Personal struggles and heartaches while detaching

[JNChell]

I took my Son to breakfast this morning. Afterward we went grocery shopping. At his age, he likes to sit in the business end of the shopping cart. He likes to have me hand him our items so he can put them in the cart. He also likes to help place our items on the conveyor at the checkout. He’s 3. Today, while strolling the store, he got a very sad look on his face. This has become frequent. I pulled over to the side and asked him if he was okay. He told me, “Daddy, you can come home with me.” I tried to explain to him that I can’t, but I’m always here and I will always be his Daddy. Detaching from the mother of my Son has been hell. I’m hurting over it. He’s such a sweet boy. I see her in him. There’s no way that I can’t. Being with our Son makes me miss her so much. The thing is, I’m better able to parent him without her. She’s not capable of 50/50 parenting. She has to be in control.

This is my current struggle and heartache. Anyone else want to share?

[Mustbeabetterway]

JNChellHell, I am so sorry that you are going through this.  Our daughter is grown, but there were things that she didn’t understand and I remember the heartbreak of disappointing her.  As a matter of fact, she is still struggling with her relationship with her dad.  One good thing I have done is to be a very stable, dependable and calm parent for her.

I know you have really thought this out and are doing the best you can.  How much time are you able to spend with your son?  I know the best thing you can do is create stability for your son. 

Peace and blessings to you,

Mustbe

[JNChell]

Thank you, Must. First 3 weekends and the first and third Tuesday of each month.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi again, JNChellHell, it sounds as if you will have quite a bit of time to spend with your son.  I’m a teacher and I work with a few families who coparent successfully.  From my observations, as time goes on, parents tend to relax and depend on each other more, to do what is best for the child.  I hope that will be your experience, as well.

I think it is a positive thing that seeing your son reminds you of your wife and the love you shared (I think I am getting that right).  Because she will always be the mother of your child and that you see her in him will make it easier for you to be compassionate when/if she needs your understanding.

I am sending all good thoughts and wishes for your family.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi JNChell.

My uBPDh is doing an 11/29 day sentence for assaulting me. He has not seen S2 since Nov. S2 was very attached to his daddy. He fell asleep in the car before my h was arrested, and when he woke up, his daddy was gone and he hasn't seen him since. There is NC allowed between them currently. I thought maybe S2 didn't ask for his daddy because we moved and he doesn't expect to see his daddy in the new house. But one day I went through a drive thru, the same one we used to go to when we would drop uBPDh off at work and then go back and bring him breakfast, and when we went this time and got our food, S2 looked down the street to the shop uBPDh used to work at and said ":)addy?" I froze. It's been like 4 months since we went to this drive thru and took food to his daddy at work. I did not know S2 had that kind of memory. It was also the first time he mentioned his daddy since we left.

It breaks my heart because I can't really explain to S2 why he doesn't see daddy anymore. I try to be a stable and caring parent for S2, but I feel inadequate because I don't want him to experience the pain of missing his father and I am unable to do that. It sucks.

Something else I deal with as far as parenting is that I am still only allowed to see my five older children once a week on a supervised visit. They were removed from my custody because of uBPD's DV five years ago. I have been struggling to get them back ever since. It's a very long and complicated story, but anyhow I am still not allowed to have them unsupervised. I see them once a week for an hour. My sister is their legal guardian and she meets me at McDonald's once a week so I can visit them, except mostly I just watch them play. I am actually meeting with a lawyer tomorrow to see what I can do to petition the court to get unsupervised visitation. Eventually, when I get more financially stable, I plan to file a motion for custody to be restored to me. I always thought it ridiculous that I can have full custody of S2, yet I have to be supervised around my other five kids, all because I did not flee a domestic violence situation. That's the South for you. Backwards as all get-out.

I don't really know what to say to you other than to just let you know that someone else is going through heartache as well, so you are not alone. I know it is hard that you can't be with your son every day and night, but just make the best of the time you do have. As for kids looking like the other parent, well- mine look exactly like their daddy. It absolutely breaks my heart when I see a look cross their face that is "him" all over. I also live in fear that they will end up with some of his issues and behaviors.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I think sometimes though that no matter what situation occurs, parenting=heartache at some point. That's the risk we take when we become mothers and fathers- loving our children so much, and bearing the heartache that comes with it because the pain is worth it for the beautiful little people who depend on us. Stay strong for your S3, and good job reassuring him that you will always be his father, even if you aren't with him every day.

