Why am I the only one she hates?

[Tourb999]

Hi,

I am one of three children of my mwBPD, and the eldest. Quite honestly since I was a toddler my mother resented me and I will never understand why. She encouraged eating disorder behavior in me when I was as young as 7 (literally physically abused me once for eating a bagel in front of her) and she always made me feel as though I was a disappointment to her for not being beautiful enough.She didn't care about my future, or supporting me. She kept me isolated from other kids my age and I never had any friends. I struggle with feelings of ugliness and inadequacy even now into my late 20s and struggle with disordered eating to this day.

I have a brother who is autistic and my mother, though perhaps more willing to put herself before him at times, loved him and never subjected him to the abuse I went through.

I have a half sister who is 15 and she is, to my mother, the most perfect and wonderful girl in the world. Even now she will go on about her beauty, her intelligence, how many friends she has etc and I will admit it hurts like hell. I don't wish what I went through upon anyone and I'm happy my sister isn't being abused but at the same time it makes me feel horrible about myself. I used to think that my mother treated me badly because she wasn't capable of love due to her BPD. Seeing that she indeed IS capable of that, just not capable of loving ME, is incredibly painful and a little angering. It makes me jump to conclusions... .that perhaps I'm so ugly she couldn't love me. It just sucks and I sometimes don't know how to handle my feelings around this

[zachira]

Borderlines are polarized in their thinking. As parents, they tend to have children who are either favorites or scapegoats. As the oldest you might have been a real threat, as you took away the attention from your mother, and she probably could not stand that your father loved you more.
I am the scapegoat in my immediate family and among most of the relatives in my father's family. My sister has done horrible things, including being a terrible parent, and the relatives always talk about how much they adore her in spite of what she does. The scapegoated relatives, including myself, are continually criticized no matter how much we go above and beyond to make sacrifices for the good of the family. It hurts so much to be the scapegoat. I have learned that this will always hurt, and the best thing I can do is to surround myself with kind, caring, respectful people, who do not know my family, as certain family members will always be talking badly about me and telling lies, just so they can feel better about themselves. It is a toxic dynamic, and I have also learned that going low contact with toxic family members, and having better boundaries with others is the best solution, though I will always be heartbroken about being treated so badly by certain family members, especially my immediate family.
Let us know how you are doing and how we can help!

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Tourb999! 

Let me join Zachira in welcoming you! Thank you for sharing the hurt in your heart with us. Some extra hugs for you   

It is so very hard to have a BPD parent. My uBPDm unfortunately often caused me to feel similar to you, and I'm the middle child. Seems as if it doesn't really matter which birth order we fall into because the pwBPD will chose the ones that they view as good or bad and treat them according to their BPD projections. In the end it doesn't have very much to do with us at all as much as it does them, but the pain from all the hurt doesn't easily go away. That's what this board is for, to help us explore how we have been affected and what steps we can each take to find healing for our hurts. You are resilient and courageous to already be able to see with the wisdom that you shared. 

Here is a workshop that I've found helpful:

When are the children of a BPD at risk?

The other members here have gone through similar experiences to yours, so you will not feel alone! Have you taken a look at the list on the right hand side of our board? Click on any sentence to open more to read. Where do you see yourself on the list?

 
Wools

[Pina colada]

 Tourb999 welcome and sorry about the abuse you have been going through.  Honestly coming here and seeing others have gone and are going through similar things help.  Also reading books and articles... .My sister is BPD and has always targeted someone.  First it was mom.  After mom died it became me.  She tried brother but he is so lain back she couldn't get a rise out of him... .he just does not care what she says or thinks.  When sis and I have been on better terms it was our dad she went after.  In between she goes after her kids, especially her oldest bio kid saying the most horrible things about him.  She has another son that has nothing to do with her... .of course it is his fault.  My sister abused me as a children, and is a pathological liar.  Personality disordered people are no fun... .Stay strong and read, read, read... .

[todayistheday]

Are you absolutely CERTAIN that you are the only one she hates.  I grew up believing myself to be the only one that my Mom with BPD hated.  I knew there were others she didn't like, but I knew that she did not understand me.  I was always in trouble or getting a beating for something. 
A very small part of it was stuff that I should have been in trouble for.    The rest, about half was normal kid stuff,  and the other part was stuff that didn't happen or I had no idea and still have no idea what the big deal was.  Thinks like making too much noise when I walked, sitting in a chair the wrong way were capital offenses.

