My Husand died last June. I found out about BPD last month

[Imarriedhim]

Dear Reader

Hello, I found out full details about BPD last month. My husband of 43 years was clearly never quite normal; very irritable, never apologising, blaming me for things that weren't me.  I now know more, and understand more.

I am new to this and will be happy to help you here, as I have all those years of experience.

Sadly, my husband died last June age 67 years, of colon cancer. The illness was very rapid, he was poorly for 3 months.  It is very sad that he has died. I was retired for less than 2 years when he died, I was 66 years old at the time.

I'll leave you to work out how we felt about losing him, as there is a great deal that I am sad about, I have lost his company, and the security and joint goals and money that is part of being with another person. And all the shared memories, we have three grown up children in their 30s.    But I am not sad that I won't now experience the irritable and difficult bits of being with him.

I've learned about this illness last month, it is a weight off my shoulders, I WAS right when I thought that his behaviour was wrong.   I WAS right to think that he was ill.  

But I am sad that we could not have dealt with this when he was with us, as I understand him better now I know that this is a real personality disorder, with altered brain patterns.  And I could have been kinder to him.   I am cross that he did not validate me and that he hurt me; but I am sad that I could have helped him more.

He took early retirement in 2002 age 52, he studied a psychology degree in 2006-09 ----- HE KNEW!    he did not share with me ... .what missed opportunities.  

What memories do we want to leave behind?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ble55ed]

Dear Imarriedhim,

Welcome to the group, and please accept my condolences on the loss and thank for your generous spirit in coming on this board willing to help others. Isn't it wonderful to learn about BPD and realize, after years of feeling alone, that there is a name for what your family has experienced, it's very real and here is a community of support?

I'm sort of new here myself, married 19 years and together 27 years with my BPDh, who is almost 59. He lost his job at 52 and it has turned into an early retirement, too. I'm 50 now, and we have an 11-year-old daughter. I struggle to be kinder on a daily basis, as well as struggle to deal with the difficulties that come with having a spouse with BPD (in my case, right now, mostly social/familial and financial), so I am always looking to learn from others' experience.

Ble55ed

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Imarriedhim,

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I can imagine how conflicting it's been to experience the grief of loss but also the relief of not having to fight anymore. I've always wondered how that would look if I were in the same situation.

How are you doing? Did you have children together?

Although you H had a psych degree, if it's only a bachelors he probably did not know about BPD. Most bachelor degrees teach you how to perform studies and understand theories. Very rarely do undergraduates get deeply into mental illnesses except maybe a class or two. In my Abnormal Psych class BPD was mentioned in a very small lesson on only one day. It was such a small blip in the class that I didn't even recognize the symptoms in my H.

[pearlsw]

Hi Imarriedhim,

So sorry for your loss. I know how difficult it can be when a family member has cancer. I would like to gently say though that although you have found out now, after his passing, about BPD to please, for your own sake, not spend too much time in a state of regret. If there are things you'd like to say to him you could write to him or pray about it, whatever might help you process it, but... .well, and even just helping support others here you'd be doing what you could to turn what feels like a missed opportunity with him into some good in this world. That is great that you want to put something good into the world from your own painful experiences! 

warmly, pearl.

p.s. Even if he "knew" or suspected, being able to stay in the frame of mind and do something about it is extremely challenging... .perhaps best not to second guess this... .

[Imarriedhim]

Dear Ble55ed

Yes, despite the sadness and difficulties, it IS wonderful to know about this group and to be able to share and to support others.

I know what you mean about struggling to be kinder on a daily basis. I was exactly the same. That is SO me!    In the book 'Stop walking on eggshells' I read that we nonBPD will benefit from looking after ourselves, it helps us to be strong.  We can take our lives back, boost our self esteem and our identity and perhaps give ourself a treat (a coffee, a choc bar, a treat!)     

And on this website, I read about SET,   Support ... .give empathy ... .then tell the truth

Very best wishes, we know what you are going through

[Imarriedhim]

Dear Tattered Heart

Yes, we had three children, they are now in their middle to late 30s, one with 2 grandchildren, and mu daughter is expecting a little boy (she is delighted)
They are close in age, and are different in character, but good friends, and were able to confer and support each other especially as teenagers.

Yes, yes, the relief of not having to fight anymore!  It is sad to think that we did not unduly care that he is no longer with us.  Fancy family not caring! They were anxious for their young growing families that he might become cross and fierce on family occasions.   We had separately mourned the nice dad, some years ago

About the pysch degree, I see what you are saying, thanks.

this is all soo soo helpful

[Imarriedhim]

Dear pearlsw

Thank you, I read what you are saying about not regretting too much.  Thank you, it will be OK.  I am undergoing bereavement therapy, and how I feel about him will stay within this counselling few months, then I will know how I feel.   

I would have helped him more, if we had addressed this illness earlier.

I do want to use my feelings to help others, I hope it will help. I have been the same, on arthritis websites/Facebook and diverticulitis facebook groups. These are the painful illnesses that I have and I was glad to help others.   It makes me feel better. And I continued to  do knitting with the residents in the Care Home for a couple of years after my father died in 2011.  I feel healed by this, and I know it helps the recipients.

Anyway, I am moved to read the kind things you wrote.  And I feel for all the persons who are in a relationship with a BPD, as I know how hard it can be.   I send you all my strength... .

[Radcliff]

Imarriedhim,

Welcome to the boards!  This is a wonderful community for supporting those in a relationship with a pwBPD.  Your experience can be of great help here.  We are glad you have found us!

WW