uBPDSO won't accept she needs help and blames me. Feeling very vulnerable

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I’m up after the whole family was dramatically woken by my partner wanting to give our 18 month old paracetamol. He doesn’t need it she woke him up claiming he had a temperature which he didn’t.
Anyhow this and plenty of other very strange behaviour and abuses to me and threats of taking our son away have me in. A spin. I need help. She has nothing diagnosed and refuse to accept she needs any kind of help - it’s all my fault.
I’m feeling very vulnerable

[ConcernDad]

I’m up after the whole family was dramatically woken by my partner wanting to give our 18 month old paracetamol. He doesn’t need it she woke him up claiming he had a temperature which he didn’t.
Anyhow this and plenty of other very strange behaviour and abuses to me and threats of taking our son away have me in. A spin. I need help. She has nothing diagnosed and refuse to accept she needs any kind of help - it’s all my fault.
I’m feeling very vulnerable

[ForeverDad]

Been there, done that.  I got a call from my ex late one evening, son had a 103 degree temperature and she was taking him to urgent care.  A half hour later they took his temp and it was 99 something.  They didn't criticize anyone but I asked her if she had a thermometer.  She said, No, she knew what temperatures were.

My ex was hyper-vigilant.  She suspected everyone, eventually including me, was "probably" a child abuser.  Only she knew what son needed.  Etc.

You can guess my question... .Did she use a thermometer?  They're cheap.  There are also some electronic ones that are not invasive and reliable, of course a bit expensive.

[Mutt]

Hi ConcernDad,



Id like to join ForeverDad and welcome you to bpdfamily. I can see how frustrating that would feel. I have a similar story my S2 at the time had a small gash on his he has white blond hair so blood really sticks out, he had what looked like a blood bubble on his head. I was there to pick the kids up and she wasn’t home the baby sitter saw me and his so I called my ex and told her that he needed help and she just said well I cleaned it up before I left and he was okay then. You’re not allowed ne ConcernDad

[livednlearned]

Oh wow, that sounds like very odd behavior. I can understand why you would be so concerned.

How are things today?

Can you share with us a little more about what's going on? How many kids are there? What kind of relationship does your wife have with her family of origin?

Did you manage to stop her from giving your child medicine for the non-existent fever?

We're here to walk with you, ConcernDad. There is a lot of collective wisdom on the boards.

You are not alone.

LnL

[ConcernDad]

Hi posting here as I try to sleep at a friends Place after s most crazy evening talking to police after she assaulted me and then she called the police. Mad as a bag of frogs. Sorry I’m just needing a place to vent and organise my feelings about that’s taken place. I feel totally humiliated having been in the area for 13 years she only 2 in my house which I stupidly allowed her on the tenancy.
My son mean while witnessed her assault on me. I really can’t work out if she’s BPD or not sometimes I think narcissistic others histrionic,  sometimes she’s reasonable the rest she’s calling me a disgusting men, a ___ head bull___  F off bul___ when I ask to talk something out it’s like she’s yryong yo provoke me into hurting her. Anyhow now I go back tomorrow evening and then what?

[ConcernDad]

I should add she keeps calling the police or threatening to do do to coerce me.

[david]

My ex accused me of assault. I was put in jail for the weekend. Later, in court, I was found guilty of disorderly conduct and was put in jail for two weeks. Lost my job until I could get my record expunged. That was five years. I never raised my voice, touched her, etc.
 The day I got out of jail I purchased a video recorder and a small audio recorder. I was never near her again without them. I can't use them in court but it can be used with the police so I would never have been put in jail. Protect yourself.

