Relationship deteriorating rapidly- Pt 2

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My original post on this topic was locked due to length, so I'm continuing the thread here.

Update:

I was about to start interviewing attorneys just in case H decided to file for divorce as he had said, but then I got suddenly hospitalized for a few days.
After I got out of ICU and put into a regular room, the staff told me that they had contacted H (my emergency contact) bc they had been considering intubating me and asked if he would come to the hospital to make decisions for me if need be. They told me he simply said that no, he wouldn't come there or make any decisions on my behalf. Luckily, they did not have to intubate. I spent the next 4 days inpatient, recovering, physically & emotionally.

When I was released on Monday, I got an email from H which began with, "My lawyer instructed me to email you this information." The rest of the email explained all of the things he had done while I was in the hospital: He met with his lawyer and started the paperwork for the divorce, entered our home twice to take some things he'd forgotten, & took half of the money from our joint bank account. He said he will no longer be using our joint account, and agreed to give a set amount each month to help with bills until other arrangements can be made (The amount is not nearly enough & all the bills are linked to that acct). He also said he has no reason to enter our home again. He ended the email by saying that he agrees with his lawyer that there should be no further contact between us.

I have not contacted him & have yet to hear anything directly from his lawyer.

This leaves me having to find a lawyer ASAP, with no time for interviewing several bc of the now dire financial situation and also due to the fact that I need to find home care immediately.
I have an initial consultation tomorrow with an attorney (highly recommended by our marriage counselor). If I am happy with her, I'll have to hire her bc I need legal advice now. I simply can't afford the time to search for other lawyers.

So it appears this is really happening. I suppose there is a small glimmer of hope that he will come back to baseline and regain rational thought, but at this point I am preparing to accept that I will never see him again. If he did decide to come home, I couldn't legally stop him, but would reiterate my request for a trial separation and continuation of MC.

H has moved in with his horribly abusive UBPD (and possibly sociopathic) mother. They absolutely despise each other, so I can't comprehend his decision to live with her. He moved back in with her after his last divorce too. The pattern seems to be that he gets married, gets divorced, moves back to his old neighborhood to live with a relative, finds another woman, and starts the whole cycle again.

I've informed my family and friends and they are being supportive. Every one of them was utterly stunned.

I was distraught for a few days, but I'm now in "moxie" mode and thinking only of my survival.

[bananas2]

My original post on this topic was locked due to length, so I'm continuing the thread here.

Update:

I was about to start interviewing attorneys just in case H decided to file for divorce as he had said, but then I got suddenly hospitalized for a few days.
After I got out of ICU and put into a regular room, the staff told me that they had contacted H (my emergency contact) bc they had been considering intubating me and asked if he would come to the hospital to make decisions for me if need be. They told me he simply said that no, he wouldn't come there or make any decisions on my behalf. Luckily, they did not have to intubate. I spent the next 4 days inpatient, recovering, physically & emotionally.

When I was released on Monday, I got an email from H which began with, "My lawyer instructed me to email you this information." The rest of the email explained all of the things he had done while I was in the hospital: He met with his lawyer and started the paperwork for the divorce, entered our home twice to take some things he'd forgotten, & took half of the money from our joint bank account. He said he will no longer be using our joint account, and agreed to give a set amount each month to help with bills until other arrangements can be made (The amount is not nearly enough & all the bills are linked to that acct). He also said he has no reason to enter our home again. He ended the email by saying that he agrees with his lawyer that there should be no further contact between us.

I have not contacted him & have yet to hear anything directly from his lawyer.

This leaves me having to find a lawyer ASAP, with no time for interviewing several bc of the now dire financial situation and also due to the fact that I need to find home care immediately.
I have an initial consultation tomorrow with an attorney (highly recommended by our marriage counselor). If I am happy with her, I'll have to hire her bc I need legal advice now. I simply can't afford the time to search for other lawyers.

So it appears this is really happening. I suppose there is a small glimmer of hope that he will come back to baseline and regain rational thought, but at this point I am preparing to accept that I will never see him again. If he did decide to come home, I couldn't legally stop him, but would reiterate my request for a trial separation and continuation of MC.

H has moved in with his horribly abusive UBPD (and possibly sociopathic) mother. They absolutely despise each other, so I can't comprehend his decision to live with her. He moved back in with her after his last divorce too. The pattern seems to be that he gets married, gets divorced, moves back to his old neighborhood to live with a relative, finds another woman, and starts the whole cycle again.