I was the oldest and definitely the scapegoat child.My sister was angel child and could do no wrong.    I escaped to college.  After getting away, my Dad became scapegoat, or so I thought.  He has recently revealed more about the past to me than anyone should ever know about their parents.  He did not become her scapegoat when I left.  He always had been and hid it.  Why he married her is beyond me.  She was mean to him before they ever got married!  Hell on their honeymoon (fortunately, the TMI didn't go too far), and so forth.  He had planned divorcing her when my younger sister graduated high school.  We always wondered why he didn't. Sister doesn't give him any pity, saying he had the chance to get out 30 years ago.  After I learned from my personal counselor that she probably has BPD and I read the eggshells book, I suspected that she may have threatened suicide.  Fact is, she did. 



During all those years, she did hate him.  I just did not know it until recently

[Harri]

Hi Turbo.  Others have given some great responses here so I just want to add a couple of things that I think may give you a different perspective.

It sounds like your sister is the 'golden child'.  This is also known as being split white (do a site search on splitting behaviors).  On the surface and certainly in comparison to the more obvious abuse you experienced, being split white or being the golden child *is* abuse though it may not look like it from the outside.  The so called favored child is often enmeshed and will have difficulty separating from the disordered parent.  In addition they are woefully unprepared to deal with the real world and real world consequences and often carry over a sense of self-entitlement into the world that will cause problems.  The abuse experienced by the split white child is less obvious and very misleading.  Many Non parents here will say they are not concerned with one or two of their kids because the BPD parent treats them as a favorite, but reality is very different for these kids.  The pressure to please and conform is extremely high and damaging.

I don't mention that to minimize your experiences.  I just want to mention all of that to offer a different perspective and let you know that when dealing with a parent with a pervasive disorder like BPD, they do not exhibit healthy love to anyone.  It is not you.  It is your mother.  It is her flaw and her disorder that makes her act the way she does and think the way she thinks.  As Wools said, very little, if anything has to do with you.

Please do not define yourself or set your value based on the acts, thoughts and words of a very disordered person, whether they are a parent or not.  It is hard to eliminate years of abuse that has taught you that you are less than or are unlovable, but it is possible. 

This can be a turning point for you where you shed the false beliefs of another and embark on a journey (I feel like there should be empowering music playing in the background right now) of self discovery and self love.

Cliches aside (and BTW, cliches more often than not are true which is why they become cliches... .) you are loveable and you are worth far more than you mother was capable of showing.  I promise.

[Harri]

Hi again Turbo. 

I want to share this link to the first chapter of a book called 'Mean Mother's'.  The author is a writer, not an expert, but addresses the conflicts we kids of experience and specifically addresses your quesion of 'why am I the only one she hates'.

Read here:  www.abcnews.go.com/GMA/Books/read-excerpt-mothers-peg-streep/story?id=8825765 

It is a long article, but well worth the read.  Be prepared for the emotions to rise up and possibly spill over.

[crazycatlady]

Hi!  I know this feeling so well.  I am the only child in my family, but I know for a fact that if I had a sibling, my mom would favor them over me -- because I am much closer to my dad than I am to her.

I look more like him. I like more of the same things he does. We're on the same "wavelength" and you can tell it aggravates my mom to death.

But don't think for a minute that being the only means you get a free pass from being compared to everyone else, because I absolutely was.  It was always -- "you need to be more outgoing like (this person)" or why can't you be more like (this other person). I just reply that I am who I am and she'll just have to deal with it, because I'm not changing to make her happy.

[HappyChappy]

Hey Crazycatlady (like the name),

In answer to your question every BPD needs a scapegoat so as an only child, it was always going to be you. Classic triangulation is to invent or find people that are always better than you, to compare you against. This level of prejudice is infuriating and that’s partly why it’s done. Treat them mean and keep them keen. So don’t take it personal, listen to your friend for feedback, or this website, as we don't have a PD.

Easier said than done, I know I struggle with this. But my T told me to repeat my achievements and good points to myself over and over, to counter the BPD repeating negative things over and over. This repetition over time is the basic principle of brain washing and propaganda. So now when my BPD tries to repeat one of her matres I cut the conversation immediately (bad signal). Because we know a skilled BPD will get you to believe many untruths given the right exposure. Same principles are used in advertising (i.e. how often to repeat has more effect that the message). Bit like saying "fake news" over and over... .

But never forget, its not you, it's your BPD  distorting the truth, apply prejudice, take council from those with a more objective view, such as this forum. Now can I have my cat back please ? (just joking - keep him)