things may hopefully be resolved. Ultimately, I can only change my own behavior, not his. I am very new to all of this, so I can only speak from my personal experience, which is limited. I am sorry you're going through all of this, it's devastating to lose a friend, let alone to have someone seem to turn on you for no apparent reason.

Mine also had feelings for me but it is more than that. we had been friend for 7 years before and we have known each other for 10 years. The part where he liked me was actually the worst most abusive part.

Its kind of an advantage that you figured this out so quickly and can communicate more effectively. Mine is definitely the lash out type.

[CautiousHope]

I'm sorry that you have endured abuse and lashing out at the hand of someone you care about, no one deserves that. Are you worried more about further abuse or are you worried about hurting him by cutting back contact, or both, or something else entirely?

[zachira]

It sounds like you are trying to establish healthier boundaries with this friend. Having healthier friendships and relationships is a process in which we often become more distant from those who don't honor our boundaries, and start to attract people who are more respectful of our boundaries. It feels awful to constantly have to defend yourself against a friend's or family member's  unwelcome intrusions.

[EdR]

Hi there!

I wish I could help you... .I really do. I have also been in a situation with a friend (female). I genuinely cared and care about her and people say her trigger was probably catching feelings for me at some point.

I would also wish for 'once in a while' contact, but I was cut off... .

What can I say... .I think they only have two modes: black and white. On or off.
With me it was either like 'nothing ever happened' or I was painted black. There was no real life conversation possible about this change in our friendship.

The only thing I would advise is to treat your pwBPD like how you would like to be treated yourself.
Be really clear in what you would like and why you would like that. Without attacking or judging.
Be specific and do not be afraid.

She couldn't clearly communicate what she truly wanted. That didn't help at all and eventually lead to no contact at all... .:-(
Her behaviour has hurt me greatly. All you can do is make sure you don't do that to your pwBPD.

Be nice, but be clear and be specific.

[tiki]

I'm sorry that you have endured abuse and lashing out at the hand of someone you care about, no one deserves that. Are you worried more about further abuse or are you worried about hurting him by cutting back contact, or both, or something else entirely?

I guess I’m a wuss because I don’t mean physical violence. Just emotional verbal abuse. He was unstable due to other drama in his life so it just made me scared to throw him off kilter.

It’s been really horrible. I had this birds eye view of me today on the sofa and I was like yeah this is too big of price of admission.

[tiki]

It sounds like you are trying to establish healthier boundaries with this friend. Having healthier friendships and relationships is a process in which we often become more distant from those who don't honor our boundaries, and start to attract people who are more respectful of our boundaries. It feels awful to constantly have to defend yourself against a friend's or family member's  unwelcome intrusions.

I guess I’m so far past the stage of trying to have boundaries. I’m at the stage of realizing boundaries  willl never be respected. I’m sorry to see you have a sister affected by this. I have a family member with narcissistic tendencies and I think it’s why I’m extra vulnerable to being hurt by things like gaslighting because it’s already a trigger point.

[tiki]

Hi there!

I wish I could help you... .I really do. I have also been in a situation with a friend (female). I genuinely cared and care about her and people say her trigger was probably catching feelings for me at some point.

I would also wish for 'once in a while' contact, but I was cut off... .

What can I say... .I think they only have two modes: black and white. On or off.
With me it was either like 'nothing ever happened' or I was painted black. There was no real life conversation possible about this change in our friendship.

The only thing I would advise is to treat your pwBPD like how you would like to be treated yourself.
Be really clear in what you would like and why you would like that. Without attacking or judging.
Be specific and do not be afraid.

She couldn't clearly communicate what she truly wanted. That didn't help at all and eventually lead to no contact at all... .:-(
Her behaviour has hurt me greatly. All you can do is make sure you don't do that to your pwBPD.

Be nice, but be clear and be specific.

I wish you could help me too. Maybe some magic dust. Maybe some angel dust if it comes to that. It’s good to see other people in similar situations. There really aren’t many people with friend issues going through the detachment process. Must be because friend are somewhat more tempting to put up with? Unlike a romantic relationship that can become impossible. I’m sorry your person cut you off completely. I really struggle to understand the motives of my friend. He still always wants to be friends and I feel distrustful of why.

