confused. two of us with BPD or something

[Evil Genie]

stuck in situation. and very confused.
about 6 years i'm trying to find problems in my head.
about a 1.5 years i'm trying to find a reason of troubles in relations with my ex|GF.
finally. truma, BPD etc.


we met about 1.5 years ago on dog walk. both divorced. a lot of walks, a lot of talkings.
in a  month we came together.
everything just like fairy tale. man, woman, child, two dogs. everyone love each other.

a little bit later this fairy tale became a hell.

breakup every month. invalidation after breakup. reversing. everything just fine.
breakup. invalidation. reversing. fairy tale.
total breakup for 6 month.
reversing for 5 month.
breakup this NY.
after NY i spent a lot of time with my stepdaughter. couple day in a week. sometimes almost everyday.

i can't describe all details right now because of my english.
i'll better answer questions. or describe something a little bit later.

i love them all. i want to be happy. i want all of them be happy.
now i feel tired, depressed, lonely.
 need support. like to talk to someone who understands what BPD is.

PS
first step is really hard

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[Mutt]

Hi Evil Genie,

first step is really hard

It takes courage thanks for having the courage to sign up you're in the right place members here undertand what a r/s is like with a pwBPD the push / pull behaviour from a pwBPD can feel like crazy making behaviour to the non. Are you on a break up cycle now?

[RolandOfEld]

Welcome Evil Genie! The first step is indeed the hardest, and often the biggest.

Cycling is a common characteristic of life with the BPD. My wife tends to cycle and it makes it very hard to get your footing as you try to understand which reality is the real one. The more you understand BPD the more you'll understand the situation and your mobility within the situation will start to increase.

I think the first step is usually learning how to take care of ourselves. By coming here, you've already shown you want to do that.

You say you want everyone to be happy. What would make you happy, right now?

Yrs,
ROE

[Evil Genie]

Hi Evil Genie,



Are you on a break up cycle now?

Thanks. Yes.

Welcome Evil Genie! The first step is indeed the hardest, and often the biggest.

Cycling is a common characteristic of life with the BPD. My wife tends to cycle and it makes it very hard to get your footing as you try to understand which reality is the real one. The more you understand BPD the more you'll understand the situation and your mobility within the situation will start to increase.

I think the first step is usually learning how to take care of ourselves. By coming here, you've already shown you want to do that.

You say you want everyone to be happy. What would make you happy, right now?

Yrs,
ROE

I think gym, cycling, motorcycling will Make me happy. And a lot of sun in  the sky.
Started to train in gym couple days ago.

[Evil Genie]

yesterday i started reading Atlas Shrugged.
today i took a one hour ride on bike.

this evening i spent two hours with stepdaughter. it was great
almost total ignorance from her mother. "push" cycle?
i'm not really sure about BPD. not enough experience.
keep going on. lessons etc

[Evil Genie]

backstory
both divorced. started to date in a week after divorces.
i can't say that it was dates. it was walks with her daughter and ours dogs.
in the morning i took her dog for a walk (what can than one labrador? yeap. two labradors) . i wanted to give her a little more time to rest and to care about her daughter.  she looked so vulnerable and tired with little child.
that moment she lived with her mother.  it was very stressful situation for them all.
after a walk i cooked breakfast for all of us. after breakfast they periodically stayed for a couple hours.
while i was doing my job they do something together. watching movies, reading a books.

in a three weeks i had to take a one week trip and i asked her to take care of my dog.
i asked her to stay at my apartment for this period of time. еo relax from life with mom including.

one of the first quarrels occurred this tour. i dont remember details.
after i return everything was just fine. until next trip.
after second trip there was first break up. for a three weeks. that's was my fault.

[Evil Genie]

after couple of weeks in break up there was an reverse. couple day everything ok.
than i found out that she moved to her ex-husband. break up.

a week later she knocked out the door of my apartment. reverse.
continuing to live together with  little quarrels until my next work trip. we had another serious quarrel in the end of my trip.

another break up.

a week later another reverse. couple weeks including holidays just like fairy tale.

another quarrel. another breakup for couple weeks.

another reverse was on the birthday of our daughter. i came to congratulate my stepdaughter and
preset gift to her. than i left. in an hour she came to my apartment. we had another quarrel because of cleaning woman who cleaned the apartment.
continuing to live together. 3-4 weeks. fairy tale.
another business trip. it was exhausted.
a week later another break up after serious quarrel with aggression.
she slapped me into face. i slapped her.
she smashed into the wall a photo in a glass frame.
I remember shouting at each other. something like "i hate you!", " you are ass!", "if I'm a ass, then who are you?", "i don't want to see you never again!". "take your    belongings ad get out of my place!"
than she took her stuff and left.

that break up cycle took 6 moth of total ignorance.

[Evil Genie]

right now i understand that it was dependent or codependent relationships.
i'm trying to understand is this BPD or something.
help me please to find this out
thanks.

[Evil Genie]

as i think when relationship became to close one of us steps back and push back.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Evil Genie, I'm sorry you've had to go through such a chaotic experience, especially with someone you care about.

Codependency is something I'm working very hard on myself right now. I still see my wife's BPD as the key chaotic force in our relationship, but after all I allowed her to do the things she did with little consequence. Whether your partner has BPD or not, what it really comes down to in any relationships is setting boundaries.

You might want to start by having a look at these two skills workshops that I found deeply helpful:

Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependency
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0

Boundaries and Values
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

You said you think these problems are especially strong when you become too close. Do you feel afraid of intimacy with her, or do you think it's mostly on her side?

~ROE

[Thor2018]

Hi EG,
I am sorry to hear that you are in such distress. I am in the exact same situation. She actually smashed a picture on the wall too! For me I allowed it to happen because I was so attracted to her. I am working on finding myself again and getting happy positive things in my life. I am also looking into my severe codependency. Exercise is a great call. Keep doing it. I am learning that the less I think about her, the less it hurts but that's really hard to do. When you reconnect do you find that it is you who does all the fixing and apologizing?