Reconciliation With Wife After BPD Diagnosis?

[Mister Mxyzptlk]

Hey Y'all,

Yep, I'm a Noob... .so here goes... .I'm 53, on my second marriage of two years now to a woman 44 with undiagnosed BPD and/or NPD. For a year or so, I had no idea what BPD was... .I thought I was absolutely bat___ crazy! My wife is very charming, beautiful, and has a heart for people. When our counselor suggested to me she may have BPD, I dove into every internet article, book, etc I could get my hands on to understand the dynamic. Even still, I questioned myself especially because I am diagnosed (for many years now) with depression. As you can imagine, a depressed codependent together with her issues has made life very difficult. Topping it off, I am a stepdad to a brilliant 11 yr old girl (who also exhibits BPD traits, ADHD, and is often inconsolable, refuses to do what we ask her to do, walk dog, empty dishwasher, clean room etc), and a 14 yr old boy with Asperger's and the stress level in our home has been through the roof, especially when my wife explodes in anger to the point the boy runs outside and hides, while the girl usually can shrug it off saying she's used to it. But, I am her main target.

Two weeks ago, after trying to have a conversation with my wife about what's been going on, and why I feel the way I feel, she goes off on the projecting and gaslighting to where she denies any responsibility or wrongdoing etc. Shocker, right? So, I packed up a bag with a few things and left the house telling her I was going to stay with my parents for a week to give each other some space. Two weeks later, I'm still here, but no because I don't want to go back. Anyways, I finally have been able to get my wife to agree to be evaluated by a Psychiatrist but havn't been able to land an appointment yet. I love and miss my wife terribly, but I also know I refuse to be emotionally and verbally abused anymore. My faith is the only thing that keeps me afloat and trying to stay in the game. My wife says she wants ME to also be evaluated because I may be the one with BPD. Great! Let's do it!

My fear, is that because she is so charming and has the verbal skills of a prosecuting attorney, that she is going to pull every trick during the eval to conn the doctor. I am praying I find one that can see through the BS. Assuming she is officially diagnosed, and agrees to treatment etc, I am willing to support her. But, if she doesn't, I see no other choice but to protect myself. Fortunately, I have a great counselor who has been helping me to build my self esteem back up and recognize the BS for what it is. I am finally now out of the fog  and confusion I've been living in married to a master controller and manipulator through the help of my counselor.

So, here's my question: Has anyone successfully navigated the waters of having a loved one diagnosed with BPD and decided to stay and help them (assuming they wanted help)? Specifically, what can I expect if she does agree to treatment and I do stay, I know the problem won't go away overnight, but I need to know there are some success stories out there for encouragement. Thanks for letting me sound off!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Mister Mxyzptik,

I'm sorry that  you haven't been able to be in the home, but I get your need to protect yourself from negative behavior. Congratulations on your wife agreeing to go seek help. I do hope that she is open and honest with the doctor about things. Will you be going to the appointment with her?

I believe there is hope. My H and I are in a very good place, especially considering things were at their worst almost a year ago. He still has issues, but those issues pop up every couple of months as opposed to every other day. We have a lot of lessons on the right side of the page that can help you learn more about living with someone with BPD.

Even if your W does not continue with counseling, is it something you would consider for yourself to work through all of the emotions of being in a BPD relationship?

[Mutt]

Hi Mister Mxyzptik,



I'd like to join Tattered heart and welcome you to bpdfamily. I can see how difficult it would be being in your position right now you want to go back home but your tired of the blaming, emotional distress etc. I completely understand.

Specifically, what can I expect if she does agree to treatment and I do stay, I know the problem won't go away overnight, but I need to know there are some success stories out there for encouragement.

I know that you want her to get better soon, I just want you to be prepared, the personality is a difficult thing to say and to be told that you have the most difficult personality disorder would be really difficult news to hear. Another option is radical acceptance:


Radical Acceptance - Marsha Linehan PhD

[Red5]

Hello Mister Mxyzptlk,
Welcome, and wow, your story is very similar to my own.
*over fifty and second marriage
*I too have a special needs son from my previous marraige living with us.
*my second wife I also suspect is BPD undiagnosed.
*my life with her has been a roller coaster, ten years relationship, eight years married.
*most everything you describe I can also relate too.

I wish I had more time to write, but I have to go for now, please just know this is a good and safe place you have found.

I hope to chat more tomorrow, take good care, and again welcome,

Red5

[Mister Mxyzptlk]

Hi Mister Mxyzptik,

I'm sorry that  you haven't been able to be in the home, but I get your need to protect yourself from negative behavior. Congratulations on your wife agreeing to go seek help. I do hope that she is open and honest with the doctor about things. Will you be going to the appointment with her?

I believe there is hope. My H and I are in a very good place, especially considering things were at their worst almost a year ago. He still has issues, but those issues pop up every couple of months as opposed to every other day. We have a lot of lessons on the right side of the page that can help you learn more about living with someone with BPD.

Even if your W does not continue with counseling, is it something you would consider for yourself to work through all of the emotions of being in a BPD relationship?