I've informed my family and friends and they are being supportive. Every one of them was utterly stunned.

I was distraught for a few days, but I'm now in "moxie" mode and thinking only of my survival.

[schwing]

Hi bananas2,

I understand that what your BPDh did appears heartless and cold. But I'd like you to consider that his actions are practically scripted by his disorder.  As I see it, while you were in the hospital and your health got serious enough that they considered intubating you, your BPD loved one was reacting to his disordered fear of abandonment.  Because there was the possibility that you might die, his disordered mind interpreted that possibility as you abandoning him.  And so in order to avoid that potential abandonment, he had to leave you before you could leave him (i.e. die).  And he did so even though it meant he had to move back in with his mother.

Now that you are out of the hospital, his abandonment fear is likely abated, and he may choose to get back in contact with you; perhaps when it gets bad enough with his mother, perhaps if he is unsuccessful at finding a new favorite person.  So please prepare yourself for this possibility.

[Grey Kitty]

bananas2,

I've not been around much, but I thought I'd pop in and offer a    

This sounds really rough.

One practical thing I'd suggest is that you think about if there is anybody else who can be a medical advocate for you besides your husband--he clearly isn't reliable for that, and deal with that. If there isn't a friend or family member you can trust, you might have to use your lawyer.

And yes, your H's emotions cycle fast. He might try to come back. Prepare yourself for it--do you even want to let him back? If not, consider changing the locks.

  Hang in there and heal quickly!

[bananas2]

I understand that what your BPDh did appears heartless and cold. But I'd like you to consider that his actions are practically scripted by his disorder.  As I see it, while you were in the hospital and your health got serious enough that they considered intubating you, your BPD loved one was reacting to his disordered fear of abandonment.  Because there was the possibility that you might die, his disordered mind interpreted that possibility as you abandoning him.  And so in order to avoid that potential abandonment, he had to leave you before you could leave him (i.e. die).  And he did so even though it meant he had to move back in with his mother.

My thoughts exactly. It initially felt "heartless and cold," but I quickly realized that the fear of abandonment is foremost in his mind.

He might try to come back. Prepare yourself for it--do you even want to let him back? If not, consider changing the locks.

Changing the locks would put me in a world of legal trouble, as we are both on the lease, so I won't be doing that. I seriously doubt he will ever come back, as I fear he has gone to the "dark side," and for all intents and purposes, I am "dead" to him now. As to the question, ":)o you even want to let him back?," No, not at this time. The only thing I could offer him at this point would be a separation with contact. He would have to demonstrate a significant period of progress in order for him to re-enter my life as my partner.

Update:
I just learned a few hours ago (via social media) that H's father died yesterday. H did not inform me. The viewings are tomorrow morning (while I'm meeting with my divorce lawyer) & tomorrow eve (while I'm in session with my T). I'm crushed that I can't be there for H, but realize that he probably doesn't want me there, bc if he did, he would have notified me. It's so incredibly difficult to not reach out to him right now.
I am staying in the mindset of loving the man, but hating the disorder.

[Radcliff]

Hello bananas2,

I am so sorry for the rough time you're having      

It is good to see you on the boards.  I can tell that you've got your "Moxie" on, and I'm glad you can call on those reserves to get connected to a lawyer, get home care started, and do all the other things you need to do to adjust to this sad news.  If your lawyer was highly recommended by your MC, that's a good sign.  I am sure she'll do a good job looking out for you.

You haven't spoken recently of your father-in-law.  Was his condition deteriorating in the last couple of weeks in a way that could have added to your H's stress and aggravated his BPD?  Was his father still with his mother?

Please keep us posted so we can support you for any setbacks, or celebrate any gains, no matter how large or small.

      

WW

[formflier]

   

 If we think about first things first, focus on how to take care of your health.  I hope you can find someone you trust to grant a health care power of attorney to.

Also work on solving the issue of home care and medical care in general.  Frankly, I would consider that more important than hiring  a lawyer, although I get they are not mutually exclusive.

I would also get you a personal financial account.  Move "your half" of the money over to that one (to mirror your hubby's move) and any future money he provides, I would keep out of his reach.

Do whatever to unlink bills.




Below is a more minor issue, but one I think you should reconsider.

Changing the locks would put me in a world of legal trouble, as we are both on the lease, so I won't be doing that. 

What would happen to you? 


 

FF

[Auspicious]

Just a quick     you are in such a tough spot