Blessings and peace to you,

Redeemed

[Turkish]

I hope you can get more time with your son,  at least half the time.  No matter who is in his life going forward,  he won't forget that you are his daddy. He won't.  Believe that and never act like he won't believe that.  

My ex left our home when the kids were 1 and just turned 4. Even this past year,  the kids now 5 and 8, they still desire mommy and I together, even though she got married almost there years ago.  What the kids want is normal.  This will keep coming up,  maybe for a few years.  It may be painful to you,  but just keep being his dad and being there for him.  Validate his feelings.  You being his dad is priceless to him.  

This is a good book which can help:

The Power of Validation (for parents) - Karyn D. Hall, PhD

[JNChell]

Hi Must. I currently have the first three weekends and the first and third Tuesday of each month. I will only parallel parent with her at this point. Co-parenting is not an option from my side, and I’m solid on that. I should throw in that we weren’t married, only a couple. Thank you for your kind words.

[JNChell]

IAR, I can’t imagine how it must feel being separated from your children. I’m sorry that you’re in that place. As far as your S2 recognizing the store? These little people need to be given more credit than they get. When I have my S3 I’m zeroed in on everything he says and every observation he vocalizes. Having done this, I’ve realized how intelligent that innocent, clean mind really is. He’s happy and insightful. He’s very in tune with sad emotions, and that worries me. I have broken down and cried in front of him. He’s figuring out why. I know by the comments he makes and the questions he asks. I need to reign that in immediately. On a side note, I love being able to understand what he is trying to convey. Before he came along, I’d be around others with their toddlers and not have a clue what the little ones were saying, and their parents would translate it. I’m doing the same thing now.    IAR, family court seems like a hard place to navigate. Emotions aren’t taken into account. Only facts and what you can prove. Take the steps. Thank you for reaching out.

[JNChell]

Turkish, thank you. I wish I had more time with him. I wish I had everyday. It doesn’t feel right to be away from my child. It hurts. I have a decent amount of time with him compared to many Fathers. Nothing is court ordered. I pay monthly support. The day that my ex and I were striking a deal on overnights, she agreed to a 50/50 situation. Before I could respond, she reneged and cut it 2 days short per month of a 50/50. I know why. It’s not because of him. It’s because of her. Leverage.

Turkish, you’re a Trooper. Your take on this is inspiring and I’m convinced that I will never reach where you are. You seem enlightened beyond a place that I can see. How do you handle situations with your children, being the ages that they are, wanting you and mom back together?

[crunchtime]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Just remember... .being the best you that you can be, and taking care of and prioritizing yourself, will allow you to be the best father that you can be as well.

Missing someone is one of the worst feelings. Even worse when you don't really want to be separated from them in the first place, but you have to. That's the plight of all of us who've been with BPDs. "Knowing better" doesn't make dealing with the insane emotional undertow and heartache easier.

But again... .shift your focus to yourself. The more you focus on the pain, the more you focus on the heartache, the more you'll experience it. I've been having a horrible time lately, but I make a point of writing down in a journal daily at least ONE good experience I had that day. Whether it was hanging out with a friend, or exercising or doing a project by myself -- anything.

Actually, exercise is a good example. It takes daily practice and commitment to get results, and progress can seem to come slowly at first. But feels more natural as time goes on, and someday you can't really imagine living any other way.

That's how it is with emotional and mental health. The "Happy Journal" as I call it is a good daily practice. It will start to train your mind to look for positives instead of negatives, because ONLY positive experiences are in there.

For example... .write something in there about your son. Something you experienced with him that made you feel good. ONLY positive things are allowed in there. I think of it as sacred. Personally, I don't even re-read my Journal. I simply write in it. Getting into a habit of writing into it regularly has worked wonders for me.

You'll notice that bad thoughts will try to intertwine themselves with good ones. "I had a good time with my son, but... .(fill in the blank)." Always some excuse those bad thoughts are trying to make in order to sabotage your legitimately good experiences.

You are doing the best you can with the hand you've been dealt. Or, to look at it another way, you're doing the best you can with the hand you've been forced to play. That is the most anyone can do.

It's okay that it feels overwhelming and even impossible to deal with sometimes. Have the foreknowledge that those feelings will come and go in waves.

What will make the difference is some of the things you do daily. Like the Happy Journal, exercise, or anything else. I think the best course is to simply be honest with yourself: knowing that somedays you might be a wreck, but you are going to push through it anyway and continue building and sustaining these good habits that involve putting yourself and your mental/physical health first.

