BPD Parent driving me insane

[JessicaStar]

So I have a BPD parent who lives out of state. She is getting older and she is very difficult to say the least. A few months ago she fell. She had a small injury but I knew what was coming -- that she would expect me to rescue her, as she has many times in the past, including when I was a child. I've resisted and resisted while she texts me 20 times a day. She had a friend who was helping out when she needed a hand (like a prescription being picked up) and recently he told me he can't handle it anymore as she's gotten increasingly abusive and hostile. Now she wants me to get her a nurse and has started throwing up over the last few weeks. There's nothing wrong with her physically (they tested her for everything they could think of) and I'm not surprised as the throwing up/not eating is a pattern. Recently I told her she may need help as BPD issues seem to be arising and she told me she doesn't have BPD and is now very angry. I don't think she's talking to me, but of course that's just for now. Basically my issue is, how do you deal with an aging BPD parent who won't take care of themselves and have healthy boundaries at the same time? I have limited financial resources so it's not like I can pay someone else to take  care of her, and I haven't gone for a visit because I'm concerned I can't take the abuse. I feel guilty, I know the throwing up is a manipulation but I'm scared she'll hurt herself, I feel scared. I literally feel like she's going to read this and do -- I don't know even know what! Basically I'm looking for recovery and strategies on how to deal with her and my own guilt and shame. Any feedback or experience would be much appreciated.

[kitsch]

Hi JessicaStar,

I think I understand where you are coming from as I have some similar issues with my father who is also aging and pretty manipulative in his neediness. It’s very challenging for us as adult children because we have healing to do and also need to balance helping and staying secure and sane ourselves. A relationship like you describe is one I assume that you wish was just better or different. I personally am often mad that I am here now dealing with a very challenging parent that I did not choose and right when I think maybe something will get better he messes it up/ sabotages or complains and gets more attention in new ways.

I think my first words of advice is to recognize that you are in a lose- lose relationship with your parent. Maybe find someone (doesn’t have to be a therapist) that will allow you to express your grief - the loss of having a stable parent.  Assume that your relationship will be challenging, ongoing.
Next I would say that think about the kind of relationship you are able to engage in with your parent. This could really range to – I need to cut them out of my life to you want to help them. If you choose to keep them in your life (which is what I did with my father) try to frame what it is that you can do with them in your life. How much contact is reasonable? How many times a day/week or month are you willing to have contact and in what way? I think with a BPD parent boundaries are really hard to have clear in your head for all the situations that come up when issues arise. Write your own boundaries down and try to keep them. Communicate them clearly to your parent (even though they will push them and likely not comprehend outside how it will affect them).  In my experience my dad always finds new methods to push my boundaries- things like saying he will die or using guilt etc.… I am sure you parent has their “go-to” tactics- maybe it’s being mean or whatever. Know that this is how they operate and try to have “canned” responses that you have learned for yourself. 

I think the fact that you live far away must be especially hard because she can use guilt and that you are not there at all times. I wonder – if she expresses extreme medical issues ,  have called 911 and reported that you fear for her life? I think it depends state by state how “good” the 911 mental health team is, but especially if she is a senior you may want to call senior services in her state and express that you worry for her safety. Also you can ask what kind of services you may be able to help coordinate for her.
-   Can she/ is she eligible for a home health aid? Other things that may be covered by Medicaid?
-   In-home counseling? (there are special programs for seniors)
-   If she is not open to anything and she poses self-harm as a threat – tell her you will call 911 and follow through on it. You literally can call a mental health team and say she is stating that she cannot stop vomiting and you believe she is in imminent harm.
-   Does she engage with any other people at all? Is there anyone that can help you check in on her that also knows that you are challenged by her?
-   Is she engaged or could she get engaged at all with a local senior center for something like signing up for the right medicare programs or getting reduced transportation? Sometimes my dad will only engage with “help” when he feels like he gets something for it. So is there anything that might make her “tick” or meet with someone for something she wants?

Anyway, it’s really a hard struggle no matter what, in my experience. Make sure you get support for your feelings around your parent as your negative experience will likely not go away and you need to be able to process your own struggles regularly in order to help her at all. Try your best if anything to keep posting on this site so you can regulate your negative feelings about your mom so when you do talk with her you are not already fueled with anger for what she is doing. Because you have a right to feel pissed as all hell, but that is not very helpful in the long run to share your anger with her.

[onlyfaith]

Welcome JessicaStar,

I empathize with what you are dealing with, and complete concur with the advice "lynnmaryk" gave you.  All of it was great advice.  Recognize you are in a lose-lose relationship, but define what YOU want this relationship to be.   My FIL is in a similar situation as your mother - aging and using manipulative tactics to gain our help.  He always finds something wrong with himself and the doctors can't.  He abuses medication as well.  He lives in the same town so when boundaries are set up, he just shows up at our door.  Be thankful for the space and distance you have to process things.  I applaud your insight - you already know your mother is using manipulative tactics on you and can take care of herself.  You are not responsible for her behavior. 

We have seen a counselor and I would suggest this for you as well.  Most religious counseling centers (and non-religious ones) will work with your financial situation.  I think this is key for your sanity.  Check local agencies in your mother's area for home health care or services like it.  There are many public (sometimes free) resources for the aging in most cities.  Your response to her needs to be consistent and in keeping with whatever help you determine to give her - not what she says she needs. 

We offer advice only with my FIL and only when he asks for help (which is often) .  He can take it or leave it, but we are no longer stepping in to help him.  We use the same phrase with him over and over "we love you dad but we can't help you with ... ." 

You won't change her and will not convince her she is BPD.  It's a lot to process and I encourage you to seek help and set proper boundaries for yourself.   It's the only way to be healthy.