BPD mother is 90 and getting worse

[qteaPi]

I was a member here a decade ago. Since then so much has happened but the BPD daily assault from my mother is getting worse.  She either is going deaf or somehow unable to decode what I say which leads to her flying into a rage when she "mishears me.  She refuses to get hearing tested. Every day begins with me calling to check on her and her telling me how much she wishes she would die. It sets the mood for my day.  She makes hateful comments to me and about me and just this week she straight out asked to live with me and my husband (who has stage 4 cancer).  We are wasting our precious time while she plays her head games on me.  Nothing has improved since I was here ten years ago.

[GaGrl]

I am so sorry you are in this place... .my mother is not BPD but has "fleas" from a difficult relationship with her uNPD/BPD stepmother. I find myself being careful that I don't trigger my mom's few sensitive areas. Also, I saw her deteriorate during my sister's Stage 4 breast cancer diagnosis and the grieving after sister's death.

What is your mother's current living situation? Do you have siblings to share the care? (I do not - that is difficult.) What are you doing for self-care?

[qteaPi]

 have one living brother who has a very busy life and doesn't see her much. She drove my other brother to suicide17 yrs ago
She lives alone and has ran off every friend with her nasty attitude.  I know her life is not any fun but I cannot change reality.  Her husband died 20 years ago, most of her sibs are dead.  She resents any time I spend with anyone else or when not on the phone with her.

[qteaPi]

For self care I take a sleeping pill at night to get her voice out of my head. I have become diabetic and have fibromyalgia and the stress of her hate talk and my precious husband's diagnosis are killing me.

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you. I have a BPD mother who is 98, and it so frustrating as the borderline characteristics show up in more disturbing ways, and there are less solutions and strategies to consider as they get older. Limited contact has been the best strategy for me, though it hurts to not be able to help her, as she continues to be abusive.

[qteaPi]

My mother may very well live to be 100 based on her family history. I know I don't have ten more years in me, nor does my husband. He was given 2-4 years to live three years ago.  If you are the adult child of a borderline please don't just keep taking everything that is thrown your way and hoping for a good day now and then.  You will blink and find yourself being gaslighted by someone furious with life and determined to out live you.  Set your boundaries and never let them change.  I use to be able to do that but when you live with the fear of a phone call saying they are gone those boundaries tend to get wobbly. Don't wobble.