My Story of someone I loved

[Lucky Jim]

I have a feeling she was sexually abused as a child, and now she think I am that "object other" the person who abused her.

Hey magician, You could be right.  It's common for a pwBPD to have suffered some sort of childhood trauma.  My BPDxW was sexually assaulted on a subway train in Paris and, at times, it seemed like she blamed me for the assault.

LuckyJim

[magician]

Wicker Man I am not seeing a therapist. I probably should. I am wasting money on a car project. Takes my mind off things. Unfortunately we have common friends that I still see. So I know pretty much what she is up to. Her house is 5 miles away. She goes to gym 2 miles away from me. He older sister lives on the same block. I am just afraid of running into her.

I have a feeling she would paint me white in an instant if she saw me...

[Wicker Man]

I am wasting money on a car project. Takes my mind off things.

Doing something nice for yourself is not a waste of money, in fact at this point it is really important.  I don't know if working on your car economically precludes a therapist, but I know beginning therapy has helped me.  It isn't easy or a quick process, but between sessions I do a lot of reading to keep moving forward.

Perhaps have a look at Is It Love or Is It Addiction: The book that changed the way we think about romance and intimacy --Schaeffer

I further read The Marriage Clinic -Gottman  This is a heavier read and actually meant for Marriage councilors.  I read it to see what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like... .  Guess what?  It turns out my relationship with my BPD ex was not very healthy... .Who knew?

Unfortunately we have common friends that I still see. So I know pretty much what she is up to. Her house is 5 miles away. She goes to gym 2 miles away from me. He older sister lives on the same block. I am just afraid of running into her.

This is tough.  Perhaps other members here can give you some advice. My ex and I actually live in different countries -so I don't have any fear of seeing her.  She has been remarkably respectful of remaining NC.  She passively posts things meant for me on Instagram, but no attempt at direct contact.

She  (ex fiancé) is apparently still wearing the engagement ring -so she is still in the denial phase of grieving.  I am dreading May 25th -it is the day I proposed to her last year. 

My point here is believe I understand your fear... .There is still attraction, fear and apprehension. --this is where a therapist could be valuable. 

Therapy can help you begin to sort out your feelings and your needs.


Wicker Man

[magician]

what I have realized so far that, by knowing that these people have a disorder does give us more empathy more than the usual. I wouldn't even think twice if I were treated bad by a normal person. Just thinking that they can't help what they are doing, makes you want to reach out. Especially if you have a codependent personality like me.

Right now, I feel subhuman, and hated. I know I shouldn't care. It does hurt though

[Wicker Man]

I wouldn't even think twice if I were treated bad by a normal person. Just thinking that they can't help what they are doing, makes you want to reach out. Especially if you have a codependent personality like me.

Yes... .Well... .I am (codependent) and it does hurt.  I understand completely what you mean.  In the past when I ended relationships I was never cruel, but past relationships were far easier for me to process  --we would have a long talk and end our time together.

This one is different.  The affair I had with an undiagnosed border line shook me to my foundation.  Even after all of the 'no contact' her Instagram post yesterday (yes... .I was weak and unblocked to look) was her teaching ballet to young children. 'Trying to be strong and still be your girl'.  It is heartbreaking.  --also she knows my love of children.  She knows how to pull my heartstrings like no other person on earth.

However... .This is the same person who after ghosting me for the longest week of my life finally wrote a response to my pleading messages 'So Boring'... . 

In another instance I wrote her 'You are putting me through Hell' -her response 'I know'. 

I bring these examples up as much as a warning to you as they are a reminder to me.  Yes -she is the most beautiful people I have met, and I mean inner beauty.  However because of her (assumed) personality disorder she would shred me limb from limb.  She is also the worst person I have ever met.

Yes -as you said they (presumably) have a disorder [I say this because I am not a mental health care professional and cannot actually diagnose her] and she cannot help her rage, her lying, and (alleged) cheating.  She lives in tragic darkness and I had hoped to love her to health. --I cannot.

I think often of the parable of the scorpion and the frog.  I ended our relationship because I feared her very nature.  If I had stayed with her she may or may not have felt badly when she destroyed me and it may or may not have taken years to do so.  -I will never know, but I could not take that chance.

I hope some of this gives you some solace. 

I feel subhuman, and hated. I know I shouldn't care. It does hurt though

You are not subhuman.  You are a caring man in pain. 

Hated?  ok... .You may be hated... .Mine was able to show hatred like no other human being I have ever met -she is a hatred ninja master.

Detaching, processing and accepting my loss of her is taking me some time... .  Well... .a lot of time.  It does seem to be getting better day by day.


Wicker Man