[ConcernDad]

Thanks for the comments and all the previous in d from March. This is all very difficult and upsetting. I feel quite humiliated having police come to the house late at night and for my son not yet two to be witnessing all this with out me there. I’m very worried about parental alienation as she’s showing strong signs of doing This already. Is there any way back after this night clear bomb she’s blown? What’s possible? We’re in couples counselling too which perhaps she can’t cope with, it’s been clear we’re trying to use it to separate in a good way at but she keeps saying as she did to the police that I’m in denial despite me actually saying in therapy that this is about a clean and safe separation and being able to be family for our son without being together, sadly I’m realising that my expectations are too high yet she agrees that she wants that too, yet at home she will be constantly aggressive, make threats to call the police or actually do so to coerce me into doing her bidding. And she won’t leave or pay rent. I feel like I’m in a nightmare

[ForeverDad]

My ex did that too, she put on a Public Face vastly different from her private behaviors.  It's like "I can do whatever I want and you are the problem".  At the end she actively disparaged me, claiming I had cancer in my sexual organs, that she wore the pants, etc.  She also told our son, translated, "I love you but papi doesn't love you."  When the police got involved — I was asked to "step away" but son wouldn't stop clinging to me so that's as far as it went — I fortunately had been recording earlier, but it's a long story.  As for her winning over my preschooler, didn't happen.  Yes, he was confused and his development was delayed by a couple years but he was always daddy's boy, he would come running to me at exchanges but for the first few years had to be virtually dragged to return exchanges.

This isn't to downplay the real risk of alienation but do your reasonable best as father and likely the end result will be better than you fear.

I agree with david, recording any potential ragefests or slick traps to make you seem the aggressor will help you avoid her convincing professionals you're Mr Evil Personified.  Of course, don't create incidents and overreactions by waving devices in her face.  I kept my recorders in my pocket out of sight, that was over a dozen years ago when few recording options were available.  I've seen pen-cams that you an put in your shirt pocket and they even write too.

[livednlearned]

So she assaulted you, then called, the police came, and then what? Were you charged with anything?

It doesn't sound like she's capable of a smooth separation.

It could be therapy that is winding her up, like you suggest. If therapy is about separating from each other, maybe it's time to dial that down.

With someone who is violent and dangerous (she is if she's assaulting you), smooth separation is probably not possible. You might need to focus on safe separation, for you and your son.

[ConcernDad]

Hi lived n learned thanks for replying. Yes she assaulted me though I wouldn’t have called police about it, calling police feels like her taking power over me and I found find that difficult to be honest. Anyhow I called too so there was my story already there, And I do feel very regretful for my part in that that allowed it to take place infront of my son. You’re right protecting him is key, I hope I can be equipped to do that.
I wrote this earlier on the wrong thread:
Feel terrible about what happened last night in front of my son. Cross at myself for being so stupid and not coming on here to learn rather than seeking for a silent mode aggressive partner to engage reasonably and cooperate. I’m finding this a difficult lesson to learn, with shameful outcomes for my own urge for a reasonable engagement.
It’s been days of this silence, aggressive silence even ignoring my presence when I’m holding our son or simple things like asking to use the loo e.g I’m letting you know i really need the loo please can you be quicker?
She’s keeping him our son in soaking wet clothes for half an hour I gently ask if I should get a towel met with anger and aggression and defensiveness, I’ll get the towel he’s not been out for ages shortly after it’s f u this snd that... .I remain calm but I do implore: please don’t speak like this to me or you can’t talk like this to people... .
this is days of behaviour like this ignoring me when I’m there and our son is in the room it’s extraordinary as if pretending I don’t exist- I find this the hardest I worry about my sons experience of this alternate distorted reality she creates.
So it came to last night and though I was trying to meditate and I’d asked her to keep the music down just a little and close the door so we could concentrate whilst she bathed our son. Of course I’m totally ignored, I ask her to cooperate ... .anyway right now I’m thinking why didn’t I just get on and meditate and not bother about the surroundings? I must have known that she’s call the police to push me away so I feel angry at my self for not being more focused on avoiding conflict. I’m feeling confused and ashamed waking up from all this at my friends place. It’s like with all her threats and coercion demands and aggression she sets herself up as a natural consequence eg when I point out how aggressive she is to me and swearing at me, your getting what you deserve or well shut the f up then or as long as you are talking that’s what you’ll get. and this triggers me I’m like no your decisions are not  a natural consequence they’re your decisions snd dysfunctionsl behaviour. However whilst this keeps me sane as she Gaslighting me it doesn’t solve the bigger issue of getting her to realise her issues are her s and not me and getting her to treatment.