My BPDw's Most Destructive Addiction Yet -- Instagram/Blogging/Shopping -- HELP

[LivingWBPDWife]

As you all know, BPDs have highly addictive personalities, most if not all have a good size chunk of OCD in their personality profile -- mine likes to start projects, businesses, and then in 3-6 months she fails horribly after the financial cost to me, her, time lost to our home, child etc. And even if I don't give her a dime for it, it still costs me time, since she can't focus on anything else, but her "new" thing, she falls in LOVE with it, then she HATES it -- months later or years, I will bring it up, and she acts like it never happened -- she has been thru 7 MLMs, 2-3 home internet businesses, and all the time she SHOULD be taking care of our daughter (3) since she is a SAHM, and that was the deal, you stay home, I work. But, I work at home, so she has HUGE support from me --

My BPDw is a 15 year old stuck in a 36 year old body as far as I can tell.

That all said -- all of her addictions, businesses, all come to an end before the completely destroy everything, but her new "biz" is a "fashion blogger", she knows nothing about it, other than she likes to shop, her mother is encouraging her, and giving her money, as well as my wife has ran credit cards I paid down for her, back up to $20K at 30+% interest. I just did her taxes, she put $20K on them, lost $8K, and made $2K, for a total loss of $26,000! Plus, I estimate she spent over 3500 man hours on it, she spends 7 days a week from crack of dawn to midnight on social media and instagram, call it 10 hours a day, that's 3600 man hours easy.

This is year 2, and with the endless money from her mom, and more and more credit card debt, and huge losses, she says "I am doing great, I am making so much money" -- I am like What the heck are you talking about? I just DID your taxes, you lost $26,000? Does math work different on your planet?

So, the question I have is very specific, I have talked to many people that have BPDs with social media/instagram/shopping addiction, its primarily something women do, they shop, put on outfits, take pics, filter, post, and sit and wait for likes, they get them, makes them happy, they don't, they hate the world - while this is all happening, my wife is in a vicious circle of shopping online for hours a day, putting on makeup, extensions, fake eye lashes, and fake clothes (not hers) taking pics for hours, filtering them, posting them, then taking the clothes back to stores, etc. she is BUSY 24/7, I can't talk to her, get her to pay attention to daughter for more than mins, can't get her to maintain ANY kind of schedule for meals, etc. There is ALWAYS an instagram emergency -

Thus, is anyone else in this boat? This situation is NOT sustainable, I can't take care of our daughter all day AND work, and can't afford nanny, etc. my wife has made it impossible to work and get things done--- I thought she would have given up like ALL her other addictions and "loves", but I don't see a motivation to stop, with her adding credit cards with no income and paying one with the other and her mom keeping up her addition by giving her money, my wife NEVER is accountable, so why stop? Plus the 24/7 adoration from men and women with their shallow one liners on her instagram feed is pathetic, my BPDw has her phone ALL THE TIME, and she checks it every 30 seconds to 2 min or never puts it down for hours on end and just scrolls thru 1000's of post... .

She is in therapy now, but its been only 3 months, and I don't see much improvement at all -- the therapist is a DBT specialist, but my wife just uses the time to lie and complain in sessions -- so, not much luck there. And I can't afford it, so if something doesn't change, I will have to stop it.

But, my question to everyone that has a BPD addicted to social media, more specifically something like instagram where fake lives and photos are what they deal in, have you got them to STOP? Did they STOP? What prompted it?

I don't see this ending anytime soon, until she puts maybe $50K on credit cards, and her mom cuts her off... .but, that will take another 1-2 years, and I can't take it nor can my daughter who is dying for connection to her mom. Which sadly my BPDw is right here, but NEVER actually PRESENT in our lives... .

Just pissed off and sick of this child like behavior -- the last straw was she tells me how much money she is making, but then she can't afford to go get bread and milk for the house, and NEVER contributes -- she ONLY buys things for HERSELF -- its just pathetic.

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[JoeBPD81]

Wow! that sounds awful! And scary!

I can't help you here, my BPDgf flees from anything addictive, she closed her FB account after realizing it was taking her time and she would obsess. She knows she would become an alcoholic the moment she doesn't force herself not to turn to that, so she doesn't drink at all.