It is never good when one friend develops feelings for the other. BPD or not it seems like it never ends well for the friendship. He actually has moved on now but so much damage has already been done.

I like your mature suggestions for good behavior. I think I managed to do pretty good with that for awhile and then eventually had to end up not feeling good about my own behavior either.

[zachira]

For some of us, it can be really hard to decide between helping and ending the drama. Sometimes one makes more sense over the other. Some of us will continue to try to help the person, and some of us will decide we can't take anymore of the drama. Some of us will do some of both, sometimes helping and other times refusing to participate in the drama.

[Daffodill]

I'm trying that now with my ex bf BPD.  I went no contact with him after a nasty breakup at Christmas and that lasted 27 days.  It triggered his abandonment issues too much and he spent nearly the entire time trying to get me back.  I felt so good while we were apart, although I missed him a lot and, admittedly, was very flattered by his efforts to get me back.  Fast forward a month and it's just not working.  Before the breakup he was distant and constantly pushing me away, which was a problem.  Now, he's just being mean, overly critical, and somewhat abusive, under the guise of "teasing".  He also won't commit to a relationship, although he acts like we are in one, except when he "goes dark" which means he's seeing someone/doing something he doesn't want me to know about. 

I finally told him I didn't think this was working and we obviously weren't a good fit and we should just accept that we were never going to be anything more than just friends.  So, I'm now trying to transition us to "friends" in hopes of getting out of this "relationship" permanently, without triggering his abandonment issues and keep him chasing me only to go through it all again.  (this is our 4th "breakup". 

I seriously doubt the "just friends" thing will work, but I'm hoping that it will wean us both off each other and we can move on.  Me to being just me and him to whomever he can get to be in a relationship with.  Last time we broke up, he already had someone to take my place, but when that fell apart, he came back to me.  I don't think he has anyone to replace me yet, but I'm fairly certain he's been working on at least 2 possible replacements.  Hopefully, one will stick and our "just friends" thing will gradually put more distance between us.  Eventually, though, I'm betting I will have to totally block him and go No Contact.  However it works out, I fully intend this to be the last breakup and am doing everything I can to make it stick on my part.

[tiki]

I'm trying that now with my ex bf BPD.  I went no contact with him after a nasty breakup at Christmas and that lasted 27 days.  It triggered his abandonment issues too much and he spent nearly the entire time trying to get me back.  I felt so good while we were apart, although I missed him a lot and, admittedly, was very flattered by his efforts to get me back.  Fast forward a month and it's just not working.  Before the breakup he was distant and constantly pushing me away, which was a problem.  Now, he's just being mean, overly critical, and somewhat abusive, under the guise of "teasing".  He also won't commit to a relationship, although he acts like we are in one, except when he "goes dark" which means he's seeing someone/doing something he doesn't want me to know about. 

I finally told him I didn't think this was working and we obviously weren't a good fit and we should just accept that we were never going to be anything more than just friends.  So, I'm now trying to transition us to "friends" in hopes of getting out of this "relationship" permanently, without triggering his abandonment issues and keep him chasing me only to go through it all again.  (this is our 4th "breakup". 

I seriously doubt the "just friends" thing will work, but I'm hoping that it will wean us both off each other and we can move on.  Me to being just me and him to whomever he can get to be in a relationship with.  Last time we broke up, he already had someone to take my place, but when that fell apart, he came back to me.  I don't think he has anyone to replace me yet, but I'm fairly certain he's been working on at least 2 possible replacements.  Hopefully, one will stick and our "just friends" thing will gradually put more distance between us.  Eventually, though, I'm betting I will have to totally block him and go No Contact.  However it works out, I fully intend this to be the last breakup and am doing everything I can to make it stick on my part.

First of all hi! I kind of relate to everything you’re describing. It’s funny isn’t it? Having this level of understanding of what is happening. In terms of like being aware of replacement people or whatever. I also relate to the change in the way he started treated you. It’s almost like when you are no longer the magical one things start to become bad in a new way. When I was the magical one I got verbally abused plenty but in a certain way. It was more like getting into my psychology and attempting to manipulate me. But once I was dethroned I got comments like I’m not sure why I ever liked you or things that were really critical. And I realized I need to protect my self esteem. That must have been while I was devalued? I don’t know. It was almost like he no longer needed to manipulate me but now he had this low opinion of me.