Good luck, although I know you won't need it. You will be OK. If it helps any I'm pretty sure everyone here can at least somewhat relate to what you're going through in terms of heartache and missing an ex partner. You are never alone.

[Turkish]

JNChell,

I didn't go through this drama,  though I kind of bluffed in the beginning about how much money I would spend fighting her when she hinted she would take the kids.  We worked it out by filing with the court without going to court.  The kids feel how they feel and say what they say.  It's hard not to feel responsible for their feelings,  but at the same time validating them... .and saying "no" in so many words,  age appropriately.

crunchtime has a good point about focusing on yourself.  The first rule of first responders is "make sure you are safe" before wading in to rescue anybody else.  If not,  then you become a victim as well. 

One of my former at risk youth mentees, now 26, called me tonight about a similar situation.  I told him to hire a lawyer and stop the blackmail from his ex about his toddler daughter regarding she cutting his time and trying to bleed him for CS with no court orders regarding custody and CS. He needs to take action to stop this,  otherwise this will go on and on.  His ex is doing the same thing yours is. 

What are your thoughts? What do you need to do in order to stop this?

[JNChell]

Hi Turkish. Thanks for the post. In all honesty, things have gone pretty silent between us, and the threats have stopped. I think I’m going to let the dust continue to settle for now. I do get a pretty decent amount of time with our Son, so I feel fortunate about that. I am making plans to set money aside for legal costs if the need should arise.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi JNChell,

I'm glad you posted about this.     It's a very painful time for you and whilst you love your son it must also be really hard for you to have all the feelings that being around him brings to the surface.  I really feel for you.  If I'd had a child with my BPD ex I can't imagine I'd be doing any differently to you.

I want to also say that I felt your pain when you wrote about what your son said in the supermarket.  I've had a multitude of instances like that with my son and it is truly heart wrenching.  I'm so sorry that you have this situation.  Being away from my son is terribly hard and whilst it's nice to have a little peace sometimes, I miss him a great deal and worry about him adopting his father's unhealthy behaviours as he grows.  I fear this a lot.  Currently that keeps coming up in my counselling. 

One other thing I'll pick up on in your post is that your ex was agreeable to one arrangement and then backtracked.  I'd agree with Turkish about protecting and hopefully even increasing your time with your son.  If at all possible, do think about how things could be made more formal in the not too distant future, just for your own peace of mind and security for your son. 

A plus point of the fact that my son's father took me to family court to try to gain custody of him is that I now have a legal document preventing him from reneging on our arrangements.  He can do unpredictable things and I feel much happier knowing that he has no right to obstruct my time or rashly snatch my son away from me (such things have happened) and that he would fear the repercussions of such actions.  It acts as a deterrent. 

Something I've found helpful with my son, and you will find what works for you, is to speak about missing one another.  I've explained to him that missing one another is a good thing, as it means that we love each other very much and look forward to our time together.  It seems to have eased things for him.  Navigating through any split with a small child is very difficult.  Just remember that you're a great father and that you will always give him the most important things in life, which are your time and your love. 

Love and light x   

[JNChell]

HQ, thanks for posting. I completely understand where you and Turkish are coming from. I’ll be blunt and say that if this goes to court, she has me in the hospital twice for feeling very, very unwell. Both times the police took me to the hospital.

[Harley Quinn]

Do you see that as affecting the outcome of a family law case? 

Love and light x

[JNChell]

HQ, yes. She’s told me that that is all that she needs to make it an open and shut case.

[Harley Quinn]

How long ago was this?  What is different in your life since then?  There are other factors to consider.  It might be worth taking advice.  Could you get a free consultation at a family lawyer's office to talk this over?  Perhaps posting on the family law board is an idea, just to get a feel for things.  It would be in her best interest for you to not want to pursue, so she is bound to want to put you off the idea.

Love and light x

[JNChell]

HQ, it’s been a while. Things have been fairly quiet between us until today. Nothing about time with our Son came up.

[Harley Quinn]

How are you doing since speaking to her?

Love and light x

[JNChell]

Not well. Found out some stuff in a messed up way yesterday. Starting a thread about it. Thanks HQ.

[Speck]

JNChell,

I've read this whole thread and really appreciate what the others have said to you as far as legal matters are concerned. I'm also sorry that this is your situation, and understand that this must be very tough for you.

You strike me as an awesome human being in general and a kick-ass father in particular, so I just wanted to throw that out there.


-Speck

[JNChell]

Thanks, Speck! That means a lot.