But I know there are many people in your situation, I hope they come forward and share with you.

Best of luck, and hang in there!

[Tattered Heart]

Sorry for your situation. It sounds frustrating. You said that you paid down one of the credit cards. What if you stopped paying for them? Yeah, it could cause major financial issues, but it will be her issues. Eventually her mom will run out of money and she will have to figure out how to make the payments herself.

Could you go with her to one of her appts so you could get the assistance of the counselor in talking about the problem with her? Do you think the counselor could help you set up an accountability plan?

[LivingWBPDWife]

I already stopped paying for them once I found out she was using them and putting more money on them. She is just running them to the max. She just maxed out 2 cards for $10K each, and got another for $19K, to move amounts to. She pays the min and her mom/grandma enable her with money, so soon, the minimum will be $1000/month and her current income is negative

But, yes, sooner or later, everyone is going to stop giving her money, but while that happens its like living in hell with this level of denial and dellusional thinking --

As far as the therapist goes, if you anything about therapists its hard to tell them anything, they have "their" plan, and I have brought this up, and my wife goes NUTS and dysregulates in front of the therapist, and all she is trying to do at this point is get my BPDw with trust her, so she can work with her --

BPDs without boundaries and accountability are impossible to control. For example, when she worked, she did NOT want to go to work, she would get their late, fine, they would write her up, 2 more times you're fired, forced her to go to work on time -- but in a relationship, there are only so many pressure points. Without violence as an option (which is a very good method of compliance, cop tells you to do something, you don't, he hurts you, shoots you, kills you, MOST sane people will comply). But, I can't do that, so all I can do is NOT give money, not enable the behavior, but she has 2 family members meddling in our marriage, enabling this behavior, and of course, I have spoke to them, but they don't listen -- we have got into massive arguments and now after they have threatened me in my own home on two occassions with gun violence, this and that, I have said they are not welcome -- which my BPDw blames me -- for her fathers' rage -- he is not a BPD, but clearly has huge anger problems, and feuds with other family members and brothers -- seems they all have VERY short fuses. So, I am the bad guy on all fronts here.

But, at the end of the day, my wife is spending 3500-4000 hours a year, 10-12 hours a day on social media, and you can't run a life like that, let alone be a mother to a baby, infant, toddler, which she has done a horrible job of IMO since I am the one that has been both mom and dad for the last 3 years and bread winner.

I need my BPDw to hit rock bottom, but with it being so easy to keep getting money from her parents and easy to keep getting these huge credit cards, there's no short end in site -- but, its funny, you wonder why the economy crashed -- they are giving my unemployed wife (3+ years unemployed) these credit cards with massive credit lines. She has $0 in her bank account, when she worked made $30-60K (nurse), she has at least $20K that I know of, and maybe $30K I don't know of on credit cards. So, no income, no money, no job, NO assets in her name at all, and these companies are just throwing credit cards at her with these $10-20K limits, crazy.

I will end in 1-2 years, but I don't know if I can be both mom and dad and bread winner that long and have a pissed off room mate basically living here pretending to be a wife and mother.

That's why I am really interested in anyone with a BPD that has had social media addiction and how did it end, did it end?

[Radcliff]

Could you go with her to one of her appts so you could get the assistance of the counselor in talking about the problem with her? Do you think the counselor could help you set up an accountability plan?

LivingWBPDWife,

It sounds like a really tough situation you are in.  I'm particularly sorry to hear that your wife cannot be there for your daughter.  Unfortunately, you cannot control your wife's actions, only your own.  What are some of the ways you enjoy being there for your daughter?

I think Tattered Heart has an excellent suggestion.  I was wondering the same thing.  Can you talk to your wife's counselor?  I found that talking to my wife's DBT counselor reassured me that my wife was getting the best help possible while also managing my expectations about how long it might take for her to improve.  DBT therapy is the best possible thing a pwBPD can be doing.  Is your wife actually engaged in DBT skills work, or just going to a therapist who happens to also do DBT?  Does your wife have access to a DBT skills group?  (Often, DBT is done with one weekly 1:1 session, as well as a weekly skills group meeting).

WW