This relationship no longer meets my needs but I don't want to lose my home

[Depression = 72% of members]

We're in our 40s and our marriage (2nd for both) has struggled from the beginning. I presumed that big stresses were to blame for my husband's angry and irrational verbal reactions and the worst should be over now. Our nest is empty. Our newest counsellor told me when my husband walked out on a session that he has BPD behaviours. All criteria except suicidality fit him. He is not diagnosed, not in therapy, and refuses to go back with me. He wants me in individual counselling for my issues. This relationship no longer meets my needs but I don't want to loose my home which I would if I left. (I've consulted a lawyer.)  I know I need to consider the financial consequences of staying vs leaving and how I will have my needs met if I'm still in the house, married or as an in-house separation. I deserve better and now I have guilt over the emotional abuse that our children must have shared.

Pier68

[Pier68]

We're in our 40s and our marriage (2nd for both) has struggled from the beginning. I presumed that big stresses were to blame for my husband's angry and irrational verbal reactions and the worst should be over now. Our nest is empty. Our newest counsellor told me when my husband walked out on a session that he has BPD behaviours. All criteria except suicidality fit him. He is not diagnosed, not in therapy, and refuses to go back with me. He wants me in individual counselling for my issues. This relationship no longer meets my needs but I don't want to loose my home which I would if I left. (I've consulted a lawyer.)  I know I need to consider the financial consequences of staying vs leaving and how I will have my needs met if I'm still in the house, married or as an in-house separation. I deserve better and now I have guilt over the emotional abuse that our children must have shared.

Pier68

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Pier68,

I'm glad that you decided to join us, there is hope! It completely understand how frustrating it is when a pwBPD walk out on an MC session my ex and used to take some sessions over the phone and I was tired about it being about me in every session so one session I mentioned a laundry list of things about her and she just hung session over. Anyways we can't give you a diagnosis only a professional can do that what we can look at are BPD traits.

You'll find that you fit right in here members here can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. I also understand how a pwBPD project their problems on us and say that we need counselling all I can say is read as much as you can about the disorder, you'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time. How do you feel about doing the work on yourself as opposed to him or both of you?

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Pier68 and welcome. You've found the right place in terms of a community that can give you feedback and support as you try to make this difficult decision.

Seconding Mutt on the projection. This is very common and my wife even made a counseling appointment for me once without asking me, saying I needed help.

Following on Mutt's comment about working on yourself, a great first question to ask is what you're doing for self care. What can you do to meet some of your own needs in this situation?

All the best,
~ROE

[Pier68]

Thanks for your welcome messages, gentlemen.

To answer Mutt, I'm not opposed to counselling and self-help. I know I react to Husband in ways that may trigger him or reinforce his behaviours, so I need to practice other ways that don't put me into a viscious cycle with him. The family has been through a lot of loss over the years; I wonder about the state of my grief because of the eggshells we are always on.

As you know, it's one thing to go through he'll alone, it's another to be in hell and have a significant person tell you you're doing it wrong.

ROE, I'm blessed with great friends. I visit people away from the house. My work is mentally demanding and gives me confidence, another plus for me.

I know I need to learn how to keep myself financially safe. Husband works casually now, leaves jobs often, and spends recklessly, so I need to find out these strategies.

My physical health is not terrific. I have a chronic condition that means a lot of pain. Husband is of little moral support. He is triggered when I am sick. I'm going through tests now. I don't dare tell him.

What I really miss is the affection of a romantic partner. I don't know how to replace that without having a secret affair.

 I can't be myself in the home I've made.

Pier 68