Indifference

[knit knack]

I am having a really hard time forgiving my husband lately to the point where I feel nothing other than sadness right now. I have forgiven him so many times, but it’s the same thing over and over.He has gone through a year of relative “peace” but lately his moods/outbursts are becoming more frequent.

After 31 years of marriage I opened up my own bank account last year(we have had a joint one for 31 years he has had his own account too for many years) he doesn’t work outside the home, he stayed home to raise our daughter, has various excuses why he can’t work like it will put us into another tax bracket.he is a very smart guy but has no drive to make anything of himself.

I am a Registered a Nurse in the recovery room I deal with chronic pain and anxious patients every day so I think my coping skills are pretty good but what does one do when your husband has on more than one occasion accused you of “ stealing” money, rants that your daughter who has accomplished so much in her 22 years is a “liar” who tells your best friend that you are a “raging alcoholic”. Stating that daughters boyfriend of 6 years is a “psychopath. I don’t know what else to do but withdraw.

He saw psychologist without me tells me he said there is nothing wrong with him. Goodness knows what picture he painted. And afterwards, there’s the subtle actions that suggest he’s sorry... .buying me something, waiting till very late at night for me to come home and eat dinner but never actually saying “sorry” once when I was thinking about leaving he admitted he had to be the king of his castle and if he couldn’t be that “things don’t go so well”  that prompted a year of peace.

yes we have been to counselling years ago but when the therapist told him he had some work to do and wanted to see him privately alone he didn’t continue. Does anyone have any suggestions of what I should be/ could be doing? Usually after he calms down I seek him out and talk with him and usually that is when he complains about what he isn’t happy with ie our sex life, me not saving money, we aren’t making money(we own our own house and have No debt... .)all of these things he isn’t happy with are my fault too according to him

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi knit knack,

For a long time I had a hard time with forgiving my husband. He'd behave horribly and then I'd withdraw. Years ago it was like this. It was not the right approach I finally found. It is not easy to be a caretaker. Perhaps we don't get mad enough at times... .but giving someone "a taste of their own medicine" by withdrawing ultimately does more harm then good. These kinds of relationships take a lot of effort. You can take a few steps forward, for example my "h" and I had big issues around sex, but I took the time to work on that a bit and things improved a lot after what could have been dealbreaker issues. This was also years ago... .

I'd say that forgiveness does not mean to forget. But letting resentment and bitterness eat you up inside is not good. That does not mean you should skip over these emotions though either. You have to allow yourself to be upset and then move forward. It can become natural if you adjust your mindset, but it takes a lot of effort to learn to work with your thoughts. But ultimately these are just thoughts. And you can learn to let such things go.

Oh and after reading again... .you can withdraw from conversations, that is perfectly okay, especially when done in a fair, communicative way, but be careful to not withdraw from the relationship entirely. When I see my "h" I simply see someone who is not so skilled at relationships... .when I have the strength I try to share my skills and remain open... .and it is important to give him credit for the things he does do well, whatever they may be, so he can have the feeling he can do things right too... .

By the way, congratulations and owning the house and no debt! He may not acknowledge it for you at times, but I can! That's great! Be happy! Enjoy!

There are a lot of issues here, which one would you prioritize to work on with him?

warmly, pearl.

[knit knack]

Thanks for your insight Pearl,

it just feels like I am the one doing all the chasing and adapting all the time! Sometimes he just keeps going till he gets the knee jerk response but I have been trying really carefully not to take the bait for that. I believe deep down he has feelings of worthlessness just from odd statements that he makes sometimes. I suppose one good thing from all of this is how strong I have become!Ive had to be. What I had decided was that if he chooses to end the relationship it would be his choice not mine in the past I have threatened to leave and I realize that was the wrong thing to do, kind of like a self fulfilling prophecy for him but now that I am limit setting he doesn’t like it and I think in his mind it may come across as “she must be getting ready to leave” but I am not. I am here, I will continue to be here unless he decides he wants out. Basically, I am his only friend

[Imarriedhim]

Yes, Knitknack, you ARE strong; you are VERY STRONG, in this relationship. You are doing all the emotional work, you are cushioning his moods and emotions. You are enabling the relationship to be as good as it is.  It IS always you that makes the running, the atmosphere. You ARE strong, VERY STRONG.

And others of us here on this site are in a very similar position; we know what you are going through and how hard it is. And we wish you all our strength to make things better for you.

I am posting this from Google, as a reminder:

"When borderline personality disorder (BPD) makes communicating with your loved one difficult, following the support, empathy and truth (SET) method can help. It can be a way for you to talk with a friend or family member who is struggling with BPD and make her feel heard and understood."

Support ... .give empathy ... .then tell the truth

 I aim to do this, but often I am deep in the conversation, before I remember what I should do better.

Don't take it personally, your dear Hubby sees the world differently, in black and white, though he is inflexible. He cannot help it, the doctors now know that BPDs have brains that behave differently.  More inflexible, more negative.  detach with love, and take care of yourself.

Look after yourself, to keep you strong.

Very best wishes, it is a hard road we all are walking.

'Imarriedhim'

[knit knack]

 

[Radcliff]

Hi Knitknack,

Tell us about your limit setting.  Setting boundaries can be crucial for the non-BPD person to continue to do well in a relationship with a pwBPD.  What limits have you been setting?  What as worked?  What has not?

WW