Should I continue to send gifts, even though they are unappreciated?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Advice needed,

So it’s my mother in laws birthday coming up... .over the past 30 years I have maintained a relationship with her even when my husband and her were not communicating.She is a huge contributing factor to his borderline personality traits and is one of the reasons for his blow out last year. I haven’t really had any contact since because she out and out lied to me on the phone and is always about drama. However,I have continued to send cards  when a family member died and some chocolates at Christmas time. should I continue to send her gifts for birthdays etc? Over theyears she has not really appreciated what I have sent, complaining about the quality or wanting to take items back ( which is typical behaviour) Part of me thinks that if I don’t I am being like her but on the other hand if I do I don’t want to deliver the message that her behaviour is ok. My husband says to send nothing... .thoughts?

[knit knack]

Advice needed,

So it’s my mother in laws birthday coming up... .over the past 30 years I have maintained a relationship with her even when my husband and her were not communicating.She is a huge contributing factor to his borderline personality traits and is one of the reasons for his blow out last year. I haven’t really had any contact since because she out and out lied to me on the phone and is always about drama. However,I have continued to send cards  when a family member died and some chocolates at Christmas time. should I continue to send her gifts for birthdays etc? Over theyears she has not really appreciated what I have sent, complaining about the quality or wanting to take items back ( which is typical behaviour) Part of me thinks that if I don’t I am being like her but on the other hand if I do I don’t want to deliver the message that her behaviour is ok. My husband says to send nothing... .thoughts?

[zachira]

Do what feels right for you. You might continue to send the gifts, as people who act like your mother-in-law are not likely to get many birthday gifts and much appreciation from others, and sometimes a little bit of kindness can make a difference even though it does not seem to. On the other hand, if you really do not want to send her any more gifts and are comfortable doing this, then do not send her anything, though be prepared for whatever she might do, and she might not do anything.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Knit knack, 

Let me join Zachira in welcoming you to our online family!

I agree with Zachira, that it's really up to you. What would you like to do, without thinking about what your MIL says with her responses, or what DH says to you. Sure you know she isn't appreciative based on her words and comments. Can you be okay with that if you continue to send her cards? Unfortunately a relationship with a pwBPD is often greatly one sided. If you can approach gift giving in a manner that works for you, then by all means do what you're most comfortable with.

My mom was an uBPD, and my DH also shares traits that remind me of her quite frequently. You are not alone! 

Wools

[knit knack]

Thanks for your advice! You are right I guess not sending anything is not “ me”  but I don’t have to call or engage in conversation. So that is what I will do!
 Knit knack