Always wanting my attention

[Hollyhock]

My partner seems to want my undivided attention ALL the time and I am loosing perspective of what is normal. If we are home they want me be with them either in the same room or preferably sitting next to them on the sofa playing with their hair or caressing their back.

I have a hobby of knitting and they seem to be able to tolerate me doing it for a short amount of time and then they want it put away and attention on them, when I am knitting I am sitting closely next to them, watching to and talking to them but by 9pm they want me to put it away and get very agitated and sarcastic if I go past this time. It is as though they are jealous!

I can't sit on the other sofa we have to sit together and they have to be leaning on me/body contact. In bed we have to be wrapped around each other, if I move away they seem to  get anxious and this presents as sarcasm, cross behaviour. I have over the years almost been trained to behave as they want and my perspective/judgement is now lost! Surely this isn't normal, I am not a teenager (in 50's) and my previous relationships were never like this, I feel suffocated but if I try to move away there are repocussions so it is easier to be compliant. Just wondered what is normal!

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[stixx44]

Beds,

I understand your dilemma exactly!  If you read my posts, my ex was just like that.  If I moved away from her on the couch, she got up and went to bed without a word, steaming mad!  We were with another couple one night sitting in the backyard enjoying the evening.  The other couple were holding hands... .we were not.  She got visibly upset with me in front of them and demanded to know why I wasn’t touching her and paying attention to her.

The intense wanting-to-be-always-touching behavior is intense and suffocating, as you say.  They consider it as part of the abandonment feeling they have.  We can’t understand it.

I tried to acquiesce to her finally and put my needs aside.  But of course, other behaviors subsequently surfaced where I couldn’t continue to be with her or chase her anymore.

In short, the situation you’re describing is not unusual in some of these people.  I don’t know how to tell you to deal with it.  Maybe someone else will post a good method where they don’t feel so insecure.

[Mutt]

Hi Bexs,

I can understand how suffocating clingy behaviour is. You have a right to have your own hobbies it’s a part taking  of yourself you should be taking care of yourself often, does your SO have hobbies? stixx44 has a good point with fear of alonesss, what you’re describing is attachment styles I think it helps to understand the types of attachment styles in personality disorders.

The theory separates these working models of relationships into two main categories, secure attachment and insecure attachment, according to the degree of safety and security present within the relationships represented by the models. The category of insecure attachment is further subdivided based on how children react to others as a result of their working models: ambivalent, avoidant, or disorganized.
Secure attachment
Insecure attachment
1. Ambivalent attachment: clinging to caregiver, proximity seeking
2. Avoidant attachment: rejecting caregiver
3. Disorganized attachment: alternating between clinging, then rejecting caregiver
Characteristic of these insecure attachment styles are behaviors that are overly clingy or proximity seeking (ambivalent attachment), or behaviors that are rejecting of the caregiver (avoidant attachment). Some insecurely attached children develop a disorganized attachment style, which is characterized by alternating back and forth between clingy behavior, then rejecting behaviors, coupled with a fear of the caregiver.
Attachment theory proposes that children's early relationships with caregivers should ideally give rise to a secure attachment. Secure attachment is formed by the provision of a secure base from which children can safely explore the world.

Attachment Theory of Personality Disorders

[Tattered Heart]

My H is somewhat like this. He gets annoyed if my attention is on something other than him. It is very suffocating. I've found it leaves me pretty unproductive too. I want to do something like clean the house or work in the yard and he just wants to sit on the couch together watching TV.

I've found the one thing that seems to help is to validate his need for attention, give him a timeframe for when that attention will happen (not right away), and then follow through. So I'll say something like "I want us to have some time together this evening. It's hard for me to relax when the kitchen is a mess. Can you help me clean it up and then we can hang out on the couch?"

Your situation might look something like, "I know it's important to you that we have physical closeness. I want that too. I'm in the middle of a knitting project. I'm going to work on this for awhile but at 8:45 I'll put it down and we can cuddle." This lets your partner know that you see the need and want to meet it, but it also places a limit on it too.

How do you think your partner would respond to that? Does that sound like something you could easily do?

[engineer]

Mine does the same thing, but not through touch -- in fact she is very uncomfortable with touch.  She traps me in the kitchen for hours while she talks continuously.  She stays on her side of the island (and I am not allowed over there), while I stay at the kitchen table.  She complains bitterly if I look away, if I touch my phone, if I stand up.  And if I try to respond she will cut me off in mid-sentence as if I am not even speaking, or she will say "You are so terrible about interrupting -- you never let anyone finish a sentence".  I am required to sit attentively and make "uh huh" sounds at the appropriate time.  This is my life.

Heh, last week she got upset when I tried to respond to something she said.  She said "You don't understand conversation.  Conversation is when you sit quietly and listen to the other person talk."  I almost busted out laughing when she said that, but managed to keep it in check.

Then, every once in a while she will stop talking for a few seconds and say "Why do you NEVER respond to ANYTHING I say?  I just asked you a question and you can't be bothered to respond".  If I make the mistake of repeating back what she just said -- which was never in any way a question and there was no way to tell it was any different from the last several hours of constant talking that she did not want a response to -- it will be a very big blow up.

She is, at least, interesting to listen to... .but I am just floored that a person can talk for 16 hours straight without even seeming to take a breath.

I am also a bit trapped by this.  I worked from home for years.  I like working from home.  I had to stop because I simply could not.  She would get very upset if I had work to do and could not focus solely on her.  She also complains a LOT about the fact that I never seem to get anything done around the house.  I am, historically, extremely active in at-home stuff.  I love doing all kinds of things around the house... .but at the moment I cannot.  I like TH's suggestion of a timeframe for the attention.  I've tried to think of a lot of ways to extract myself so I can do... .anything... .but I hadn't thought of the timeframe.  She will balk.  She hates schedules of any sort.  But perhaps I can word it in such a way that she will accept it.

[Tattered Heart]

I am also a bit trapped by this.  I worked from home for years.  I like working from home.  I had to stop because I simply could not.  She would get very upset if I had work to do and could not focus solely on her.  She also complains a LOT about the fact that I never seem to get anything done around the house.  I am, historically, extremely active in at-home stuff.  I love doing all kinds of things around the house... .but at the moment I cannot.  I like TH's suggestion of a timeframe for the attention.  I've tried to think of a lot of ways to extract myself so I can do... .anything... .but I hadn't thought of the timeframe.  She will balk.  She hates schedules of any sort.  But perhaps I can word it in such a way that she will accept it.

engineer I'd like to encourage you to start a new thread on your situation and we can help you work through how to start the conversation with your pwBPD.

[Pier68]

My partner seems to want my undivided attention ALL the time and I am loosing perspective of what is normal.

Me too. Thanks for asking this question.  I'm following your thread. 

Pier68